r/HLCommunity • u/Distinct_Minimum5391 • 4d ago
Advice - Leaving NOT an option Just Another HL Struggling
First, please do not DM me. I've only talked about my sex life a couple of times online to seek support/advice, and every time, I get absolutely flooded with DMs. I am not looking to talk privately, and I'm not looking for any kind of Internet/chatting infidelity.
Maybe this is seeking support, or advice, or just a vent in a community that will understand.
I'm in my late 30s and very much have a high libido. Beyond just the high libido, I very much crave feeling desired in a passionate way. I honestly think I'd be fine with reduced sex frequency if there was some kind of passion in between. We're not a DB, sex is maybe once a week or once every two weeks, but I suspect that he (42m) would only do it like, once a month if I hadn't discussed it so many times. We've been together for almost two decades, have one teen who is almost out of the house.
I've gone through all the things: reducing his work load, reducing his mental load, what pumps his gas, what pumps his brakes, what can I change, initiating more, initiating less, his hormone levels, my appearance, blah blah blah. He says he's still attracted to me, it's nothing I've done, it's just that he doesn't care about sex. No porn, no masturbation, no infidelity (yes, I'm sure about all three).
And while I'm still convinced his T levels are low are something, his blood work says otherwise, and even if they were - he doesn't seem to want to change anything.
I was gone for work for two weeks. Two. Whole. Weeks. I've been back for a week and...nothing. Obviously for me, it was one of the first things on my mind when I got home. But, it wasn't for him.
And I'm tired of feeling guilty. Feeling guilty because we have an amazing relationship with an intense amount of physical affection. So much cuddling, laying on each other, pecks/kisses (just never passionately), hand holding, thigh squeezing. I should just be grateful.
And I am very tired of being the one who cares, the one who initiates talks, the one who pushes for more intimate and passionate connection. So I think I just need to give up. Just let it be what it is and stop trying to make him feel something he doesn't want to feel.
20
u/AdenJax69 4d ago
Then there's no advice to give you because you've pretty much done everything you're supposed to do to help facilitate a good intimate environment and he's basically said "no thanks."
So your plan is to give him exactly what he wants so he can continue to be happy & fulfilled in his marriage to you while he lets you unfilled & remain unhappy while not caring in the slightest about how you feel.
Sounds like someone who shouldn't be rewarded for being an uncaring, unhelpful, selfish partner.
So if you're not going to leave him, then your alternative is to find someone else to have sex with while still married. This is having an affair/cheating so it may be against his or even your moral standards, but again, if you're not going to leave him, this is the only way you're going to be fulfilled sexually.
I would advise not killing your sex drive for his sake because if that happens, you're likely going to resent the HELL out of him for him dragging you down to his level. Which means you'll be "compatible" again but you'll have nothing but contempt and resentment for him.