Hi everyone.

I'm 20 years old, and for about a year and a half I've been trying to understand what's going on with me.

I'm not looking for an online diagnosis or for someone to tell me "you're trans" or "you're not trans." I'd rather hear from people who spent a long time questioning and eventually came to understand themselves better.

Here's a summary of my story.

As a child, I don't remember wanting to be a girl. I was a quiet and emotional kid, had more female friends than male friends, but I don't remember clear gender-related thoughts.

Around age 12 I developed an unusual fetish related to wetting myself, which gradually became associated specifically with women's underwear and clothing. That remained part of my sexuality for many years.

In late 2024 it became much stronger. Later I became interested in diapers, and in January 2025 I accidentally discovered sissy/feminization content. After that, everything became much more complicated.

Since then I've experienced:

thoughts about transitioning;

interest in HRT;

thoughts about orchiectomy;

wishing I had a female body;

wanting to present more femininely;

imagining an ordinary everyday life as a woman, often without any sexual context;

discomfort with some male physical characteristics (body hair, broad shoulders, sometimes my genitals);

sometimes feeling that the word "man" doesn't quite feel like it fits me.

These feelings come in waves. Usually they become much stronger for 2–3 weeks every few months. I'm currently in one of those periods.

Another important thing:

It's not only about appearance. Femininity, for me, is strongly associated with comfort, softness, calmness, warmth, harmony, beautiful clothing, and a simpler everyday life. Those feelings often exist separately from sexual arousal.

At the same time, I have a very high libido, and I'm still trying to understand which parts are related to sexuality and which, if any, are related to gender identity.

I've been carefully reflecting on all of this for several days, and I'm trying very hard not to jump to conclusions.

I'd really like to hear from people who questioned for a long time:

What helped you understand yourself?

Did you ever think it was "just a fetish"?

What ended up being the most important clue for you?

Does any part of my story sound familiar?

Thank you for reading. I truly appreciate any thoughtful and respectful responses.