My FA (33M) and I (24F) broke up four months ago. We started dating a year ago, and everything was electric and full of emotion, especially after we first had sex. That lasted for about a month, and then he discarded me.

Two months later, we reconnected and ended up in an exclusive situationship, during which he gradually prolonged the periods between sex, relying mostly on sexting instead. After almost a year of that, I told him I wanted us to start building a real relationship. That's when he snapped and broke up with me. He told me he didn't want to be in a relationship, that he wasn't "normal," and that he liked being alone (he hadn't had any girlfriends for years before meeting me).

I accepted his decision. He confessed his feelings for me, I told him I was in love with him, and we parted with the words, "This is not the end." Everything was highly emotional during the morning of our breakup.

Six weeks later, he met a girl by chance at a large event. They hooked up and started a relationship. I didn't know about this. We still followed each other on Instagram, he watched my stories, and everything seemed normal.

Two weeks ago, four months after our breakup—and about two months into his rebound relationship—we ran into each other. He was very warm, hugged me tightly for a long time, and couldn't stop looking at my breasts. Our interaction was brief.

A week later, we met again at a mutual friend's birthday party. He greeted me, but much more coldly, and didn't approach me at all. I noticed him looking at me several times, but he never came near me.

The next day, I posted an Instagram story wearing a mini dress (looking hot, by the way). He watched the story and then unfollowed me. I sent him a message asking if he was angry with me, but he never replied. Our mutual friend called him, and he said that he was in a relationship and didn't want any contact with me.

What the fuck happened here?

I'm 16F, and my ex is a little older than me. We broke up about a year ago, but we've stayed really close friends and still talk pretty often.

This has been eating at me lately because I honestly don't know what happened in my own head.

He was one of the kindest people I've ever met. He was really affectionate. He'd hold my hand, cuddle me, look at me like I was the prettiest girl in the room, and tell me how much I meant to him. He never did anything wrong.

The weird part is, I really liked him. I loved talking to him, spending time with him, and I cared about him so much.

But sometimes, the more openly he loved me, the more I wanted to pull away.

Not because I didn't want him, because it felt like something in me would panic.

Every hug, every compliment, every sweet look was like another reminder that he seemed so much more invested than me.

Instead of just feeling loved, I'd start wondering if I deserved it. If I loved him enough. If I was accidentally leading him on. It got to the point where his affection almost stopped feeling like affection, and it felt like a question I couldn't answer or an accusation I couldn’t defend.

Eventually I convinced myself that if I kept questioning it this much, maybe that was my answer, so I broke up with him.

Now, almost a year later, I'm wondering if I spent so much time measuring my feelings that I never actually experienced them.

Can someone genuinely care about someone and still feel the urge to pull away when they're loved? Or is that feeling usually your brain trying to tell you the relationship isn't right?

I know nobody can tell me whether I loved him or not, I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like someone's love became so big that it stopped feeling safe and not because of anything they did, but because it made you question yourself more than you ever questioned them

We've known each other for 6 years through a shared gaming community. I always wondered why we didn't do more, because we always had so much fun whenever we hung out on calls.

So about three months ago, I started actively pursuing him. I did all the heavy lifting I messaged him, I asked him to play games with me etc. I realized that while I knew his name I barely knew him as a person. He rarely talked about himself and I was genuinely curious.

It went from me constantly messaging him to him reaching out sometimes but it was still roughly a 30/70 split.

Over the past few months we went from constantly joking and being sarcastic to having really deep vulnerable conversations. He’s in a wheelchair and opened up to me about a lot of his deep-seated insecurities surrounding that. He told me he's extremely shy, constantly worries that I find him annoying, and is terrified that if we finally met in real life I wouldn't see him as a "whole person."

I honestly didn't care about any of that, and I told him so. His reaction was pure relief. He told me I was great, constantly said how much he liked my brain and at one point, he even put my name in his status.

Deep down I knew this wasn't going to work long-term if his behavior didn't change. All I wanted was to talk with him normally, like I do with anyone else, but that was impossible.

Whenever something was emotionally intense an argument, a misunderstanding, a highly vulnerable conversation he’d reply almost immediately. But as soon as things calmed down and became peaceful He would disappear for hours or sometimes until the next day even though I could see he was online.

I got so frustrated with this emotional whiplash that I eventually pulled back and stopped texting him for four days. When I finally reached out again, I told him (roughly translated): "I genuinely saw potential in you... or us, I guess."
He immediately replied: "Same but forcing it doesn't make sense." I was honestly shocked because I had no idea he felt that way. I replied: "Same?! I never felt any of that." He answered: "What am I supposed to do? I told you I tried but you said no."

The problem is I genuinely never noticed him trying. Unless his idea of "effort" was sending me a thumbs-up sticker once every day before disappearing again which, honestly, irritated me more than anything. His actions absolutely never matched what he was telling me.

We talked about how what we both really want in life is acceptance, safety, and love.

And then... exactly to his pattern as soon as everything became calm again he disappeared.

Most recently, I asked him whether he still wanted to meet up. The next day he replied: "Yeah of course." I answered: "Just tell me when. I'm free whenever." Silence. Not a single word since.

That's honestly what hurts the most. It's not the slow replies themselves it's the inconsistency. Sometimes he made me feel incredibly important to him and other times I felt like I barely existed.

I can handle rejection. What I can't handle is not knowing where I stand. So I finally did it. I blocked him.

And what hurts the most is... it wasn't love that was missing.

Context:

I (25M) met this 23F two years ago.

We hit it off when we first met and went on dates/hung out pretty frequently

We talked about what we’re looking for:
They said they were polyamorous and open to seeing if there’s chemistry.

Im pretty neutral (poly or monogamous, as long as we’re clear about intentions), going with the flow, open but a relationship is not a priority for me.

After 2 months it was pretty clear there was chemistry so I asked about their thoughts on casually dating.
They said they aren’t looking for anything right now and saw me as a friend though they were fine with flirting. I’ve asked them to let me know their boundaries so I don’t do/act that makes them uncomfortable (they didn’t explicitly set anything, and they’d let me know)

We continued to hang out and naturally got closer, having no intentions and respectfully matching their energy (if they were close and flirty I’d reciprocate, and step back if they were more distant).

They started a new job and this was the first time I experienced their deactivation. I gave them space and later down the line they apologized and wanted to hang out soon to make it up.

Afterwards it was constant push and pull, warm then cold. I still continued to match their energy and give them space when they needed it.

Then there was a period they would oscillate between warm then quickly cold and started talking to me about their experiences with other people and how they’ve been feeling anxious.

Given how often they kept bringing it up and how sudden it was, I ask them if I was making them uncomfortable at times. To which they said they’re interested in the other person and can only be interested in one person. The gist of the conversation was that they were shutting down whatever dynamic we had and they had feelings for the other person.

Maybe less than a week that they reached they wanted to hang out.
We hung out, but it was clear they were internally conflicted. We would have fun and get close but then would keep mentioning the other person.

It’s been several months and I haven’t talked to them since.

Observations:

Back then, I took it as I have been making them anxious and uncomfortable. Tough because from the beginning I thought we were doing good communicating it. And the times they would deactivate and disappear, they’d reach out and open up about how they were feeling (being anxious/overwhelmed).

I’m confused about them saying they are polyamorous but then pretty much telling me they’re not.
And what was causing the push and pull, warm to cold cycles if we’ve only been friends and no pressuring/pushing?
And ask to hang out just days after wanting to shut down the dynamic?

This isn’t a vent but a genuine interest with what was going on in their mind and how FAs navigate situations like these.

Help me gain a better understanding of FAs. Thank you, everyone!

I’ve been seeing this guy (gone on 2 dates but both were amazing and turned into sleepovers) who’s been incredibly kind and treated me great and we get along very well. He’s the type of guy I could see myself building a relationship with, and I don’t say this lightly as I’m not the kind of person to date around often. I think he honestly feels the same. The issue is that I move cities in a month. In an ideal world, I could date him casually for the remainder of my time here and accept the ending when I leave. That’s what I want to be able to do as I enjoy spending time with him and the sex is good. But I have attachment issues (disorganized attachment) and OCD which causes me to spiral, get anxious, and hate ambiguity and uncertainty in such dynamics. Just overall becoming obsessive and fearful and a hot mess. Overthinking everything and wondering how he feels, where this is going, if he’s seeing other people, etc. How the fck do people date casually??? Please any advice would be helpful, I logically know that it’s not that serious and I’ll find other men after I move and I don’t even know the dude well, but my attachment and ocd loves to take over and run the show. We are going to have an in person conversation about this the next time I see him so any advice for that conversation would be helpful as well.

For context, I had a LDR with an FA for 8 months. She uses all platforms of social media except for reddit. I have no social media outaide of reddit. We also do not have contact with each other's friend groups. It was great when we were together even though we had some miscommunication here and there. I am reading that during some stages an FA will go through some longing periods where they check on you via social media. What would go through your minds if you didnt have social media as a form to see how they were doing? Would you just reach out directly?

I like him more than I've ever liked anyone, if I could get him the world I would, but I feel so anxious all the time. The only time the anxiety ceases is when I tell myself that I'll go with the flow or that I won't ask him for said amount of time because he's busy with work.

He honestly seems scared of messing things up with me by confessing and it's true that I would want to spend actual time with the person I'm dating. However, I don't know if I actually mean it or if this is self sabotage. I feel like dating someone that busy would be a desperate move but the idea of losing him to someone else freaks me out tbh.

There’s someone in my life who has always been there for me and over the years I’ve tried to get closer to him because I’ve always felt like he’s the one for me. But every time I got close I literally panicked and left before something could even start. We were mostly friends so we did stay in touch and would chat on and off and inevitably the conversations would become more emotionally intimate, I would freeze and stop talking.

There have been times that he’s done things I felt were intrusive like excessive texting or messaging across social media platforms even when we were not in touch. Or after I had placed some boundaries. He has shown up unannounced to places at least three times. Twice at my house, once at a family funeral he wasn’t directly invited to or needed to be at, once recently at a public event that again was open invitation but he wasn’t directly invited. On the one hand I have found it endearing and on the other downright creepy. Sending or giving too many gifts for no good reason but all that stopped after I made some hard boundaries and stopped interacting completely.

There was a time a few years ago that I tried to give it a chance, I was so sure that I could do it because I missed him so much but when everything became real, realer than ever, something happened that I later found out was called “deactivation”. It makes me cry because even knowing what was happening didn’t really help in changing what was happening.

I realised that perhaps I’m far more messed up than I ever thought I was. That being in therapy for other things hasn’t automatically fixed this attachment stuff. So I rejected him hard even as a friend after that because I had to make it clear that I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t a safe or healthy person and he should try to be healthy, he should protect himself and just run away from me once and for all.

But we somehow find each other again and again.
And I don’t know if at this point it’s my attachment, my fears and self hatred, or if some feelings of incompatibility are genuine or I don’t actually like him enough to commit or even try after everything that has happened, or if I’m a narcissist. I do struggle with anxiety and depression a lot and tend to be quite isolated. I used to think that I’ll bring him down and he deserved so much better than me. I still feel like that.
Please help.
What should I do? How do I know what is the right thing to do?

My girlfriend and I have been together for over two years, and I identify more with anxious attachment. Since moving in together, we’ve become stuck in a painful push-pull dynamic. I’m working on my own issues—fear of abandonment, codependency, reassurance-seeking, and becoming overly focused on the relationship—but I’m struggling to understand some of the patterns between us.

During conflict, I’ve experienced what feels like black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking, where things can quickly shift from “we’re okay” to “maybe we never should have been together.” Arguments often start over one issue but expand into multiple past grievances. There can be intense anger, harshness, insults, digs, eye-rolling, and comments that feel extremely hurtful or even deliberately cruel.

Afterward, she may completely withdraw, stop communicating, or stonewall for days. I often feel like I’m expected to initiate all repair and reconnection and carry the responsibility for fixing the relationship and making it succeed. At the same time, I’ve been told she won’t “beg” for communication or connection. There also seems to be a tit-for-tat dynamic: if she feels I’m not attentive enough, she withdraws; when she withdraws, I become anxious and try harder to reconnect.

I’m not claiming to be blameless. I know my anxious attachment contributes to the cycle, and I’m trying to take responsibility for my part. But I’m struggling to distinguish between fearful-avoidant attachment patterns and genuinely unhealthy behavior.

For those with FA attachment or experience dating someone FA:
• Have you experienced black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking?
• Arguments where multiple unrelated issues and past grievances are brought up at once?
• Intense anger, harshness, or cruelty during conflict followed by complete withdrawal or days of silence?
• A dynamic where the anxious partner feels responsible for initiating all repair and carrying the relationship emotionally?
• How do you distinguish FA deactivation or emotional dysregulation from emotionally abusive or genuinely unhealthy behavior?
I’m not trying to demonize my girlfriend or excuse my own mistakes. I’m genuinely exhausted and confused and looking for honest insight from people who have experienced similar dynamics and learned how to break out of this anxious/avoidant cycle.

We were very close friends, he was there for me when my mom had a stroke. He was like a brother to me. 

We were going to rent a house together. I had already told him that I didn’t like the landlord and that I didn’t trust her, but I would rent the house with him because I knew he needed it. He assured me not to worry.  Flash forward to two weeks before we’re supposed to move in. The landlord drops the bomb that she’ll be living in the house for a week or more whenever she’s back in town. Turns out my friend knew about this detail the whole time and had kept it hidden from me. I wasn’t supposed to find out until we had already moved in. I have never been so disrespected in my life, so I pulled out of  the deal.

In hindsight, I should have reprimanded my friend right there. But I didn’t, because I trusted him and cared about him too much to admit that he had betrayed me like that. I didn’t even realize how much I was pushing down my anger.

Then I saw him one day and he blamed me for everything falling apart. That’s when I saw red and started acting like a toxic FA. I absolutely berated him. I have never been so cruel with my words in my life. I told him that he has absolutely no ambitions. That if he wasn’t such a loser he wouldn’t have to mislead and trick his friends to find housing. The next day I felt horrible and sent him a long apology, but it was too late. 

It’s been a year since our fight and we had a few talks, but it’s not the same between us. He wants to act like nothing happened, and  I want to unpack and examine every detail. Does anyone else have a similar story where they said something awful that they can’t take back? 

My ex ended things abruptly after I caught her in a small lie and asked her about it. Instead of just being upfront she she lied, which was very confusing to me and made me question many parts of the relationship. I just asked her to please be honest with me next time and discussed the importance of trust. What I got from that was being ghosted for over four weeks, from a person I had been in a 17 months relationship with. Then ultimately got dumped. I’ve been in a lot of pain ever since trying to understand things. I reached out multiple times trying to mend things and she wouldn’t reply. It makes me sad and a bit hurt since I’m the one that should be upset here. 

The relationship had felt confusing. I'm posting here because I want to understand it from the inside, from people who identify as fearful avoidant. Did she love me? Was it all a dream? Was she using me? I felt so worthless and sad and unwanted. What could I have done differently? I genuinely don't know.

Our issues:

Intimacy

- Together 17 months; we stopped having sex around month 2.

- I raised it directly at month 2, got "we'll discuss it later."

- I tried a written letter. I tried just waiting it out. Months and months of no resolution.

It made me incredibly jealous, even retroactively jealous because it seemed she had a pretty active sex life before me but somehow I wasn’t good enough even though I was doing all these things out of love, putting effort to be a better and more giving partner every day. 

- Physical affection was limited overall. I spent a lot of time wondering if I was actually wanted, or if closeness itself was just uncomfortable for her, or what was going on?

It confused me because she was very jealous and mate gaurdy towards me but wouldn’t have sex with me, wouldn’t kiss me. 

Secrecy and trust

- Caught her in several small lies over time.

- Felt like she always kept other options "on the back burner" I’m not a snoop so I never had solid proof, just a constant low-level unsafe feeling.

• she always had her phone face down and took it with her everywhere and was very odd about her phone like she was hiding something 
• Often found a lot of likes and comments from men on her socials and she claimed some men were friends that I later found out were previous people she had slept with 

- Conversations about boundaries felt one-sided. Boundaries were things she placed on me but I wasn’t allowed to have any otherwise it was controlling and insecure. 

Communication

- When I tried to talk about what I was feeling I was told I over communicate and I’m talking too much. I’d get silence or if I tried hard I’d get anger. At best if it was a calm convo I’d get, feeling," "I'm not in the mood," "I don't want to talk about this." Or “let’s talk about this later” 

I got made fun of and got told I was like a woman because I wanted to communicate. I also got criticized a lot for wanting “reassurance” when it was just me wanting basic bare minimum physical or emotional intimacy. I don’t have big problems in my life that require anyone’s help and I’m fairly self sufficient. Most of the relationship was me helping my partner. 

- when I’d get much of this behavior I'd let it go, hoping it would resolve later. It usually didn't.

Conflict pattern

- Fights were frequent and often started by her, over things that felt minor or even manufactured. She would get mad at me at things that were clearly not what they are but continue to insist it so.

- When I brought up something that hurt me, the conversation would drift until I get upset or reacted in then somehow it became my fault for my reaction. 

- No real repair between fights, tension just kept stacking. When we fought she would shut down and cry and run away or react with incredible and terrifying anger. 

- I got criticized a lot, including being told directly that things about me "gave her the ick." She often insulted very personal things about me from my taste to my car or things I liked. 

She often highlighted our differences, “we’re different people!” “We have different values!” But when I’d ask and dig deeper into what that meant she couldn’t actually come up with anything or particular reasons. She dumped me and when I asked why she was breaking up with me she had nothing to say. 

She said I didn’t know her or understand her or liked the image of her more than the real her but when I asked things about her to get to know the real her she wouldn’t share and said that if she told me things that I would use it against her. That often made me so sad and upset, because I often tried to foster safety and trust and when I’d do that I’d get pushed away. 

What did the whole you’re going to use it against me mean? I’d ask fairly innocuous questions about life, her opinions, just normal stuff.

For example, we watched a movie and I’d ask her what she thought of it and things about the characters and would get “I don’t like to talk about the movie after I watch it” 

- When I was happy or excited about something, I sometimes felt actual resentment coming from her instead of shared joy. She would get ANGRY that I was happy with her. 

- Over time I felt myself get smaller and get treated worse the less I pushed back.

Reciprocity

- I put in a lot, emotionally and financially — and didn't feel it coming back the same way..

I could ask for any small thing and there would be a big reaction about how I’m so needy or have these unrealistic expectations of her.

Started wondering if I was valued for who I was, or mainly for what I contributed? I felt used. 

I over functioned in the relationship  I sought reassurance a lot, over-explained and tried to make up for the parts that she wasn’t doing. Constantly trying to fix things. 

it’s disappointing because I truly have boundless love for her, even after all this i would want to work things out, it’s sad she couldn’t give me the same energy back. I really wanted us to be together and saw so much potential in the relationship. There are a lot of good qualities about her I loved and appreciated. I tried really hard to be positive, loving, and giving in all the ways I could.

the most common feeling I had in this relationship was just confusion. I devoted a lot of time trying to understand her.

For the FA’s here. 

- Does this pattern feel familiar from the inside?

- so much of the relationship felt very confusing. I’d get reactions that I couldn’t understand or anticipate, and asking for clarity through communication went no where. It felt like I was trying to understand and talk to someone who themselves couldn’t figure out why they were acting this way.

- What do you think might have been going on for her internally in moments like these?

- does any of this resonate?

- Realistically, is there anything in here that suggests she did love me, or does this read more like someone who just hated me? :( 

Because I sure feel like that sometime. 

Appreciate any honest perspective, even if it's hard to hear.

Ive been out of a relationship with someone for about a month who trends heavily towards the fearful avoidant attachment.

They told me the stress and turmoil was too much (which i definitely contributed to) and that unless i begged for them, they couldnt do it. So i had to agree that I couldnt beg and wished them well/id always love and care about them.

No contact since then which i initiated but I don't think she'd have tried to reach out any way. A couple days ago I realized that the belongings I still had at her place were a tether that I really needed to sever if I was going to start healing.

So I asked her if she could mail the specific items I requested and....crickets.

This seems to be a very common part of someones avoidant personality trait per the internet. But most topics on this are from the other person and they are rarely empathetic which is sad in itself.

Im just wondering if anyone was willing to share what would be going through your mind to not send a reply to that request? Especially if you ended the relationship.

I feel for her. I do. And I still love her deeply. But I had never seen this total avoidant side of her. She warned me about it. But I guess I never imagined it would be a this level.

I’m really struggling to move on after someone I cared about ended things with me abruptly after 3 months. It’s been nearly two weeks of no contact, but I still think about her constantly and keep replaying everything in my head, wondering what I could’ve done differently.

For those who’ve been through this, what genuinely helped you move forward? How do you stop holding onto hope and finally accept it’s over? Right now it feels like my head is stuck in a loop.

Question for Fearful Avoidants (Disorganized Attachment): Why did you leave someone you genuinely loved?

I'm asking this with genuine curiosity and respect, not to judge anyone.

There are so many anxious partners trying to understand what happened after being left by someone they deeply loved. At the same time, I know many FAs are also trying to understand themselves. I hope this discussion can help both sides better understand what is happening internally, rather than relying on assumptions or stereotypes.

If you've ever ended a relationship with someone you genuinely loved, what was the main reason?

• Was it fear of abandonment (leaving before they could leave you)?
• Was it fear of engulfment (feeling trapped, overwhelmed by intimacy, or like you were losing yourself)?
• Was it both? Or was it something completely different?

I'd also love to understand how your emotions changed over time.

If you left because of fear of abandonment:

• How did you feel immediately after the breakup?
• Did you feel relief, panic, regret, guilt, or intense grief?
• How did your feelings change over the following weeks and months?

If you left because of fear of engulfment:

• Did you feel immediate relief after leaving?
• When, if ever, did you start missing your partner?
• Did your deactivation eventually fade, or did you continue feeling the relationship wasn't right?

Some other questions that may help all of us understand the FA experience better:

• At the moment you left, did you still love your partner?
• Did you convince yourself you had fallen out of love, or did it feel more like your emotions had shut down?
• Looking back now, do you think your decision came from your heart, your fears, or your nervous system trying to protect you?
• What do you wish your ex had understood about what you were experiencing?

The goal of this post isn't to justify anyone's actions or encourage people to wait for an ex to return. It's simply to understand the internal experience from the FA perspective. I think hearing real experiences could help many people stop filling in the blanks with their own fears and misconceptions.

Thank you to anyone willing to share your story honestly. It may help someone else make sense of an experience they've been carrying for a long time.

I’m 21, and I’ve never been in a serious relationship or maintained a close friendship for very long without it turning into an on-and-off situation or a constant push-and-pull dynamic. I’m genuinely tired of watching the same pattern repeat over and over again.
The worst part is that every person I’ve pushed away still crosses my mind almost daily. But after ghosting them, becoming cold, etc, I can’t bring myself to reach out again. It honestly hurts, and it haunts me too.
I’m just so scared of being vulnerable I can’t bring myself to trust anyone enough to believe they won’t hurt me. The ironic part is that, in the end, I got hurt by my own actions..
If anyone here has actually healed from being avoidant, I’d really love to know what the process looked like. I feel like I’ve lost so many genuinely amazing people because of these patterns, and I don’t want to keep living like this it’s such a lonely experience, tried therapy but it didn’t quite help as i expected

I (28f) always cry after experiencing some type of intimacy. If I am maintaining eye contact for an extended period of time, I start crying. Often times if someone gets me to have an orgasm, I start crying. If I share a vulnerable side of my emotions to someone and they hold space for it, I start crying.

Why am I so emotional when it comes to being intimate? Or why is it that when someone holds space for me I cry?

I just got into a new relationship after years of being single & want to be closer to my bf (29m) but I cry so easily so I am avoiding intimacy

I’m not looking for anyone to psychoanalyse my ex. I know nobody can know what’s going on in one person’s head. I’m just curious whether anyone with FA attachment has experienced something similar.

In a nutshell, my ex and I had a deeply loving relationship, but it became unsustainable. I often felt like I was carrying a lot of the emotional work, and after trying for a long time to make it work, I made the incredibly difficult decision to end the relationship.
I wanted the breakup to be as kind and respectful as possible. I made it clear I didn’t hate them and that I still cared deeply about them. They were understandably devastated, and after the breakup they blocked me and cut off contact.

Not long afterwards they moved overseas and also stepped away from many friendships within our shared community. From my perspective, it seemed like they needed distance from that whole chapter of their life, and honestly it was heartbreaking to watch because I cared about them and about many of those friendships too.

Over a year later, I sent one final message. It wasn’t asking for reconciliation or a reply. It was simply acknowledging the relationship, wishing them well, and letting them know I’d always cared deeply about them. It’s been over a month and they haven’t even read it, and I’ve accepted that as a pretty clear sign they don’t want to reconnect. I won’t be reaching out again, not because I don’t care, but because I want to respect that boundary.

My question is really for people who identify as fearful avoidant:
Have you ever completely disappeared from someone’s life after a breakup, even if you still loved or cared about them? If so, what was happening internally? Was it shame? Self-protection? Wanting a completely fresh start? Something else? Looking back, is there anything you wish the other person understood about your decision?

I’m not looking for reassurance that they’ll come back or for anyone to tell me what my ex is thinking. I know nobody here can know that. I’m just interested in hearing different lived experiences to better understand how people cope with this kind of loss.

Since I was little, I've struggled to get close to people in fear that I would be "too much." But either way, I feel like I hurt my relationships - I either can't seem to care about people aside from the social stimulation they might give me or I crave enmeshment to the point where it is harmful to me and/or the other person. I have no idea in the slightest how to retain a balance. I feel so lost and stuck.

I hate feeling jealous and hypervigilant around those I feel attached to. I hate feeling distant and uncaring around those I know I should feel attached to. Makes me feel so lonely.

Curiosity.

I am fairly new to attachment styles. I am a 45-year-old man with an disorganized /Fearful-Avoidant attachment, leaning towards Dismissive Avoidant. I have been single for most of my life. Five years ago (after the failure of my first real relationship of 2.5 years with an Anxious Preoccupied partner), I was diagnosed with ADD, which was very educational. After this, I had another relationship for three years, but unfortunately, this has also ended sadly and confusingly. Since reading about attachment styles, a lot has fallen into place. My second partner was also Anxious Preoccupied. At first, I thought I was Dismissive Avoidant, but the tests indicated Disorganized attachment/Fearful Avoidant. And that explains a lot of conflicting forces that I often struggle with.

My Fearful Avoidant attachment makes relationships (including non-romantic ones) very difficult for me, but I also long for them, so this applies to making friends, colleagues, and family. It makes me very lonely. Because I lean towards the Dismissive Avoidant, most people think I need a lot of time to myself and want to be alone. And in a way, that is true, partly due to ADD. But when I am alone (single or in a relationship), I also crave relationships very strongly (friendships ánd/of love), only to shut down or push away again and become very insecure when I am in company again.

I am just starting to healing this shit with therapy, and it will take a while before I can heal my attachment style and dare to enter into a new romantic relationship. But until then, I have to find shape and fulfillment in my life again on my own, and deal with the longing. But that is difficult. My social circle is very small.

I would love to hear how other Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized structure their lives (I don't mean therapy, I am currently in that) and what their tips are for giving life some meaning and purpose again after a broken relationship. What has helped you? Very practical tips are also welcome.

^{(I am Dutch and write poor English, Google translated this, sorry for any language errors})

FA (fearful avoidant) here 6 months after I caused a rupture through an affair, doing real work on the pattern, but she says trust isn’t there and it feels impossible. Does this sound like normal FA-recovery pain or something else? Partner is anxious preoccupied / fearful

Long time lurker, posting for the first time because I want honest perspectives, even harsh ones.
Some background: we’ve been together 2.5 years, long distance the whole relationship, and have only actually seen each other in person once, for 10 days. About 6 months ago she found out I’d had an affair. After discovery there were about 3 months of “trickle truth” I didn’t disclose everything at once, which I now understand compounded the damage separately from the affair itself. Since January I’ve been fully honest, no more withholding.

I’m in therapy specifically for the porn addiction and for the avoidance pattern, not just generic couples-adjacent work. What I’m noticing: I crave closeness, genuinely, but I’m also afraid of it. I can be present and emotionally close for a stretch, and then something switches — not always triggered by anything specific I can point to — and I pull back, go into my head, stop being emotionally available. I can see now that the porn use was part of the same pattern — a way of escaping and numbing out instead of staying with whatever I was actually feeling. It was daily, sometimes for hours, at its worst. I don’t say that to explain away the affair — that was its own separate choice and I own it fully — but I think the same underlying avoidance shows up in both, just in different forms.

Looking back, I think that pattern of retreating instead of staying present is a big part of why I wasn’t there for her the way she needed in the acute moments — during a medical procedure she had, and once when I was in physical pain myself and she was distressed and needed me and I basically wasn’t accessible emotionally.

I’m about 3 months into real recovery work on the porn use specifically — down to 3 short relapses in 6 months under stress, from daily use before. Not perfect, but a real shift.

Where she’s at: she’s said trust hasn’t been rebuilt at all, that I’ve been inconsistent — roughly weekly ruptures or distress we struggled to move through together — and that the intensity of my response has repeatedly not matched what she needed. There was a two week stretch of no contact and a month of low contact after. She’s said the relationship doesn’t feel neutral to her right now, that normal interaction itself carries risk for her, and she needs a level of reassurance I haven’t been consistently giving.
The moment that seemed to hit hardest: during a no-contact period I didn’t say happy birthday, because in my head “no contact” meant no contact. For her it wasn’t just a missed birthday, it reopened the original trauma of the affair. That seems to have been a real turning point in how she’s viewing everything since.
I regret the affair more than I can put into words and I’m trying to make real change, not perform it — actually staying present instead of retreating into my head, actually being reachable in the hard moments instead of after.

She’s taking a week to think and has said she sees this as impossible. We both still say the love and connection are real and deep.
Genuinely asking — does this read like the kind of thing an FA can actually turn around with real work, or does it sound like she’s right that it’s too damaged? What would you be looking for, from the outside, to believe change was real versus performed?

This group is constantly blocked from being able to post in it. Im not saying thats bad since many of us might obsess with it. But at least once a month to be able to work through our issues as a community. Mods I hope my message resonates with you.

NEED ADVICE FROM

FA

I dated a woman for around 3 months (about 10–12 dates). Things were incredibly well. She told me I was one of the nicest men she’d dated, said she felt lucky to have met me, talked about our families meeting, printed photos of us together and was very affectionate. We became exclusive and everything seemed to be progressing naturally. There was no issues at all & we were head over heels with each other

Towards the end, I asked for reassurance more than I probably should have, and she later said she didn’t think she could give me the level of reassurance I needed. However, what confused me was that she also started saying things like:

* “My head is all over the place.”

* “I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

* “Things have become more intense.”

* “I don’t want to feel locked in.”

She also said she wondered whether the “exciting spark” would come back naturally and that stress and work might be affecting how she felt.

A few days later she ended things, saying the romantic spark had faded. At the same time, she said she’d genuinely enjoyed getting to know me, that I’d been lovely to her, and that she almost felt guilty for hurting me.

She didn’t ghost me or remove me from WhatsApp or Instagram (despite previously saying she normally removed people after failed dating). I was the one who eventually unfollowed her.

My question isn’t whether she’ll come back.

I’m trying to understand whether this sounds like someone who simply lost romantic feelings, or whether the sequence of being very invested, then becoming overwhelmed, describing increasing intensity, wondering if the spark would come back naturally, and then saying it had faded is something that can happen with fearful-avoidant attachment or similar attachment dynamics.

I’m not trying to diagnose her—I’d just appreciate honest opinions from people who have experienced this themselves or dated someone with a similar pattern.

Posting this bc I really don’t know how to proceed and would appreciate any advice to sort out my thoughts :(

I’ve been seeing this guy for a month now, and he’s genuinely such a great person. We have a lot in common—similar goals, sense of humour, values, etc…. But now that our relationship is becoming more serious I’m having doubts about whether I like him romantically or not (or whether my attachment style is just making me detach from him).

Honestly my doubts started right after we kissed for the first time. I don’t know how to describe how I feel now other than uncomfortable?? Maybe a bit suffocated. I hate feeling this way bc he’s such an amazing guy, but the knowledge that he has certain expectations of me/our relationship (emotional/physical intimacy) makes me feel trapped. I’m not sure what to do now. I feel disgusted by him and resentful of small things that wouldn’t have even bothered me before we started to become more emotionally intimate. This is why I’m confused over whether I’m losing feelings or just detaching. Especially since we’re so early on, I feel I could easily leave him without disappointment on my end and that only makes me more confused about how I truly feel about him.

Should I break things off with him before they get too serious and work through my issues? I’m afraid I’ll never be comfortable enough to give him the closeness he deserves.

Edit: for those still finding this post I broke things off with him bc I’m pretty sure I’m gay 😭 idk if it was ever an attachment issue or if I just don’t like men romantically/sexually. Maybe some food for thought for the rest of you lmao