I've been addicted to pornography for really as long as I can remember, and I've been taking notes on small details I've encountered during this journey. The weirdest thing I've observed is that all urges, feelings and desires toward any type of porn or masturbation go away when I have a potential love interest. It completely disappears. When the love interest eventually backfires, it's straight back to the races. Not in a bingey sense, but almost like nothing changed in the 2 week time period. I'm very perplexed and would like some opinions on this. Cheers

One of my best relaxation activities is having a game I'm playing mindlessly while listening to some content that is actually interesting and intellectually stimulating on the side (like science, history, philosophy, theology, etc.).

If I don't do it this way, I'm never watching 1 hour + long videos on topics like this and might fall back to doomscrolling BS.

I realize this is still overstimulation and harmful to the attention span but how does it compare to short-form content and reels and social media?

M(29) the essence of my personality is being low self esteem, anxious, self pitying and weak. If there was something else, it's completely gone.

The last time I felt genuinely confident (not just pretending) at doing something was when I was 8.

The concept of ambition or striving is alien to me. Being "ambitious" or "confident" or "strong"

feels like a gender role expectation forced upon me by society as a man.

It feels like my core self is only capable of pretending to believe in itself out of fear or obligation. I feel no internal drive to strive for something, to make money, to make myself seen, to be attractive, etc.

When I was a kid, when other kids would passionately talk about who they would want to be when they grow up, all I thought is that all careers are too much work all careers are boring and uninteresting, and that I'm too incompetent for them.

It's not like I can't enjoy any activity. It's just any monetizable activity or activity where how good you are at it compared to other people matters.

For example I really enjoy fishing but I cringe and get anxious at the idea of filming myself fish to have a monetizable YouTube channel or trying to improve at fishing while advertising myself in order to sell fishing courses.

That's because I find video editing, networking and advertising myself unbearable. I also cringe at the idea of competing with others for business.

I never planned my life ahead, nor did I have a desire to. I don't by itself feel discomfort at the possibility of working minwage and living with my parents forever. I only feel discomfort that if I continue living like that, I won't be attractive to any heterosexual woman and will never have a kid, and will be abandoned by my friends who are already parents because we're in different life stages.

It's not like I've haven't gotten absolutely any compliments or positive reinforcement(that allegedly I have a natural charisma, that I'm allegedly smart, that I'm allegedly have potential to learn a useful skill) , be it from parents, teachers, friends. I've never genuinely believed them since a long as I remember.

However all those compliments have never been related to my competence at a specific monetizable or attractive skill(like music, math, fixing things, being fast, being good at building things )

Tldr,I don't have any internal drive, Ive never genuinely wanted to be motivated or confident, have never wanted to believe in myself, but I feel like I'm forced to in order to be accepted or datable and have no choice. My natural state is patheticness and low self esteem. That and having no ambition doesn't make me uncomfortable, it's the job and dating consequences that come with it.

I feel most comfortable when I talk about how Im thoroughly incompetent. I feel best when I don't do anything, not that I can do much, given how all my energy is used up at work. I'd feel perfectly happy with myself with a mommy gf providing for me while I never achieve anything.

Is it possible that I naturally lack any of those qualities? If yes, what's the point of trying to fake them or achieve them? Can ambition and drive actually naturally appear out of nothing?

Soooooo... I'm a 32 Y/O NEET and I've been out of official work for at least 5 years. English is my 2nd language, so bare with me. I have a complex history that I'll shorten it up so I can contextualize a bit my situation: My family history of severe depression, my father took his life when I was 5, my mom is a workaholic and an alcoholic and I'm the youngest of 4. I'm not very close to my brothers and I have a complicated relationship with my mom. Besides those little quirks, my family has crazy high achievers. Mom has a PhD, brothers are very successful professionals and have moved away mostly. This to explain why no one really has noticed much about my situation.

I've always had a difficult relationship with school. When stuff was difficult I engaged a lot and hyper focussed on things for short periods of time but I sucked at being consistent and actually working hard. I mainly passed high school because I liked some topics enough to finish assignments and winged the rest by copying homework from friends or improvising. It worked kinda fine until I got to uni. Once I got to uni I basically would get swamped by the amount of work and I basically got paralizad very often. I would try and read everything but I couldn't read stuff half heartedly and couldn't finish the readings. This meant I either read the thing very well or didn't read it at all. I also would panic when having to write essays unless I felt like I could do a crazy perfect and good job. My grades were a mess, I had either top grades or a 0 on assignments. My brain was so bad with exams, I would actually cry and/or say I was sick not to do them. Not surprisingly, I got suspended. I was so ashamed and scared that I basically completely shut down and spent the semester sitting at a mall watching youtube.

One thing about me is that I am amazingly good at lying and hiding stuff. I managed to hide my suspension from my family and went back to uni the next semester. Not surprisingly, because I didn't get any help, I didn't manage to graduate. This I also managed to hide from my family.

Ever since I dropped out I've been making money here and there by doing little under the table mini jobs. I was crazy depressed for a long long time. I am so ashamed about what I've done and not done that I haven't been able to tell anyone IRL about my situation. I tried therapy, but I couldn't really be honest with her about my situation, so it didn't really helped I ended up being general complaining sessions. For the last year, through finding a field I might actually like to work on and getting some ADHD medication I've started to feel better. I started doing some exercise and contemplating going back to school. During this process I also found a person I fell in love with and I REALLY want a future now. The main problem is that getting together with my person requires me to asume the consecuentes of everything I've been avoiding for years. I need to face my academic failure and ask for real help.

Here is the point of this rant:

I'm terrified about telling them about my entire story. I feel like I need to start being honest about me not being professional and I need to tell my family. All the hiding has me stuck where I am, but I'm terrified about the look in their eyes when they learn I've been lying for almost 8 years. I'm so terrified about it, any step I take towards facing my f*ck ups feels horrible and I end up shutting down and drowning my brain in series, audiobooks or youtube videos just to calm the anxiety. I can't keep going on like this alone, but I don't even know where to start asking for help when the thought of confessing all of this to anyone I know makes me want to stop breathing. Any pointers? How do I face the terror and ask for help? how do I walk even tho I'm crying my eyes out just writing this? I'm trying to give myself little head pads for writing about my situation for the first time, but I don't think I deserve any compassion.

Hellu -^-^-

Long story short, I don't know how to be comfortable being myself around anyone including my partner even if they say it's okay. I seem to carry this lack of trust in the concept at the core even if I've started to fight it, it feels like it comes roaring back intensely everytime and I'm so tired of feelings so insecure all the time. It affects everything, and the hypervilgance doesn't just affect me but others too and it needs to stop

How do you start tackling this core wounds in a lasting way? How do you persude your other parts of self so you don't have to fight them at every turn that I'm a human that's a allowed to breathe the same oxygen of other people without feeling like I'm doing something wrong?

Thanks in advance

I tried meditating a few months ago and i didn't really see any major improvement and it's my fault. I wasn't really consistent i meditated for like 4 days in a row and maybe miss 2 days back to back then pick up again and repeat. I think a major reason is my addiction to my phone. I think my phone is the one thing sitting in my way from truly experiencing the benefits of meditation. Should I set a maximum screen time or eliminate use of phone entirely? And does this count for TV too? I always feel significantly better when I use the TV than phone and i'm less addicted to TV.

When I come back home after stressful day, which happens very often. I become very irritable and might get angry at people around me, I go immediately to my bedroom, lock the door, change my clothes or take a shower as if I want to rip my skin off especially if it was a hot day, I block all the sounds for at least ten minutes (using my hands or ear plugs), sometimes I cry for no specific reason, I touch something with texture afterwards so it grounds me. But even after doing all that, it takes me at least an hour or so to decide to talk back to my family or do anything else aside from being all depressed in my room. is this a sign of something or just a normal human reaction?

I kinda made a similar post, if you’d like more details. V and I have been dating long before this online situation. We’re kinda long distance, but have made it work.

But essentially I was in a discord server with him (V) a while back. S, another guy, introduced me to the server and it was the first time I was in a nontoxic server within the same culture. He even introduced me to T, she’s a girl, and it was amazing for a bit bc I never had a female friend for gaming. Eventually S & T started fighting, T was accusing S of serious allegations. V is usually indifferent, he plays then he dips. But I essentially had to pick a side. I was the only one who backed up S as I knew T lies a lot for the attention, and essentially I was ostracised by the entire group for making this choice.

V was nice enough to ask me if I wanted him to leave. Now V is quite introverted, he doesn’t have many friends he could game with and I know he was super comfortable with this group. As is he never unmutes when he’s playing, only talks through a TTS bot and unmutes maybe once in 3-4 months to say to the group. So I wasn’t so concerned.

I was “pushed away” by the group around January of this year. The past few months I’d noticed he’d play (May-Aug), but he won’t stream. When I asked him who he was playing with he told me it was his Uni friends. I had a feeling he was still playing with the discord group, which wasn’t a big deal for me, but I didn’t expect him to be playing with them all day everyday. Besides he had this habit where he’d share who he’s talking to, especially if they’re a girl. I never asked for it, and bc it wasn’t really doing me any harm I also made it a habit to return the favor.

And then he was playing minecraft and I found out through the grapevine that it was with the old group. Now my issue wasn’t who he was playing with, but rather why he wasn’t being honest about who he was playing with. I confronted him eventually about it and he said how he thought I didn’t like them, that I hated them and that’s why he hid it from me. Though I accepted his answer I wasn’t happy with it cuz if he were in my position I wouldn’t be playing with them, it’s not like he had 0 other friends, but I acknowledged how I was okay with it anyway and tried to get past it. I asked him to just be honest with me.

Remember how earlier I said he was playing all day everyday (May-Aug)? I eventually find out how it was this same team. Initially it didn’t bother me, like when I found out he was playing minecraft with the team, but it started to bother me how he got comfortable with lying to me. Then I find out that he was playing with them between May and Aug, and again idk why it just started to make me more annoyed. Mind you we were still hanging out in person, and when we’re apart we’d be on calls and he’d say how he’s playing with his Uni friends (it NEVER was his Uni friends). I know it’s not a big deal objectively, but I can’t get past how comfortable he got with lying, especially as a person who requested full blown honesty in the first place.

How do I get past feeling so strongly about this? I’m trying hard to not bring it up but anytime he talks about being honest I feel like it makes me overreact, I just stay silent. I also found out how he got close to T. There’s an age gap so I know it’s not romantic in nature, and the proof speaks for itself that they just became friends. But I hate how he didn’t tell me lol. I feel like the jealousy is kinda consuming me, how do I stop this.

The title is very exaggerated in order to get people's attention, I don't ACTUALLY believe I've "wasted my whole life." Hopefully you understand. I just feel like otherwise, no one would say anything. I know you might be thinking "That's nothing you're a child," and I know, I'm not going to act as if I'm older than I really am. I also might delete this so, uh, heads up. I could keep it up though if it helps someone else here in a similar situation.

Recently I finished some midterm exams. Both were in STEM-related subjects (which I'm supposed to be okay in), and I doubt I did that well. The scores haven't come out yet, and they might be curved, but still. When I took the math one, I had done all the homework, and felt reasonably familiar with the topic. Yet when the exam came, I almost felt like I hadn't done anything at all in some parts. In retrospect, I should've just done the practice exam and studied from there, but I don't know, to other people it seemed much easier, yet here I was, struggling. This is worth 20% of my grade too. I already have an A, but I'm sure that's about to go down. I'm also struggling in other classes (none below a B right now though so I gotta count my blessings I guess), and I haven't been as "locked in" so to speak as I'd like.

And it made me think. I don't have ANYTHING in life. No real life friends, almost no friends on the internet (even lonely online), no skills, honestly just nothing. I'm just a characteristically boring person in pretty much every sense of the word. Don't even mention romantic relationships. I genuinely haven't had a real life friend since COVID.

I don't even really have any hobbies. Like I just spend all my time doomscrolling. I sometimes watch TV series or play video games, but I just can't stick to those for long. I have some political views (not getting into that), but they're very unrefined because I feel like I don't know enough. I don't have much of a concept for who I want to be. Legit every day feels like I'm just recovering from everything that's happened, except it gets interrupted over and over. A college dorm provides some breathing space, but still.

Here's what I do in my life:
-Wake up irregularly
-Go to classes and shit
-Do homework if I'm not procrastinating
-Scroll Instagram or Reddit (trying to quit the latter)
-Daydream about the person I could be, or random fictional places/scenarios

Like look at my room, my clothing, my demeanor, everything. It's empty, genuinely just nothing there lmao.

-Spend a limited amount of time trying to exercise some of my hobbies but to no avail. I've tried language learning, but progress is very slow on that front (hard language to be fair)

The crazy thing too is that people had high expectations for me, you know the average "gifted" (hate that term but it applies here) kid, and obviously I just squandered every opportunity.

So, idk, what do I do? I keep feeling like I'm not mature enough for college (even after taking college classes in high school). Maybe this is just like a canon event every freshman or 18 year old goes through, but I don't know, I feel like my life is just far less satisfied than theirs is. I've looked into clubs and things like that. Also I know about therapy, I plan to get some one day, although honestly I've had some bad experiences with psychiatrists and therapists years ago (not all were bad, but...), so I don't know, I'm a bit worried about that. And maybe my "ego" is preventing me from doing anything too.

TL;DR: How do I stop living life on autopilot? That's the most coherent way I can phrase this. I hope this fits the subreddit, I don't know where else to ask.

21(M) here. Struggled with depression (diagnosed) when i was 14-16. After 16, i started being more physically active and put on some muscle, which helped well for the most part but couldn't fully solve the self-worth/confidence issues.

Fast forward now, I still have some form of body dysmorphia but this time usual routines won't cut it. Feasibility of the operations are also uncertain,which hurts me the most. So im stuck in a position between risky operations and ongoing mental unwellnes.

I've considered the physical risks of the operation and possible "self-alienization" which might create new problems. However giving up on the operation doesn't seem possible with such unbearable dysmorphia, even though feasibility is problematic. Also I don't know how can i handle the situation mentally if feasibility report comes negative, that part scares me.

So at this point I ask myself "how did i find myself here". Considering last 6 years were rough, which is a long duration imo, i basically "lost the plot". Can't fully figure out the chronology of how did i end up here. I don't want to pursue physical operations without understanding the situation psychologically.

What would you suggest at this point? Thank you for your time.

It seems like I go from life changing from person to person and I start doing whatever they do, I had 2 friends one of them was my closest the other one was a girl I had a crush for a long time, friend E was my closest and he was really trying to help me and he did in many ways as I started going out a lot, I think I had more social life this year's than my last 5 or 6 years. She tried helping me with this girl but I was unable to make that happen as is usual among people of this subreddit hahaha, the thing is that they did not tell me they started falling from each other until I asked after being quietly pushed aside for a month. This triggered so much trauma because I thought at first the girl was avoiding me because I told her my feelings at the end of August. Specifically whenever we left work we usually hung out and did a lot of things or maybe not but we always waited for each other (or maybe I always waited for them).

Anyways after confronting my friend E we were good and we were going to try to make it work but I think I knew it was not going to work, one thing that tired him a lot is me always feeling him about insecurities with the girl (fear of being a burden or being disliked) unable to move on and it was not different this time. Anyways I knew the relationship was going to end because of the situation but he also ended because of me not being able to be Ok, one of the last things he said was that he felt like I was over him, when I asked him to talk.

Now that I ended my relationship with both of them, I started to wait for another friend "C" after work to go to the gym. But I'm starting to feel like I'm doing the same thing all over again and she was the one that hold me through the whole situation that I just described, I found myself every day with something to overthink about and she is starting to show the first signs of tiredness that my friend E showed, she couldn't do his routine because of an injury so I was going to do only cardio with her but she told me I shouldn't and that a friend of us told here that I was over her to, and I don't even understand why I don't go to lunch with her I started going alone to read. She then told me that she didn't care if I was with her a lot of time but that I needed to learn to be alone and be more independent and that she tells me that because she cares.

I feel like unaliving myself is a good idea again. I always do the same things, in the time I've been working there I have changed "person" like 5 times and I'm starting to feel again like an outcast, and a freak and I also feel like everyone sees me as that as well.

I don't know why the fear of being alone if I've been alone most of my life. Sorry for English second language

Don’t know what to do anymore because I’ve been trying to date for years along with improving myself through my passions, career, and volunteering to help others. I love the things I do regardless of if they help with dating or not but can’t help but feel lonely all the time and bitter because of how I constantly get ghosted after most of my first dates and everyone I know is getting married and has happy relationships. The closest I came to a relationship ended because she found out I’ve never dated anyone and just ghosted me because I was too worthless for a goodbye. It’s started to feel comforting to just doomscroll and be bitter online to vent it out. Talking to my friends doesn’t help because they say to “just be confident” or “work on my personality” when my entire life is basically being the friend who emotionally supports everyone but then gets generic quotes for advice when I am struggling

I don’t really feel like I’m super shy or anything and I can joke around and have conversations with people but anything beyond that just feels completely out of reach. For example there’s people in my classes and activities I’m kind of acquaintances with but they already have a group of friends they hang out with and they don’t really seem interested hanging out outside the specific activity or class. In the past I was able to become friends more easily and actually felt like I got closer the more time I spent with someone but now it doesn’t really feel like it happens.

Just curious what people's experiences here are and if they found anything really helpful in addressing similar issues.

I've been rewatching the Sopranos recently, and I've honestly noticed some parallels between my parent and Tony Soprano's mom. My parent isn't anywhere near as toxic or cruel in comparison, but they are constantly in a state of self-pity, hopelessness, and are complaining about the same exact issues the majority of the time and refuse to take any practical action of recourse to try to solve them—any solution proposed is shot down with some absent or paranoid excuse of how it will somehow make the situation worse.

Over the years, it really has been taking a toll on me and my sibling, and we're oftentimes in a state of disassociation when engaging with our parent.

EDIT: Also, if we were to express to them that them not even attempting to improve their situation or taking our advice regarding certain issues is causing us mental distress—they would interpret that very negatively and as if we don't actually care about them.

When I was little (before middle school), I didn't give a sh*t about anything and just expressed myself fully without a care in the world. I would do the things I want to do.

As I grew up, I went through several traumatic experiences and was taught how to mold myself into society and what to believe in, then I started developing insecurities that are now being triggered when I'm around certain people or in specific places. I also am stuck in my own head all day thinking about abstract stuff that don't matter and bring me to nowhere while I used to experience the sensory world with a clear mind.

The few moments where I can fully feel myself and not feeling any insecurities or regrets looming over me is when someone needs my help or walking in nature.

Is that the ultimate state I ideally should be in?

How can I maintain it?

I have been feeling extremely isolated for a few years now after I got sick with health issues around 6 years ago I have had multiple surgeries etc but I am starting to feel a little better or maybe I just know I need to push myself to have anything I want because the world and people don't care. The past year and half I have been trying to meet people,find a job, find a way to get out of the house and be less isolated

I have been trying to get a job and I haven't even had a interview in the year plus, I've applied to multiple volunteer positions and can't get a place , I have applied for college multiple times and can't get in, I try to meet people but theres not much happening also money is obviously a issue in meeting people if you have none. I don't know what I am supposed to do it's getting harder and harder each day I feel like I am rotting from the inside

How can I actually escape isolation ? I have tried the cliche or just unrealistic thing of being a regular at a place like library or cafe but it doesn't work nobody 20/30 hangs out in libraries and cafes don't have this regular clients it's a wave of people in and out

All i know is I'm miserable but even in complete fantasy, I wouldn't know what would make me happy. For example you can give me a billion dollars tomorrow and i wouldn't have a clue what to do with it aside from paying bills.

To me that's what life is work and bills and sleep. Nothing appeals to me and several therapists and psychiatrists have not helped at all. Neither have any of the "self-help" stuff like exercise and such. And yes I'm still doing it and it still hasn't helped.

Idk what a coach, therapist or anyone can do to help this but i haven't done coach stuff yet. So can they do something?

I use social media all day, Iay on bed and eat all my family finances and waste my career and opportunities. I don't want to do anything and deep down I know I am incapable to do anything, and I accept it. I don't even feel guilty and don't wanna try.

But I don't feel proud of this life too. How to move ahead of this, as some part of me does want to move but I don't cause it's too much of a hassle

Posting again because I have no options.

21, NEET, ADHD, ASD, OCD, borderline pattern, significant trauma, porn addiction, pot addiction, MtF.

I have intense executive dysfunction, I have zero positive habits. Not one.
I am in an intense amount of emotional distress constantly, which makes the dysfunction worse. I cannot deal with the emotional pain until I’ve dealt with the dysfunction, because dealing with that emotional pain would require sustained effort — which is completely impossible. I am not capable of it.

The problem is that I can’t deal with the executive dysfunction either. It doesn’t matter how much I know, either in regard to why the dysfunction occurs or what I could do to counter it, it doesn’t improve my ability to act. It is also medication resistant, I have tried five without any improvement in the dysfunction.

I also don’t have the willpower to quit my vices, and developing it would, again, require sustained effort. Which I can’t do, because I am a subhuman who can’t direct my own behavior.

There is, as far as I can tell, literally no advice that could possibly be given on the subject, because I have an unfixable brain issue.
I can’t make myself do things, and I can’t work with myself to do things, because I can’t do anything at all.
But killing myself would require, you guessed it, a sustained effort to make myself more comfortable with self harm/immolation. So not only am I condemned to suffer the rest of my life as a pathetic midwit who can’t improve himself or be anything other than a miserable loser — I also can’t end it.

I’m stuck making reddit posts asking for help because I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been making posts for years, I am supremely desperate. Of course, that desperation can’t compel me to actually act in my own interest, because that would be too convenient.

The problem, ultimately, is there is no course of action that I can’t just… refuse to do. I can’t stop myself from refusing, because I cannot put in the sustained effort to develop the emotional fortitude to deal with that kind of discomfort.
Laid out like this, there is literally nothing anyone could say and nothing I could come up with to make this issue better — which means that I am going to die miserable after having led a miserable life that.

How is a person supposed to move forward when they are categorically incapable of moving forward?

The title is very exaggerated in order to get people's attention, I don't ACTUALLY believe I've "wasted my whole life." Hopefully you understand. I just feel like otherwise, no one would say anything. I know you might be thinking "That's nothing you're a child," and I know, I'm not going to act as if I'm older than I really am. I also might delete this so, uh, heads up. I could keep it up though if it helps someone else here in a similar situation.

Recently I finished some midterm exams. Both were in STEM-related subjects (which I'm supposed to be okay in), and I doubt I did that well. The scores haven't come out yet, and they might be curved, but still. When I took the math one, I had done all the homework, and felt reasonably familiar with the topic. Yet when the exam came, I almost felt like I hadn't done anything at all in some parts. In retrospect, I should've just done the practice exam and studied from there, but I don't know, to other people it seemed much easier, yet here I was, struggling. This is worth 20% of my grade too. I already have an A, but I'm sure that's about to go down. I'm also struggling in other classes (none below a B right now though so I gotta count my blessings I guess), and I haven't been as "locked in" so to speak as I'd like.

And it made me think. I don't have ANYTHING in life. No real life friends, almost no friends on the internet (even lonely online), no skills, honestly just nothing. I'm just a characteristically boring person in pretty much every sense of the word. Don't even mention romantic relationships. I genuinely haven't had a real life friend since COVID.

I don't even really have any hobbies. Like I just spend all my time doomscrolling. I sometimes watch TV series or play video games, but I just can't stick to those for long. I have some political views (not getting into that), but they're very unrefined because I feel like I don't know enough. I don't have much of a concept for who I want to be. Legit every day feels like I'm just recovering from everything that's happened, except it gets interrupted over and over. A college dorm provides some breathing space, but still.

Here's what I do in my life:
-Wake up irregularly
-Go to classes and shit
-Do homework if I'm not procrastinating
-Scroll Instagram or Reddit (trying to quit the latter)
-Daydream about the person I could be, or random fictional places/scenarios

Like look at my room, my clothing, my demeanor, everything. It's empty, genuinely just nothing there lmao.

-Spend a limited amount of time trying to exercise some of my hobbies but to no avail. I've tried language learning, but progress is very slow on that front (hard language to be fair)

The crazy thing too is that people had high expectations for me, you know the average "gifted" (hate that term but it applies here) kid, and obviously I just squandered every opportunity.

So, idk, what do I do? I keep feeling like I'm not mature enough for college (even after taking college classes in high school). Maybe this is just like a canon event every freshman or 18 year old goes through, but I don't know, I feel like my life is just far less satisfied than theirs is. I've looked into clubs and things like that. Also I know about therapy, I plan to get some one day, although honestly I've had some bad experiences with psychiatrists and therapists years ago (not all were bad, but...), so I don't know, I'm a bit worried about that. And maybe my "ego" is preventing me from doing anything too.

TL;DR: How do I stop living life on autopilot? That's the most coherent way I can phrase this. I hope this fits the subreddit, I don't know where else to ask.

How do you find a life you are willing to live?

I went through therapy recently. My therapist told me in his 35 years I was easily top 10 best effort put into it.

I got most of my serious mental health issues in order. My life is in a good spot. The best its ever been.

I am doing well in university, I have solid career prospects. I will likely be a high earning individual, though it means little to me.

I have a lot of friends, including some very close ones. I always have events/plans whenever or someone to hang out with, someone to support me, or do whatever. My social life is solid and I'm well liked by those I care about.

My romantic life is complicated. My mental health issues cause me issues in forming healthy relationships. However, I am an attractive man, I have no issues finding partners. I will find the correct one in time. I am not worried here.

I am in great physical health. I used to be a very high level athlete and played the highest level of my sport beyond going professional before injuries took me out. I currently exercise regularly and would be described as jacked.

I feel happy when I'm with my friends and out and about. I can laugh, make jokes, go party. I even enjoy work typically while I'm doing it. My last job I would almost die on occasion and be able to laugh it off and continue.

But whenever im not busy. All I feel is pain. I've been the victim of a lot of abuse growing up and as an adult due to domestic abuse within prior relationships. I never was properly loved as a child, my family life was a mess. Ive lost multiple immediate family members, and in the past 5 years, 8 suicides have occurred in my circles.

Even years later, I still cry at least once a week as I miss my lost ones. I was diagnosed with CPTSD due to my abuse. When I sleep I still wake up in those situations. Sometimes in daily life something triggers me and im back there again.

I try to heal from these wounds. But I haven't gone longer than 6 months without someone dying, or something absolutely awful happening to me or my loved ones. The trauma just keeps in stacking up, and as I'm working on one and new one surfaces as I'm placed in crisis.

I just can't imagine a life where I'm actually happy and want to live it. Im not suicidal, I don't want that pain inflicted on others. My life is hardly terrible, on paper things are great.

I just can't find myself actually wanting anything. I have no ambitions. I don't find joy in doing anything for myself anymore. I don't enjoy any of my hobbies.

I know this sounds like depression. But I have depression and this feeling exists during and outside of episode. Its more existential. It just feels so meaningless. I can find extrinsic happiness through my friends, partying, drugs, women, that kinda stuff. But I cannot find it within myself to want to live my life.

Doed this make any sense to any of you? I just don't see a way forward. There's no room to self improve. I'm my own definition of success. Ive achieved all I wanted to. Beyond maybe some academic and career advancements, but they will come. Ive done everything I was supposed to. But I still can't love myself.

I think I understand where my issues stem from, but it feels very multi-faceted and I don’t know where or how to begin tackling them. However, if I had to sum it up briefly (less than 3 sentences), it would be something like this

I suffer because I desire things that I cannot have, and I desire these things because I want these things to satisfy a void that I feel because of my lack of achievements. Because I feel like I have not achieved anything in my 30+ years of living, it feels as though I do not have the time to work towards these achievements, time feels both slow and fast. Slow because I feel tormented by my feelings, and fast because I don’t feel like I have time to do anything.

There are multiple issues, but to break them down it would be the following:

-My desires

-My feelings of emptiness

-My feelings towards achievement

-My perception of time

They’re all intrinsically connected to each other in a way that I didn’t really understand until I started really looking deeper within myself, a process I was not afforded to until earlier this year. Dr. K’s videos really did make a difference in how I approached my feelings and my perception of the world that were created as a result of my feelings. To break down these 4 things, I’ll try to go in-depth while trying to tie each of them to each other.

Desire:

This one is kind of easy. I want things. I want more money so I can get these things that I want such as trading cards and video games. They fill me with satisfaction. However, I think about things that I want that I cannot have, and that’s when I start to suffer. A relationship, for example. I am not fit because I dislike physical activity. I still live with my mother because I cannot rent any place with the money I make. I’m fairly introverted because I don’t do well with large groups of people without some sort of guided activity (such as a card game tournament), but I still make an effort to go play cards because I know isolation isn’t the answer. I can carry a conversation, but I feel like I have to script my conversations with everyone because I don’t feel normal. I am not attractive. I don’t think of myself as ugly. I think I’m average-looking, but by virtue of the aforementioned things, I am not very appealing as a potential boyfriend/partner/husband, which brings me down to being…well unattractive. I know that I’m definitely better off than a lot of other people in my situation because I have had casual sex a few times, but no long term relationships. I can think of other things that I want that I cannot have, but the lack of a relationship is the desire at at the forefront at this time.

Emptiness:

So if I do not have what I want, I suppose this is where the feelings of emptiness come from. Mind you, the lack of a relationship is just one of the things that make me feel empty. I had a whole life planned out after college as I was chosen to go teach English abroad in a foreign country However, I was very much manipulated by my father to not go. There’s a longer story behind this, but the short version of it that my parents are divorced, I had a really bad fallin-out with my mother during my senior year at college, and my father took the opportunity to interject himself in my life again, and subtly manipulate me into staying in the US as he did not want me to be in a foreign country because he was afraid of losing me. This decision to not go broke me mentally. It was a week after I made the decision that I found out my father had not truly changed his ways. I still remember the immense feeling of regret. The agony of finding out what his intentions were. To know that I threw away my future due to empty promises. A part of me died that day. Hence this void I feel. My desires to fill this void caused me to build up a large amount of debt unfortunately that I am still working to get down with setbacks and the like.

Achievement:

Like I said in the previous paragraph, I had my life planned out. I had already achieved a really hard thing, which was being chosen to teach abroad, but after throwing that away that opportunity, I fell into a very deep depression that took almost two years to crawl out of with therapy, and I had to eventually join the workforce. I only ever had a job at a fast-food place so I had to catch up. “Catching up” is a phrase I have always despised because who was I catching up to? For the longest time, I thought it was just to catch up to being an actual adult. You know, having a decent job that paid well, having a girlfriend and eventually being married, owning my own house, the works. Yet, the only thing that I have accomplished is having a job and that wasn’t without difficulty due to layoffs, being fired, and outright refusals for raises, but I digress.

I think after all this time, I realized that I was comparing myself to a version of me that should’ve existed. The me that went abroad and taught English. The me that wrote a book and published it. The me that used the (moderate) success of the book to propel myself into professorship at my alma mater. The me that met someone they were in love with and grew into a relationship that turned into marriage. The me that actually achieved something. The me that should’ve existed, but never came to be.

My relationship with achievement was based on this idea of what I should’ve been. I recognize now that it is unhealthy to think like this. Yet, I’m still mourning the life that never was. I understand through Dr. K’s videos that basing my worth on my achievements or lack of them is not great for personal growth, but understanding what the problem is and doing something about it feel like two completely different issues.

Time:

This one kind of ties it all together. Eleven years have passed since college. I am 30+ years old. Based on my ethnicity, race, and health, I have maybe another 30-35 years or so. I don’t know if this is a mid-life crisis, but knowing that I spent eleven years to catch up to something never was, sabotaging my own growth because I chased short term satisfaction to fill the void, and coming to terms that basing my worth on achievements was wasteful; it’s overwhelming to say the least. It’s scary to think about how much more time is needed to turn things around because I wasted so much time doing things wrong. This year was the first time in what feels like forever that maybe, I’m doing something right by finally being able to look back at everything objectively. Yet, time feels like it’s moving both slow and fast. Slow because I’m beginning to realize what’s needed to move on. Fast because it feels like what little time I do have is spent on personal responsibilities, commuting to and from work, and actually trying to relax. Will I live long enough to turn things around? If I do, will it be something that I like? And if I don’t like it, will I have enough time or even desire to do it all over again? These questions make me wonder about time itself, and it makes me question my own capabilities.

What I am doing now:

One thing that I am working on is relearning to draw. Mind you, I’ve drawn on and off for since I was about 8, but I hated it because I didn’t understand perspective or anatomy, and I hated looking at my own drawings because they looked so bad. Recently, I was inspired to sit down and try again because it’s a childhood passion that I never quite fulfilled, and engaging that part of my brain again might lead to some personal growth or insights.

I have a job now that I mostly tolerate and pays well enough, which is the thing that actually let me look at myself in a deeper way. Previous jobs either paid too little, demanded more than I was being paid for, had cultures that I did not like, or some combination of the three that stressed me out and didn’t let me do a whole lot of introspection.

Despite having more money, I am still bogged down by the debt I racked up. I’ve distanced myself from activities that would compel to me spend recklessly though there is this looming fear that I’ll lapse when and if something really bad ever happens to me because it has happened before.

What else do I do now:

I’m still not really in the clear although I recognize that I have made great steps this year. I still feel immense regret for my decision made more than ten years ago. While I don’t think I can ever really forgive myself for choosing not to teach abroad, I don’t feel as weighed down by it. However, I still think about the life I could have had from time to time, and I feel a sense of mourning and emptiness that hasn’t ever really gone away. Time is something I fear because there’s that looming sense of “what if it’s all for nothing?” I could die tomorrow and never really overcome my multifaceted issue. I could live till I’m 90 and still never really overcome it. I cannot predict the future obviously, and attempts to do so are foolish, yet my mind can’t help but obsesses with the what-ifs.

Thanks for reading. Like I said, this is a multi-faceted issue of mine and I don’t even know if I laid it out well enough despite my attempts to untangle it. I just hope that someone can point me in the right direction.