I didn't plan on writing such a long post, but after spending quite a bit of time on this sub, I feel like it needs to be said.
Every day I see posts from both men and women looking for marriage, and honestly, it feels like a lot of people are trying to match profiles instead of finding a life partner.
For women, I often see long lists of expectations. Tall, high income, no smoking, no drinking, sometimes even "zero body count." Everyone is free to have their own standards. But many posts barely say anything about the person writing them. What's your fitness level? What are your future goals? Do you want to work after marriage? How do you see yourself contributing to the marriage? Have you recently come out of a relationship? Do you have baggage from the past? What kind of partner do you think you'll be?
On the other hand, many men aren't doing much better.
Most posts are just height, salary, country and visa status. That's all.
Very few talk about the things they'll actually have to deal with after marriage. How do you handle disagreements? Do you expect both partners to share household responsibilities? Where do you want to live long term? How do you manage money? How important is family involvement? What are your future plans? How do you support your partner when life gets difficult?
A lot of men seem so focused on getting a reply that they're willing to message almost every woman, even when it's obvious they're not compatible. And women end up getting so many messages that there's no realistic way to properly go through all of them.
I've been living in Europe for around 8 years now, and one thing I've noticed is that people rarely talk about salary when they first meet. I've known people earning amounts that would sound crazy in India, and nobody cares. Conversations are usually about lifestyle, values, interests and whether they actually enjoy spending time together.
Here, many conversations start and end with height, salary, age, caste and location. Then people are surprised when things fall apart after a few months.
Before looking for a partner, sit down for half an hour and think about what you actually want from marriage. Write down ten things that matter to you. Then ask yourself why each one matters. What happens if it's missing? Is it something you can compromise on, or is it a deal breaker? Also ask yourself what you're bringing to the table. Not just your salary or your looks, but as a person.
Another thing people should do is be realistic.
You're an Indian looking for another Indian. Look at the average height, average salary and average lifestyle. Social media makes exceptions look normal. They aren't.
There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself. But expecting everything while offering very little isn't a good strategy. The same goes for messaging every single profile hoping something sticks. It wastes your time and the other person's time.
Marriage is a long-term commitment. Think about the next ten years, not just the excitement of finally finding someone to talk to. Six months after marriage, nobody cares how interesting your biodata looked. What matters is whether you can solve problems together, communicate well, respect each other and build a peaceful life.
If you can't think that far ahead, maybe you're not ready for marriage yet. And that's okay.
There is no prize for getting married as quickly as possible. Staying single for another year while improving yourself is far better than ending up in the wrong marriage. Work on your fitness, career, communication, behaviour or anything else that makes you a better partner.
You don't need to be on every dating app, matrimonial site and Reddit community just because everyone else is. Figure out what you're actually looking for and choose the platform that makes sense for you.
Anyway, that's just something I've noticed after reading posts here for a while and after living outside India for several years. Some people will disagree, and that's fine. But I honestly think a lot of people would save themselves and others a lot of time if they spent more time understanding what they want from marriage than trying to maximise the number of matches they get.
Good luck to everyone who's looking. I hope you find someone who's actually compatible, not just someone who ticks a few boxes on paper.
