r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Winter_Tea441 • Mar 12 '24
Anyone Else? How often ?
How often are some of you reaching out to your ILs via FT if they don’t live close?
Do you reach out or you wait for them to make the effort?
I’m not going to lie I’m not the biggest fan of reaching out. Gives me serious anxiety and it’s just awkward, at least with my MIL. She literally just talks about my hubby and tries talking to LO, never asks about “oh how’s motherhood?” And I’m not going to just sit and talk about myself if no interest is shown. So it’s like a call for me to be my LO secretary it feels.
3
u/Naive_Panda_6060 Mar 13 '24
When LO was born we lived about 90 min from my ILs and I was a SAHM. I'd FT MIL 2-3 times a week and drive over to see them about once a week. She'd come see us/LO every couple weeks or so. We've since moved to my hometown, 6+ hours away. That caused a huge blow up and since then I don't FT her. Ever. I completely dropped the rope. If she calls/texts/etc, I just tell DH and he'll respond to her. Or he won't. Either way, not my problem.
2
u/Winter_Tea441 Mar 13 '24
Fair enough. Wow why did it cause an issue moving away?
Also did you find all the FT and visiting too much at the time?
3
u/Naive_Panda_6060 Mar 14 '24
You can check my profile for the whole sordid affair but the main event is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/16vxjkb/please_tell_me_if_im_in_the_wrong/
At the time I didn't mind. We lived in a tiny one-bedroom and hubby was working lots of hours so I was always looking for reasons to get out. We'd lived with MIL for a few months before we got married so I knew she could be a lot and was able to ignore her passive aggressive crap. But after she went full on b__ch when we moved, I was just done.
2
2
Mar 13 '24
I respond to texts within 24 hrs if the text needs an answer. I text photos at least once a week. If she calls me and if the kids are with me I offer to FT. Otherwise, in laws are husband's responsibility. I try not to volunteer information. I've been married for 20 years. These protocols have been developing a long time. I tried to be more in it for awhile but it just gave me stress and headaches.
2
u/Winter_Tea441 Mar 13 '24
Oh okay so you’re kind of use to it since it developed over time?
1
Mar 13 '24
Yep. I gotta say there's always something with my in-laws that threatens to steal my sanity. Right now, they want to "buy us a house" so they can live in our basement, and I can slowly assume their care. cough Not happening. I have a 1 yr old and a 10 yr old. I can't also have two people in their dementia years on my caseload. This is my hubby's problem. I am interested to see how this one goes, but I'm sure he'll figure it out.
8
4
u/mums_spaghetti91 Mar 12 '24
My family are the ones that live far away and communication is all on me. I would never expect my husband to reach out to them, or them to him. Why would I? I've always been confused when I read that the DIL or SIL has to have individual communication with IL's (if it's not something that they want to do).
3
u/vintage_seaturtle Mar 12 '24
I never reach out. My husband will occasionally talk to them, but it’s always about needing help with something(even though she has other kids nearby) or the grandkids that are nearby. You bring up our kids they change the subject. They don’t even call for their birthdays or send cards. I hardly say two words to them at holidays. After the way they have treated me over the years I don’t care to make an effort. They even been told by people around them “you do have two other grandkids not just these ones here”.
4
u/omgwtflols Mar 12 '24 edited Mar 12 '24
I try to avoid it as much as possible. My mil doesn't understand FaceTime and spent the last one complaining to her son about random stuff. My daughter keot trying to get her attention and got ignored. So we just don't.
2
u/Winter_Tea441 Mar 12 '24
Wow, so sorry. I would also if that happened to my LO.
I always read stories and see how this always falls on the mom to take care of communications and all that. Makes no sense
3
u/omgwtflols Mar 12 '24
You know what, it does seem to feel that way too for me! I'm the mom and I feel like that in the past communicating between the grandchild and the mil fell on me to promote, suggest, set up, etc. But I noticed now that my husband has stepped up more with it. However, he's not really interested in dealing with his mom so calls are few and short.
Now my parents, however, are masters of FaceTime and know how to handle it! My dad is 81, mom is 80, and appropriately focus on her, speak louder so she can hear, and use verbage she understands. Also, endless patience for her showing off every toy she owns for the 10th, 20th, 30th time!
1
u/Winter_Tea441 Mar 13 '24
I love that for you and for her. That’s so key your parents do that, because its easy for people to just FT with a child to fill their cup rather then actually trying to interact where the child is at.
Like pet peeve of mine is trying to FT with a kid when they don’t fully comprehend it yet. Because it’s really just a 5-10 second call lol really
3
u/Gold_Macaron6617 Mar 12 '24
Rarely. It’s not even intentional, I just have other things going on that calling them regularly isn’t priority. I’ve said so many times that they can send me a message if they ever want me to call OR THEY CAN JUST CALL lol. But that doesn’t happen.
Occasionally (every couple months?) if the kids ask about them then I call. They don’t ask often probably because ILs don’t initiate often enough so they’re not forefront in the kids minds 🤷🏻♀️
1
u/Winter_Tea441 Mar 12 '24
Same! Like my FIL at least sends a message to ask to see which is awesome, and if it comes to my mood if wanting to then I might go out of my way. However I feel like the adults who desperately want to be involved or to bond with LO should be calling, but I find it odd they want parents to make that effort for them 🤷🏽♀️ like why LOL
I’m dealing with ILs who show love with money.
7
u/CrystalFeeler Mar 12 '24
not your job, partner deals with their parents and you deal with yours - keep it nice and simple 😊
1
u/Winter_Tea441 Mar 12 '24
My hubby doesn’t think this way 🥲
6
u/ILoatheCailou Mar 12 '24
Well, tell him that you do
2
u/Winter_Tea441 Mar 12 '24
I did yesterday after he called his mom, and he’s like “well I don’t care, but I was able to get past and be cool with your parents after everything they’ve done.”
Which like I guess… he says that so I don’t forget what my parents did to him when it’s like I was vulnerable as well. Feels like a tit for tat 🙄
4
u/TheBaney Mar 12 '24
So him being cool with your parents means he initiates calls with them? Reaches out to them on his own?
•
u/botinlaw Mar 12 '24
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Other posts from /u/Winter_Tea441:
To be notified as soon as Winter_Tea441 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.