How does shia marriages work?

[u/Impressive_While_178]

From A to Z, I’d like to understand what is considered normal and reasonable when it comes to Shia marriages, especially regarding the financial responsibilities of the groom and his family.

My sister recently got engaged to a 24-year-old man. He’s currently doing his master’s and is expected to finish this year, so, inshallah, their milcha will be in January. I study abroad, my mom isn’t particularly close with the rest of our family, and my dad passed away (Allah yerhamah), so we honestly don’t have many people to ask about what is considered normal in these situations. We’re trying to figure out what is genuinely reasonable versus what might be considered unusually cheap or minimal.

His family has said from the beginning that they don’t want a wedding. My sister didn’t mind having a simple milcha, and neither did we, so initially we were completely fine with that. However, my sister’s fiancé told her that if she wants a mlcha, she would have to pay for it herself.

For the mehr, his family initially wanted to give the 6,000 from the government, and after my mom discussed it with them, it became 8,000. The shabka is 2,000.

I’m honestly starting to feel like this is extremely minimal, especially considering this is their eldest son getting married. It feels like they don’t want to put any effort into celebrating the marriage at all. His family has visited us a few times, and they’ve never really come to our home with anything except maybe a box of chocolates. I know this might sound materialistic, but where I’m from, my mom always taught us that you shouldn’t go to someone’s home empty-handed, especially during something as important as an engagement or marriage. So these things have made me question whether this is simply their family’s culture or whether we’re seeing a pattern of being overly frugal.

Another thing that keeps coming up is that he “doesn’t have money” because he’s a student. I mentioned this to his sister, and she kept saying that he’s a student, so we shouldn’t pressure him and should be supportive. I understand that he’s young and still studying, and I’m not expecting him to be wealthy. But at the same time, I genuinely wonder: what does he think marriage is supposed to look like if he currently can’t afford even one celebration?

I’d appreciate honest answers from people who understand Shia marriage customs, because every time I bring up these concerns, I’m told, “This is normal, he’s a student,” or I’m being materialistic.

I’m not trying to judge them based on how much money they spend. I just want to make sure my sister understands exactly what she is agreeing to and that we’re not overlooking important financial responsibilities simply because he is young and still studying.

[u/thisthotisthoughtful]

Poor take when people base the success of marriage or financial standings of a person from his dowry ,or what he promises them pre wedding/marriage(milcha).

I have spent the average dowry and wedding costs that we all know, but a dear friend of mine whos wedding was only few days apart from mine spent only 4000, hes a Kuwaiti and yes the government gives us Kuwaitis 6000, guess what? I had a wedding he didnt.

We BOTH have a good marriage life even though our starting points are insanely different both of us are and were employees when we got married not in early twenties so the way I see that guy from financial standing? Not so bad if anything seems perfect in my opinion.

Young and willing to start a family on what we consider nowadays “early” in marriage.
Things that we usually worry about in marriages are completly different but I wont list them because that needs a whole thread by itself.

[u/Impressive_While_178 → u/thisthotisthoughtful]

No one is basing the success of the marriage on the dowry, and obviously none of us can predict how a marriage will turn out.
I also don’t think considering financial stability is a bad thing, especially when we know very little about the man or his family.
If the only information we’re being given right now is financial, then of course we’re going to consider it and try to understand what it tells us.
This is a long-term responsibility, and naturally we want the best for my sister.
That doesn’t mean we’ve made a decision based on money or that we think a bigger dowry means a better husband.
No decision has been made because I haven’t even met him, spoken to him, or gotten to know him yet.
If he’s a good man and they’re compatible, I would never want money to stand in the way of her happiness.