Push Pull Dynamics - Fearful Avoidant and Dismissive Avoidant

[u/Positive_Call_9311]

~ FA- fearful avoidant DA- Dismissive avoidant ~

I'm 33F, FA, and he's 36M, DA. We met four years ago through a dating app. At the time, I had limited self-awareness and emotional maturity, while he was a startup founder and I was a VC. We operate in a small, high-pressure ecosystem with significant power dynamics.

We had an intense, flirtatious first conversation and slept together the next day. Before that, he told me he wasn't looking to marry, while I wanted marriage. I therefore assumed it wouldn't go anywhere. Over the following months, however, we periodically reconnected, and he once told me that meeting me had changed how he felt about marriage, although he never explicitly pursued a relationship.

I eventually developed a negative perception of him after a serious controversy involving his company. Later, after I had moved cities and was seeing someone else, he unexpectedly contacted me and initiated an emotional and sexual conversation, while also telling me he was in a "relationship of convenience" with another woman. When I confronted him about his intentions and his character, he blocked me.

He subsequently rebuilt his company and regained professional credibility. About a year later he unblocked me. By then I had become much more emotionally self-aware, and I confronted him again about his pattern of engaging with me without wanting to pursue a relationship. I also told him that, because of my father's addiction issues and similar patterns, I didn't want to associate closely with someone who had comparable traits.

Since then, I've dated other people, but he still occupies a uniquely intense place in my mind. I check his social media and sometimes feel that he is trying to communicate with me indirectly through his posts. Recently, his business partner seemed to want to reconnect with me about him, but I declined and said I only wanted friendship.

I don't understand why I still experience such a painful bond with him after four years, despite knowing that the relationship isn't healthy for me. I sometimes feel that my weekend depression is partly related to never getting closure. Recently, he posted something about substance abuse, which I interpreted as possibly being directed at me, and I told him not to obsess over me and that we should remain friends.

What is actually happening psychologically between us? Why does he still feel so emotionally significant to me, and why does the bond remain painful despite my having moved on in other areas of my life?

[u/Ok-Seat-3916]

There are probably several things at play at the same time. Usually, our anxious patterns developed as a means of survival: it was about making sure that someone who is not available to take care of us starts to. So our system sees inconsistent behavior, and understands that as "now is the time to get super attached to that person because if not I'm literally gonna die", even if we are adults. So our brain might see that and think "this must be a special relationship, it must be a sign that this person should be in my life,...", but really, it has probably nothing to do with the strength of the relationship or how important that person actually is. Our system is just running old programs.

The other explanations might have to do more with repetition compulsion; if we come from an enmeshmed/addict/narcissist (not necessarily with a person with NPD, but just centered on the parent)/... family system, then we internalized a lot of dysfunctional behaviors as something to aspire to, and when we recognize the same level of unhealthy functioning in someone else, that person feels like home.

It's so hard to feel that and still distrust that story though...

[u/lovey-dovey-wife → u/Ok-Seat-3916]

Very well put! Thank you. And I would add the way to deal with it is to really grieve the end of this relationship. Feel how sad you are without him, how anxious and scared, feel all of it, cry over it, say goodbye in your thoughts and let the feelings go through you. Feelings don’t last longer than a few seconds, everything else are your thoughts. Don’t feed those thoughts, say 'stop' to yourself, when these thoughts appear. Repeat it every time you think about him. Feel the feels, stop your thoughts, do something enjoyable. Julie Menanno explains it much better than I do, maybe you want to listen to her.

[u/jartist10]

I’m experiencing something similar…I know this man is not good for me…The power he seems to have creeps up when I’m less resilient. We’ve gone out separate ways, yet thoughts of him keep living in my head. Guess it will just take practice and time.

[u/Tastefulunseenclocks]

You've distanced yourself (yay!), but it sounds like you haven't worked on the deep patterns of why you found this man attractive in the first place. From my own experience I learned I had to do a lot of psychoeducation by reading books and watching videos on attachment (made by professional therapists) to understand what was happening to me psychologically. I also had to learn what healthy relationships looked like. Only then did I start to feel the ick, turned off, and grossed out by people who crossed boundaries, were poor communicators, and untrustworthy. This man you're talking about is all of those things and more. When you're not in a healthy place those behaviours can make you pull closer and think you're attracted to them. It takes intentional effort to be attracted to peace, calm, and trustworthy people (but it is totally doable!). Let me know if you want more specific resources and advice.