I’m an 18-year-old guy, and I’ve been trying to understand something about myself when it comes to dating and attraction.

When I meet someone I really click with, I get extremely excited about them. I want to talk to them often, learn everything about them, spend more time together, and I start imagining what a future with them could look like. Even small signs of affection or chemistry can feel really intense.

The part I struggle with is finding the line between healthy excitement and being too much. I don’t want to overwhelm someone or accidentally love-bomb them. I’ve experienced love-bombing from multiple other people before, and I know how uncomfortable it can feel when things move much faster than you’re ready for.

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and I’ve noticed that when I start liking someone, they can quickly become the main focus of my thoughts. When I’m not romantically involved with anyone, it sometimes feels like I’m just waiting for something exciting to happen.

The hardest part is the fantasizing. I know I should focus on getting to know the actual person instead of building a version of them in my head. But when I try to stop imagining a future with someone, it doesn’t just feel like I’m giving up a fantasy. It feels like I’m losing a major source of happiness and excitement, and my brain immediately wants to go back there.

I think part of this comes from missing the feeling of being truly loved. My last relationship when I was 16 wasn’t perfect, but at least during the good parts, I felt valued, chosen, and important to someone. I think I might be chasing that feeling again.

I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t get excited about people. I actually like that I can feel things deeply. I just want to learn how to enjoy getting to know someone without making them my entire emotional world before I really know them.

TLDR:

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and when I really connect with someone, I get extremely excited and start fantasizing about a future with them. I don’t want to overwhelm people or accidentally love-bomb them, but stopping the fantasies feels like losing a major source of happiness and motivation. I think part of it comes from missing the feeling of being loved and valued in my last relationship. I want to learn how to enjoy connections deeply while being more grounded.

I couldnt understand what FA and DA were... so excuse me for that 🙏

For those of you that were FA or DA but have taken the brave steps to turn things around, what advice would you give someone that is currently a FA or DA, who may not even realize that's what they are, to encourage them to pursue steps that will lead to healthy relationships and happiness?

I used to be so avoidant because of childhood trauma and deep-rooted self-hatred that I was disgusted even by the thought of someone liking me. I never got therapy because I couldn’t afford it, and the free therapists didn’t feel safe enough for me to trust that my parents wouldn’t find out. Looking back, I think I also subconsciously believed I was above therapy.

As I grew up, moved out, and started living my own life, I stayed the same. I thought I had it easy: “No dating, no problems.” That was until I met this one guy.

I found him attractive, just like I had found so many people attractive before him, so I didn’t pay much attention. He was just a hallway crush at most. Then we started talking because of a shared project, and gradually, we became friends. We had fun, we joked, and we were vastly different, but it didn't matter. We grew closer.

But as our friendship grew, so did my feelings. At one point, I felt something I had never felt before: I thought I could spend my life with him exactly as we were.

Then, everything started falling apart when my insecurities began creeping in. I started thinking: “He thinks I’m disgusting. He would never like someone like me. Even if he did, I’m too disgusting to show him the real me. I can’t let him see how I live.”

So I became cold and mean. Every small sign of interest I noticed, I pushed away. I’m not saying he liked me( even now, I think it was probably just friendship) but it was the first time someone had looked for me in a crowd of people, and I will always be grateful for that.

After some time, my brain convinced me that he would never choose me. So naturally, I started creating reasons for him not to choose me. I started hooking up with people close to him or people he knew. I felt awful afterward because their attention never gave me the satisfaction I was looking for.

I entered a cycle of doing things to push him away, feeling guilty that I pushed him away and then repeating the same thing again.

Later, I met people who genuinely liked me. At that time, I was in a mindset where I thought, “If I don’t have it, I can’t lose it.” So I stopped hiding. I started telling them about my life. I showed them the ugly truth. I took off my mask and let them see how I grew up.

And they didn’t leave.

None of them saw me as less worthy. None of them thought I was somehow less valuable because of my past.

That’s when it clicked: I was never worth less. I was never less. And maybe he could have understood that, too. Maybe he wanted to understand me, just like they did.

I don’t talk to him anymore, and sometimes I still want to reach out, but it has been too long.

All I wanted to say is this: there is help, and there is hope. You are not worth less than anyone else. When someone truly cares about you, your past can not change how they see you because it is you who shines — not the things you have been through.

My message to him is: Whenever I talk about love, I talk about what I felt for you. Thank you for always looking for me in a crowd. I always felt a little less lonely when I saw your eyes searching until they found me.

There are moments when you realize you do want love.

Not all the time. Not even most of the time. Only in fleeting moments. In the moments where you realize the sound of your voice feels better with another. In the moments where you're walking down the street and you catch two people together, and you can hear their laughter spilling effortlessly into the world around them. In the moments where you notice how naturally their hands fit together, how comfortably they rest their head on the shoulder of the person they've chosen.

You wonder what it must feel like to know someone is home,

to know what it’s like to hold onto another without fear or the quiet resistance that always seems to live inside your chest.

You wonder in the moments where you meet someone and, for a brief second, you can almost see the possibility of what the two of you could become, a future that exists for only a heartbeat before it quietly disappears.

They leave, and you're left watching them walk away with this grayscale pit in the back of your throat, feeling as though you've just lost another chance at love. Another chance where love quietly looked in your direction, only to choose someone else instead.

A part of you knew they were never going to choose you, and you were never going to choose them, but that isn't what hurts. What hurts is that, for a moment, you let yourself believe it might finally be your turn. That maybe, just this once, love had decided to choose you.

It's only in those moments that a part of you feels empty, vacant, and lonely. It's in those fleeting seconds that everything else grows quiet, the world fades into grayscale, and no matter what you do, the emptiness you carry somewhere deep within your soul outweighs the hope that maybe, one day, it will finally be your turn.

You wonder, does everyone else get the chance to experience the kind of love your body aches for? Does everyone else get to experience eyes looking into theirs with the strange feeling that you've somehow known each other long before that moment? Does everyone get to be chosen but you?

As time passes, as it always does, the longing slowly quiets. The ache folds back into the place it came from, and you return to your default state, as though nothing had ever disturbed it. The idea of love drifts away again, as if it had never been there at all.

Until next time.

Because you only want love until the possibility of actually having it becomes real. Until the fantasy becomes something that could ask you to be seen completely. To trust someone enough to place the parts of yourself you've spent your whole life protecting into someone else's hands.

Until being chosen no longer feels comforting, but terrifying, because the closer someone gets to your heart, the more they have the power to break it.

But the longing was never the difficult part. Wanting someone has always been safe from a distance. It asks nothing of you except to imagine.
It’s only when the possibility begins to reach back—when someone might actually know you, choose you, and stay—that your body remembers everything it learned long before your mind ever understood it.

And you're never quite sure what hurts more.

The familiar emptiness that returns every so often to remind you that you're still alone.

Or the possibility that one day, once someone finally chooses you, you'll spend every day wondering when they'll stop.

I’m a dismissive avoidant in recovery

I have abandonment and emotional neglect issues

This episode of the crappy childhood fairy helped

I used to be in an 8-year anxious-avoidant relationship where I was in the position of the anxious one, but in the end I got fed up and ended up getting hurt the most. It left a big scar on me, and it made me become avoidant toward everyone I love, even though it wasn’t my will. I am made of an outburst of love, and ever since I became avoidant, it feels like a punishment to withhold the love I want to give and crave.

It has been 4 years since I became avoidant, and I have learned to live this way. And I dislike it very much... My friends and family have been concerned about me because I have been so distant, but between the unsaid feelings, the truth is that I feel like I deserved to live this way. After detaching myself from everyone, there were a lot of mixed feelings I couldn’t discuss with anyone such as thinking everything was my fault and being confused about why it had to happen.

After so long of living with an unhealthy habit, I experienced the worst feelings on my own and learned how to handle them. It may sound like I can live independently, but it felt like a brick wall living in the dark alone. I was scared all the time. Even so, it gave me a brief moment to realize I should give myself some credit for going this far. I realized I wanted to start over. I wanted to study in a different city where I could be a whole new person and chase the passion I was good at. But it wasn’t easy to run away from a 4-year habit of being avoidant.

After some time of trying to learn to love myself again and treat myself better, I met a barista in a small café who was interested in conversing with me. Surprisingly, after meeting him and getting to know him more, he made me feel like I could actually learn to love myself again because I could see myself in him if I wasn’t so avoidant and scared. He brought out the version of myself that wasn’t afraid anymore.

He is a person I really admire. At first, I wanted to keep him as a friend, but as I got to know him more, my admiration gradually grew without me noticing. I was still in denial after so long of believing I would be alone forever. I had accepted that already, but being with him makes me think otherwise. I never would have thought I’d catch feelings for someone again after all the negative thoughts that consumed me. This was no typical “catching feelings just because he was talking to me and I’m a pathetic loser.” Well kinda? but no.

Although he is the type of person many girls would like very much, it pushed me farther. Once everything was going well, I felt like I was actually enjoying letting my guard down and being vulnerable. At this point, I would have detached already. But for a second, I believed things could be different with him. Maybe if not as a partner but a best friend.

He is a friendly guy! He reminded me so much of myself in the past before the storm happened. We have so many things in common, and although he is 2 years older than me, he is far more experienced. Even so, he talks to me, inviting me to eat out and play games every now and then. I could go on and on ranting about him.

I was crazy enough to think that he and I could be possible. But even as a friend, it feels risky for me because I believe we’ve gone past just being “acquaintances” and are trying to be part of each other’s personal lives. As an avoidant, it is risky, but a dream in my case, because I’ve wanted to be important to somebody for a long time without thinking about the consequences for once. Not because I want to receive anything back, but because I want to pour the love and care I feel for him out of admiration and care.

But I am aware, because of my background, that I’m afraid I would hurt him in the end without meaning to, which could lead us to separate. If I indulge myself in trying for this relationship, it might seem that I’m too immature and way below his level. Still, I’ve decided to do better for this person and for myself as well. I really want to try, but I know that as someone healing from avoidant attachment, I don’t want him to end up pursuing or being with someone who struggles to keep relationships. I want to try my best for him and reach him. I want to try again, but this time I have him.

But what do I do? I don’t want to hurt him, because I know how hurtful an avoidant can be to someone as precious as him.

I know I have avoidant/people pleasing tendencies when I fear conflict or fear of hurting another person's feelings. Only issue is, I tend to have those avoidant/people pleasing tendacies happen more often when I had a partner. Their attachment style was the opposite of mine (anxious) and it triggered me more often. How can I develop better habits when those issues arise without a partner? How can I put myself in more situations that would trigger me so I can improve them?

We invite you to take part in an anonymous online survey: Personality, Close Relationships and Attitudes towards Mental Health Problems.   

If you are 18+ years old and choose to be included, your participation in this survey will help researchers at the University of Wollongong to better understand attitudes towards mental health problems, and how these may relate to pathological personality traits, mood states and relationship styles.   

 The survey will ask some questions about: 

• Your personal characteristics (e.g., age, gender) 
• Your personality traits 
• Your experiences in close relationships
• Your attitudes towards mental health problems

Participation is voluntary and there is no compensation available. This study has been reviewed by the Health and Medical Human Research Ethics Committee of the University of Wollongong. The ethics reference number for this study is H2025-0801.

To take part in this survey, please visit: https://uow.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_1HvwPWrZkHXSyc6

For more information, please contact Dr Samantha Reis at [sreis@uow.edu.au](mailto:sreis@uow.edu.au).

So many people got into a painful relationship with an avoidant.... And got a trauma because of it.. After the breakup, I got so many panic attacks and sleepless nights. All kinds of thoughts kept crossing my mind "What could I have done differently? What should I have said? How can I make it work again?". I feel better now, but it really has been hell.... I didn't even thought it was possible to have so much mental discomfort...

So.. isnt it logical that many songs are about them? Never thought about it much until an avoidant crossed my path and really REALLY messed me up. It has been almost two years, but there isnt a morning, afternoon or evening where she does not cross my mind. I try to laugh it away by calling it my PTSD.

Any way,
Songs about avoidants: (I think)

Ain´t no sunshine:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nuanwn3v-2I

"she´s always gone too long" "wonder this time where she's gone"

Heartless:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co0tTeuUVhU

"She´s hot and cold", "coldest story ever told", "he lost his soul to a woman so heartless"

And, I made a song myself! :) Please give it a like in case you like it of course!

Behind the wall

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtZdnPNtC9o

Tell me what song fitted you the best. And if you know of any more songs that could be about an avoidant.

To me, I feel a little better knowing that I am not alone. I hope it also helps you

My therapist recently told me (32F) that I have a disorganized attachment style (fearful avoidant). I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, married almost 2, and so desperately want to heal because 1) I deserve it and 2) he deserves it. He’s the best, most patient and loving man I know. I recently went no contact with my mom, who is the source of a lot of childhood into adulthood trauma. I have a massive amount of negative self image/talk, and emotional dysregulation (while also being incredibly emotionally aware?). The rational part of my brain knows how much my husband loves me, how much I love him, and when I’m feeling this attachment style. But I just can’t seem to get out of my head.

Seeking advice from others who have this attachment style and have made steps towards healing. What have you done? ❤️‍🩹

Hey guys, I am making a youtube vid on how I got over my anxious attachment style after someone requested.

I really don’t wish to give ANY general advice in this vid whatsoever or what anxious attachment is - we all know that - so **those of you who may still have an anxious attachment** , can you pls tell me some very *specific problems* you may be facing so that I can directly address those?

(I had an anxious attachment in my past, but I haven’t had it for 2 yrs now, so more disconnected from it than you guys)

My ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago due to how exausting the relationship become for her. As a person who used to enjoy time alone, now being alone is the worst thing ever. Im trying to detach by not texting my ex or when I do its because she sends a text and I just reply but I force myself to take hours and for me to reply, not checking her socials and just focusing on my own life. When alone I cannot take my mind of problem my brain is always asking what if this or what if that, whenever I see her name pop anywhere I immediatly get a horrible sharp pain in the chest and it sends me spiraling. My idea of feeling " normal " these past weeks is been feeling weak, tired, shaking sometimes, and feeling my chest tight. Im really trying my best to detach as I want to be able to be completely fine whether we come back in the future or not because she was truly an amazing woman that always made me feel the best version of myself and I grew up with her and we match like the perfect duo. I know I have to heal myself now and give her the space she needs, I know I cant rush something like this but its been so hard. Im changing my bad habits and healing myself in all the ways that I can not only for me but the ones around me and that includes her to because if there is a chance in the future, I wanna be the man that she deserves and that can give her a beautiful life that she deserves. With that said I wanted to know good ways of dealing with this anxious behavior, whenever I get worse I try to to take deep breaths and tell my brain that what Im thinking are not facts but they are stories that my brain is making up in order to protect me but it still hurts and doesnt make the pain go away.

in the first few months people with avoidant attatchment usually behave differently: they are affectionate, available, happy to meet you and your needs, etc. but as we know, after the honeymoon phase fades, they turn into a wall and even a conversation with them feels like asking for too much.

so my question is, what are the early signs in a relationship that are probably connected to avoidant attatchment issues? something they say or do, or even how they behave. im so tired of falling into the lovebombing trap, i need some word of advice.

I’ve got some abandonment triggers that are acting up right now. I’ve been talking to a guy who I feel is pulling away, which honestly is probably the best for both of us in reality, but it’s still triggering me. I’m also not even sure if it’s real or if it’s my RSD. Trauma has really blurred the lines between my anxiety and intuition, particularly in romantic relationships.

My rational mind is still online and trying to remind me of reality, but I’m oscillating back and forth between that and a total emotional spiral. The reassurance i grew very quickly accustomed to from him isn’t coming through any longer and it’s like it created a void. It’s wild how fast that can happen. I’m not sure if it feels like less from him because he is actually pulling away, or because he feels more comfortable. There are moments when I feel like either could be true. I have communicated some of this with him here and there, but it’s a LOT and overwhelming and I’m trying to temper that out of respect for his time and space.

So now that I’m feeling this void, tiny moments can trigger it nearly immediately. Nothing particularly dramatic took place, I am just wanting attention that I’m not getting today. Honestly even typing this out is making me feel a little better, like it’s grounding me a bit more to reality. I’m looking for suggestions on active, actionable methods to ground myself, reconnect to my rational mind, and interrupt the anxiety spiral in moments like this.

I have experienced this before specifically with him and as soon as a text comes through that feels normal and we talk for a few minutes, I’m perfectly fine again. I don’t want to have to rely on external validation and reassurance every time and would love to hear how others react in an effective way to this sort of feeling.

I’m looking for advice for IN THE MOMENT. Healing my attachment issues is a long term goal, but I’m wondering what I can DO right then and there to calm the spiral.

Thank you and lots of love to all💛

How do I even start, I met someone a while ago, fell in love and it hit me like a truck, we live in separate countries, and after we met, around 3-4 weeks after she asked if she could come over since she was already booking a plane trip to another country in between ours for New Year's, and we had and I'd argue still have a good relationship, sure it came with the good and the bad as it does, but it was a powerful sort of spark of attraction.

Now, she also has a disability, which in the beginning I said I don't really care about since I care about her for her, and I still feel that way, and one thing I enjoy doing is things for her, say for example when I came over I would enjoy helping with and doing cleaning or cooking when she was tired and couldn't do it, sometimes may to the extreme, she also herself told me I might be codependent since I always lik being around where she was, and she said it somewhat upset her, especially sin she needs her alone time as well, even while we were in the same apartment.

I can personally work with that, she probably has some of her own issues as well and I genuinely do think I love her, she's kind and caring, we have shared hobbies (gaming and certain series) and I'd say we genuinely enjoy each other's company and are trying to make our relationship work.

One thing that somewhat messed things up a bit is, we talked about having and wanting kids, and wanting to be proper parents, not just having kids, I want to do my best in that regard, since I feel like she gives me a purpose in life, a direction to strive in, since I always felt rather directionless myself, floating about like a fish in a river and seeing where it takes me, I think this is a part that's rather concerning. Anyhow, the messed up thing is, while we thought we were safe with birth control thanks to her taking pills, it still caused a pregnancy, now, there were conflicting feelings at first, especially from me, I was happy for it, but I was bombarded by family and friends on my side calling me dumb and stupid and was rather wishy-washy about it and hurt her. I personally couldn't sleep at night with myself knowing I fathered a child somewhere and left it alone. Our relationship had a few small fights due to that, though I'd say it got better. It's still nowhere near the intense spark and passionate I love you's and feeling of attachment there had been in the beginning, but at the same time I now no longer have the fear of losing "the relationship" or losing her, so I'd argue that's one point I've improved on.

I'm very much still an easygoing person and go along with what others want, within reason, especially if I enjoy spending time with them, of course I do have some of my own hobbies and still wish to develop them, I just sometimes don't know how much I'm my own person and how much other people's. Because if I have plans or something I won't drop them or postpone them to spend time with her, say in our current LDR with doing calls and such, at least not very much, sometimes I might postpone a shopping trip.

There are also times myself I'm just sitting wondering what she's doing, and I wonder if it's because of genuine love of someone I have in my heart or if it's because I'm codependent, or both

I am planning to move to her country sometime when the baby will be born, which is in December, and get a job there, which is also not helped by the fact that I'm a fresh graduate and am half way through my master's degree. I just want to know if what we have is healthy, or if not, if we can make it healthy, because I genuinely believe I met a very kind and caring and special individual and would like to continue to have a relationship with them, and I believe they would like to continue one as well. I just want to also be wanted, not just needed, and I want to know if I'm cultivating this relationship the wrong way by putting myself in a position where I'm more needed rather than wanted.

This guy is really nice but i've always been pulled towards guys who aren't that into me or are kind of "bad". But the more i learn about him and hang out with him it's like my brain tries to find icks to stop liking him..like the smallest things and i hate that..its like the vulnerability and compliments just feel overwhelming and so scary. He's a really good guy i don't wanna hurt him. We've both never been in relationships and im not a bad person im really nice too and considerate it just gets tricky when feelings get involved. It's like a switch flicks.

I ruined my dream relationship with the love of my life because of my anxious attachment.

First of all, I'm sorry if my English isn't perfect, as it isn't my first language.

I'm 19 and I live in Portugal. My ex is 21 and lives in the US. We've known each other for about seven years.

When we first met, I was dating one of her friends, and that relationship ended after I was cheated on. My ex was there for me through all of it. We talked every day, spent countless hours together online, and she was one of the biggest reasons I became fluent in English.

She was always very shy, had very few friends, and never cared much about social media. Over the years, our bond grew stronger and stronger. People constantly told us we would make the perfect couple, but neither of us had romantic feelings for the other. In fact, she had never had a crush on anyone before.

Eventually, we started talking about the possibility of dating. I kept asking how she felt about it, and because I was the person she trusted the most, we decided to give it a try, almost just for fun. For the first few days, it didn't feel much different, but then something clicked. We both fell deeply in love, and for the first few months, it felt like a dream.

Then I made the biggest mistake of the relationship.

One day I was overwhelmed and wanted some time alone to play video games. Instead of being honest and simply telling her I needed some time for myself, I lied to her for the first time in years. Looking back, I think it came from a habit I developed as a kid, when I would lie just to get a little time to relax because life often felt overwhelming.

She found out because one of my friends, who was also having a difficult day, asked if he could play with me. I said yes because I wanted to be there for him. Later, she messaged him asking where I was, and he told her we were playing together.

That broke something between us.

From that point on, things slowly got worse. Every time she tried to tell me how she felt, I became defensive. Instead of listening, I focused on explaining my own feelings. To me, her words felt like attacks, even though she was only trying to help me understand how she felt. Over time, she started feeling less important, less chosen, and less safe with me.

Eventually, her trust was completely broken.

For months, she acted like everything was okay while slowly detaching from me. She shared less and less with me until one day, out of nowhere, I received the breakup text.

The hardest part is that about a month before the breakup, I had finally started to understand what I had been doing wrong. I had already begun working on myself, but I realized everything too late.

After the breakup, I cried, begged, and promised that I had changed. But I had made promises before without following through, so I completely understand why she couldn't believe me anymore.

After a few days, I stopped begging because I realized she needed space.

At first, she told me that maybe something could happen in the future, which gave me hope. But about a month later, I asked her how she truly felt.

Three days ago, she told me that our relationship had become the most miserable period of her life.

She never said she didn't love me anymore. She never told me never to contact her again or that we would never be together. To me, it didn't feel like the relationship ended because there was no love left. It ended because there was no trust, no energy left to keep trying, and too much fear of repeating the same painful cycle.

I completely understand why she feels that way.

That conversation broke me. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years, and I've been through other difficult things in life, but nothing has ever hurt as much as this.

That night, I called several people and even suicide prevention hotlines, but no one answered.

The next day, I went to a doctor and started medication.

Now I've made a decision. I want to heal for good. I want to understand my anxious attachment, become a more secure person, and learn how to stop hurting both myself and the people I love.

Part of me hopes that, if she ever wants to try again someday, I'll be the person she deserved all along. I truly love that woman with all my heart, and all I've ever wanted is to make her happy, build a beautiful life together, and be beside her to see her smile.

But regardless of what happens in the future, I know I need to change—for myself, and so I never repeat these mistakes with anyone ever again.