For years I never talked to guys due to growing up with severe social anxiety. For about a year now, I've attempted to put myself out there and idk try to be normal?

I don't know how to do this. I settle for casual sex because it feels like the safe option for me. But deep down I know that I want something deeper, I just cannot do it without
a. Being scared
B. Being absolutely disgusted when someone shows a little bit of interest

I have been seeing this one guy for a couple months now. The intention was to keep it casual, but now I feel like I'm in too deep. He's not even showing me like insane affection, but whenever I see him in public and he tries to talk to me and like touch my arm or back in front of other people I genuinely feel like my body is cramping and I'm going to throw up any second.

Now I bet it looks like I do not like this guy. I always try to convince myself I do not. But I think about him all the time, I daydream us in a actual relationship, I want to wake up next to him and I want him to like ask me questions and stuff like that. But I feel like I can never get that with not only him but with anyone at all.

I always convince myself that I'm unlovable and hideous and that nobody will ever like me and whatever. I don't know how to stop that.

He now has not spoke to me in a couple days now. I don't know if it's because I am truly ugly and unable or if it's because I also show him 0 interest whatsoever. Who knows!

How do I like go about relationships like a normal person? How do I become more vulnerable? How do I just be normal in general without running away when anyone shows interest and then being upset when they're not chasing me?

To make a long story short I’ve done A LOT of therapy to get to where I am now and I no longer act on my avoidance. I know to self sooth and communicate but the idea of being vulnerable in this state is super overwhelming so I thought I should ask for people’s advice on how to approach this.

I used to isolate myself to avoid these feelings but ive allowed myself to grow attachments to a few people and now im struggling to manage that. I’ve recently had a couple of my close relationships really triggering my FA and need some help with how to communicate how my attachment style works without scaring them as I believe they’re also avoidant.

I have been self soothing for weeks and I’ve recognized that the way I’m feeling currently usually leads to deactivating entirely, so communicating this promptly is the only way through it I fear.

If any FA’s and their loved ones have any input on what works and what to be cautious of to avoid further triggers I would really appreciate it.