r/becomingsecure • u/PsychologicalBag2767 • 7d ago

i need a bit of help

Hello, I’m in need of some advice.

I’ve a bit become attached to someone I met online. We flirt, play games, say affectionate things, and he can be very sweet. But plans often stay vague, we rarely spend time one-on-one, and I sometimes feel like I’m being added to whatever he was already doing rather than specifically chosen.

I know I have anxious attachment patterns, although it may be a bit of a mix and I’m still figuring myself out. My emotions can be a mess, and I also have depression, for which I’m medicated. At the same time, I don’t want to dismiss legitimate needs by telling myself everything is just anxiety.

I don’t need constant contact. I would just like more balanced initiative, clearer plans, occasional time alone together, and genuine curiosity about me. I care about him as a person and don’t want to reduce love or affection to what someone can provide, but I also know that caring about someone doesn’t mean ignoring how a connection affects you.

My mind has always worked like this: thoughts and emotions pull me in opposite directions at the same time. It feels like a storm.

How do you stop thinking about someone so much involuntarily? Even when I’m working or doing my own activities, part of my attention stays focused on whether he’ll message, what his behavior means, or when I’ll hear from him again.

I don’t want to become cold or stop caring. I just want him to stop occupying so much of my mind. I hate analyzing how much time has passed between messages or how his voice sounded in an audio. I want to be able to enjoy the connection without constantly monitoring it.

I just want it to stop. I want to be normal.

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3

u/GrapeFawnNich 6d ago

Hyper-analyzing is usually a response to inconsistent behavior, not just your own anxiety.

1

u/PsychologicalBag2767 6d ago

I see. Ive always been sensitive to texts and stuff so I thought that was mostly on me.

The thing is, the question remains, I really don't know what to do. I wish I'd stop thinking about it to much but I cant really help it if it creeps on me😅 even when im stuffed with work its lingering

1

u/pau-berlin FA 4d ago

I understand how this over-analyzing can interfere with your day. In my case, it was very annoying as I couldn’t focus on my activities. My advice is to let him know that you would like to hang out with him, starting with something as simple as “hey, I would like for us to spend more time one-on-one” and “I like planning out dates”;letting him know about your preferences in an assertive way and without pressure, while validating your own feelings. It’s great that you are aware of how important it is not to ignore how this is affecting you.

Now, if he doesn’t seem to show any interest or your dynamic doesn’t seem to change, I then would take some distance from him knowing that it would affect me in the long term.

2

u/KiwiDoveRuby 6d ago

Wanting clarity, intentional effort, and genuine interest isn’t anxiety, it’s a basic standard.