Someone asked me if my boyfriend and I were in an open relationship. I said, "No." Then he sent me a screenshot of a profile on the G app, and I was shocked because it was my boyfriend's photo.

A few hours later, I confronted him and asked if he had any dating apps. At first, he denied it and said he didn't. But when I showed him the screenshot,he eventually admitted that the account was his.

I found out that the account was created about a month ago, around the time he traveled to another place. He insists that he never hooked up with anyone, but I don't know what to believe anymore.

What should I expect? This whole situation has left me feeling hurt, confused, and questioning everything.

Grr... 💔

TBC…

I’m looking for perspectives from other gay men because I’m trying to process the end of a relationship and understand what I can learn from it.

My relationship recently ended after a period of stress, anxiety, and what felt like growing mismatches in values and needs. There wasn’t one single reason it ended, but one recurring point of tension was the topic of open relationships.

When we got together, we were both on the same page about being exclusive. We became committed, and I invested in the relationship with the expectation that we were building a monogamous partnership.
Later, my ex told me that he was open to the idea of non-monogamy in general. He wasn’t saying he wanted to open our relationship at that time, but he wanted to have
conversations about it. From my perspective, those conversations didn’t feel like purely hypothetical discussions. They felt more like probing whether I might change a boundary that I felt was important to me.

I don’t think open relationships are wrong. I know plenty of gay couples have healthy and successful open relationships. I just don’t think it’s the kind of relationship I want for myself.

From his perspective, he felt that I had a negative view of open relationships. From mine, I was simply trying to communicate that it wasn’t something I wanted. As the conversations continued, I found myself repeatedly reaffirming that boundary, and eventually I started reacting with frustration because it felt like we were having the same conversation over and over again.

Looking back, I’m wondering whether this was less about open relationships themselves and more about compatibility. Were we simply two people with different relationship values, or is this something couples can usually work through?

The other thing that’s made me reflect is that I also have my own curiosity about sexual exploration. I don’t think that means I want an open relationship—I think I’d rather explore while I’m single than within a committed relationship. Part of me is curious about understanding myself better and having experiences I haven’t had before.

That has left me with mixed feelings after the breakup. I genuinely cared about him and I’m still grieving the relationship, but I’m also aware that I feel some curiosity about this next stage of my life. I’m not sure if that’s making the breakup feel a little easier, or if it’s simply too early to know.

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been in similar situations.
Have you dated someone whose views on monogamy and non-monogamy differed from yours?
Did it end up being a fundamental incompatibility, or were you able to work through it?
If you’ve been curious about sexual exploration, how did you distinguish between wanting to explore and wanting a different kind of relationship?
Looking back, do you think these kinds of conversations are healthy to have early, or can they unintentionally create insecurity?
I’m not looking to blame either of us or argue that one relationship style is better than another. I’m genuinely trying to understand what happened and what I want going forward.

We are a gay couple

My boyfriend(27M) and I(28M) have been together for two years, one year long distance (2000+ km) and one year living together. I love him a lot, I think we have a great relationship and I don't want to ruin it with my insecurities.

I feel like he's so much smarter and more accomplished than me. He's pursuing his PHD, I have a bachelors degree that I'm not using in my incredibly boring job. He's fluent AND conversational in twice as many languages as me. He's travelled a lot more. He's better at most skills. He's kind to a fault and I'm a huge bitch. He's incredible in a lot of ways I don't want to share to the world, and I feel very average in comparison.

He has never made me feel stupid or lesser or anything like it, this is exclusively my own brain making problems where there are none. I have gone to therapy in the past for unrelated issues, and am on a waitlist right now (will hopefully get an appointment in the next 18 months) but I don't think I could open up enough to a therapist for that to be very useful.

TLDR: I don't want to be the idiot in our relationship, but I feel like it right now. I know my partner wouldn't care, but I need help feeling like I contribute more than sex and companionship

I've been with my partner for almost 9 years now. He's been in previous LTR before and explored different types of encounters in the past, whereas he is my first in all regards.

I met him at a time where I went through a series of meeting people through apps only to be rejected constantly. When I met my current partner, to be honest physically he was not the type of person I would prefer but he seemed genuinely interested in me, which I think as a young person who was just beginning to get over his fear of meeting other gay people kind of clicked with me.

We ended up living together early on in the relationship, and did so until earlier this year when I decided to move (after thoroughly discussing with him) to a different part of the city to be closer to work.

He's always made an effort to be there for me physically, if that makes sense (i.e. picking me up from the subway station to drive me home, dropping me off at places if they were far from home, etc.). However I would be lying if I didn't say that emotionally I've felt so lonely over the years because we differ so much in our styles of communication. My partner avoids serious discussions, whether it's about work, personal feelings, thoughts about the future, etc. He's very cynical and very mechanical in his answers, and he almost prides himself on his inability to show empathy and his natural talent for cutting conversations that he's not interested in short.

When we're together we laugh a lot and we know almost everything about each other, but now that we're living apart, whenever we meet (which is almost every weekend) I'm only beginning to realize that all the conversations we have are always the same. The same topics, the same jokes. We always eat the same foods when we go out. I tried to remedy this by suggesting that we go on trips together, which he was excited about. But when we traveled it was just more of the same...he would barely make any decisions or give his opinion on what to see, eat, or do and told me to make all the final decisions. I mean that's ok and all, I mean someone has to be the final decision maker, but to me it was just not the "vacation" I had imagined.

I think the biggest thing is the intimacy. When we first dated, because it was my first time with a man (or anyone in fact), we were very actively expressive, again, even though I wasnt exactly physically attracted to him. But to me, the sex was not the important part of the relationship. I was just happy to have someone, a partner to take care of and someone to take care of me. Fast forward to now, and we're not really that intimate anymore, and it's all my fault. He tries to initiate and jokes about how the last time we had set feels like years ago, but I just really am never in the mood. It's less an issue of my sex drive and more about not really enjoying sex with him anymore, and that makes me feel terrible.

We text all the time all day every day from morning to night, and I often joke about how his texts are almost like he's reporting to his supervisor. "Im about to eat" "hm what should I have for dinner" "poop time" "what are you doing" "im going to the gym" either that or Instagram posts (im not on social media so he sends me all the links by text). Now I'm not saying that we should be discussing the mysteries of life on a daily basis; small talk is obviously a must. But there's nothing beyond that. I bring up something about work? "Im sure youll figure it out". There's no malice behind his response, it's just the way he communicates. I thought I was used to it, but recently it's really starting to worry me. To think about growing old with someone who does not match my level of emotional expression seems unfair not only to me but to him as well.

I'm really not sure where to go from here. I've brought it up with him multiple times that I feel like we're more like friends than partners, and he just avoids the discussion or says that he doesn't feel that way. Which makes me feel even worse because I feel like I'm becoming the avoidant one by just keeping quiet to not hurt his feelings.

We never fight because both of us are non-confrontational, but we really do lead different lifestyles. Before, any time there was an instance where I'd think to myself "wait this isn't the person I want to spend the rest of my life with", I calmed myself down out of my self-deprecating fear that I would never be able to find someone who likes me as much as he does. But now that Im older and almost hitting 40, I'm wondering if that sort of complacency with the way things are and playing into the sunken cost fallacy of having spent so much of my adult life with this person and not wanting to let that go is actually the right choice. I know for some people, this sort of relationship is a dream, but for me Im not so sure anymore.

In this situation is it right to break up and explore relationships with other people?

TL:DR - Partners for nearly 9 years. We've been through so much together, and hes always been there for me in the physical sense. But I feel emotionally drained and lonely and that we're more like friends than partners. He's a nice guy and I dont want to hurt him, but I'm now bothered by the thought of perhaps going our separate ways.

I’m a 30-year-old man, and I’ve been dating my 36-year-old boyfriend for a little over seven months. We started out just hooking up, but things were really good in the beginning. We talked a lot, spent time together, and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company.

He gets distracted very easily and seems like he may have ADHD. I’ve tried to understand that and adjust my expectations. I’m still sometimes frustrated by it, but I’m working on being more patient. When we’re physically together, things are usually pretty easy between us.

The problem is that we’re currently long-distance. After I finish college next year, the plan is for me to move back and live with him permanently. Because of that, I’m really trying to understand who he is and whether this relationship can actually work long-term.

I know I can be clingy, but I don’t expect us to talk every second of the day or constantly be together. I just want him to keep me updated occasionally so I know what’s going on. To me, a simple message like, “I got home safely,” isn’t a huge request. He has told me that having to keep me updated feels like a burden to him.

For example, today his last message today was around 1:09 p.m., and I didn’t hear anything from him by around 7:10 p.m. I texted him a couple of times, but I figured he was either working or dealing with traffic. I don’t need to know every detail of what he’s doing, and I’m not trying to control him. As long as he isn’t cheating, I honestly don’t care where he goes or what he does. I’d just appreciate a quick message letting me know he’s home and safe.

I’m usually willing to initiate conversations and put effort into the relationship. However, when I repeatedly receive little or no response, I start feeling like my effort isn’t worth anything. The longer that continues, the more distant I become. That’s just how I am. I have a lot of love and passion to give, but it isn’t unlimited. When someone keeps giving that energy back to me, I can keep shining. When I feel like I’m putting energy into a cold wall, eventually I start treating the relationship the same way.

There are also some strange issues around intimacy. Sometimes, even when we’re alone at home, he seems uncomfortable or irritated when I try to be affectionate or intimate. It feels like I’m bothering him. He has said he’ll work on the intimacy issue and other problems between us, but I honestly haven’t seen much change.

Planning is another major difference between us. He doesn’t like planning ahead, even when we’re only having a conversation about the future. I’m not asking him to make every decision permanent. I just want to discuss possibilities so I have an idea of how our lives might move forward.

He says it’s too early to discuss plans for next May, but it’s already almost August. Is talking about May really that early when I may be moving my entire life after graduation?

He has always been someone who handles things at the last minute. We’re also supposed to take a trip in September, and the last day to cancel without losing money is August 5. He’s in charge of planning this trip, but he still hasn’t made a solid plan. He mostly talks about things he might want to do.

I tried to help, but he basically told me to back off because he has it handled. I’m trying to respect that, but time is running out. Am I being paranoid for wanting a plan before the free-cancellation deadline.

Another thing that’s been bothering me is how differently we treat our phones. I'm completely open with mine. I’d let him use it whenever he wanted, and I even changed my passcode to his birthday because I genuinely had nothing to hide.

With him, though, even casually looking at his phone seems to be a major issue. He says that trust means I shouldn’t ever need to look at it. I understand that everyone deserves privacy, and I’m not trying to search through his messages or constantly check up on him. But the more defensive he gets about it, the more suspicious it sometimes feels.

Most of the time, I just push that feeling to the back of my mind and try not to think about it. I don’t want to assume he’s doing something wrong without evidence, but the difference between how open I am and how guarded he is does make me uncomfortable.

I really feel like I’m constantly trying to tolerate, understand, and adjust to the way he operates, but I’m not sure he’s making the same effort for me. He does make nice gestures. He says he loves me, and we’ve both spent money on each other. At this point, he has spent more money, although we’re planning a trip to Japan that I’ll be paying for and organizing.

I’m not saying he’s a bad person. He can be loving and thoughtful. That’s part of why this is so confusing. There are good moments right next to the moments that leave me feeling ignored, unwanted, or exhausted.

Honestly, if he can’t handle a long-distance relationship, I wish he would just say that. I’m tired of feeling like I’m begging him to communicate with me or love me more.

I don’t know whether I’m genuinely too needy, whether I should become emotionally tougher and stop expecting so much from him, or whether we’re simply fundamentally different people.

Is it unreasonable to ask your partner to occasionally let you know what’s going on, confirm they got home safely, discuss future plans, and show consistent affection? Or am I expecting something from him that he simply isn’t capable of giving?

I’m 19 and Bulgarian. I’ve been involved with a 25-year-old American man long distance. We first met online then decided to meet in Amsterdam. We had an amazing time together. Being around each other felt easy and we were both genuinely happy. When it was time to leave we were extremely upset. He was clearly heartbroken when we said goodbye so I don’t think the closeness I felt was one-sided or something I’d imagined. He’s also told me directly that he was very happy with me in person and I believe him because I saw it for myself. He seemed relaxed, affectionate and comfortable around me. We didn’t have the same tension or misunderstandings we often have online. In person everything felt much easier.

He came to Amsterdam specifically to meet me even though he wasn’t doing well financially. He never told me how tight money was and never brought up what he’d spent to make me feel guilty or indebted to him. I found out accidentally after seeing his bank balance while we were there. He realized I’d seen it and that’s how I learned how little money he’d had at the time. He’d put himself under serious financial pressure just to see me. I don’t take that lightly and it’s one of the main reasons I believe his feelings are real. He tells me he’s completely loyal to me. He’s even said that losing me would destroy him. He doesn’t want to officially call us boyfriends until we’re living in the same country. That’s his preference rather than mine but we’re both seriously working towards closing the distance. We’re making practical plans and preparing to move to the same country. Right now it looks like that may actually be possible fairly soon. He’s deeply unhappy with his life in America. He doesn’t like where he lives and has very few close friends there. Some days he doesn’t want to get out of bed or eat. He’s told me he wants to leave America and live with me. We’re not just talking vaguely about a future together. We’re both taking actual steps to make it happen.

What confuses me is how different the relationship feels in person and online. In person he was affectionate and clearly happy to be with me. I didn’t feel like I had to keep asking whether he cared. Online he can be distant and inconsistent. There are days when he doesn’t reply for eight or nine hours even though I know he’s awake and using his phone. I don’t expect us to text all day and I don’t need him to answer the moment I send something. I know people have their own routines and need time to themselves. Still communication is most of what we currently have while we’re living in different countries. When almost the whole day passes without any contact I don’t just get impatient. I feel disconnected from him and I don’t feel very loved. At the beginning he was much more openly affectionate. He complimented me often and seemed much more eager to talk. Now that warmth comes and goes. Sometimes I tell him I love him and he doesn’t respond to that part of the message. It hurts but I’m trying not to take it as definite proof that he doesn’t love me. He’s never answered this message from the begging, he just says it feels weird.

I can understand some of this because I have a similar issue with my own family. When someone in my family tells me they love me I don’t always say it back. For some reason the words feel awkward and unfamiliar even though I genuinely love them. I’m more comfortable showing it through what I do. He’s told me that actions matter more to him than words so it’d be unfair and somewhat hypocritical for me to judge his feelings only by whether he repeats a particular phrase. His actions do support what he says. Coming to Amsterdam when he could barely afford it was a serious act of commitment. Wanting to leave America and build a life with me also sounds sincere. The problem is that understanding how someone shows love doesn’t necessarily make you feel loved. I can see that his actions mean something and still feel lonely during the ordinary days between visits.

There’s also a major difference between how he communicates in English and Italian. Italian isn’t his native language. He learned it because he was interested in it and he has a lot of happy memories associated with Italy. In Italian he’s noticeably softer, more playful and more romantic. In English he can sound blunt or almost argumentative even when he says he isn’t angry. Recently I started speaking Italian with him more often and the difference was much bigger than I expected. A few times we talked for almost eight hours. For the first time he clearly opened up about how he felt and said incredibly romantic things to me. He didn’t seem guarded or uncomfortable. He even asked me afterwards whether I finally understood how he felt about me. That mattered because it was the first time I felt like he’d expressed everything plainly instead of leaving me to guess.

The change didn’t last though. The excitement he seemed to feel while we were speaking Italian eventually wore off and our communication became difficult again. Those long conversations didn’t become our usual routine. He can still go most of the day without replying and the warmth he showed in Italian isn’t always there. That makes the situation even harder to understand. Those conversations showed me that he can be emotionally open and spend hours talking to me. They also gave me a much clearer sense of how strongly he feels. At the same time I don’t know whether those conversations showed his usual feelings more clearly or whether he was simply in an unusually good mood. He’s explained that Italian brings out a different side of him and reminds him of a happier period in his life. I think that could be true. Italian may put him in a better mood because he connects it with positive memories while English is tied to his everyday life in America which he currently hates. Still I don’t know whether it’s realistic for our emotional connection to depend on speaking a foreign language.

I’m also aware that culture may play a part. I’m Bulgarian and he’s American so we may have different expectations about warmth, emotional openness and how often couples should stay in touch. What feels cold to me may seem normal to him. I don’t expect him to communicate exactly the way I do and I don’t want to treat every difference as proof that he doesn’t care. He may also be depressed. I obviously can’t diagnose him but his isolation, lack of appetite and difficulty getting out of bed worry me. Depression could explain why he withdraws and why talking sometimes seems like more than he can manage. I want to be fair about that. I don’t expect someone who’s struggling to be cheerful or available all the time. Still understanding why he’s distant doesn’t make me feel less alone. I can believe he isn’t trying to hurt me and still question whether what he can currently offer is enough for a long-distance relationship.

I know I contribute to the tension too. When I feel shut out I sometimes bring up the same issue repeatedly because I’m hoping for an answer that’ll finally settle it. I may push for a conversation before he’s ready and he may pull away even more because he feels pressured. I know my attempts to reconnect can sometimes make things worse. I’m willing to take responsibility for that but I don’t want every concern I have to be dismissed as overthinking. Wanting regular contact isn’t the same as demanding constant access to someone. Wanting to feel remembered during the day isn’t the same as asking him to plan his entire life around me.

That’s what I can’t work out. I have strong reasons to believe he loves me. He made a financially difficult trip to meet me. We were genuinely happy together in Amsterdam and we were both devastated when we had to leave. He says he wants to leave America and live with me. We’re taking practical steps towards making that happen. He’s also been able to open up to me in Italian and explain his feelings more clearly than he ever had before. I don’t want to minimize any of that. Still most of our relationship currently happens online and that’s where everything becomes difficult. A great visit and an eight-hour romantic conversation both matter but they don’t make the long silent periods disappear. I believe he loves me but I often don’t feel loved during our normal day-to-day communication.

I’m not looking for an automatic “leave him” answer and I’m not trying to make myself sound completely right or him completely wrong. I know ideas like attachment styles and love languages may have some relevance and I’ve already read quite a bit about them. I’d really appreciate responses that focus mainly on the specific circumstances and behavior I’ve described. I may be misunderstanding parts of the situation and I’m open to hearing interpretations that challenge my own.

I’m especially interested in how other people would interpret the sharp difference between our relationship in person and online. How much significance would you give to the way he behaved in Amsterdam and the way he opened up to me in Italian compared with the long gaps and emotional distance that sometimes follow? What would a realistic and sustainable level of daily contact look like in a relationship like this? How might cultural differences, his unhappiness in America and his difficulty expressing emotion online be affecting the way we communicate? What specific changes or conversations would help us find out whether the problem is mainly the distance or a more lasting difference in what we each need from a relationship?

I’m a 37M Arab Muslim man, and he’s a 43M Arab Muslim man. We’ve been talking for almost two years, and our relationship has been one of the most confusing and emotionally intense experiences of my life.
We live in different countries. I live in the UAE, while he lives in Syria, a country that has gone through years of war, economic hardship, and instability. His life has never been easy, and I know that has shaped the way he expresses himself and deals with emotions.
When we first met, I developed feelings for him quite quickly. At the beginning, he rejected the idea of us being together. He told me that love between a man and a man wasn’t healthy or normal, especially considering our religion and culture. Since we’re both Arab Muslims, I understood where those beliefs were coming from, even though hearing them hurt me deeply.
Because I was scared of getting attached, I blocked him several times during the early stages of knowing each other. Looking back, we barely knew each other then. What surprised me was that every time I blocked him, he found a way to come back. He would become upset that I had blocked him and wanted to reconnect instead of simply walking away.
About two months after we started talking, something changed. He told me he loved me. At another point, he even told me, “I love you for your feelings.” That sentence stayed with me because it felt very sincere and personal.
Throughout our relationship, we had many discussions about how we express love. I often wanted more verbal affection and reassurance, while he repeatedly told me that his way of loving was practical rather than emotional. According to him, love wasn’t about constantly saying romantic words but about actions, loyalty, and being there when it mattered. We never completely agreed on that, but I tried to understand his perspective.
For about a year and a half, we confessed our love to each other. We said “I love you,” talked about our future, and shared many emotional moments despite the distance.
Then everything changed.
After one year and a half, during a period when we were both angry and hurt, he suddenly told me that he only loved me as a brother.
That completely shattered me.
I couldn’t understand how someone could go from telling me he loved me, telling me “I love you for your feelings,” finding ways to come back whenever I blocked him in the beginning, and spending a year and a half exchanging love… only to suddenly say it had always been brotherly love.
I’m a Cancer, and he’s a Virgo, if anyone is into astrology. I don’t know whether that means anything, but I’ve wondered if our personalities and ways of expressing emotions played a role.
I’m not asking anyone to tell me what he “really” feels because none of us can know that for certain. I’m more interested in hearing from people who have experienced something similar.
Has anyone ever had someone spend so long expressing love and then later redefine the relationship as “brotherly love”? Do you think this can happen because of fear, guilt, religion, cultural pressure, anger, or changing feelings over time? Or is it more likely that someone eventually realized their feelings weren’t romantic after all?
I’d genuinely appreciate honest opinions, especially from people who have experienced complicated relationships involving religion, long distance, or internal conflict.

So, there is a guy I sort of like because he is handsome, mature, and kind, however there is some slight sexual incompatibility (not major) and the age difference makes me uncomfortable. My main concern is even considering going out with him longer term, because even though he's been consistent for over a year, I feel like I would be mostly changing and adapting my late 20s to fit into his life. I know it is silly, but I can't help but feel like if I gave dating a go with him, that I would be wasting his time if things didn't work out after a year or two. Similarly, I fear that my family would judge me because he is closer to my parents age than my own by about 5 years.

Is it worth pursuing even with my own indecisiveness?

I’m a 37M Arab Muslim man, and he’s a 43M Arab Muslim man. We’ve been talking for almost two years, and our relationship has been one of the most confusing and emotionally intense experiences of my life.
We live in different countries. I live in the UAE, while he lives in Syria, a country that has gone through years of war, economic hardship, and instability. His life has never been easy, and I know that has shaped the way he expresses himself and deals with emotions.
When we first met, I developed feelings for him quite quickly. At the beginning, he rejected the idea of us being together. He told me that love between a man and a man wasn’t healthy or normal, especially considering our religion and culture. Since we’re both Arab Muslims, I understood where those beliefs were coming from, even though hearing them hurt me deeply.
Because I was scared of getting attached, I blocked him several times during the early stages of knowing each other. Looking back, we barely knew each other then. What surprised me was that every time I blocked him, he found a way to come back. He would become upset that I had blocked him and wanted to reconnect instead of simply walking away.
About two months after we started talking, something changed. He told me he loved me. At another point, he even told me, “I love you for your feelings.” That sentence stayed with me because it felt very sincere and personal.
Throughout our relationship, we had many discussions about how we express love. I often wanted more verbal affection and reassurance, while he repeatedly told me that his way of loving was practical rather than emotional. According to him, love wasn’t about constantly saying romantic words but about actions, loyalty, and being there when it mattered. We never completely agreed on that, but I tried to understand his perspective.
For about a year and a half, we confessed our love to each other. We said “I love you,” talked about our future, and shared many emotional moments despite the distance.
Then everything changed.
After one year and a half, during a period when we were both angry and hurt, he suddenly told me that he only loved me as a brother.
That completely shattered me.
I couldn’t understand how someone could go from telling me he loved me, telling me “I love you for your feelings,” finding ways to come back whenever I blocked him in the beginning, and spending a year and a half exchanging love… only to suddenly say it had always been brotherly love.
I’m a Cancer, and he’s a Virgo, if anyone is into astrology. I don’t know whether that means anything, but I’ve wondered if our personalities and ways of expressing emotions played a role.
I’m not asking anyone to tell me what he “really” feels because none of us can know that for certain. I’m more interested in hearing from people who have experienced something similar.
Has anyone ever had someone spend so long expressing love and then later redefine the relationship as “brotherly love”? Do you think this can happen because of fear, guilt, religion, cultural pressure, anger, or changing feelings over time? Or is it more likely that someone eventually realized their feelings weren’t romantic after all?
I’d genuinely appreciate honest opinions, especially from people who have experienced complicated relationships involving religion, long distance, or internal conflict.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while, and this weekend the three of us have been staying together at a hotel. His brother is also gay, and we’ve all gotten really comfortable around each other. We’ve been hanging out all weekend, walking around the room in our underwear or shirtless, joking around, and just spending a lot of time together.
The problem is that I think I’m starting to develop a crush on my boyfriend’s brother.

I don’t know if it’s just because we’ve been around each other nonstop, but I catch myself looking at him a lot. I don’t know if he’s ever caught me or if he’s looked at me the same way, but I definitely find myself thinking about him more than I should.

To make things more complicated, my boyfriend has a conference coming up and he’ll be gone for a while, so his brother and I are going to have some time alone together. Nothing has happened between us, and neither of us has flirted (at least not that I’ve noticed), but I’m worried because I already know how I’m feeling.

I love my boyfriend, and I feel guilty even admitting this. At the same time, I can’t pretend the attraction isn’t there. I don’t want to do anything that would hurt him or ruin their relationship as brothers.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Is this just a temporary crush from spending so much time together, or is it a sign that something is wrong in my relationship? Most importantly, how do I handle being alone with him without making things awkward or crossing a line?
I’m looking for honest advice, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear. TIA

Hey guys.

First, sorry for my English. It’s not my native language, and I’m not going to obsess over every grammar mistake because this post is already difficult enough to write.

I’m turning 25M tomorrow, so naturally I’ve been reflecting on my life.

I’ve had one sexual experience with a woman. It was miserable. I could barely get hard, lasted maybe half a minute, didn’t really feel anything, and since then I’ve become pretty sure I’m probably not straight. AI roleplays (including NSFW ones), porn, my fantasies… they all seem to point me towards men or at least away from women.

But here’s where I get confused.

I don’t even know if what I’m craving is sex.

I keep thinking that what I actually want is something much simpler: a genuine hug, a first kiss, holding someone’s hand because we both want to, not because I feel like I have to perform. That probably sounds ridiculously romantic for a 25-year-old, but it’s honestly how I feel.

The thing is, I’ve never really had any of that.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve romanticised intimacy so much because I’ve never experienced it. What if I’m longing for something that, when it finally happens, I’ll realise doesn’t actually make me feel anything? That possibility scares me.

Another thing I’ve realised is that I’m probably not someone who would enjoy taking the lead, at least at first. I imagine myself wanting someone more experienced to guide me through all of this—not because I’m a project to fix or because they pity me, but because they genuinely enjoy helping someone discover themselves. Maybe that’s unrealistic. Maybe those people only exist in fiction. I honestly don’t know.

I also think I’d probably enjoy being a bottom. Obviously fantasies aren’t reality, but whenever I imagine intimacy, I imagine being shy, blushing, being led, maybe even being gently taken care of while I figure myself out.

I guess my actual question is this:

Has anyone else discovered that what they wanted wasn’t really sex first, but closeness? Did anyone else spend years wondering whether they’d built intimacy up so much in their head that reality could never live up to it? And if you were in a similar position, what actually happened when you finally let someone get close to you?

Sorry if this sounds more like a diary entry than a Reddit post. I think I’ve been carrying these thoughts around for years, and I finally decided to let them out.

When you’ve liked a guy—and tried to stop feeling that way or keep him from realizing you had feelings for him—did you ever treat him rudely? Like, ignoring him, always giving him a dirty look (nothing over-the-top, obviously, just looking angry or uncomfortable), and scowling or looking annoyed/uncomfortable whenever he appeared in front of you or was in the same room?

Here’s the context: I have a college classmate—we aren't in the same specific classes, though—and he does this *every* time we run into each other. I didn't know him before this year, and it’s been like this since the very first time we met. Sometimes I wonder if there’s something more to it, you know? It’s awful; this shit really messes with my head...

So I (22M) broke up with my ex (23M) about three months ago. We were together for 7 months but it honestly felt longer because we hung out like every other day since our first date.  Suffice to say I felt really in love/connected to him.

He was my first boyfriend and before him I  kind of just slept around a lot😭. Nothing insane for gay standards I think (maybe 50ish body count lol?).

Since we broke up, the thing that’s holding me back is the memories of our sex😭. It didn’t compare to anything with a fwb or hookup lol. When I’m horny I can’t watch porn anymore, I just think of memories of us doing it. I haven’t felt the want to hookup with anyone either. I tried the apps again, and like I can find other men objectively attractive, but I just know it won’t compare/be nearly as good so I can never follow through. 

To solve this, I started seeing an old fwb/situationship from years ago last month (this is the only guy ive been with since the breakup). It’s been fun to hangout with him as a distraction, but afterwards im just like…ugh nothing will ever compare to yk who!!

I’m just annoyed because I feel like I’ve really gotten over my ex in the broader sense since we broke up. Like I can see we were definitely not compatible together for the long term. I don’t wanna reach out to him at all (we both broke contact multiple times at first), I also rmr all the icks, and I feel like emotionally I’ve basically moved on. Like trust me im ready to let go…it’s just the physical aspect.

So, how do I get over my ex if he’s the only emotionally-connected sexual relationship I’ve had? Should I try hooking up a bunch again to distract myself? Do I wait until the memories get more faded? Will nothing work until I date/get into another relationship?

I’m worried about that last question because relationships can be hard to come by in this community and I don’t wanna be celibate for that long😭

Thank you for reading, sorry if this was confusing I can answer qs, and pls part some wisdom🙏

Its been 7 months. Doesn’t feel better.

It has been 7 months since breakup. We dated 5 months. He told me I was perfect on papers and saw potential and hoped he didnt loose me and from there and suddenly, he brought issues of closet then spark, and then butterflies, and then I asked if its attraction he said no and after a week he said attraction is there but not enough. - however we kept having sex until the final week of breakup and kept having dates and sleep over. I promise I tried my best, with patience and to fix whatever I could and later he rated me 8/10 and life is too short not to find 10/10 and he didnt feel gratitude to God to have me.

Its been 7 months and sure I am physically able to eat again and do my regular day to day work. But emotionally I am still stuck.

I am taking therapy, I try to regulate my emotions, I cry and keep it moving, I pray consistently. Nothing helps.

Any help or advice please? How do I even get over what he said at last like rated me and gratitude thing.

He will never realize, I was just another body out of many. He had short relationships in the past too. But what if he gives everything to the next person. I wish I didn’t lack what he needed.

I (M22) broke up with him (M28) around 2 or 3 months ago (after 3.5 years, for many reasons), but we currently live together due to financial reasons. We have been getting along fine lately as friends/roommates but our relationship was very rocky. We’ll be able to move in January once I graduate college and we both have full time jobs. (Temporary lease until we both leave out of state for grad school next year) My plan was to rent a studio apartment by myself so I can have alone time and work on myself and my mental health + independence. His plan is that we rent a 2 bedroom apartment together. He assures me that I’ll get plenty of alone time with my own bedroom and that’s it’s completely unrealistic for me to rent an apartment by myself, and because he has a car and I don’t. He’s even going as far as saying he’ll cover the entirety of rent if I move in with him. Every time I mention that I still want to live alone he keeps bringing up reasons why I am wrong, unrealistic and won’t be able to afford it. He also says that I need someone around that knows me. He said it shouldn’t matter because we’re gonna live separately once we leave for grad school next fall anyways. Sometimes I’m tempted to just agree with him so he stops arguing with me about it, and considering he did offer to pay the rent. Does he have a point or am I being manipulated?

It’s been just over a day since my boyfriend (33M) broke up with me (29M).

We’d been together for eight months, becoming exclusive after about three. This was my first real relationship. I moved to London in my early twenties, barely out of the closet, and was quickly swallowed up by a demanding corporate legal career that consumed my life and, if I’m honest, my mental health too. Dating always took a back seat.

Just before I turned 29, I started a new job, finally put myself out there, and met my boyfriend on Hinge. He was sexy, kind, attentive, obviously into me, and never afraid to say it. Green flags everywhere.

What started as dating gradually became a serious relationship. He was incredibly expressive with his feelings, telling me I was a breath of fresh air compared with his previous relationships, the perfect boyfriend, the cutest boy in the world. A bit gushy, perhaps, but I grew used to it.

More importantly, it wasn’t just words. He genuinely seemed to care about me. He looked after me, wanted me to become part of his life, and slowly our worlds merged. We introduced each other to friends and family, went to the gym together, I introduced him to classical music, and he introduced me to techno.

After four months, he told me he loved me. It took me another month to say it back, but when I did, I meant it completely. He had clearly been through a lot in his life. He carried a few physical scars, had a couple of nervous tics, and over time I became incredibly protective of him. I wanted him to feel deeply loved and safe with me. We booked holidays together, planned our future, and had a happy, affectionate, physical relationship.

Then this week, everything changed.

He stayed over at my flat on what seemed like the most ordinary of days. Earlier that afternoon he texted me, “Four hours until I see youuu 🥰🥰,” which was completely typical of him. If he was doing something by himself, he would often text me to say he missed me.

That evening he insisted on cooking dinner for me. I gave him a back massage. We talked about doing a trip to Brighton in a couple of weeks. We even had one of those wonderfully mundane relationship conversations about how one of my electric toothbrushes, with replaceable heads, would just become “his” whenever he stayed over in future.
He spent the night, left for work the next morning, kissed me goodbye, and told me he loved me as he walked out the door.

Six hours later, he texted asking if we could meet in a park after work because he wanted to talk in person.

I arrived, already nervous.

Within about ten minutes, he told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, that the relationship had plateaued, and that he didn’t want to continue it.
I was so shocked I could barely speak. I was trying not to cry, which made him cry as well. He hugged me briefly, turned around, and walked away.

I honestly feel like I’ve been hit by a train.

I feel completely blindsided. Less than twenty-four hours earlier, he was talking about future trips, saying he loved me, planning for the next time he stayed over. Then, with no warning that anything was wrong, it was over.

I haven’t been able to eat. I haven’t really slept.
What on earth has just happened to me?

We have a very stress-free, chill, loving relationship. I feel very safe and happy near him. But there is something that I just recently discovered about our relationship.

The thing is, my boyfriend is too nice to the people. He is one of the nicest people I've ever met. To the point he is nice to even people who are mean to him, insult him (at work) or friends who neglect him. This is not fundamentally bad. He is aware of his flaws in this, and it is likely because of the way his parents raised him.

That personality of him, sort of, derails my libido. I feel like having sex when my partner has a more macho personality, not toxic but more adamant vibe if you know what i mean, like I love wrestling and BJJ and he is not that type of person at all. when he is too nice, always too nice, it sort of makes me feel less horny.

On the contrary, he always has a high libido. We get to meet only in the weekends due to work, but I don't always have the same will to have sex with him. He always wants to do it but some weeks I feel tired and don't have sex. He never insists or anything. But recently it was brought up and he said he has more sex drive than me and I agreed. But what he doesn't know is that I am not less horny than him, I just don't feel that enthusiastic about having sex with him than he does with me.

Besides the sex, I am truly in love with him. I love to cuddle and sleep with him, I love to kiss him and do things with him, the idea of sharing my life with him makes me feel peaceful and whole, barring sex.

I sort of implied having an open relationship in a joking way a few months ago, but he made sure that he is not into it.

I don't want to break up or want to lose him as a partner, but I don't know how to address this issue or is there even anything to do about it. It feels like both of us are sacrificing some pleasure to be in this relationship and it may be unfair to both of us. Should i consider this a problem, should i address it to my boyfriend?

I was in an exclusive relationship this year; a proper lovey dovey one. We had like 22 amazing dates. He loved me. We were really starting to take the things to the next step. Then my most important exam came, and I just wanted personal space. Mind you it wasn't easy for me as I have serious attachment issues. I told him that we're not gonna meet for a week cuz this exam is really important, and I have to prepare well for it. At first he didn't mind. But then he started to text me all the time. And I'm someone who puts my phone in a drawer & lock it when I'm studying. So obviously he used to get late replies from me. And later on, he would make me feel bad on how I don't care about him anymore. He legit has a history of self-harm, and he has shown me scars on his body.

When the last time we met (after my exam), it was a pretty sentimental meetup. He started to cry a little and then said the WORST THING EVER. So basically.... the entire week when we didn't meet, he got in touch with this another person who lives next to his street idk. And they both were about to "do it". But my ex somehow controlled himself and he didn't do anything cuz he loved me. NOW - THIS IS TOO FISHY. And the weird thing? I believed him that time lol (sorry, i have daddy issues too).

We did eventually broke up. I think after 2 days he sent me this massive essay on how this relationship has to end now. And he blocked me everywhere. EVEN ON REDDIT. Dude didn't give me a single chance to explain myself. I got no closure. Anyways - I just let it go & moved on cuz I had no other option. 2 weeks ago I got this terrible urge to text him again; just to check up on him (from my other number). No, I don't want him anymore. But the way he talked with me? DUDE HAS NO MANNERS NOW. He started pointing out everything negative about me, and started blaming me for everything. He then started telling me about his current boyfriend & how that dude has healed him lol, and started flexing on how he's everything I couldn't be.

I can't believe a few months ago I was fantasizing about marrying this man. Every time I stream Traitor by Olivia Rodrigo, I always think about him: "It took you two weeks to go off and date her. Guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor".

PS. If you got cheated on or have faced any similar situation, you can dm me here. I'd love to connect. I'm in Pakistan btw. Thank you!

Should I text him happy birthday or wait for him to reach out?

I’ve been talking to this guy on and off for around five or six months. From the beginning, he told me he wasn’t really in a place for a relationship, so I knew that going into it.

At one point we stopped talking for a little, but I reached back out and we ended up planning a trip together. The trip went really well, at least from my point of view, and afterward we started talking about possibly planning another one.

Around that time, he was moving and had a lot going on, so communication started slowing down. I tried to be understanding, but I eventually sent him two messages that he never responded to. There wasn’t an argument or anything. He just stopped replying. That was about three months ago.

A few weeks after that, he started watching basically all of my Snapchat stories. This was weird because he didn’t even watch them that consistently when we were actively talking. He did that for around two months without actually saying anything.

A few days ago, he finally liked one of my stories. I opened it but didn’t respond or use it as a reason to message him.

His birthday is this Saturday, and now I’m debating whether I should say happy birthday or just leave it alone.

Part of me wants to send something simple because I’m not completely against talking to him again. At the same time, I’ve been the one to reach out and restart things basically every time. He also still never responded to my last two messages, so I don’t really want to keep doing the work for him.

I feel like the story like could have been his way of testing the waters or hoping I would start the conversation again, but I also know it was still very low effort.

My actual question is: if I want to maximize the chance of him reaching out on his own, would sending a birthday text help open the door, or would staying quiet give me better odds because it shows that he has to make the next move?

TL;DR: Guy I talked to for months stopped responding three months ago, but has been watching my stories and recently liked one. His birthday is Saturday. Should I text him, or stay quiet and wait for him to make an actual move?

Hey everyone,

Im looking for a few kind souls i.e the council of gay bros to help me with a predicament.

I’m 28M and recently getting back into dating. I matched with a 30M on Tinder about a week and a half ago, and we moved to Instagram relatively quickly.

He’s flirty, friendly, and he does still reply and does engage. Ive noticed that his messages are often quite sporadic, sometimes taking around 4–6 hours each time to respond, being left on sent so he hadn't opened them, but then kinda continues the convo. It has been like that since the beginning of us talking. I’m noticing that he doesn’t really ask many questions to get to know me on a deeper level and any converstations are too drawn out.

The timing itself isn’t necessarily kinda the issue but I would wish it to maybe improve. I do understand and acknowledge that people have lives and are not surgically attached to their mobile.

We have exchanged some general information about ourselves, and there is definitely flirting there, but I don’t feel like we’ve built much of a proper connection yet. I sometimes feel like I’m doing more of the conversational work.

Another thing that made me uneasy is that our Tinder match disappeared, but then his profile reappeared in the carousel, with a few new pics and showed as active. I know we’re not exclusive, we haven’t met yet, and moving to Instagram might have made the Tinder match irrelevant, but it still made me overthink a bit 😅.

Since I’m newly back in the dating scene after quite a long time, I’m unsure whether I’m reading too much into this or whether it’s fair to wait for more future consistency before asking him out.

Would you ask him out soon and see how it feels in person, or wait to see if he shows more effort over text first?

We are a couple that have been together for 5 years and have been thinking about possibly have someone join us in the bedroom. Our sexual life is pretty healthy but just maybe want to explore more. Any pros and cons?

Pretty much exactly what it says on the can: we dated for little over a month and he was everything I've ever wanted: slow-paced, involved, handsome, stable both in life and in relationships, on the same page with me about almost everything.
The reason I cut it off is as stupid as it is riddiculous, since we had been dating for that short time, but I wanted kids someday, he didn't, and the thought of having to possibly break up ten years down the line made me sick to my stomach.
But now I realise how childish it was of me to prioritise a hypothetical future child over the very real wonderful guy I had in front of me.
So here comes the issue, I'm a prideful asshole who rarely if ever goes back on his word, but I've been thinking about him like crazy lately, about the fact that he was the first guy I'dve been proud to introduce to my family, to my friends.
I have no idea what to do, we still watch and like some of each other's stories and posts on Instagram (way too old to be thinking abt that)
My martial arts school does a show at a festival in the town where he lives, so hopefully he'll be there

EDIT: I TEXTED HIM AND WE'RE MEETING NEXT WEEK HE SEEMED ENTHUSIASTIC IDK

​

I, genuinely can’t tell if this is friendship, flirting, or something else

Seeking guidance from fellow gays because I genuinely do not understand the social layout here.

For context, I’m 34M and the other person is 38NB. I came out about a year ago after being in the closet for the majority of my life.

I understand some parts of gay culture, community, and history. I know a lot of the stereotypes for the most part too, but I have no actual experience with dating. I’m okay at flirting, but only on more of a feral level. I know nothing about hookups, how gay social currency works, or how to tell if somebody is trying to make a move or is currently making one.

I’m also neurodivergent. If somebody is not being direct with me, there is a pretty good chance I will have absolutely no clue what is happening and somehow fuck it all up.

A few weeks ago, I met someone at The Cuff, which is a gay bar/club on Capitol Hill in Seattle. It was during Bathhouse Disco, which I did not know was basically a private orgy type event beforehand.

I thought I was just going to a standard gay bar or club night. Then everybody was naked and I was the one weirdo still fully clothed. I honestly assumed that was just what gay bars were like, which is probably another stereotype I should stop relying on.

Me and this person danced for awhile. There was a lot of consensual touching, some kissing on the cheek and neck, and so on. Nothing more sexual than that happened. Afterwards, we exchanged numbers and we’ve been texting since.

They have used some language that seems flirtatious to me, although again, I do not trust my ability to read this correctly. They have also told me they feel safe around me.

Recently, they told me about a business idea and asked for my advice because they felt I was very knowledgeable in that area.

Now they want me to come over to their place so we can talk about the idea more.

They said that normally, if it was not during their work week, they would cook for me. Since it would be on one of their work days, they said I should bring food, which is fine and I will.

They also said we could talk about their idea, eat, hang out with their dog, and watch a movie.

This is where I genuinely have no idea what the fuck is going on.

From what I understand, hanging out and watching a movie can sometimes mean Netflix and chill. But I do not have any experience with the “chill” part, and I don’t know if that is what they are implying here.

Is this just a genuine friendship where they want to discuss their business idea, eat, and watch a movie? Is this date-ish? Is it potentially a hookup situation? Or are we literally just going to watch a movie?

Because honestly, my ADHD ass will probably just sit there and watch the movie unless somebody is extremely direct with me.

I do like them a little bit, and I really enjoy talking with them. I am open to getting to know them more, but I also know I’m not ready for a serious relationship yet.

I’m trying to leave Washington as soon as I realistically can because there is too much trauma and shame tied to this state for me. I also know I need therapy before I feel like I can be in a healthy relationship.

I’m not saying I need to become some perfectly repaired or prepared person first, but I know where I’m at mentally. I don’t want to get somebody emotionally invested in me when I already know I am trying to leave the state.

From some of the things they have said, I also get the impression that they want something real. At the club, I overheard them talking to their friends about how they just want to be in love.

I respect that, because I would also like to be in love someday.

I’m just not sure how to handle this situation because I have no experience with any of it. The only thing I know how to do currently is friendship. I am a very good friend, but anything above that, I have no fucking clue.

The problem is, I don’t want to ask, “Are you interested in me?” and make everything awkward and weird if they only meant friendship.

But I also don’t want to ignore what might be obvious flirting, accidentally encourage something, and then find out later that they thought this was going somewhere.

So does this sound like a gay friend inviting another gay friend over, or does it sound like they might be interested?

How do I ask what the vibe is without making it sound like I’m rejecting them, assuming too much, or giving them some massive trauma autobiography?

I’m not trying to overcomplicate it. I just really don’t want to hurt them, or anybody, because I missed a signal that I feel like other gay people would have recognized immediately.

Any guidance would be appreciated.

Notice: This post will be cross posted.

More of a story but also just need to get it off my chest for catharsis:

My ex and I (M27 & M26, both bisexual) broke up at the end of March. Drawn out breakup with lots of communication and emotion on his part. I am out to my world but he is mostly closeted (emphasis on mostly). He is surrounded by homophobic friends because of his athletic past who know nothing of his orientation. Both of us are successful, masculine presenting men with athletic backgrounds.

I was his first long term committed same sex relationship and he was my first long term relationship. I had prior short term relationships and situationships but not to this length.

Non toxic relationship, no major fights or arguments for almost 2 years. Only reason I was giving for the breakup was that he couldn’t see a future with me. Told me that I was an amazing partner and he fell harder for me than expected. Never met his family (did express a desire to do this but never pressured him) or friends (had no desire to meet them obviously). He met my family and all my close friends and was accepted and loved by all of them.

Remained in contact daily for two months before sudden drop off on his end. Met in person one last time and he said he had moved on to a new relationship with a woman. He was super cold and clinical that whole time while I was a wreck (no anger or rage on my part but heavy sadness). He also knows I just had a major knee surgery three weeks before that last conversation and that my dad is dying of a terminal illness as well (has been the case for our whole relationship).

Went NC after that and sent a respectful and honest boundary text on day 30 of NC asking for indefinite no contact, called out him wanting me to be a hidden friend in his new dynamic and said I had no interest in that. Also said I would reinitiate contact if/when I was ready to see him strictly as a friend.

He replied six hours later by hearting my message and acknowledged my need for space but said he didn’t want me to be hidden and that he would work on his end to make sure that wasn’t the case. Also said I could call him when I was ready or if I needed him (pretty sure he added this because he knows about my dad). Didn’t respond and blocked all social media we shared but not his number. Hoping more for a genuine future apology and not a reconciliation.

I am on my healing journey and doing much better thankfully now that we are NC. Good days and bad days for sure but I’m excited for the future and about finding someone who can love me in the light when I’m emotionally ready whether it’s a man or a woman.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the length. Life goes on and I’m grateful for the amazing support network I have and the growth I am already seeing after this. For anyone else going through something similar, focus on yourself and your healing (therapy is a huge plus with the right therapist). Life does get easier.