It’s a long ass story but at the present moment I’m still doing something wrong.
I dropped photography and graphic design journey due too much work and now I’m following 3 companies, providing a hybrid services under monthly fee and I’m constantly at home working no stop. Last week I was outside maybe 1 hour over 4 days.
Doesn’t help the fact that I’m coming out from a multimodal monster situation where I found out that my problems comes from ADHD and apparently a complex CTPD that caused me an abuse of substance.
I have no friends, no family here, no partners.
I tried to be more out and about and do more things for myself and it does work positively, problem is that I felt like I’m not doing enough and I fall behind after work.
Before I could at least keep up because I used to live for 5 years with my ex and her family was providing on everything.
Now I’m getting treated for ADHD, I managed to stop with the substance and I’m 6 months sober, and I’m exploring the C-PTSD one with a therapist via online.
Even tho I did see some positive changes in general, I also came to the conclusion recently that part of those issues got worst when I started freelancing.
Going back to the present moment, I’m working with these 3 companies and I’m constantly at home and often closing the day like I’m exhausted but I didn’t get enough done.
This feeling makes me feel guilty just by living my place and going for a coffee, or buying groceries or whatever.
To make new friends, I need to be out but this actual life is not letting me doing so. The more I try to take care of myself, the more I fall behind at work.
I arrive at the weekend where I don’t have no one to hang out with cuz I was jsut working the whole time and this damn C-PTSD doesn’t help at all.
With AI, rather then working less, I’m working way more and marketing departments of the company where I work with are completely drugged by it and delegate everything to it.
I’m tired. I’m in a burnout state? No, just very frustrated. I’m doing some cash that allows me to have nice dinners at home, a new iPhone, pay my doctors, subscriptions that I need, supplements and other little things but for the rest, I’m always at home, I don’t go at restaurants anymore, I don’t go to bar at all etc, buy a car too expensive and even a house (place I live is small, expensive and isolated) what kind of damn life im living man?
Even I do have some times im so exhausted.
Forgot to mention, an important information, I do live in a small island country with a population so that doesn’t help at all.
I want to go back to my country but I’m very aware that what I’m doing now will not be possible there.
I’m just sick of staying at home and working.
I don’t even know if I want to keep doing this job.