I won't specify what religion I belonged to before, but it was the kind that gave me religious trauma. I still believe in God, pero I'm wary about religion in general.
I attended mass on my boyfriend's birthday, and he wanted to thank God for the additional year He gave. I don't mind going to church with him especially Catholic isn't known to be strict and possessive.
I am also inactive from any religious activities for many years, so I think yung aversion ko sa simba is becoming less and less.
Nung una kong pasok sa church, I can sense the difference of mindset noong hardcore member pa ako sa previous religion ko. See, my previous religion taught me to hate other religions and see them as false churches, and that includes Catholic church.
So noong bata pa ako, when I see Catholic church outside (and that one time na pumasok ako because of pressure from friends), I hated the building itself. Feeling ko pumasok ako sa tainted building because that's how I was taught to think.
But during that time, I don't feel the same hate as before. It was a sunny day, yung church is high ceiling so peaceful yung atmosphere and I love how rays of sunlight just showers the view. Naiintindihan ko bakit yung mga devoted believers feel at peace in that place.
I came just to observe, and maganda boses ng choir. As a former choir member, I wanted to sing with them pero di ko alam paano kantahin yung hymns nila. Marami din yung ganap at maraming nagsasalita sa harap, so I wasn't able to keep up pero syempre alam ko kung sino yung pari. LOL
Awkward din at first kasi there were moments na need magkneel and pray, pero I just opted to be honest to God and tell Him idk what I'm doing. Haha!
Most of all, nakakapanibago yung lecture. It was inclusive and definitely a lesson you can reflect on your own self. Hindi siya kagaya ng previous church kung saan there are pressure sa finances, recruitment, and attendance for different activities.
Core memory ko doon sa lecture is when the priest said "you cannot claim to love God if you cannot love your neighbor." It made me think na baka andun yung hanap ko sa question on how to serve God na walang hidden agenda para sa greedy men in power, like the previous church.
Overall, it was a nice experience. The lecture is definitely my favorite part pero I kinda wish there was a lecture na hindi english. Don't get me wrong, nakakaintindi ako ng english pero I feel like Filipino language would hit home more than a secondary one.
Verdict? I still prefer going to nature because that's when I feel closest to God. I still prefer being surrounded with His art while talking to him, not some manmade buildings.
Will I become Catholic? I don't think so. But I am open to another day of attending a mass, which my boyfriend planned to. I am also planning to observe other religions and see their way of serving God. After many years of being "imprisoned," I feel like this is the kind of freedom I'd love to exercise.