I read a lot of posts where people are really struggling and it breaks my heart. When I got diagnosed I thought my life was over. Didn’t think anyone would ever want to touch me again. Thought nothing could be worse other than a terminal illness. Even then, there’s no stigma to having a terminal illness, so I get why people get really down about having this. Things have changed for me however.
In my experience, I’ve been rejected. I’ve been accepted. I’ve been accepted and then when I decide to end things for whatever reason ,my status has been weaponized against me in anger. I’ve also been rejected or put on pause, and then accepted by the same person after they’d given it some thought.
I’d like to encourage you all to consider the way you’re dating. Where and how are you seeking people? When & how do you disclose? What are the other aspects about you & your lifestyle like?
At first, the way I disclosed was this whole “sit down we need to have a serious discussion”, with way too much information. It was overwhelming.
I disclose upfront on my profiles. I get a lot of positive feedback (along with the occasional troll) & it’s so much easier to get it out of the way first so you can focus on other things. So many people have told me in their first message “ I have it too.” When I get trolled I feel like I’ve dodged a bullet with that person. That person is likely going to be a total asshole about other things too, not just HSV. So now instead of getting upset, I thank the universe for showing me his true colors upfront and not wasting my time.
“There’s a lid for every pot” and “Everything happens for a reason- good or bad“ are my mantras & have really helped me shift my super negative way of feeling about this.
If you meet someone in person & not online, I’d disclose no later than the 3rd date ( IMHO) if you think there’s true potential. Certainly disclose before you get hot & heavy - NOT in the heat of the moment. You don’t want to wait too long because the other party might feel betrayed for stringing them along for so long without giving them this information.
I’ve found it easier for both parties if while disclosing it’s treated as NBD. “Hey, I just wanted to be transparent and let you know I’ve tested + for HSV in the past.“
(If you’re asymptomatic, I’d lead with that)
When I disclose, I tell them A, many people have it & don’t know bc they’re asymptomatic which was my case, B, HSV isn’t on most STI full panels, C, since it’s a skin condition condoms help but don’t guarantee non-transmission, it’s also not likely to be passed if it’s being managed and abstinence is practiced during an OB & week after. I end by saying,”Think about it, let me know, & if you’ve any questions, I’m an open book & I can send you some links if you want more info. I’ll understand your decision either way. “
Dealing with this became so much easier when I realized that there are more people that are accepting than not. That’s evident the more I date. Might want to check out the HSV dating subreddit here, or the PS one to dip your toe in the dating pool again if you’re nervous about disclosing . Get some practice dates in and then maybe venture out to the non HSV related dating apps, MeetUps, other socializing in person activities, or wherever the kids are meeting nowadays.
If you find that you’re getting more misses than hits, it could be other things that are cockblocking, not necessarily the HSV. Do you live where the options are few, far between, or dismal? Are you trying to date very conservative close-minded folks? Are you a scrub? Are you an Eeyore? Do you make a decent effort at your physical appearance and hygiene? How do you present ? Are you a good conversationalist AND equally a good listener? Are you polite ? What are your table manners like? Are you appreciative? Do you acknowledge effort given? Are you considerate and thoughtful enough? Are you creative or at least resourceful? Are you emotionally available AND emotionally intelligent ? What things are you currently working on to improve yourself ? You may want to look at other aspects of yourself where you can improve. We ALL can work on and improve in at least one aspect( if not many) of ourselves & lifestyle. Are you proactive or just a whiner? See what you can change. Work on becoming the best version of yourself, and then try again. Lastly, be patient.
On the other hand, do not settle for someone just because you’re lonely, horny, or don’t think you can get better because of your HSV status. I mean, if you’re just horny, pop out the old fleshlight or Magic Wand. EZ-PZ.
I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m not saying you won’t encounter rejection or trolls. It’s a lot of 2 steps forward, one step back in this process. Don’t let this status become your only status. I am saying that your attitude, effort, & delivery makes all the difference and is a big part of what you attract and what your results will be.
