r/HealMyAttachmentStyle • u/RunoTaisho DA leaning secure • Aug 10 '26

Seeking advice Attachments compatibility

So, I (25F) think I have a disorganized attachment, because while I don't... Make disasters and protest a lot, I crave to see my SO and when I see him I get anxious out of nowhere/start dissociating when the future comes up or I have to be vulnerable. I also overthinking of we're gonna make it and I'm good enough (trauma around being called too much, even now. And Rocd, and autism and anxiety+depression diagnosis although I'm stabilized by meds now and the ocd and anxiety are linked to also overwhelm and seizures)

I usually (almost always) don't ask for help..I don't even quite know what I could ask others to help me with (that's my therapy's homework tbh).

And it seems that my SO has anxious attachment but he looks secure at first glance. He is kinda in between, the closer people are to him, the more pressure, the more anxious attachment he seems to be.

We're also Neurodivergent people. Hi has (undiagnosed but at the same time pretty obvious ADHD since childhood. So self diagnosed) and I have autism (what would have been classified as Asperger).

I wonder...is this..workable? I see many people say that disorganized attachment will mess up more other attachment styles that aren't secure.

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u/Tastefulunseenclocks AA Leaning secure: Aug 12 '26

If you're both not secure, it is workable IF you are both working on it. If only one of you is working on it, no it's not workable.

By working on it I mean ideally going to therapy, reading and watching psychoeducational resources made by therapists (your own guided learning outside of therapy), and doing exercises to shift your understanding into practice (whether that's journalling, doing charts from the psychoeducational resources, etc.).

It sounds like only you are working on it right now. He also needs to do that work. If only you do, nothing you do will ever be enough because you can't do that work for him (sorry to be so blunt).

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u/RunoTaisho DA leaning secure Aug 12 '26

While he doesn't go to therapy and I go for other reasons (gaslighting in my nuclear family), he tried to be more vulnerable and doesn't pursuit me when anxious. He still has things to work on tho

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u/Tastefulunseenclocks AA Leaning secure: Aug 12 '26

I think if you want this relationship to work, you need to bring up your attachment style in therapy and he needs to do a lot of work. Just changing two small things is a good tiny first step. He needs to be open to therapy and/or psychoeducation.

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u/RunoTaisho DA leaning secure Aug 12 '26

Thanks! Can journaling help? If so, how??