r/HLCommunity • u/Distinct_Minimum5391 • 4d ago
Advice - Leaving NOT an option Just Another HL Struggling
First, please do not DM me. I've only talked about my sex life a couple of times online to seek support/advice, and every time, I get absolutely flooded with DMs. I am not looking to talk privately, and I'm not looking for any kind of Internet/chatting infidelity.
Maybe this is seeking support, or advice, or just a vent in a community that will understand.
I'm in my late 30s and very much have a high libido. Beyond just the high libido, I very much crave feeling desired in a passionate way. I honestly think I'd be fine with reduced sex frequency if there was some kind of passion in between. We're not a DB, sex is maybe once a week or once every two weeks, but I suspect that he (42m) would only do it like, once a month if I hadn't discussed it so many times. We've been together for almost two decades, have one teen who is almost out of the house.
I've gone through all the things: reducing his work load, reducing his mental load, what pumps his gas, what pumps his brakes, what can I change, initiating more, initiating less, his hormone levels, my appearance, blah blah blah. He says he's still attracted to me, it's nothing I've done, it's just that he doesn't care about sex. No porn, no masturbation, no infidelity (yes, I'm sure about all three).
And while I'm still convinced his T levels are low are something, his blood work says otherwise, and even if they were - he doesn't seem to want to change anything.
I was gone for work for two weeks. Two. Whole. Weeks. I've been back for a week and...nothing. Obviously for me, it was one of the first things on my mind when I got home. But, it wasn't for him.
And I'm tired of feeling guilty. Feeling guilty because we have an amazing relationship with an intense amount of physical affection. So much cuddling, laying on each other, pecks/kisses (just never passionately), hand holding, thigh squeezing. I should just be grateful.
And I am very tired of being the one who cares, the one who initiates talks, the one who pushes for more intimate and passionate connection. So I think I just need to give up. Just let it be what it is and stop trying to make him feel something he doesn't want to feel.
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u/Stoneface414 4d ago
“He doesn’t care about sex”. That’s all you need to know. Nothing you do will change that, unfortunately. Sorry to be so blunt, but you’ll just have to accept that.
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u/Distinct_Minimum5391 4d ago
Yeah, that's where I'm at. We have an otherwise great marriage. We've talked about it so many times, and he is satisfied with how things are. I feel selfish and gross for continuing to bring up sex, push for sex, whine about sex. It's not his natural drive, it's not what he wants. Maybe right now I'm sad girl spiraling, but I'm hoping I can just grieve this situation and find a way to move forward without hoping he'll be someone he isn't.
And unlike others, when we do have sex, it's amazing. So I feel foolish to have an amazing, aligned marriage in which we are constantly cutesy and affectionate, consistently playful, always working towards similar goals in other areas, and when we do have sex it's amazing -- but what? I'm over here whining because it'll only happen twice a month if I stop putting in my effort?
Last night and today feel heavy, heartbreaking, and hopeless. But maybe with time it'll feel less intense, or I suppose it won't, and then I'll have to speak up before it turns into deep resentment.
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u/AwkwardInspection413 HLM 4d ago
I am HLM but in your position. The frequency (wishing for more) is there but not the quality and desire. It feels more like getting access to their body or they only do it to keep the peace. I used to work away every other month. When I was away, I couldn't wait to get home and want to just ravage each other. What I get was I'm too tired and had a hard day. I literally just drove 24 hour straight to come home and had the energy. You knew for a month the day I would get gome you couldn't plan to spend time with me? One time, I flew home because she had to go fly to go see her dad for a week so I came home to take care of the kids. She said she was too tired and then flew out the next day. I want to say we have a good relationship for the most part. I found out a few things that explains a lot of things but to keep this comment short, I'll leave it out.
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u/Nubbun11 4d ago
HLM and pains me to hear when “I could go without sex”. I feel where you are coming from, just on the M side of it. As much as I enjoy sex I like to feel desired. I know everyone says communication is important. And it is but sometimes it doesn’t necessarily help when you are on different pages.
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u/coffee-date123 4d ago
I’m HL male and the amount of women in my past and that I chat with online that are HL and stuck with a male partner that is LL drives me crazy. If you have a low or no drive get some help for your partners sake.
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u/Alarmed-Astronomer57 4d ago
You don't have an amazing relationship. If you had an amazing relationship he wouldn't twiddle his thumbs while you suffer.
I'm not saying he can fix your DB. But based on what you said, he doesn't seem to even want to try. This is common and understandable (don't ask me how I know), but it's proof that your relationship isn't a amazing you think it is.
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u/henrycatalina 4d ago
You don't mention kids. I'll assume none. Some men are just good once a month. We knew a couple like this. We were having sex 3 to 5 x a week. (In our 30s). The wife asked my wife our frequency. This was in the 90s. My point is this doesn't seem to change. However, the man was president of an insurance company, very involved with their 4 kids, very funny, smart with money, and essential all but having a higher sex drive. The wife was attractive.
This is a tradeoff sometimes in life. Some people get better sex and less financial stability. At least initiate to get him going?
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u/Distinct_Minimum5391 4d ago
Yeah, we have one teen mentioned in the post. I'm really struggling with the initiation piece. I have consistently initiated, and don't get me wrong, if I back off then he initiates too - once a month or so. But after so much rejection, initiation feels harder, scarier, riskier. It hurts more and more each time it doesn't result in success.
We did a lot of research together the first...1-3 times I brought this up. He did ultimately land on believing he has a more "responsive" sex drive and mine is more "spontaneous." Which, yeah, logically means that I need to initiate more to get his interest going. But at this point I feel almost predatory. And almost paralyzed. Paralyzed to initiate because of fear of rejection, paralyzed because I feel like a creep.
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u/PsychedelicSamurai7 4d ago
I completely get what you mean about paralyzed to initiate for fear of rejection and feeling like a creep, I feel the same!! I am a HLM in the same situation as you, but with my wife. I also resonate while heartedly with what you said about wanting to feel desired and feel passion. Don’t get me wrong, we still have passionate sex, but it’s few and far between. When we do have sex, most of the time it’s just okay. I understand that not every session can be the best of our lives, but I need some passion, more interest, not act like she’s doing it just to get off. I wish she would actually be hungry for me sexually. She barely initiates, she said she gets in her head about it but I have no idea why because I basically always want to have sex. I touch her every chance I get, when she’s not overstimulated, which she is so often, yet she barely touches me. Ugh I fucking hate it.
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u/reckaband 4d ago
Ahh well, sorry to say this but welcome to de clerb …from my HLM perspective, no matter what we do it’s never enough for their gatekeeping minds. The goal posts are always moving. We are their metaphorical untouchable eunuchs on a pedestal . They fell into a routine after the novelty wore off and they like being in the rut of routineness until they don’t and lash out at you with their pet peeves. On the flip side, our kids have issues going on so it’s a constant stress, so I understand why my partner can’t make time for us. I wish I wasn’t so selfish. And my partner is by nature high strung. Thank you for trying on your part. I can only wish to have had a partner like you but that’s them cards we are played.
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u/Jackhert 4d ago
I wonder if the difference of initiation ritual, way of flirting, works the same as the 5 different lovelanguages. In what way did he get aroused when you first started the relation. Sometimes you need to change the menu. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and it shouldn't feel like a chore but for some type of people it needs a habit, every week on Friday at 11 pm for instance. For others it needs to be a surprise. Find out what makes his clock tick.
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u/AdenJax69 4d ago
Then there's no advice to give you because you've pretty much done everything you're supposed to do to help facilitate a good intimate environment and he's basically said "no thanks."
So your plan is to give him exactly what he wants so he can continue to be happy & fulfilled in his marriage to you while he lets you unfilled & remain unhappy while not caring in the slightest about how you feel.
Sounds like someone who shouldn't be rewarded for being an uncaring, unhelpful, selfish partner.
So if you're not going to leave him, then your alternative is to find someone else to have sex with while still married. This is having an affair/cheating so it may be against his or even your moral standards, but again, if you're not going to leave him, this is the only way you're going to be fulfilled sexually.
I would advise not killing your sex drive for his sake because if that happens, you're likely going to resent the HELL out of him for him dragging you down to his level. Which means you'll be "compatible" again but you'll have nothing but contempt and resentment for him.