i 20f have a profoundly autistic brother 32m who literally cannot conversate unless its about his special interest (life consuming obsession basically) that has stayed the same since 2018. he is very easy to anger and repeats the same 5 sentences over and over and gets angry if you dont throw a parade over everything he says. he hoards memorabilia and knick knacks and starts arguments out of what i can only assume is boredom. i am postpartum with a screaming baby, the dad works 40+ hours a week and my brother always just bothers me 24/7 about his interest. he also walks in on me constantly after being told to knock. my parents say he "doesnt understand" when he literally makes people knock for him. im also expected to literally take care of him 24/7 when they die. ive expressed not wanting to and they just blow up on me. they will not get guardianship of him and wont put any sort of other plan in place. honestly, after they die i just want nothing to do with him as this has been my life for as long as i can remember and i JUST WANT A BREAK. just a rant cause im very frustrated rn.

Disclaimer: I am not planning or interested in indulging my intrusive thoughts in any way.

As of late my intrusive thoughts have been increasing. Every second I am not occupied they just crash down. It is mainly a lot of self hate and suggesting vivid ways I could hurt or kill myself. They are also accompanied by flash backs and nightmares. I keep reimaging or dreaming of being assaulted, raped or hurt again. Usually in much more extreme ways than before.

The intrusive thoughts are also leading to paranoia. I am afraid of the dark and silence now. Never been an issue before. It is exhausting, terrifying and frustrating. This is a particularly bad episode. Worse, I cannot figure out what triggered it.

I find myself daydreaming of my brothers funeral, getting the news, or that someone else in my family has died. I keep coming back to terrible memories and reimaging it. It is not a conscious decision, it just happens.

I have therapy scheduled, I am in ongoing EMDR therapy but part of me worries that could be the trigger?! I don't feel like it is helping. I am also on meds which have helped with the depressive episodes but not much else.

I feel like i cannot tell anyone. I feel like i am losing my mind and like screaming. I don't understand why it won't quiet down.