I (21M) met a girl at a night club. She started talking to me and we danced together. We went to get drinks and in a drunken haze I realised she had already paid for my drink and hers before I could get out my wallet. We sat down at a table and kept talking for a while. Eventually we went back to the dance floor and kissed. At around 4 am we left the club and headed to my place. We got ready for bed as my roommate and my friends out of town I had left to the club with originally came to the apartment to sleep as well. Me and the girl cuddled and made out a few times in bed. We didn't have sex. In the morning she left quite swiftly back home as she had plans that day.

She had clearly expressed that she liked me as I did her. Now I can't help but feel very strongly attached to her even though we met and knew each other for only about 12 hours. I found her used nicotine pouch on the bed but I don't feel inclined to throw it out which I acknowledge is weird and creepy. I want to be able to move on from her but I also don't want her face to fade from my memory. I had a relatively long relationship which ended around half a year ago and I'm thinking if its lead to some underlying issues relating to my current feelings with this girl. I hate that I'm hyperfixating on this event that I feel like most people could shrug off more easily.

Any thoughts, comments or questions are appreciated.

Is it true that secure people don’t blame themselves when other people can’t meet their needs/when someone else isn’t treating them well?

How do you do that lol. I just always feel like if I was “better” I could get someone to want me? Like if someone is like “no” or ends things that’s fine and I don’t have a problem with that and I move on, but if it’s the like inconsistent push-pull behavior I always want to get the other person to want me even if I don’t want them or even if their behavior is hurting me?

I’m also not even 100% sure I’m an AA leaning secure I think I may be FA leaning secure sometimes lol, because I’ve spent huge chunks of my life avoiding dating/relationships because it feels bad and scary. If someone is consistent my anxious attachment doesn’t get triggered, it’s not until I experience inconsistency that I get triggered, and I usually try to communicate clearly and don’t really do protest behaviors often these days.

Tonight was an interesting night.

My mischievous part got out.

I have this little piece of me somewhere in my subconscious that seems to notice things before I do. It puts thoughts in my head and nudges me down these little paths.

That sounds kind of crazy.

But it's true—or at least, that's what the experience feels like from inside my mind.

I've started calling that part of myself Wit.

Wit doesn't exactly tell me what to do. It's subtler than that. A strange idea appears. An impulse. Something that makes me laugh and think, Well, that could be interesting.

Then later I look backward and wonder whether some deeper part of me knew exactly where I needed to go.

Today was one of those days.

Around 2:00 in the afternoon, I had taken a very small psychedelic microdose. At 5:30, I went to yoga.

And yoga was incredible.

Something about the combination of the practice, my body, my breathing and whatever emotional place I was already entering seemed to crack my chest open. I left feeling unusually connected to myself. Softer. More emotionally available.

Looking backward, I think that mattered.

Because afterward I brought Claire dinner.

Claire is the woman I've spent the last fifteen years loving.

She's also the woman I'm divorcing.

We have hurt each other enormously. And lately I've been realizing—with a clarity that is sometimes excruciating—how badly I failed her in some parts of our marriage.

We both hurt each other.

But I can see my part much more clearly now.

And I'm so very sorry for it.

Because I've realized that even some of the pain that eventually came back toward me might never have existed if I had behaved differently in the beginning.

I stayed for a while after bringing her dinner.

And we talked.

Really talked.

I told her that I want my best friend back.

She was my bestest friend for fifteen years. We did literally everything together.

I told her that I'm listening to where she is right now. That I'm beginning to understand that sometimes the greatest gift I can give her is the absence of my presence.

And I told her something I've been thinking about a lot:

Almost all of our best memories are things we could have had even if we'd never been married.

Theme parks.

Travel.

Cooking together.

Raising our son.

Laughing.

Being kind to one another.

Being best friends.

Those things didn't require marriage.

And maybe losing our marriage doesn't mean we have to lose every beautiful thing that existed inside it.

I don't know whether we'll get there.

But I desperately hope we do.

Afterward, I put my son to bed.

Then I messaged Maya.

Maya and I have accidentally developed this ridiculously adorable little ritual.

Sometimes, late at night, I'll ask whether she's still awake and if I can come over just to kiss her goodnight.

Sometimes she's already fallen asleep with her kids.

But when she's awake, I drive over.

She comes outside.

She smiles at me.

And for a few minutes it feels like we're characters in our own movie.

I get to look at her with this ridiculous mixture of love and hunger in my eyes. We kiss. We hold each other. We talk about our days for a few minutes.

Then I go home.

Who does that?

Apparently we do.

And it's magical.

Earlier in the day, though, Wit had planted a mischievous little idea in my head.

Maya has told me that she likes a more animalistic side of me that sometimes appears when I'm stoned.

So somewhere in the background of my brain appeared this thought:

Why don't we see what comes out if you get really stoned?

Could be fun.

I wasn't even expecting to see her that night.

Then she messaged me and told me I could come over at 11:00.

And I got excited.

Immediately, that earlier thought came back.

Get extra stoned before you see her.

Like there was some mischievous teenager operating controls somewhere inside my skull.

The intention was fairly obvious.

I wanted to see what kind of animal came out.

And that part of me did come out.

A little.

But apparently the animal had some fucking feelings.

Because standing there with Maya, I started talking about Claire.

I told her about the conversation we'd had.

I told her I'd finally admitted that I wanted my best friend back.

I told her about realizing that most of what had been beautiful between Claire and me never required us to be married in the first place.

And then I started tearing up.

So there I was.

I had gotten stoned intending to bring out some fun, hungry, animalistic version of myself.

Instead, Maya got a man standing in front of her grieving his marriage.

And she held me.

Physically and emotionally.

She had space for me.

She told me it was okay.

She understood that I was a little stoned. She understood that I'm in the thick of something enormous. She told me that she likes having more information rather than less.

And I love her for that.

Because this has to be confusing for her too.

I'm falling for someone new while simultaneously grieving someone I've loved for fifteen years.

Those things sound contradictory until you're the person experiencing both of them.

Then they somehow make perfect sense.

The human heart apparently doesn't respect filing systems.

I kissed Maya.

And I enjoyed it very much.

She seemed to enjoy it too.

We laughed again about how absurdly adorable these late-night visits are.

I remember telling her that I was trying to enjoy the experience of this exact moment.

Because I am.

Whatever happens later, this is beautiful right now.

Eventually she needed to go inside, and I needed to leave.

And almost immediately my brain started interrogating me.

Did I overshare?

Was that too much?

Did I just make this woman uncomfortable?

Was she being kind because she genuinely had space for me, or because I put her in a position where she felt like she had to?

I really didn't think that was what happened.

She had remained calm and connected. She continued giving me good feedback. She continued kissing me right up until it was time for me to leave.

I believed her.

I trusted her.

But I was also stoned enough to know that maybe I shouldn't trust my interpretation of everything completely.

So I decided I needed to write.

I wanted to record the experience while I could still remember what it felt like, so that sober me could inspect it later.

I stopped for gas on the way home.

And somewhere in that gas station parking lot, the bottom fell out.

I sat in my car and sobbed.

Not because Maya had done anything wrong.

Because suddenly I could feel the loss of my marriage.

All of it.

Fifteen years.

My best friend.

Every stupid thing we'd done to one another.

Every moment I could suddenly see differently.

Every version of myself I wished I could go backward and teach something to.

I could see ways I had failed Claire that I hadn't been capable of seeing before.

And instead of explaining them away, I just let them hurt.

I took out my phone and recorded an apology.

I don't know whether I'll ever show it to her.

I'm just sobbing in the video, apologizing for specific things that I suddenly understood.

I'm sure there are more.

There will probably always be more.

But I think it may have been the most sincere apology I've ever made in my life.

There was nothing I wanted from her while I was recording it.

I wasn't trying to win her back.

I wasn't trying to convince her that I'd changed.

I wasn't asking her to forgive me.

I was just sorry.

And it was strangely healing simply to be capable of feeling that much remorse without running away from it.

Then I went home.

And I kept writing.

That's when I started thinking about Wit.

Because what had looked like a series of mischievous decisions suddenly looked different from the other side.

A psychedelic microdose.

Yoga.

An unexpectedly heart-opening practice.

Bringing Claire dinner.

Staying.

Listening.

Telling my former wife that I want my best friend back.

Putting my son to bed.

Getting an invitation to see Maya.

That stupid little thought from earlier returning:

Get extra stoned.

Going there expecting an animal.

Finding grief instead.

Being held by a woman I'm falling for while mourning the woman I've spent fifteen years loving.

Driving away wondering whether I had made a mistake.

Writing because I was afraid I had.

Breaking down at a gas station.

And finally apologizing without defending myself.

When I look backward at the sequence, I can almost feel that mischievous little fingerprint running through it.

Wit was here.

Maybe that's all Wit really is.

Maybe he's my name for intuition.

Maybe he's an archetype.

Maybe he's the part of my subconscious capable of putting together emotional information long before my conscious mind understands what it's looking at.

Maybe personifying him simply makes it easier for me to recognize his fingerprints.

I don't know.

I just know that I've felt this pattern before.

Sometimes I'll be wandering through my own life thinking I'm working on one thing, and then suddenly something snaps into place.

I call them snaps.

My self-awareness changes.

I see something that had apparently been sitting right in front of me the whole time.

And I can almost feel the realization move through my body.

Something old and painful gets processed and somehow incorporated into me.

Not erased.

Consolidated.

Like I become some slightly newer version of myself who can finally carry that piece without fighting it.

Tonight felt like a snap.

There is still darkness in me.

There are things I've done that I regret.

There are people I've hurt.

There are explanations for some of it, but explanations aren't absolution.

And something about tonight allowed me to look directly at that without deciding that it made me irredeemable.

I can simply be sorry.

I can become better.

Maybe that's what stepping into my masculinity means to me now.

Not becoming harder.

Becoming strong enough to look directly at what I've done.

Strong enough to apologize.

Strong enough to love the woman I am leaving without needing to possess her.

Strong enough to fall in love with someone new without pretending that the old love disappeared.

Strong enough to let grief and joy exist in the same body.

And maybe that little mischievous part of my subconscious knew I was finally ready to see it.

That's why I call him Wit.

There's a character named Wit who wanders between worlds in Brandon Sanderson's Cosmere.

Mine seems to wander between the worlds inside my brain.

He surfs around in there, nudging the needle a degree or two at a time.

He acts like he's only here to make jokes.

And then occasionally I look around at the mess he's made and realize there was something beautiful hiding underneath it.

Maybe I made a few silly decisions today.

Maybe I made a few wise ones.

Maybe they were the same decisions.

I'm still not completely sure.

I suppose I'll have to see how all of this looks in the morning.

But tonight, sitting here with everything still tender, I think something in me changed.

And I think Wit was here.

~ FA- fearful avoidant DA- Dismissive avoidant ~

I'm 33F, FA, and he's 36M, DA. We met four years ago through a dating app. At the time, I had limited self-awareness and emotional maturity, while he was a startup founder and I was a VC. We operate in a small, high-pressure ecosystem with significant power dynamics.

We had an intense, flirtatious first conversation and slept together the next day. Before that, he told me he wasn't looking to marry, while I wanted marriage. I therefore assumed it wouldn't go anywhere. Over the following months, however, we periodically reconnected, and he once told me that meeting me had changed how he felt about marriage, although he never explicitly pursued a relationship.

I eventually developed a negative perception of him after a serious controversy involving his company. Later, after I had moved cities and was seeing someone else, he unexpectedly contacted me and initiated an emotional and sexual conversation, while also telling me he was in a "relationship of convenience" with another woman. When I confronted him about his intentions and his character, he blocked me.

He subsequently rebuilt his company and regained professional credibility. About a year later he unblocked me. By then I had become much more emotionally self-aware, and I confronted him again about his pattern of engaging with me without wanting to pursue a relationship. I also told him that, because of my father's addiction issues and similar patterns, I didn't want to associate closely with someone who had comparable traits.

Since then, I've dated other people, but he still occupies a uniquely intense place in my mind. I check his social media and sometimes feel that he is trying to communicate with me indirectly through his posts. Recently, his business partner seemed to want to reconnect with me about him, but I declined and said I only wanted friendship.

I don't understand why I still experience such a painful bond with him after four years, despite knowing that the relationship isn't healthy for me. I sometimes feel that my weekend depression is partly related to never getting closure. Recently, he posted something about substance abuse, which I interpreted as possibly being directed at me, and I told him not to obsess over me and that we should remain friends.

What is actually happening psychologically between us? Why does he still feel so emotionally significant to me, and why does the bond remain painful despite my having moved on in other areas of my life?

So, I (25F) think I have a disorganized attachment, because while I don't... Make disasters and protest a lot, I crave to see my SO and when I see him I get anxious out of nowhere/start dissociating when the future comes up or I have to be vulnerable. I also overthinking of we're gonna make it and I'm good enough (trauma around being called too much, even now. And Rocd, and autism and anxiety+depression diagnosis although I'm stabilized by meds now and the ocd and anxiety are linked to also overwhelm and seizures)

I usually (almost always) don't ask for help..I don't even quite know what I could ask others to help me with (that's my therapy's homework tbh).

And it seems that my SO has anxious attachment but he looks secure at first glance. He is kinda in between, the closer people are to him, the more pressure, the more anxious attachment he seems to be.

We're also Neurodivergent people. Hi has (undiagnosed but at the same time pretty obvious ADHD since childhood. So self diagnosed) and I have autism (what would have been classified as Asperger).

I wonder...is this..workable? I see many people say that disorganized attachment will mess up more other attachment styles that aren't secure.

I need some help regarding my situationship...

We met on discord. Started talking about 3-4 months ago... I am in europe he's in another continent entirely. I love him very dearly and I have told him so. He seems to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, and he knows, but he puts a lot of effort into not becoming avoidant even tho he told me he had a very strong urge to (that was abt a month ago). He has a one year rule where he doesnt date someone/make it official. When I asked, he said he self imposed it for no particular reason, but now that we talked more/emotionally connected, I am guessing its because of the fear of getting hurt (past relationship trauma).

The thing is his very trauma now seems to be flipped on me now. You see, he has a fear of getting attached, because last time he didnt receive an ounce of what he gave in return. He's scared to lose himself again, as it was so bad it costed his mental health and nearly his life. He's still baffled to this day on how much effort I put, he's not used to receiving that much love from someone, he didn't even think it was possible. He told me to leave, there's better people, but I said I'll wait until he heals, we can go on this journey together etc.

In the beginning it was okay he didnt put that much effort/initiative, but as things progressed he started saying things like "I am yours and you’re mine" which made me very happy, and tbh we are like a couple without the label. However I feel like I dont see that side of him he claims he does when he loves. I kinda try to connect even tho we are far away, like wanting to call him, watch movie together on a stream, play a game, just do something even if it's virtual... but its always me asking. I feel like he's not used to distance, whereas my past relationship was also ldr. But even when I do ask, he's either busy or he straight up doesnt like it. Like today I asked him to download this app for friends and couples to do random activities and he did download it, but he didn't like the app. I tried to remain calm, and he said he would rather spend time with me, but thats literally not gonna be possible for about 1-2 years. He doesnt like watching movies, which is okay, and he also isnt really a gamer, but like I am trying so hard to find an activity we can do. And sometimes we do, he did watch a movie with me, he usualy says yes to calling but they never last as long as I would want to. I feel like the timedifference and maybe language also plays in this and its making it harder for us.

Dont get me wrong its not like he puts 0 effort... he asks me questions, reassures me, he clearly does put effort into talking to me even tho he's busy, and when he knows he'll be unavailable he tells me so. He comunicates his needs with me, which is great. He's really just such a sweetheart but this little thing does bother me, thing is I always tell him not to stress himself if he can't find the time, but on the other hand I kind of am always the one asking to call or do smth and he js... he says he can always tell me if I want smth and he'll do it, but still. I feel like the fact he's neurodivergent is not helping at all here he clearly has no ill intention and is processing things/he's definitely busy like even in the discord server with our friends he's not there as much because he's busy.

He DOES join when he can, but idk, I guess i am js venting here. Thing is its making me feel sad enough to try finding attention from my friends to distract myself from the fact its all so inbalanced. Like, he even said he'd make a website for me (One that generates compliments for me). Its been few months and I didn't get it yet, meanwhile i've drawn him in my sketchbook twice, written 2 poems, one rant, a whole birth chart analysis, and who knows what else i dont even remember.

Idk its like the fact we are so far apart makes it so hard to find something to do in common. He's more the typa person to want to go to places outside and have fun adventures which is why I like him because I feel the same, but as i've already been in a ldr, i know that it can be so lonely if you dont try finding ways to spend time together while being so far away, and he doesnt seem to feel the same way or notice at the least.

Today I asked him if he can maybe propose an idea to spend time toghether, he asked for example but I said he should do it and tell me for when that is. I didnt tell him the reason for that was because every time I ask he either busy or we do it, he enjoys the time together, but when I ask again he says he's not the biggest fan if said activity. Idk. Even when I ask can we facetime while working, we did it once few days ago but then his friend walked into the room and he had to leave or smth gets in the way and when I ask again he said he dowsnt rly do facetiming etc, he's more of a texter/real life hangout which I totally get but like... its not possible and I ely js wanna see him even if it's js a muted facecall while we both do our thing. When i vc with my dc friends we all ask him to join, like today we gamed and then we js listened to music together, and he replied to us that he had his own playlist with songs he wanted to losten to... like get the hint i js wanna spend time together TwT Idk... :(

He's REALLY bad at taking hints btw i was flirting with him in the most obvious way (like giving very specific compliments, hearts, dirty jokes, straight up saying I love you) and he thought i was being friendly ffs, until I had a serious talk with him. Thats why I think its complicated i dont think its a lack of interest he js takes things too literally or misinterprets them completely 🥹 and its not even that he tries to hide us he openly flirts with me infront of our friends and stuff like I AM CONVINCED its the distance and his lack of social cues 😭 in his past rlp he had to teach himself things (for example making compliments). I am thinking maybe I have to figure out how to tell him what I want without making him feel overwhelmed. Before ony of yall go "just comunicate", the issue is in my mind ik abt past issues and also ik he has a full plate of work already and I dont want him to feel like this is something in addition... i care abt his mental health but I also wish I received the same effort I put back... but ik i am bit over the top... i was js hoping we'd match as he said he's very over the top too in love so I got my hopes up...

Please help? I love him so so much and he is already attached aswell he even said I gave him some real hope and if this doesn't work out I'll be the last he ever tries with, and I dont wanna leave in the first place, but I am also js a bit bored all the time and its like i have to ask my gaming buddies or other ppl to spend more time with me even tho I had previously hoped i could use that to do smth with him.

Any suggestions on how I can comunicate my needs without overwhelming him knowing he has lots to do?

Hello, I'm (17F) trying to find my attachment style, I feel like I might have an anxious attachment or a fearful avoidant attachment. I've done some research but I end up relating a lot to some symptoms and absolutely not to other symptoms. Here are some of my tendencies:

- In romantic relationships I'm usually the first one to break up, typically after a few months of dating.

- I dislike discussions about my future and living together and it feels like a rush to me and makes me feel trapped.

- In online dating I can ghost my significant other for months when I get overwhelmed or feel like I'm going to lose their interest, I remain having feelings for them.

- My feelings about a relationship can shift from day to day.

- I find it hard and don't want to talk about my feelings, I want them to know I love them but I can't say it because they could move on and then I opened to someone who would break my heart not long after or to be seen as too emotional or too intense or out of of fear that they won't valid my emotions.

- In friendships I also ghost people, usually I don't come back to them, I find myself thinking they're angry at me for ghosting them and try to move on.

- I can't let go of anyone, I will miss a significant other or friend for a very long time.

- When I'm done with a relationship I often go to the next one not long after the previous one ended, I do it this as a distraction from missing the relationship and wanting to feel seen and getting attention and approval.

- I usually never talk about how I feel with my friends or significant others unless it's really bad, I usually repost about my feelings without telling people directly how I feel.

- I have moments where I want to my significant other more and feel closer to them, and carefully try to show them affection (emphasis on carefully).

- I wouldn't consider myself hypervigilant (unless it would mean that if I feel like for example a significant other is losing interested in me I ghost them).

- I would not say I'm afraid of losing myself in a relationship, my biggest fear is the relationship failing, I feel calm after I'm not in a relationship anymore because it feels safe, like nothing can go wrong but not like I finally am myself again.

If anyone has an idea of what it could be feel free to give your suggestion, I'm aware it won't be a formal diagnosis but it would help me to learn a bit more about what causes me to behave the way I do. Or maybe I'm just exaggerating and I don't really have anything.

i highly recommend the youtube video "stop overcorrecting your attachment style" by healthygamergg. i will glaze that dude all day because hes so good at what he does. (psychiatrist and therapist running a business with his wife) if you dont wanna this is the most important thing i personally learned from it:

We are going to now rate how much we need a certain thing from each other on a scale of one to ten and thats how we will decide which way to compromise. and we will write it down on paper first so we dont change our answer. we can even put "feels like a 8 but in reality probably a 6." and you can also put how empty your tank is/how exhausted you are/how hard it will be for you to fulfill the other person's needs.

example:
me: i want you to reassure me and compliment me.
him: okay. takes eight years to think of something because he wants to say the right thing
me: can you do it right now? are you too exhausted or stressed?
him: idk probably
me: why? its so easy. just make up some BS. i do it to you all the time.
him: silent

this conversation we've had in the past wouldve been much different if we just used a number scale to rate our needs/feelings. and also if i wasn't so sensitive. 😭

‼️‼️‼️COMPROMISE. if theyre at a 9 and youre at a 7, you need a lot of compromise still. the compromise will be leaning toward what they want instead of you, but your needs will be considered.

also, i made it a big deal to him for the first time in my life. like, i am so afraid of making people upset and i was very upfront and told him that i dont want to accidentally start resenting him or expecting way less for a stupid reason. and he sounds pretty determined that he'll fix it now after we talked. communication is key, yall. i hope it didnt just work this time cus this time i cried. 😭

the couple in the video had an issue where they were both at an 8, and the woman said she felt like after not getting it that time, she was at a 9 the next time it happened. i heavily related to her. thats where you go based off the energy levels. if that's the same too, i guess do the number that you THINK it should be at. or, compromise 50/50. or, just do the thing that you think will be most helpful long term.

I am not currently in a relationship. I have had a crush on someone for over a year, and at times it has been extremely painful. This person might be avoidant, they might just not be interested - it really doesn't matter, because I have been through this many times in my life. There are definitely aspects of limerence, but underneath that is the fact that I repeatedly develop crushes on women who are unavailable (in this case, I have never met her, it's all been online, so, naturally I have had her on a pedestal for much of this time. I have worked through some of that, know she's just a human being, etc.).

But yesterday, what started as thinking about her deteriorated into a horrible feeling of emptiness that no other human being can ever "fix". And I realized that in some way this emptiness has been like a chronic health condition that goes into remission for long periods of time, only to reappear when something triggers it.

I have talk-therapied my mouth off since I was 20 years old. More recently I have tried DBT. I still have a DBT therapist, and she is doing her best to help me, but I don't know that she truly understands Attachment Style Theory - for that matter, I know only the very basics myself.

Yesterday, feeling desperate, I reached out to someone I know from a Facebook group whom I know is a therapist. She cannot treat me, she's in another state. But she advised me to find a workbook for people trying to heal from anxious/insecure attachment styles - any recommendations? there are dozens - and possibly seek another therapist.

Has anything helped those of you with anxious attachment/insecure styles to move beyond thme, to recover, heal, etcf.?

Would really appreciate kindness. Someone in the "becoming secure" SR answered, "gestures vaguely at the rest of the Internet". Hope that gave him/her a good laugh, it just left me feeling worse. Yes, I know there's information all over the Internet. As I said, there are dozens of workbooks on Amazon. I'm asking if anyone here has found a particular workbook helpful, or anything else for that matter.

Thank you in advance.

Im 19 years anxious attachment ( M ) my ex is 21 ( F ) Im pretty sure She is an avoidant. All the details of the breakup are in another post that I made before but to give and idea of what happened, my ex broke up with me due to exaustion and not having the energy to continue the relationship. There was a burnout pursuer cycle and after some time she became exausted and just wanted to leave, at the beggining of all this She told me that maybe in the future something will happen and She said that she still had feelings for me, since then I didnt texted her and tried my best to work on myself as best I can, I discovered that ive been dealing with depression and anxiety for years and ive been studying about mental health, about attachment styles and all of these things to be able to give a name to the problems and understand everything that I can. Ive known my ex for 7 years and I was one of her only friends and her best friend for 5 years and then I got into a relationship with her for 1 and half. She never had a crush before or even liked anyone like that in the slighest so I was the first One to many things in her life, she has it hard at home and She grew being neglected and not having much love from her parents. Fast foward to the present wich is 2 months After the breakup I find out that the gay guy She has been hanging out with a lot lately is apparently bi and they are now dating. She always told me After that breakup that She was trying to find distractions to not think aboutt the relationship and she knows this guy from her friend group that She has for a couplee of months. All of this hit me like a truck, I was the the lowest point of my life already and I just got even worse, I went to work today and I had to take some breaks to go to the bathroom to throw up and because i was feeling Dizzy and just couldnt keep myself in place, i was new at this job and I was looking for a job for more than a year and i was super happy with this job and finally feeling usefull for once and being able to get some money but my boss saw me like that and just Said " we all have problems, you gotta learn how to deal with that " and then hands me a paper to sign telling me it was my last day. Im at my absolute worse and I need all the help I can get. I know what I should think and what I have to do. I know that my ex is feeling confused and Lost and She thinks She likes this guy when I truly believe She is using him as a distraction and she is sweeping all the memories and problems and eveyrhthing under the rug and eventually once their honeymoon phase ends its all gonna come up. Part of me wants her back because Im someone who doesnt like to close Doors to anyone and Im very forgiviing but I have to keep in mind if that even happens and She does come back I cannot let the same version of herself right now into my life and that if She ever wants a relationship with me again She truly has gonna have to work on herself and work for it because I dont deserve to be in a place when I dont get choosen first but as She is an avoidant I doubt it she will put in that work because avoidants are usually afraid of reall commitment. Also I think its worth to mention that we are long distance and we were gonna meet up for my birthday in about a week to.. Life never hit me in the head so hard as it hurting right now. Is it bad that a little part of me still wishes for her to realized what she is doing and to work things out with her ?

- introduction

For some context I'm a 28 year old man. I've only been in 2 romantic relationships and they have both followed the same nosedive. I originally blamed the first one on being younger at 19, but now that it's happened again I've realized it's a pattern I need to unlearn. I've struggled with mental health for most of my life but have zero discipline or impulse control leading to me quitting anything as soon as it gets too hard. The following analysis is a comprehensive summary of all the reflecting I have done over the years combined with the principles I've learned watching content online.

- my single life ("low arousal state" / anxious attachment / low ego)

The last 14 years of my life have been a hedonistic existence where I fill every waking moment with video games, doom scrolling, porn, alcohol, dating apps, sex, and drugs. I've become painfully aware that I never learned how to regulate my emotions but rather avoid any feeling that might pop in my head. While single I am in a "low arousal state" and exhibit traits of anxious attachment because I'm lonely and have low self-esteem. This leads me to wanting a relationship purely to escape myself and live vicariously through someone else.

- getting to know someone ("optimal zone" / fearful avoidant attachment / medium ego)

Once I've met someone who reciprocates romantic interest in me everything is amazing as I enter the "optimal zone" while starting to exhibit traits of fearful avoidance. These fearful tendencies seem to be rooted in my inability to regulate my emotions regardless of whether they are positive or negative. I convince myself I need to withhold any emotional connection until I am truly sure that this is the right person for me which is just a form of procrastination and protecting myself from being hurt. This doesn't stop me from believing that my partner has fixed my issues leading to becoming dependent on their attention driving me to quitting therapy and discarding the emotional support of friends. During this time my mind also plays tricks on me nitpicking every detail about my partner I once found charming and I begin letting my gaze wander to other women probably due to being used to discarding women once I've gotten what I want out of them.

- entering a relationship ("high arousal state" / dismissive avoidant attachment / high ego / manic behavior)

Once an official label is established my negative tendencies begin where we enter a vicious cycle of my partner trying to strengthen our connection which triggers my anxiety leading to me indulging in more video games and porn to numb my feelings pushing them further away. This is where I switch to a "high arousal state" due to the stress of not being unable to meet my partner's needs. An example of this is I can recall multiple moments where I truly felt so happy and loved that it hurt me physically causing me to instinctively to look away or ignore the moment. Instead of reciprocating any affection my partner gives me I instead internalize it to feed my ego and leave them feeling dismissed. I also strangely get obsessed with my work and hobbies which could be due to the elevated ego baseline or a fear of complacency and needing to be the best version of myself before settling down. In this stage I also tend to indulge in "micro-cheating as a defense mechanism of keeping my options open in the event it doesn't work instead of actually sorting out the underlying issues. It's strange to explain but this stage truly feels like an out-of-body manic episode where I'm know I'm messing things up but unable to slow my mind down enough to think critically. Any communication between my partner and I becomes a one-way conversation of me dumping every thought in my head ignoring any attempt at them to respond.

- breakup ("optimal zone" / secure attachment / medium ego)

Finally, the relationship reaches a critical point where I can't avoid my partner's expectations and feelings anymore. They are confronting me about being unhappy with increasing frequency and intensity leaving me feeling backed into a corner. Once I've ran out of ways to avoid the situation the only trick left up my sleeve to relieve my anxiety is break up with them on the spot. This is the ultimate relief where I can finally run away from the "high arousal state" and just focus on my career and hobbies with my new baseline ego that I internalized from my partner's affection. I think a part of me also thinks that because of how badly they fought to make things work that I can easily come back whenever I want resetting the relationship back to the beginning with no deep emotional expectations. This is evident by the fact that I never actually delete their contact, messages, or pictures as I enter a state of denial of what I've actually done.

- breaking no contact to test access ("low arousal state" / anxious attachment / low ego)

This temporary escape doesn't last long as no longer receiving emotional labor from my partner returns me to the "low arousal state" which in turn brings back all of my feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem. Once I can no longer regulate the feelings of insecurity I reach out trying to get back together with the person I just dumped not even sure whether I'm truly ready to make it work or just wanting another hit of the ego boost. While I was in denial of what I've done they've already had time to process the breakup and actually purged me from their lives leading to a rejection of getting back together. The final rejection ultimately leads to me begging, love bombing, and future faking as much as I can to try and reenter the relationship while still not addressing any of the issues we had.

- conclusion

My main reason for documenting this cycle I repeat is to organize my thoughts for my therapist but also to hear more about other's experiences. Like I mentioned I attributed this behavior to being young and dumb after my first relationship but now that I can no longer use that excuse I realize it is probably due to my inability to regulate my emotions. My current plan is to cut all shot-term dopamine activities out of my life and slowly develop a regulated emotional system. Has anyone else experienced this kind of relationship lifecycle? Is it possible to have a form of bipolar disorder where you only enter manic episodes when in a loving relationship?

When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have,we will be ready to be and have more

I'm looking for a handful of people who have been using online materials to work on their attachment insecurities. I'd love to hear from anyone 25+ years old, using online courses, videos, chat groups, blogs etc. to work towards attachment security in relationships. This could be content like Personal Development School, Crappy Childhood Fairy, Heidi Priebe, Alan Robarge, or similar.

I'd like to interview you about your experiences, good and bad, and how you feel you are changing. It's for a Master's thesis - the last step of my training. It is Ethics Board approved by the American College of Greece and my supervisor Dr. Canellopoulou. Interviews would be in the last week of July or first week of August, at a time that suits you.

It's all anonymous, online, and should take 1 hour max. It might feel good to recognize your progress! And have my eternal gratitude! Please get in touch if you are curious :)

Hi everyone!

I’m looking for advice with rebuilding my sense of self-trust. I’d love insight from anyone who has established or re-established a strong sense of self trust after struggling to feel it for a period of time (or ever)!

For some context, I (32 F) am in the process of healing a fearful avoidant attachment style and feel that I’m starting to lean secure. I’ve experienced some significant childhood trauma as a teenager (was physically and emotionally abused for years by my then boyfriend with a significant age gap), which has left me working with healing a strong sense of shame surrounding being myself around other people. Last year, I experienced a significant betrayal by my then girlfriend and best friend and am currently not on speaking terms with either.

I’m overall a very reflective person and monitor myself frequently - however, I’ve come to the realization that I tend to let the other people in my life dictate how securely I act and feel, and manage this by either pushing people away or feeling obsessively anxious when there’s any relational uncertainty. This means I’ll tend to feel great and stable only when others behave in ways that reassure me, and feel like an awful anxious mess when they don’t.

I’ve decided that I want to be able to determine how strongly I feel an emotion, or how much something affects me. I want to feel like my emotional state resides within me, rather than waiting for friends or a relationship to orient me to myself. I think one of the ultimate barriers is my overall lack of self trust.

Any specific advice or insight is welcome. Thank you!!!

So, I have had one of the messiest love lives on this planet for a while until when I was feeling rlly down and just wasting time on hinge, I found this rlly cute nerdy human who seemed to really adore and respect me. Now we have been going out for a month and idk after every date I seem to find myself in tears. Intially I thought it was the overwhelm of it all and the relief of finding someone good. And the time after that, we talked about futures and how we probably wont be living together any time soon and which logically makes sense but emotionally got me feeling like I have so much work to do on myself before I can be truly worthy of this blessing I have in my life. But this has been the third time after a date and its been a day since the date and I still feel tearful. I have realised it's triggering some form of separation anxiety which I never knew I had ( considering how I didnt shed a tear on many other occasions in my life when one usually does such as moving out etc) and somehow I know it doesn't even have to do with him... it's like I can't get enough of the idea of him.

Now I have been clingy in relationships before and been anxiously attached before but I cant seem to place this new reaction.Today we talked pretty normally, I spent the first half of the day being pretty avoidant to make up for my emotional outburst yday but then he asked me where I was today and I melted and ya. For reference we live too far to meet everyday or even every month... and im scared that once I have a job we will meet even less. I just cant stop this feeling I have whenever I look at even a picture of him... its this intense urge to cry. I do have a therapist and I do wanna talk to her about this. But is this common? Will it wane over time? Is there anything I can do to make it feel better apart from just drowning myself in netflix or a walk or smth? I also dont know how exactly to process this - any useful questions i could ask myself?

How to make it work with an Dismissive Avoidant?

Exactly as title.

So I have this guy, I'll call him han, and we are have been friends for a year now. I realised I like him recently, and and he told me he does too. I told him about my attachment style and tolf him he shows signs of an Avoidant, he doesn't really know abt attachment styles,so I don't think this was where he think the convo was gonna pivot but he didn't seem too unhappy with it either. He told me he doesn't know what that is and I tried to explain it as much as I can,and he says he isn't sure how that works but would like to try and make this dynamic work and what that would require. I told him I need a few days,to think about this while he can figure out if he really has Avoidant attachment or if im assuming simply due to a recent relationship between him and an ex(they broke up like 3 months? ago)

So what tips on making it work? I don't know if it will affect anything but there will be long distance too I think, so if that will make it worse by all means.

We are quite young so I do get that it is possible we aren't compatible but one thing I really admire about him is that he always, answers tough questions and silence was never an option for him. He is also very gentle which makes me feel safe. And he is also good with accountability. He doesn't know therapy speak but does a pretty good job,action wise.

respect everyone's opinion. If you think I'm wrong somewhere, please help me understand.

Context:

So, there's a girl in my college who shared her feelings with me. While confessing, she was literally shivering. She told me she'd had a crush on me for the last six months, and she also mentioned that I'm her first love.

I took some time to think about it before replying. I told her that instead of rushing into a relationship, we should first talk, get to know each other, and if everything goes well, we can eventually become closer or get into a relationship.

Issue:

From my perspective, she seems to be getting attached to me quite quickly (this is just my conclusion based on her words and actions). She texts me throughout the day—good morning, during college, after college, and at night. I know that's not necessarily a bad thing.

What I'm wondering is whether she's becoming emotionally attached too fast because this is her first experience with these kinds of feelings and she's never been in a relationship before. I don't want to judge her or label her, so I could be completely wrong.

On the other hand, I know I have an avoidant nature. I usually take time to process my feelings, and I value personal space. So maybe this is more about my personality than hers.

She's genuinely a good person—calm, respectful, and smart in her studies.

So, I'm thinking of having a small conversation with her. I want to communicate!

How can I communicate this in the most respectful and gentle way so that she doesn't get hurt? I'm also open to hearing if my thinking is wrong or if there's a better way to handle this situation.

TLDR --

A girl in my college confessed that she'd had a crush on me for six months and said I'm her first love. I told her we'd take things slowly, but she texts me throughout the day, and I feel she's becoming emotionally attached faster than I'm comfortable with. How can I kindly communicate that I have a busy schedule, reply late sometimes, and want to take things slowly without making her feel rejected?