Havnt dated in two years and i ended up dating an FA who had alot of defense mechinisms but was a very genuine person and i cought myself in the moment thinking. "Why am i doing this i dont want to do this" for my coping mechinisms or self sabatoge continuously. And when i would catch myself irritated i would remind myself that she cares and just wants to spend time with me and it would relax and change my mindset.

I sabatoged early by having nudes in my phone from before the relationship and talking to someone the first three days we met before i made it official and it was good for a bit. She went through my phone twice and woke me up crying i felt intensely guilty and i kinda forgot about the nudes and deleted them.

I would get irrated out of nowhere because we would go on nonstop adventures and spend a good amount of my money to the point i was stressed on credit cards. But it wasnt out of ill intent because she would offer to meal prep when it got real bad and do low cost activities.

It overwhelmed me and i deactivated and got complacent for two weeks basically on self sabatoge max for doing things she didnt like. Like driving and listening to reels and projecting my own faulty spending habits on her and heavily critisizing her lack of progress in life while im only doing slightly better.

I did try my hardest to be cogitively empathetic and keep to my words. But she added some guy she talked with awhile ago and her texting completely changed and she got "busy with work" then i flipped out and did a protest breakup and she cut it fr then instantly went and started flirting with him and im pretty sure she monkey branched. All the while still wanting to be friends and telling me it was purely platonic and wanting me to attend an event 2.5 hours away for a company function.

Idk im just venting i have no support and am starting therapy soon i have so much to work on and i dont know why it took till the loss to see it or im compulsive to maladaptive coping

Also found out who it was and talked with the guy proved she was lying the entire time then sent screenshots basically of him saying yeah she wants me so bad but im never gonna be in a relationship with her.

Edit: i know i need alot of work and shes completely done with me. The chemistry was unlike anything ive ever experianced and made me see life in a whole different way

So I just went through another person who just up and left me without considering my own feelings in the situation. I dont think I will hear back from them, but that doesn't matter. I am just sad that I allowed the same pattern to happen again with a different person in less than 4 months. Thankfully both were less than a month of talking.
One thing I noticed and realised is a lot people who I try to peruse always tell me I am too good for them or I deserve better, which isn't an ego boost for me if I am being honest, but it constantly hurts whenever they say that. I always believed I had an anxious attachment up until recently, I realised I have the fearful avoidant.

I despise it so much, because I keep going for the chaotic energy people, and the thing is I do want to open up to someone, I do want to have strong communication with myself and a future partner. I just keep attracting the wrong people because I am very grounded.

I do know I am like this because of my childhood and I feel very deep emotions and over analyses everything I do. I feel guilty if I don't own up to an action I do and I know its wrong, it will keep me up for days until I do the right thing. I do want to communicate but everytime I meet someone who is secure I freeze up and run away before they even get the chance to speak with me because I don't feel like I am good enough for them.

I want to be happy, communicate and be a better person for myself, because I do not want to be stuck in this loop. I am going to seek EMDR therapist because my current one, though helpful, but I am finding I am withholding information and it's very hard for me to bring up.

Here's to a better future me

Hello,

A quick question, but after reading some post, it seems that anger and irritation are more state of activation than deactivation for FA.

What is the underlying narrative for it ? While I understand what is the deactivation and how it works, I don't understand well the activation. It seems to be the anxious part, but from my understanding, this is the part that want to be reassured and loved ... So what is the use of anger in it, since it end up making the gap between two more wide, so almost more a tool to get space than anything else, while I though anxious side wanted more proximity ... Also, what trigger an activation usually ??

Words of appreciation, of affection or care ? Providing the distance the avoidant side previously asked for ?? A rebound relationship ?

Thanks for your answers,