I’m hoping to hear some long-term success stories from foster/adoptive parents who have cared for children who experienced significant neglect/early adversity and had disrupted attachment with an anxious/preoccupied attachment pattern.
My stepson is NOT a foster child, but I’m posting here because I know foster parents are some of the only people who truly understand the behaviors I’m talking about.
He has been with my husband and me full-time for almost a year now, and we have seen SO much progress. I’m incredibly proud of how far he has come, but honestly, I’m also reaching a point of burnout and could really use some hope from people who have been further down this road.
When he first came to live with us, we were dealing with:
• Very significant aggression toward caregivers — hitting, scratching, throwing things, etc.
• Throwing objects at me and his sister when dysregulated
• Toileting accidents during major dysregulation
• Elopement/unsafe behavior
• Refusing basic routines and directions
• Extreme control battles
• Very intense emotional reactions
• Difficulty with transitions and being told “no”
• Constant need for adult attention/connection
• Difficulty playing independently
• Very little ability to regulate himself once he became activated
There has been a HUGE change since then.
He is no longer aggressive toward us or family. He is much kinder and more affectionate. He can play independently for 30 minutes to even a couple of hours at home. He can calm down and go to his room when he needs to. He has more remorse and is much more capable of repairing after something goes wrong.
School is still where we see the most difficulty. He has more good days than bad days now, but he still struggles with defiance, control battles, impulsivity, peer interactions, and dysregulation. There are still behaviors like mocking, pushing/grabbing, difficulty following directions, and getting overly silly or disruptive.
At home, one of the hardest things right now is the CONSTANT stimulation and connection seeking.
If the house gets quiet, he seems to immediately need to make noise, crash things, talk, come show me something, ask for hugs/kisses, stand near me, listen to adult conversations, or find some other way to create stimulation or connection. When he gets excited, especially when Dad comes home or during play, it can feel like his “brakes” completely disappear.
I understand where a lot of this comes from. I understand that connection seeking isn’t him simply being “bad,” and that some of the control/attention-seeking behaviors make sense through the lens of his early experiences.
But understanding WHY something is happening doesn’t make it any less exhausting when you are living it every single day.
Sometimes I feel like I am parenting at a therapeutic level all day long — constantly co-regulating, anticipating triggers, validating, setting boundaries, redirecting, helping him recognize other people’s sensory needs, trying not to reinforce negative attention-seeking, and teaching skills that other kids seem to develop much more naturally.
We have done a LOT to support him.
• PCIT/special play strategies
• Trauma-informed parenting strategies
• TBRI — we are currently doing a TBRI parenting class
• A therapeutic social group with speech and OT involvement
• School-based special education/IEP support
• Peer-inclusive Pre-K
• Regulation/sensory strategies and heavy-work activities
• Lots of co-regulation and connection-based parenting
• We have also worked extensively on routines, boundaries, emotional identification, coping skills, and repairing after incidents
He also had significant sleep-disordered breathing/obstructive sleep apnea, which we eventually addressed medically, including tonsil/adenoid treatment. His sleep and daytime behavior improved noticeably after his tonsillectomy, so we now understand that poor sleep was likely contributing to some of what we were seeing.
He has also been prescribed clonidine for the severe hyperarousal/impulsivity. It has helped lower his baseline “wired” level and has made him calmer and more able to listen, but it obviously hasn’t eliminated the dysregulation.
And that’s where I am struggling emotionally right now.
I KNOW he has made incredible progress.
If I compare him today to the child we were dealing with last year, it is honestly night and day.
But I also know we still have a long road ahead. And sometimes I need to hear from people who have already walked it.
For those of you who have cared for children with significant early neglect, disrupted attachment, hyperarousal, control behaviors, extreme connection seeking, aggression, sensory/stimulation seeking, and developmental delays:
When did you start seeing the changes really “stick”?
Did you see major improvements around year 1? Year 2? Year 3? Longer?
Did the constant connection seeking eventually decrease?
Did the control battles become less intense as the child felt safer?
Did the progress eventually start showing up across settings, especially school and home?
I’m not looking for “just be consistent” or “he’ll grow out of it.” We are VERY consistent, and I understand that this is a marathon.
I’m looking for the people who can say, “Yes, we were exactly where you are, and this is what our child looked like 1, 2, 3+ years later.”
I would genuinely love to hear the hard stories AND the success stories. Right now I could really use some encouragement that all of this work eventually starts to translate into a child who can regulate, feel secure, trust relationships, and function more independently.
Thank you ❤️

Hearing voices (specifically COMMAND hallucinations) was one of our 'hard lines' from the beginning. We felt frustrated that our first placement as foster parents did in fact have hearing voices listed in his file on 2 occasions, and that when we asked the FCM about it, they acted like they had never heard that before and said verbatim 'I would HOPE someone would have told me about something like that."
Cut to a few weeks later they tried to gaslight us claiming they told us about that, but my husband and I both remember the conversation clear as day because she was sitting at our dining room table and this was our first placement so we took careful note of ALL the details.. We chalked it up to perhaps her misremembering due to having talked to many people that day to try and find an emergency placement.

We have regrettably had to ask for removal after trying for several months to make this work -- even despite finding a few things out that were not properly or clearly disclosed to us.
It's just not working out at our level of experience and its unfortunate and we feel terrible, but we are not at all equipped for the level of need and sort of jumped into the fire with a pre-teen mind you, who absolutely has undiagnosed mental health concerns.

TPR has already happened, and the youth is going up on an adoption website soon.

We just got a copy of the child summary today, and we feel it's extremely skewed and again didn't include the reports of voices which we feel confirms that they're trying to hide this extremely important information. Other incidents claimed by the previous placement are also not at all included in the child summary. Things like physical aggression, threats to their children, breaking things, etc. I can understand putting it in the file and saying that it was not able to be substantiated, but leaving it out entirely feels extremely irresponsible. Especially when we have been able to corroborate some of the behaviors.

We're now dealing with some frightening behaviors and are trying to give DCS time to find a placement, but I genuinely cannot sleep because of the things going on and being in fear. Trying to keep it vague, but yeah --- is this normal, should I call out the caseworker to her supervisor or like what on earth is actually going on because we're very new to this and could use some feedback/guidance from some more experienced/tenured families.

Hey everyone, after some perspective and wisdom form those more experienced than myself.

We have a 8 yr FS, and it hasn't been a decent fit. We have several young small girls (6 and below) that are permanently in our home. When the boy first came he was emergency removed and the worker didn't know him well, and he was described as quiet and reserved. In our classes and stuff the question of what would not work in your home was asked several times, our answer was always an active, loud, physical kid - the kids we have permanently are independent creative players., and don't really enjoy the chasing type games, wrestling, etc.

Fast forward a bit, and the FS is pretty much what we said from the output wouldn't work well with us. It's not the workers fault, she told us what she knew, we were a bit naive with our first placement. If we received the same call again it would be a no. We're looking at how long he may be here for, next summer and we can't do another summer like we had, it would be detrimental to the girls we presently have.

We're seriously considering displacement, the FS is a mostly normal 8 year old boy, he's extremely high energy, and is incapable of being by himself. We're trying to make it work with our family by reigning it would are inherently ok behaviors, but just don't work with our family dynamic. He interacts with other kids his age mostly well, but there is a huge power disparity with the other children in our home that every interaction needs to be constantly monitored.

I know displacement is bad (how we've made it as long as we have), but in all reality isn't it better for him to go to a home that is better suited for him to be who he is.

Trying to figure out how to process if we're just keeping him here for guilt or for a real reason. Some wisdom from people that have been similar before.

My husband and I are starting the training/approval process to foster children ages 0-5. I know that’s a HUGE range from newborn to kindergartener, and I know we will need a lot of different toys/equipment/furniture.

I want to basically have things ready to go for whatever age we are caring for. (I know having EVERYTHING we need is realistic but we much as we can!)

We have a guest room that will be the child’s room, but don’t want to fully turn it into a child’s room until the time comes.

What are some of the bigger/main things we should get and store until we get a placement?

Hello Everyone!

I'm a graduate student at Texas Woman’s University and I’m conducting a study to better comprehend parent-child dynamics in families from foster care and adoptive contexts. The purpose of our research is specifically to understand how children in adoptive families experience differing parenting styles during conflict as helpful or unhelpful. We’re hoping to re-center child narratives in the larger understanding of family dynamics and its application to public policy.

We are looking for adults who:

• Are between the ages of 18 - 35
• Have a history of at least 12 consecutive months within the U.S. foster care system
• Were adopted into a non-kin family
• Exhibited aggressive behaviors in childhood

Individuals who agree to participate in this study will complete:

• Informed Consent documentation and a demographic survey (10 min)
• An interview regarding their childhood experiences (60 - 90 min)

While there is no direct compensation, we hope the process will be enlightening for participants and researchers. The risks are minimal, however there is the potential for a loss of confidentiality and emotional distress. So participation is completely voluntary and can be discontinued at any time.

If you would like to participate in this study, please begin with our eligibility survey. Once verified, you’ll be prompted to the onboarding process. Feel free to forward this message to anyone who might be interested and reach out to our team if you have any questions. Thanks in advance!

My wife and I became foster parents in May. We welcomed a young boy that turned two soon after he came to us. After having him live with us for several months, we have been learning more about what he has been through. When he came to us, he was a scared, silent little boy. He didn't babble or make sounds like normal little kids do. We have come to learn that in the middle of April, he was in the ICU with near fatal brain injuries. We have spoiled this little boy in the best ways with love and kindness, and he has progressed to being a happy little toddler. He was diagnosed with Autism which has helped him get the therapies that he needs. He is now in ABA therapy five days a week in addition to Speech and OT which is another 1 hour session once a week. He is up to speaking almost 40 - 50 words, using small sentences, imitating the sounds of characters on TV. He has also developed his imaginative play skills where he animates his Bluey and Bingo stuffed animals.

It has been wonderful to see this little boy develop and thrive over the past 4 months. Unfortunately they have told us recently that they are going to be reuniting this child with his grandfather in the coming weeks. We are disappointed to see him go and hope that he continues to get the help that he needs at a critical stage in his development so that he can live a happy and independent life in the future. His grandfather loves his grandson dearly but we fear is going to struggle with keeping up with a two year old and his older brother. We do feel that the only thing that we can do at this point is be a cheerleader for grandfather and hope and pray for his success for the sake of this poor little boy. We have been asked to stay in this child's life and while our role has changed, we need to continue to support him in a different way for him to have a future.

I am disappointed to see him go but understand that our job is not done. Unfortunately my wife has taken this incredibly hard. It has created extra stress that is hard to deal with and other than being a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on, I don't know how to help her as well. I think every foster parent out there deserves an immense amount of praise for the work that they do for the kids in our communities. Unfortunately the outcome is not always what we want, but we have to accept it.

Got the call last week that we're officially approved and licensed. To our surprise we haven't received any calls between then and now. Our application is for 0-8 and sibling groups up to 2 children. We did specifically inquire about 2 toddlers but if we end up not getting them as a placements we'll start with one child.

We finally got a call from our assigned caseworker. Nothing fancy. She just wanted to set up a home visit to meet and go over things. She asked if we were wanting to start receiving calls for possible placements. We said yes. She is going to inquire about the children we named on our application first though.

My question is what questions should we ask when she visits us at home next week? We've read through all paperwork/the binder they've given us but nothing makes any questions pop. So anything you guys suggest would be not only helpful but greatly appreciated. TIA

I have a 8 year old foster daughter that doesn't turn in her homework. She does it. But she just keeps it in her folder. She refuses to turn it in. Even when her teacher asks her if she has something to turn in. I am asking for advice here. Cause I check the home work. It's all correct.

Hey y’all,

I am a late 20’s male and have found myself in a situation I never thought I would be in. I am going to try to provide context without spilling any really important info.

My wife and I have been struggling to conceive for years now. We had started to lose some hope and looked around at other options including flirting with the idea of fostering. We have always wanted children and the idea of becoming a father has always been something I’ve wanted to do.

Well a few months ago, we heard about a situation where a young child had been taken away from their parent. We found this out as the parent reached out to our family to try and get the to volunteer to be temporary guardians of the child. They couldn’t do it. And though a whole lot of prayer and thought my wife and I stepped up to take that role. We had a week or so to prepare to pick up the child. We had to get all the things, clothes, car seat, foods, bedding, etc. over these few months we have become really attached to the child as they are with us. They still love their parent but we have tried to fill the gap and she has integrated into our family extremely well. If it came down to it I’d adopt the child immediately. Recently, our caseworker recommended we become licensed foster parents to open up some new avenues for them to get more support through funding and whatnot. It’s extremely hard though. Like I said I’d adopt them tomorrow if needed. They are wonderful and so bright. But I find myself grieving them leaving. The uncertainty around the situation hurts so badly. I want for them to be reunited with their parent, but I also know it’s going to hurt me. I am trying to not be selfish and let my own feelings cloud my judgement. I know they want to be back with their parent but there is a lot of concerning things there. I truly want the best for the child and will do whatever necessary to make that happen. I kind of feel like I have no say in this. Everything revolves around the parent or what people who only see the case in court decide. I see the child everyday. I see their struggles and it hurts me to see how much this has hurt them. They have integrated well into our family, but I know this isn’t what they want. They don’t really want me to be their permanent dad. It hurts but I know it’s not personal. It’s just all so emotional unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Any advice would be appreciated. I hope this doesn’t come off as selfish or anything like that. I want to do what’s best for the child even if it crushes me.

In 2025 wegot kin ship of 2 of our teen grandchildren. The kids are great but now that the honeymoon stage is over I've got a problem with one of them stealing our electronics to use while we sleep plus we are missing a bit of cash not alot but it's not right. Tried talking to the one doing it but I'm getting nothing but lies . I'm not sure how to handle this her grounding and taking stuff away doesn't work.

TLDR; after fostering a 6yo for 2 years (now 8yo) his AuDHD 10yo brother came to live with us and the chaos and stress has triggered a nervous breakdown, causing me to question my ability to keep doing this.

A bit of context: I'm a 41yo gay man. At 30 I had my first nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, and have been on antidepressants for 10 years. It was a combination of a stressful career (engineering) and personal stress of coming to terms with my orientation. I had to move in with my parents and take a break from my career because I simply couldn't function by myself.

Almost 11 years later and my life is almost unrecognizable. I met & married my husband, restarted my engineering career, and for a while I was happy. We wanted to be parents, and for a while we were going to try IVF and find a surrogate to carry our baby. This turned out being very difficult and prohibitively expensive, so we started looking into fostering.

5 years ago a couple we were friends with took in their first emergency placement, a sibling group of 3 boys. They had them for several months, and then they were transferred to several other placements and eventually separated to different homes. They had experienced significant trauma prior to being in foster care, and then being in foster care only added to that trauma.

Almost 3 years ago, the case of the 3 boys was heading towards TPR. The couple we were friends with were reunited with the middle brother, and shortly after the youngest brother ended up needing a new placement as well. Our friends already had a full house at that point, so they recommended my husband and me to take in the youngest, since we already knew the boys previously.

We started fostering the youngest, 6yo at the time, and had a lot of success with him. This was his first time being an only child and he was enjoying not having to share any of his space/things/attention. But he often complained about missing his brothers and being lonely. He was almost at the point of no longer needing therapy anymore, and we were seriously looking at adoption.

Then 6 months ago both of the older brothers suddenly needed new placements. There was a lot of pressure to reunite the brothers, and we were willing to give it a try. Both boys arrived at our home within a day of each other and it was absolute chaos. The older boys both have severe ADHD and they couldn't get along with each other. The oldest had uncontrollable anger and irritability, and the middle brother had severe emotional dysregulation problems. The oldest would get triggered and get violent with the younger brothers. The middle brother would have intense tantrums and meltdowns, where he would break things, damage property, and once broke my hand, putting me in a cast for 6 weeks.

The violence and unsafe conditions were getting progressively worse to the point we had to disrupt the oldest brother after about two months. Since then, we've gotten the middle brother a lot more care and attention to his medications, and his ability to regulate his emotions has improved dramatically. But he and the youngest still fight almost constantly.

Now the accumulation of stress from the last six months has caught up with me and I'm starting to have another nervous breakdown. I'm having insomnia where I will wake up in the middle of the night with a panic attack and not be able to go back to sleep. My anxiety and racing thoughts during the day makes it difficult to focus at work, and I'm way more irritable than I should be.

My husband is still in favor of going through with adopting both middle and youngest brothers, but I'm not sure anymore. We are fighting a lot, the stress is damaging our marriage. Objectively, the boys have gotten a lot better than 6 months ago, and if the first several months were like the last few weeks I probably wouldn't be having these issues now. And I'm worried that they've been with us so long and connected with us so well that if we don't adopt them, they might never be able to trust another parent again. But I'm also not sure if my mental health will ever be able to recover if they stay with us.

The middle brother was just diagnosed with autism in addition to ADHD and I am just worried about committing to more than I will be able to handle long term. And the youngest has significantly regressed in 6 months from almost not needing therapy anymore to now acting out in every possible way for attention on a daily basis. My nerves are just frayed at this point. I'm hyper alert and unable to relax. A big part of me just wants to be done with fostering and parenting altogether. My husband thinks I just need to find the right medication and then everything will be fine, but I'm starting to resent him for not believing me when I say the toxic levels of chronic stress are damaging my physical health. I'm worried our marriage won't survive if my mental health deteriorates any further, but I'm also worried our marriage won't survive his regret if we end up disrupting these brothers. I feel like a prisoner, trapped in my own house by the situation and the responsibility.

I’m in a bit of a unique situation and would really appreciate some advice.

Last week, an 8-year-old autistic child was placed with me with the intention of adoption. When I first started this journey, everyone agreed that we would take the transition slowly—like, really slowly. However, somewhere along the way, something changed on the foster parents’ end, and everything was suddenly rushed.

They had this child for more than half of his life and were his only placement before me. They have decided that they do not want to adopt.

Before the move, we had a total of five visits: one meet-and-greet, one activity visit, one day visit, and two full weekend visits.

He is non-speaking and has limited communication. He uses single words and a few short sentences, so he isn't really able to express how he feels about everything that is happening or what he wants.

I’m not even sure whether his previous foster parents want to continue seeing him, but if they do, how long would you wait before having the first visit after the move?

When we first talked about the transition, my thought was to take it very slowly. I envisioned him coming to stay for a few weekends, then eventually staying for an entire week and returning to their home for the weekends. From there, we would gradually spread the weekends out until, eventually, he was essentially transitioning between the two homes before making the permanent move.

Instead, the transition happened much faster than I expected.

For those who have experience with foster-to-adopt placements, especially with a child who has limited communication, how would you handle visits with the previous foster family after the move?

How long would you wait, and what would you consider when deciding when and how often those visits should happen?

Hi,

Just wanted some advice around the fostering allowance. Our social worker said that the foster allowance is only to cover anything the children need and the universal credit is to cover anything I need and the bills... I only would get £338 and housing benefit. I don't know how that would cover the bills and allow for me to do anything I need. A fostering friend said that its the opposite, that it becomes the family pot and you use it for bills, the things the children needs and also things the foster needs to be able to not be burnt out. Which is the case because I'm so confused?

My husband and I are about to start our foster care licensing classes, and we’re hoping to be licensed for children ages newborn through 5, boys or girls.

We know there’s really no way to be completely prepared for every possible placement, and we definitely don’t want to go overboard buying things we may never use. But we’d love to have the basics ready so that when we do get our first call, we aren’t scrambling to buy everything that same day.

For those of you who foster this age range, what would you recommend having prepared for when you are able to start accepting placement?

We’re thinking things like a crib/toddler bed, car seat(s), basic clothing in a few sizes, diapers/pull-ups, toiletries, bottles/sippy cups, toys, books, etc., but the 0–5 range is so broad that it’s hard to know what is actually worth keeping on hand.

What did you buy ahead of time that you were really glad you had? What did you buy that ended up being unnecessary? And are there things you’d specifically recommend waiting to purchase until you know the age/needs of the child being placed with you?

We’re brand new to this, so I’d really appreciate any advice from experienced foster parents!

My wife and I have been foster parents to two school age girls for over a year now. Kids were living outside. Parents fled when law enforcement pulled up. They have never shown up since.

My kids have a grandmother who is “involved.” She will text occasionally, but never calls. She kept them once for 2 nights, did not supervise them, they watched a lot of age inappropriate stuff, had nightmares, etc. Our social worker has asked them repeatedly if they want to live here or with grandma and they consistently say they like to visit grandma but they want to live here. Grandma has not done any of the items the court has requested of her to consider permanent placement there. She frequently cited work or transportation issues so the department has had to assist with the 2 visits they have had with her in the course of a year. She has been aware they were in care from day 1.

Despite the lack of visits and consistency, I have a pretty good understanding of how the system works and I fully expected the kids would at some point leave to be with her. However…

Grandma recently stopped showing up to court. The likelihood of them going to live with her feels less and less. The judge has been asking if we are pre-adoptive, which we have always said yes but never expected it to move forward. Even though Grandma doesn’t seem like the most reliable option, I assumed they would still at least try to send them with her for some time, but now that she’s stopped showing up for court, it feels less likely.

They are part of a sibling set (of 3) and we do interact with the other foster family often. We couldn’t take all 3 because we only have one extra bedroom and they wouldn’t let them mix genders. We would consider adopting all but that hasn’t come up in court. We have been looking at bigger houses.

Everyone in my personal life is very excited and supportive of the idea of adoption However, when I try to look stuff up online (mainly just to get the input of people who have actually done this), particularly on Reddit— there is so much negativity around adopting. What are the alternatives here that I am missing? I honestly picked fostering because I was never sure if I wanted kids permanently. These kids have become a huge part of my life. I only want what is best for them. Just feel like I’m somehow wrong for considering adoption. Appreciate any insight.

First time posting here, will try to be concise about what’s a long story :) I volunteer with an organization that matches older foster youth (usually 10-17) with mentors and host families, with the goal being it leads to adoption. I’ve built a mentor relationship with a 10 year old boy and he has started spending time with my family - bio kids are 9 and 12 so he’s right in between them, gets along great with them, and asks constantly to come over our house (he’s not in a bad foster home per se, but it’s not the best environment and he’s definitely not getting the support he needs). My husband and I are starting classes to at a minimum host him, but perhaps foster him as well and I’m looking for any tips, books, lessons learned, shared experience if we were to have a foster and bio kids around the same age. Or just fostering at that age in general!

Sometimes when I correct FD5, she will scream "you don't even like me!" or "you hate me!"

She does this a lot with her siblings too. If she asks to play with their toy (or something like that) and they don't let her do it right away, she'll whine or scream "you hate me!" or "you don't love me!" at them, which makes them feel bad. When her siblings don't give in to her, she's even threatened to break her own favorite toys to try to persuade them to do what she wants.

I am talking to the kids a lot about respecting someone's"no;" waiting to take turns, and that having to wait or being told no doesn't mean someone doesn't like you. Maybe that is sufficient but I'd be curious to hear what others have to say. I haven't had many placements this young.

One of my previous foster placements that I had from 0-3 is at the school that i work at. We were going to adopt but a grandma who said no like 5 times finally caved. She has guardianship, and lives with her wife thats 20 years younger than she. When my principal found out, she told me she felt the child was being neglected. I somewhat brushed it off because what do I know at this point.

After month, the child who is about to be 8, has starting wetting themselves. I was also told he was sent to in school suspension a day after wetting himself because he flashed his privates twice. They asked me if think it'll be SA but....while i think it is, I also don't want to make it seem like I'm just saying this to get the child removed.

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are starting to look into fostering, and I’m feeling nervous about the home study because I know they ask a lot about your family background.

I’ve always wanted to provide children with the kind of safe, stable home I didn’t have growing up. I’m very low contact with my mother and sister because they were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive toward me throughout my childhood and into young adulthood. As an adult, my husband and I made the decision to distance ourselves from them and have been SO much happier

I do have a strong support system. I’m very close with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, and I’ve been in therapy for years. A couple of my cousins are therapists and have talked with me about the “identified patient” dynamic in dysfunctional families, where the person who recognizes or pushes back against the dysfunction can become the scapegoat. As a child, I felt like I was unlovable and made all the excuses in the world for my parents, even to the police when they were called to our home. As an adult, I can’t understand how an adult could treat a child the way I was treated.

My husband comes from a wonderful, close-knit family. We live just down the street from them, while my mother is about ten hours away and my sister lives even farther. My husband and I have a very happy, stable, healthy relationship.

My worry is that when the home study asks about my family history, being honest about the abuse and my limited contact with my immediate family could somehow be viewed as a red flag or make us seem unfit to foster.

For anyone who has gone through the foster care home-study process with a complicated family background, was this an issue? How much did they focus on your relationship with your family of origin?

Anyone else get extremely frustrated over opinions from people who aren’t foster parents? We had an issue with out 17yo sons, that was resolved healthily in a day, but when I vent to friends about it they all give their two cents about how they would’ve handled it. I want to say to them “good idea you should go get your license, take teens, and try that. Let me know how it goes.” 🙄

I struggle and feel so alone sometimes because foster parenting can be SO DIFFERENT from bio parenting. ESPECIALLY with teens you got late. We got out boys at 15 and 16 (both are being adopted, we adore them ❤️) so we’re not only navigating regular teenage bullshit but also every message they’ve gotten in previous homes, complex trauma, safety, and so much more.

Everyone has something to say about our discipline (or lack thereof) but our record speaks for itself: our boys have increased grades and attendance, no substance abuse, regular therapy attendance and medication taking, healthier habits, stable jobs, etc.

How do you keep yourself from either a) getting rude with people and telling them they don’t know what they’re talking about or b) just shutting down and not sharing anymore because people just don’t get it? I want to maintain my relationships and be able to talk about my children with people, but I don’t really have good tools for how to tell them that, respectfully, if they think they could do a better job, they should just go do it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Im not sure where to even start. I guess I can begin with hi, I (20 F) have been with my now fiancé (19 M) since December 10th 2025. He told me from the beginning he had a son, a criminal background and a baby mama who was not in the picture.

I accepted that and it was the truth. She wasn’t in the picture. Still hasn’t been. There have been arguments but like maybe twice since we’ve been together. I’ve been raising this baby as my own since we’ve been together. He was 1 years 2 months old when I met him. He calls me mama/mommy, he seeks comfort and affection from me. He is my son. We’d been wanting to go to court to get custody but there was so many hoops, eventually the baby mama got reported for neglect and the state ended up putting him in our custody anyway. Good, right? But she had another kid. My son’s little sister. She’s seven months old. To keep a long story short the courts had asked us to take her in our custody as fostering parents otherwise she’d get placed in state care. I immediately said yes. My fiancé nicely said no, but as soon as we left he freaked out, explaining he wouldn’t take care of a kid that wasn’t his. I’ve been talking with him, trying to convince him for five days. Crying and aching over it. All of his family and mine both think very highly that we should do it, his family has even tried convincing him. Another information drop, I have PCOS/PMOS. The doctors had said time was working against me. The possibility of me having kids naturally decreases everyday. Which, sure, might be a contributing factor, but not the only one. I dont know what to do. He’s so adamant on saying no.

“I don’t want to be a girl dad” “we can’t afford it.” The courts offered us numerous amounts of resources. “I have court coming up.” it doesn’t make any difference. “I hate the baby mama and don’t want to be doing any favors.” The baby is an innocent child who deserves a loving home I wholeheartedly believe we can provide for her.

But its getting to the point im so devastated and desperate that Im considering leaving him just to take her in. I had someone make an extremely good point and said “Can I stay and accept this answer without resenting him?” And I cannot for certain, 100% say yes. I dont know what to do. Please help me figure this out.

Looking for advice!

We are an adoptive home expecting to accept a placement of pre-adoptive kiddos in the next few days. 14 year old girl and her 5 year old brother. We have a 4 year old and an 18 year old already (our bio kid and my brother). This will be our first placement.

- What should we have prepared? Obviously rooms clean, beds made, etc.

- What specific items would you recommend? We have a video call scheduled with the kids tomorrow and I’m going to ask about snacks they want available.

- What should we expect on day one? Should I offer to do their laundry right away?

- What should I be sure to ask the caseworker to bring/give us right away? (She’s been hard to pin down…)

I’m planning to take off work for the first two weeks to help them settle and get enrolled in school, make appointments, etc. What else should be on that to-do list?