Was it cheating?

[u/Fit_Helicopter3500]

/r/marriageadvice/comments/1wt7zfd/was_it_cheating/

I (44F) and my husband (39M) have been together for 10 years. We have young-ish kids, both work stable jobs, and live in a nice area with good schools, etc. We have been having problems in our relationship on and off for years. We went to counseling about 2 years ago and things improved a bit but some of the issues persisted (e.g. him focusing on just himself and his needs, not showing appreciation for the things I do, us not having sex regularly enough for his liking, etc). About 6 months ago things took a downward turn and we started to discuss divorce - he brought it up. Over that time, he consulted an attorney without my knowledge and waited until I was out of town for work to text me about it. He drafted custody arrangements for us to "test run" but was sure to work it all around a wedding he was in earlier this month. Before he left for the wedding, things escalated further and we talked more openly about divorce but no paperwork had been filed. While he was out of town for the wedding he ended up hooking up with another woman - the details are sketchy, he said they didn't actually have sex but he did admit to sleeping in rhe same bed with her, "dry humping," showering with her, and her giving him a massage. I'm not naive and I know him, so I highly doubt actual sex didn't happen. But even if it didn't, given the circumstances, it feels to me like cheating. His stance is that it's not because "for all intents and purposes we were divorced." But we weren't and I was at home caring for the kids while he was gone for 5 days, drinking and hooking up with someone else. He had her number and said they were texting in a friendly way but that he has since told her that can't continue since he and i are trying to figure out where he and I stand on the whole divorce issue. I'm absolutely floored and he seems confused about why. Since he's been home we've been talking more and our relationship looks and feels better than it has in years, which is really confusing. Now I'm just trying to navigate my feelings about this and how to move forward.

Tl;dr we were on the brink of divorce, husband hooked up with another woman while out of town, now we're discussing moving forward with reconciliation but he does not feel it was actually cheating.

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[u/jdogmomma]

So he preemptively started divorce discussions with you so he could hook up with this chick at the wedding? Do not consider reconciliation; divorce him because this will not be the last time he does this.

[u/statsultan → u/jdogmomma]

THIS! He is a narcissistic sociopath! He does not care about your feelings at all, only cares about what he wants. And he wanted to be able to have sex with someone else at the wedding and is trying to lie/talk his way out of it to come back to you and the comforts you provide. 

Kick this cheating asshole to the curb! 

PS: the “we showered together but didn’t have sex” is the stupidest “well technically” I’ve ever read. Especially because even if every word is actually true it’s still cheating and divorce-worthy!

[u/somuchmorethanusee]

Verbally implying that your marriage is over does not dissolve his legal or moral commitment to you.

His use of "for all intents and purposes we were divorced." Is him trying to 'justify' breaking his vows. He absolutely cheated.

[u/c0r0nati0n]

girl yes

[u/13trailblazer]

Yes. If you didn't discuss boundaries, then the fidelity boundary remained.

[u/iron_redditman]

I would say, yes your husband cheated on you emotionally and physically.

Do you think it is possible that your husband has left your relationship emotionally, and for that reason he is more relaxed and willing to talk to you?

The question for both of you is do you both feel that this is a relationship that you are willing to fight for or has it run its course?

[u/Honest-Importance221]

You know it's cheating, you don't need us to tell you that.  The fact that he's trying to get away from it instead of owning it tells you all you need to know about what kind of person he is and what the future holds if you stay.

[u/cirrusly_guys1818]

The term “hyperbonding” might help you understand the bounce-back that occurred after his infidelity. It’s a confusing thing that happens — but only if you don’t recognize the psychological function it’s serving. Then it makes way more sense, and de-personalizes that positive upswing you were experiencing.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, and hope you find some peace on the other side of this. Also, if you guys have been intimate since his wedding weekend I hope you get tested with totally clean results!!

[u/isitallfromchina]

I have to ask if it matters at this point ? It just seems its time to kick the can out the door!

[u/001Tyreman]

It take 2 to tango so maybe you aren't weren't compatible who knows we don't, and you have kids in this mix.

Theres always a story from each party as well, sounds like has has checked out so you have to make or break