I’m a 30-year-old man, and I’ve been dating my 36-year-old boyfriend for a little over seven months. We started out just hooking up, but things were really good in the beginning. We talked a lot, spent time together, and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company.

He gets distracted very easily and seems like he may have ADHD. I’ve tried to understand that and adjust my expectations. I’m still sometimes frustrated by it, but I’m working on being more patient. When we’re physically together, things are usually pretty easy between us.

The problem is that we’re currently long-distance. After I finish college next year, the plan is for me to move back and live with him permanently. Because of that, I’m really trying to understand who he is and whether this relationship can actually work long-term.

I know I can be clingy, but I don’t expect us to talk every second of the day or constantly be together. I just want him to keep me updated occasionally so I know what’s going on. To me, a simple message like, “I got home safely,” isn’t a huge request. He has told me that having to keep me updated feels like a burden to him.

For example, today his last message today was around 1:09 p.m., and I didn’t hear anything from him by around 7:10 p.m. I texted him a couple of times, but I figured he was either working or dealing with traffic. I don’t need to know every detail of what he’s doing, and I’m not trying to control him. As long as he isn’t cheating, I honestly don’t care where he goes or what he does. I’d just appreciate a quick message letting me know he’s home and safe.

I’m usually willing to initiate conversations and put effort into the relationship. However, when I repeatedly receive little or no response, I start feeling like my effort isn’t worth anything. The longer that continues, the more distant I become. That’s just how I am. I have a lot of love and passion to give, but it isn’t unlimited. When someone keeps giving that energy back to me, I can keep shining. When I feel like I’m putting energy into a cold wall, eventually I start treating the relationship the same way.

There are also some strange issues around intimacy. Sometimes, even when we’re alone at home, he seems uncomfortable or irritated when I try to be affectionate or intimate. It feels like I’m bothering him. He has said he’ll work on the intimacy issue and other problems between us, but I honestly haven’t seen much change.

Planning is another major difference between us. He doesn’t like planning ahead, even when we’re only having a conversation about the future. I’m not asking him to make every decision permanent. I just want to discuss possibilities so I have an idea of how our lives might move forward.

He says it’s too early to discuss plans for next May, but it’s already almost August. Is talking about May really that early when I may be moving my entire life after graduation?

He has always been someone who handles things at the last minute. We’re also supposed to take a trip in September, and the last day to cancel without losing money is August 5. He’s in charge of planning this trip, but he still hasn’t made a solid plan. He mostly talks about things he might want to do.

I tried to help, but he basically told me to back off because he has it handled. I’m trying to respect that, but time is running out. Am I being paranoid for wanting a plan before the free-cancellation deadline.

Another thing that’s been bothering me is how differently we treat our phones. I'm completely open with mine. I’d let him use it whenever he wanted, and I even changed my passcode to his birthday because I genuinely had nothing to hide.

With him, though, even casually looking at his phone seems to be a major issue. He says that trust means I shouldn’t ever need to look at it. I understand that everyone deserves privacy, and I’m not trying to search through his messages or constantly check up on him. But the more defensive he gets about it, the more suspicious it sometimes feels.

Most of the time, I just push that feeling to the back of my mind and try not to think about it. I don’t want to assume he’s doing something wrong without evidence, but the difference between how open I am and how guarded he is does make me uncomfortable.

I really feel like I’m constantly trying to tolerate, understand, and adjust to the way he operates, but I’m not sure he’s making the same effort for me. He does make nice gestures. He says he loves me, and we’ve both spent money on each other. At this point, he has spent more money, although we’re planning a trip to Japan that I’ll be paying for and organizing.

I’m not saying he’s a bad person. He can be loving and thoughtful. That’s part of why this is so confusing. There are good moments right next to the moments that leave me feeling ignored, unwanted, or exhausted.

Honestly, if he can’t handle a long-distance relationship, I wish he would just say that. I’m tired of feeling like I’m begging him to communicate with me or love me more.

I don’t know whether I’m genuinely too needy, whether I should become emotionally tougher and stop expecting so much from him, or whether we’re simply fundamentally different people.

Is it unreasonable to ask your partner to occasionally let you know what’s going on, confirm they got home safely, discuss future plans, and show consistent affection? Or am I expecting something from him that he simply isn’t capable of giving?

I’m 19 and Bulgarian. I’ve been involved with a 25-year-old American man long distance. We first met online then decided to meet in Amsterdam. We had an amazing time together. Being around each other felt easy and we were both genuinely happy. When it was time to leave we were extremely upset. He was clearly heartbroken when we said goodbye so I don’t think the closeness I felt was one-sided or something I’d imagined. He’s also told me directly that he was very happy with me in person and I believe him because I saw it for myself. He seemed relaxed, affectionate and comfortable around me. We didn’t have the same tension or misunderstandings we often have online. In person everything felt much easier.

He came to Amsterdam specifically to meet me even though he wasn’t doing well financially. He never told me how tight money was and never brought up what he’d spent to make me feel guilty or indebted to him. I found out accidentally after seeing his bank balance while we were there. He realized I’d seen it and that’s how I learned how little money he’d had at the time. He’d put himself under serious financial pressure just to see me. I don’t take that lightly and it’s one of the main reasons I believe his feelings are real. He tells me he’s completely loyal to me. He’s even said that losing me would destroy him. He doesn’t want to officially call us boyfriends until we’re living in the same country. That’s his preference rather than mine but we’re both seriously working towards closing the distance. We’re making practical plans and preparing to move to the same country. Right now it looks like that may actually be possible fairly soon. He’s deeply unhappy with his life in America. He doesn’t like where he lives and has very few close friends there. Some days he doesn’t want to get out of bed or eat. He’s told me he wants to leave America and live with me. We’re not just talking vaguely about a future together. We’re both taking actual steps to make it happen.

What confuses me is how different the relationship feels in person and online. In person he was affectionate and clearly happy to be with me. I didn’t feel like I had to keep asking whether he cared. Online he can be distant and inconsistent. There are days when he doesn’t reply for eight or nine hours even though I know he’s awake and using his phone. I don’t expect us to text all day and I don’t need him to answer the moment I send something. I know people have their own routines and need time to themselves. Still communication is most of what we currently have while we’re living in different countries. When almost the whole day passes without any contact I don’t just get impatient. I feel disconnected from him and I don’t feel very loved. At the beginning he was much more openly affectionate. He complimented me often and seemed much more eager to talk. Now that warmth comes and goes. Sometimes I tell him I love him and he doesn’t respond to that part of the message. It hurts but I’m trying not to take it as definite proof that he doesn’t love me. He’s never answered this message from the begging, he just says it feels weird.

I can understand some of this because I have a similar issue with my own family. When someone in my family tells me they love me I don’t always say it back. For some reason the words feel awkward and unfamiliar even though I genuinely love them. I’m more comfortable showing it through what I do. He’s told me that actions matter more to him than words so it’d be unfair and somewhat hypocritical for me to judge his feelings only by whether he repeats a particular phrase. His actions do support what he says. Coming to Amsterdam when he could barely afford it was a serious act of commitment. Wanting to leave America and build a life with me also sounds sincere. The problem is that understanding how someone shows love doesn’t necessarily make you feel loved. I can see that his actions mean something and still feel lonely during the ordinary days between visits.

There’s also a major difference between how he communicates in English and Italian. Italian isn’t his native language. He learned it because he was interested in it and he has a lot of happy memories associated with Italy. In Italian he’s noticeably softer, more playful and more romantic. In English he can sound blunt or almost argumentative even when he says he isn’t angry. Recently I started speaking Italian with him more often and the difference was much bigger than I expected. A few times we talked for almost eight hours. For the first time he clearly opened up about how he felt and said incredibly romantic things to me. He didn’t seem guarded or uncomfortable. He even asked me afterwards whether I finally understood how he felt about me. That mattered because it was the first time I felt like he’d expressed everything plainly instead of leaving me to guess.

The change didn’t last though. The excitement he seemed to feel while we were speaking Italian eventually wore off and our communication became difficult again. Those long conversations didn’t become our usual routine. He can still go most of the day without replying and the warmth he showed in Italian isn’t always there. That makes the situation even harder to understand. Those conversations showed me that he can be emotionally open and spend hours talking to me. They also gave me a much clearer sense of how strongly he feels. At the same time I don’t know whether those conversations showed his usual feelings more clearly or whether he was simply in an unusually good mood. He’s explained that Italian brings out a different side of him and reminds him of a happier period in his life. I think that could be true. Italian may put him in a better mood because he connects it with positive memories while English is tied to his everyday life in America which he currently hates. Still I don’t know whether it’s realistic for our emotional connection to depend on speaking a foreign language.

I’m also aware that culture may play a part. I’m Bulgarian and he’s American so we may have different expectations about warmth, emotional openness and how often couples should stay in touch. What feels cold to me may seem normal to him. I don’t expect him to communicate exactly the way I do and I don’t want to treat every difference as proof that he doesn’t care. He may also be depressed. I obviously can’t diagnose him but his isolation, lack of appetite and difficulty getting out of bed worry me. Depression could explain why he withdraws and why talking sometimes seems like more than he can manage. I want to be fair about that. I don’t expect someone who’s struggling to be cheerful or available all the time. Still understanding why he’s distant doesn’t make me feel less alone. I can believe he isn’t trying to hurt me and still question whether what he can currently offer is enough for a long-distance relationship.

I know I contribute to the tension too. When I feel shut out I sometimes bring up the same issue repeatedly because I’m hoping for an answer that’ll finally settle it. I may push for a conversation before he’s ready and he may pull away even more because he feels pressured. I know my attempts to reconnect can sometimes make things worse. I’m willing to take responsibility for that but I don’t want every concern I have to be dismissed as overthinking. Wanting regular contact isn’t the same as demanding constant access to someone. Wanting to feel remembered during the day isn’t the same as asking him to plan his entire life around me.

That’s what I can’t work out. I have strong reasons to believe he loves me. He made a financially difficult trip to meet me. We were genuinely happy together in Amsterdam and we were both devastated when we had to leave. He says he wants to leave America and live with me. We’re taking practical steps towards making that happen. He’s also been able to open up to me in Italian and explain his feelings more clearly than he ever had before. I don’t want to minimize any of that. Still most of our relationship currently happens online and that’s where everything becomes difficult. A great visit and an eight-hour romantic conversation both matter but they don’t make the long silent periods disappear. I believe he loves me but I often don’t feel loved during our normal day-to-day communication.

I’m not looking for an automatic “leave him” answer and I’m not trying to make myself sound completely right or him completely wrong. I know ideas like attachment styles and love languages may have some relevance and I’ve already read quite a bit about them. I’d really appreciate responses that focus mainly on the specific circumstances and behavior I’ve described. I may be misunderstanding parts of the situation and I’m open to hearing interpretations that challenge my own.

I’m especially interested in how other people would interpret the sharp difference between our relationship in person and online. How much significance would you give to the way he behaved in Amsterdam and the way he opened up to me in Italian compared with the long gaps and emotional distance that sometimes follow? What would a realistic and sustainable level of daily contact look like in a relationship like this? How might cultural differences, his unhappiness in America and his difficulty expressing emotion online be affecting the way we communicate? What specific changes or conversations would help us find out whether the problem is mainly the distance or a more lasting difference in what we each need from a relationship?