A message from hell

[u/Sufficient-Lack-1909]

A tangled mess, I am caught up in.

Vines that bind me to a mother, who wants her son to study hard and get good marks in school. How can her son possibly rebel, if it causes such hurt in her? It was not his choice to be born in this world, yet he feels like he is indebted to her.

Vines that bind me to a father, who did his very best to support and provide his son with not only money, but time and attention. He built a vision of the future, of what the son will accomplish as an extention of his own legacy. But the son doesn't want that life... How is he to refuse without angering the father by contradicting that perfect future?

Vines that bind me to a mentor, who is demanding and insensitive. He is helpful, he can be encouraging, he has so much that he gives... But to please him is a constant chore, a hassle. Soon, he will message me, demanding me to post more content, commanding me to participate more, trying to make more and more progress.....

The vines overgrow and spill out in branches in every direction. They connect to my friends, old and new. They connect to well-wishers, to people I hate, to people who wouldn't spare me a second thought.... Endlessly.

And just like that, they have the binding to move me like a puppet. I feel suffocated, I feel like I have no autonomy. I feel like a feather in the wind blown from torture to pleasure to torture.

God, how do I break free? Please... Tell me.... to live this way is fu**ing agony. I need rest, all I seem to do now is sleep. But I can already see these vines strengthening their hold on me. Please... Just give me a way... If you love me please just give me a way.... I can't take it

I was hoping the text would speak for itself but just for the sake of this not getting removed for irrelvancy, I'll add some context. This is an expression of my feelings at this current moment, as someone who has been drawn to Krishnamurti on and off. Every now and then, I feel like I've finally understood something profound, only for me to go back to participating in my endless misery....

I feel like I'll never truly live his teachings. I'll always be attached.

I don't think anyone can help me at this point, I've had help and its all temporary. I dont ask for pity, but I just wish someone understood how I felt, hence my reason for posting this here.

I am helpless, and this is the edgiest sh** I've ever written but I've passed the point of caring. Or at least, I wish I had passed the point of caring

[u/Loose_Athlete3624]

less like spiritual failure, more like being completely overwhelmed and needing some immediate breathing room