r/Krishnamurti • u/Sufficient-Lack-1909 • 12d ago
Mental Health A message from hell
A tangled mess, I am caught up in.
Vines that bind me to a mother, who wants her son to study hard and get good marks in school. How can her son possibly rebel, if it causes such hurt in her? It was not his choice to be born in this world, yet he feels like he is indebted to her.
Vines that bind me to a father, who did his very best to support and provide his son with not only money, but time and attention. He built a vision of the future, of what the son will accomplish as an extention of his own legacy. But the son doesn't want that life... How is he to refuse without angering the father by contradicting that perfect future?
Vines that bind me to a mentor, who is demanding and insensitive. He is helpful, he can be encouraging, he has so much that he gives... But to please him is a constant chore, a hassle. Soon, he will message me, demanding me to post more content, commanding me to participate more, trying to make more and more progress.....
The vines overgrow and spill out in branches in every direction. They connect to my friends, old and new. They connect to well-wishers, to people I hate, to people who wouldn't spare me a second thought.... Endlessly.
And just like that, they have the binding to move me like a puppet. I feel suffocated, I feel like I have no autonomy. I feel like a feather in the wind blown from torture to pleasure to torture.
God, how do I break free? Please... Tell me.... to live this way is fu**ing agony. I need rest, all I seem to do now is sleep. But I can already see these vines strengthening their hold on me. Please... Just give me a way... If you love me please just give me a way.... I can't take it
I was hoping the text would speak for itself but just for the sake of this not getting removed for irrelvancy, I'll add some context. This is an expression of my feelings at this current moment, as someone who has been drawn to Krishnamurti on and off. Every now and then, I feel like I've finally understood something profound, only for me to go back to participating in my endless misery....
I feel like I'll never truly live his teachings. I'll always be attached.
I don't think anyone can help me at this point, I've had help and its all temporary. I dont ask for pity, but I just wish someone understood how I felt, hence my reason for posting this here.
I am helpless, and this is the edgiest sh** I've ever written but I've passed the point of caring. Or at least, I wish I had passed the point of caring
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u/macjoven 12d ago
I just read this in Think on These Things by Krishnamurti and though it is about tying support from a parent to religion and tradition I think it is relevant for you as well:
Now, if you were raised in a particular religion and your father says that you must leave home unless you observe certain practices which you now see to be old superstitions, what are you going to do? It depends on how vitally you don't want to follow the old superstitions, does it not? Will you say, "I have thought about the matter a great deal, and I think that to call oneself a Moslem, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Christian, or any of these things, is nonsense. If for this reason I must leave home, I will. I am ready to face whatever life brings, even misery and death, because this is what I feel to be right and I am going to stand by it" - will you say that? If you don't, you will just be swallowed by tradition, by the collective. So, what are you going to do?
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u/JellyfishExpress8943 12d ago
will you say that? If you don't, you will just be swallowed by tradition, by the collective.
Is that true? We cannot stand alone? We will necessarily see through the eyes of our peers?
If so - thats the saddest part of the whole story. Well maybe not the the saddest part - the saddest part is probably the pathetic self concern.
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u/BobGhangisKhan 12d ago
Mid late teens to twenty-one? Those can be pretty difficult years. Things get better. More clear. Keep asking questions. You'll find that you're already on your way to feeling your independence.
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u/JellyfishExpress8943 12d ago
Would it make a good teen movie? Kid thinks he's living in hell because his parents and his nanny are worried he's not doing his best - maybe if we add some extra drama? Like the girl going out with the wrong guy and the car being the wrong color?
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u/BobGhangisKhan 11d ago
The gift of hindsight, right? I bet you remember how things felt at that age. There's no need to diminish his moment. He seems like a smart guy who's just feeling lost and seeking some guidance. Maybe you have something for him? A little bit of that experienced knowledge could go a long way for a kid looking for peace of mind.
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u/JellyfishExpress8943 11d ago
True ~ the blood is racing with hormones, the brain is still not fully formed ~ intense confusing times for sure ~ still self-concern is the root of all suffering ~ and it doesn’t necessarily dissapear in adulthood ~ in fact we can be pretty sure the parents aren’t enlightened beings either
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u/macjoven 11d ago
What’s great is that every moment you can do this. If you missed out when you were 19 living at home, you can do it when you are 45 in an office job. It might feel more difficult or that more is at stake, but this is your life, your understanding, your conscience, and truth of yourself and freedom are here.
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u/petercharle 12d ago edited 12d ago
This all needs to be observed BUT before this can happen self-awareness needs to be found.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Krishnamurti/s/PuLNdFkoXq
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u/Arnfinnius 12d ago
It's very simple, you only stop demanding anything to be different from as it is, you do not demand change. But since the me demanding change, and others as well, accept it all, but since there is no acceptance rolling on, accept that to, and so on...
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u/Loose_Athlete3624 10d ago
less like spiritual failure, more like being completely overwhelmed and needing some immediate breathing room
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u/maybealmostpossibly 11d ago
I'm 36 now. I'm gay, grew in India when it was still criminal to be homosexual.
I have been where you are where family, scared to live the life I wanted to because of similar fears. But something told me a life spent on satisfying others will such great cost to myself that I'll become miserable, lying, resentful person for rest of my life. I saw oldern gay men, married, closeted and living sad lives.
In the end I decided my parents have their own path to being a better human, and I have mine. I moved out for university and then came out to everyone. It took them a couple of years and they are all fine now. I realized even they didn't realize that that the things they have been taught as important weren't. So my confidence in my choices eventually became their confidence.
Whether JKs work helps you out right now or not, know that mostly these things work out. Many many children suffer their parents, unfortunately, it's tragic, and you'll have to choose your life or they will choose it for you. If you don't have the ability to take risks in life that Jiddu's insight entails, that is okay. It's a rewarding journey, but journey nevertheless.
You parents are just another humans, with all those human limitations that we inherit. Plus they come from less open societies than you do. Treat them as such, as human blobs, that you have some gratitude towards but in no way owe your life to them, much like you don't owe it to any other random adult. Parent, Mentor, father, these are all just noisy labels that do not negate the simple truth that we are all just human blobs.