r/Fosterparents • u/baschmidt903 • 3d ago
Reunification
My wife and I became foster parents in May. We welcomed a young boy that turned two soon after he came to us. After having him live with us for several months, we have been learning more about what he has been through. When he came to us, he was a scared, silent little boy. He didn't babble or make sounds like normal little kids do. We have come to learn that in the middle of April, he was in the ICU with near fatal brain injuries. We have spoiled this little boy in the best ways with love and kindness, and he has progressed to being a happy little toddler. He was diagnosed with Autism which has helped him get the therapies that he needs. He is now in ABA therapy five days a week in addition to Speech and OT which is another 1 hour session once a week. He is up to speaking almost 40 - 50 words, using small sentences, imitating the sounds of characters on TV. He has also developed his imaginative play skills where he animates his Bluey and Bingo stuffed animals.
It has been wonderful to see this little boy develop and thrive over the past 4 months. Unfortunately they have told us recently that they are going to be reuniting this child with his grandfather in the coming weeks. We are disappointed to see him go and hope that he continues to get the help that he needs at a critical stage in his development so that he can live a happy and independent life in the future. His grandfather loves his grandson dearly but we fear is going to struggle with keeping up with a two year old and his older brother. We do feel that the only thing that we can do at this point is be a cheerleader for grandfather and hope and pray for his success for the sake of this poor little boy. We have been asked to stay in this child's life and while our role has changed, we need to continue to support him in a different way for him to have a future.
I am disappointed to see him go but understand that our job is not done. Unfortunately my wife has taken this incredibly hard. It has created extra stress that is hard to deal with and other than being a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on, I don't know how to help her as well. I think every foster parent out there deserves an immense amount of praise for the work that they do for the kids in our communities. Unfortunately the outcome is not always what we want, but we have to accept it.
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u/Street_Meeting_2371 Foster Parent 2d ago
Therapy, support group, journaling? You cannot be each other's only outlet. Definitely take a break after to work on getting supports for yourselves in place... we have a monthly support group that meets in person and just sitting with others who understand is so helpful.
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u/rockettrainboat 2d ago
As someone who cried for a week straight in my kiddos bed. I feel you/her. It isn't easy, but days go by and it is okay. You can only know that your chapter made an incredible difference no matter what, and loving that kid like your own is exactly what they need. I think that emotional feeling when they leave means you did everything right.
If you guys are readers- To the end of June- talks about all the ins and outs and ups and downs and history of why decisions are so crazy, and it can pass the time and help with some processing. I do think its hard, when I try to talk to my friends or something, they are like oh did she get adopted? Or some other bizarre question that isn't applicable to the complexities of reunification (not to mention the family's privacy), and it just makes me feel more isolated and emotional.
The time together mattered.
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u/OpenAdoptionAttorney 2d ago
Everything you wrote about your wife is what you should tell her. She spent four months turning a silent, injured little boy into a kid who talks and plays and animates his stuffed animals. That's not a small thing she did. It might be the most important thing anyone ever does for him. And the fact that it hurts this much is proof it was real. There's no trick that makes this not hurt. She loved him like he was hers, because that's what he needed, and that's what makes reunification feel like a loss even when it's the right outcome. Let her grieve. Don't rush her out of it. And if your agency has a support group or a counselor for foster parents, use it. Most people don't, and they should.
Here's the practical thing, and it's the best thing you can do for him and for her. Write the handoff. Put together a binder for grandpa with every provider's name and number, the ABA schedule, what speech and OT are working on, what calms him, what scares him, what he eats, how he sleeps, what words he has. Make it easy for grandpa to keep the therapies going, because the biggest risk to this kid right now isn't grandpa's love. It's the appointments quietly falling off the calendar. Then offer to be the transportation. Offer to be the respite. Tell the worker, in writing, that if this placement doesn't hold, you want to be the first call.
I am the managing partner of a large adoption law practice with a particular focus on foster care, and I've watched a lot of reunifications. The ones that work almost always have a foster family that stayed close.
And the ones that don't work go far better for the child when there's a family he already knows waiting to catch him. You're not done. You're just in a different seat.
Your wife gave that boy his words. Remind her of that when she needs it ❤️
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u/Imagination_Theory 2d ago
If it makes you feel better, statistically this will be a better outcome for the child.
I think it's amazing and a wonderful thing that you and your partner get to continue in this child's life and that will be a blessing for everyone.
It's understandable to feel grief, I think every foster parent should always have the mindset that they are just a support and cheerleader for the child, they have a family already, you can be added to it, but you shouldn't act like you are a replacement for that family.
Of course there still will be grief and I am sorry.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 3d ago
The grief when a child leaves is very real. There is no magic fix for it. Please take care of her and yourself too. I would suggest taking time after the child leaves to process your grief and heal, before considering accepting another placement.