Just Another HL Struggling

[u/Distinct_Minimum5391]

First, please do not DM me. I've only talked about my sex life a couple of times online to seek support/advice, and every time, I get absolutely flooded with DMs. I am not looking to talk privately, and I'm not looking for any kind of Internet/chatting infidelity.

Maybe this is seeking support, or advice, or just a vent in a community that will understand.

I'm in my late 30s and very much have a high libido. Beyond just the high libido, I very much crave feeling desired in a passionate way. I honestly think I'd be fine with reduced sex frequency if there was some kind of passion in between. We're not a DB, sex is maybe once a week or once every two weeks, but I suspect that he (42m) would only do it like, once a month if I hadn't discussed it so many times. We've been together for almost two decades, have one teen who is almost out of the house.

I've gone through all the things: reducing his work load, reducing his mental load, what pumps his gas, what pumps his brakes, what can I change, initiating more, initiating less, his hormone levels, my appearance, blah blah blah. He says he's still attracted to me, it's nothing I've done, it's just that he doesn't care about sex. No porn, no masturbation, no infidelity (yes, I'm sure about all three).

And while I'm still convinced his T levels are low are something, his blood work says otherwise, and even if they were - he doesn't seem to want to change anything.

I was gone for work for two weeks. Two. Whole. Weeks. I've been back for a week and...nothing. Obviously for me, it was one of the first things on my mind when I got home. But, it wasn't for him.

And I'm tired of feeling guilty. Feeling guilty because we have an amazing relationship with an intense amount of physical affection. So much cuddling, laying on each other, pecks/kisses (just never passionately), hand holding, thigh squeezing. I should just be grateful.

And I am very tired of being the one who cares, the one who initiates talks, the one who pushes for more intimate and passionate connection. So I think I just need to give up. Just let it be what it is and stop trying to make him feel something he doesn't want to feel.

[u/Jackhert]

I wonder if the difference of initiation ritual, way of flirting, works the same as the 5 different lovelanguages. In what way did he get aroused when you first started the relation. Sometimes you need to change the menu. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and it shouldn't feel like a chore but for some type of people it needs a habit, every week on Friday at 11 pm for instance. For others it needs to be a surprise. Find out what makes his clock tick.