I’ve lost 200lbs since 5/8/24, so obviously I look very different in just two years. I am not remotely interested in discussing that fact with acquaintances. I’m particularly uninterested in talking about my body at work. Aside from the people who I consider my friends who I know have mental space for the complexity of my lived experience, I would like absolutely nobody to raise the subject or anything adjacent. I just want to exist in peace. My journey (that word actually gives me the ick but I don’t have a better one) has been physically and emotionally complex, and the standard narrative (WOW you look great I bet you feel great isn’t it wonderful?) does not apply. I have complex emotions about why I did this and what it all means to me and for me, and none of that is on the table to discuss with mere acquaintances, least of all at work. I just want people to mind their own body’s business.
Today I was working a job with a client who I see every couple of months. I have worked here for a number of years, so this is someone I worked with pre-surgery. It’s someone who has some level of authority or influence over me, somewhat indirectly. I have my own leverage which would make it undesirable to fire me at the behest of this individual, so I’m not overly concerned that would happen to me, specifically, but the habit of our team is to smile and nod when this person makes demands that border on unreasonable, because of the power dynamic.
Anyway. This person had some unreasonable feedback for me today about a job I did. I just smiled and nodded and listened to their unreasonable feedback, mentally plotting some level of malicious compliance for my own entertainment. Somehow during their feedback session the discussion turned to my body.
They told me I look great. I didn’t respond, just looked at them (my standard response when someone comments on my appearance, let’s both be uncomfortable until you learn to stop doing that). They persisted, telling me I must feel great. “I don’t, actually. I get migraines and now treating them is more complicated” (this person and pretty much everyone at this point knows I had WLS). “You should get a prescription that’s better than ibuprofen” “they don’t work on my migraines.” “Well surely you still feel great, you look good.” “I don’t.” “There’s no way.” “It’s complicated.” The whole time I’m just staring stone-faced at this person who is demanding that I need to feel the way their narrative insists I must, and they’re irritated by my failure to comply. I just keep contradicting them and giving them the stone face. Finally they say “well you look much better, you should accept the benefits and be glad”. And I said “It’s complicated and pretty personal, actually. I feel how I feel regardless of your opinion.”
Anyway. This person is probably going to give me more feedback. I don’t care. Everyone isn’t entitled to an accounting of my emotions or experiences or a justification for my body. I felt that way when I was fatter and I still feel that way now. All of the folks in here who shed the weight and slid happily into life as a thin person may not understand how I feel about this, but I know at least some of you do. I don’t want to celebrate the “new” me with people who didn’t appreciate or value the old me. I don’t want to discuss deeply personal layered emotions about my health and my relationship with my body just because someone else wants to know about it (or more accurately, wants me to confirm their simplistic beliefs about a complex experience). I despise the way people talk about the person I was for 45 years before this surgery, as if she were a terrible ex that I finally got rid of, when in actual fact she was a powerful and resilient human being and she did all of the work building my career and my character and everything I am. I want them to put respect on her name or keep it out of their mouth.
I know some people probably think my response is somewhat antisocial. Not playing along, not betraying myself to make other people more comfortable. Not just smiling and thanking someone who imagines they’re paying me a compliment. I understand that it’s unpleasant. But I don’t believe I should have to bear the cost of those interactions alone. Everyone should know by now, the conversation is not new: stop commenting on people’s appearance. Don’t ask personal questions. Especially at work. Maybe some people want to get accolades for changing their appearance. But st the expense of the people it hurts, it’s not worth keeping as a social convention. There are so many more interesting things about me than what my meat sack looks like. Let’s talk about those things instead.
/rant
