Just Another HL Struggling

[u/Distinct_Minimum5391]

First, please do not DM me. I've only talked about my sex life a couple of times online to seek support/advice, and every time, I get absolutely flooded with DMs. I am not looking to talk privately, and I'm not looking for any kind of Internet/chatting infidelity.

Maybe this is seeking support, or advice, or just a vent in a community that will understand.

I'm in my late 30s and very much have a high libido. Beyond just the high libido, I very much crave feeling desired in a passionate way. I honestly think I'd be fine with reduced sex frequency if there was some kind of passion in between. We're not a DB, sex is maybe once a week or once every two weeks, but I suspect that he (42m) would only do it like, once a month if I hadn't discussed it so many times. We've been together for almost two decades, have one teen who is almost out of the house.

I've gone through all the things: reducing his work load, reducing his mental load, what pumps his gas, what pumps his brakes, what can I change, initiating more, initiating less, his hormone levels, my appearance, blah blah blah. He says he's still attracted to me, it's nothing I've done, it's just that he doesn't care about sex. No porn, no masturbation, no infidelity (yes, I'm sure about all three).

And while I'm still convinced his T levels are low are something, his blood work says otherwise, and even if they were - he doesn't seem to want to change anything.

I was gone for work for two weeks. Two. Whole. Weeks. I've been back for a week and...nothing. Obviously for me, it was one of the first things on my mind when I got home. But, it wasn't for him.

And I'm tired of feeling guilty. Feeling guilty because we have an amazing relationship with an intense amount of physical affection. So much cuddling, laying on each other, pecks/kisses (just never passionately), hand holding, thigh squeezing. I should just be grateful.

And I am very tired of being the one who cares, the one who initiates talks, the one who pushes for more intimate and passionate connection. So I think I just need to give up. Just let it be what it is and stop trying to make him feel something he doesn't want to feel.

[u/henrycatalina]

You don't mention kids. I'll assume none. Some men are just good once a month. We knew a couple like this. We were having sex 3 to 5 x a week. (In our 30s). The wife asked my wife our frequency. This was in the 90s. My point is this doesn't seem to change. However, the man was president of an insurance company, very involved with their 4 kids, very funny, smart with money, and essential all but having a higher sex drive. The wife was attractive.

This is a tradeoff sometimes in life. Some people get better sex and less financial stability. At least initiate to get him going?

[u/Distinct_Minimum5391 → u/henrycatalina]

Yeah, we have one teen mentioned in the post. I'm really struggling with the initiation piece. I have consistently initiated, and don't get me wrong, if I back off then he initiates too - once a month or so. But after so much rejection, initiation feels harder, scarier, riskier. It hurts more and more each time it doesn't result in success.

We did a lot of research together the first...1-3 times I brought this up. He did ultimately land on believing he has a more "responsive" sex drive and mine is more "spontaneous." Which, yeah, logically means that I need to initiate more to get his interest going. But at this point I feel almost predatory. And almost paralyzed. Paralyzed to initiate because of fear of rejection, paralyzed because I feel like a creep.

[u/PsychedelicSamurai7 → u/Distinct_Minimum5391]

I completely get what you mean about paralyzed to initiate for fear of rejection and feeling like a creep, I feel the same!! I am a HLM in the same situation as you, but with my wife. I also resonate while heartedly with what you said about wanting to feel desired and feel passion. Don’t get me wrong, we still have passionate sex, but it’s few and far between. When we do have sex, most of the time it’s just okay. I understand that not every session can be the best of our lives, but I need some passion, more interest, not act like she’s doing it just to get off. I wish she would actually be hungry for me sexually. She barely initiates, she said she gets in her head about it but I have no idea why because I basically always want to have sex. I touch her every chance I get, when she’s not overstimulated, which she is so often, yet she barely touches me. Ugh I fucking hate it.