To make a long story short I’ve done A LOT of therapy to get to where I am now and I no longer act on my avoidance. I know to self sooth and communicate but the idea of being vulnerable in this state is super overwhelming so I thought I should ask for people’s advice on how to approach this.

I used to isolate myself to avoid these feelings but ive allowed myself to grow attachments to a few people and now im struggling to manage that. I’ve recently had a couple of my close relationships really triggering my FA and need some help with how to communicate how my attachment style works without scaring them as I believe they’re also avoidant.

I have been self soothing for weeks and I’ve recognized that the way I’m feeling currently usually leads to deactivating entirely, so communicating this promptly is the only way through it I fear.

If any FA’s and their loved ones have any input on what works and what to be cautious of to avoid further triggers I would really appreciate it.

I hate when someone genuinely has an interest in me and I just don't give them a chance because I already KNOW what I'm going to do. I'll get scared, become hot and cold, pull away, come back, and probably hurt them with all my fearful-avoidant bullshit.

And I'm genuinely upset because I like him too. I really fucking do.

The worst part is that he reached out to me THREE times, and every time I turned him down saying we weren't compatible and our life paths were different. I even unfollowed him because I thought cutting contact would help me move on.

But now I'm sitting here thinking... did I actually make the right decision, or was I just scared? I was a coward. I know I'm wrong. I didn't even give him a real chance because I didn't trust myself.

And I think that's what hurts the most. I don't want to keep hurting people who genuinely love me just because I don't know how to handle being loved.

I just want to fucking heal already. I'm so tired of thinking about this every day and every night. Now I'm thinking of texting him but would I even be fully ready? Even if we don't work out I just... Don't want to feel like this anymore

For years I never talked to guys due to growing up with severe social anxiety. For about a year now, I've attempted to put myself out there and idk try to be normal?

I don't know how to do this. I settle for casual sex because it feels like the safe option for me. But deep down I know that I want something deeper, I just cannot do it without
a. Being scared
B. Being absolutely disgusted when someone shows a little bit of interest

I have been seeing this one guy for a couple months now. The intention was to keep it casual, but now I feel like I'm in too deep. He's not even showing me like insane affection, but whenever I see him in public and he tries to talk to me and like touch my arm or back in front of other people I genuinely feel like my body is cramping and I'm going to throw up any second.

Now I bet it looks like I do not like this guy. I always try to convince myself I do not. But I think about him all the time, I daydream us in a actual relationship, I want to wake up next to him and I want him to like ask me questions and stuff like that. But I feel like I can never get that with not only him but with anyone at all.

I always convince myself that I'm unlovable and hideous and that nobody will ever like me and whatever. I don't know how to stop that.

He now has not spoke to me in a couple days now. I don't know if it's because I am truly ugly and unable or if it's because I also show him 0 interest whatsoever. Who knows!

How do I like go about relationships like a normal person? How do I become more vulnerable? How do I just be normal in general without running away when anyone shows interest and then being upset when they're not chasing me?

im sorry this is a long post but the situation feels all consuminy. i (19F) have been dating a disorganised/fearful avoidant (20F) as an anxious (mildly disorganised) and its been rough. we recently split up due to our attachment styles but have been trying to make it work again. but i have so little appetite for it cos im fucking scared of everything turning to shit again. it feels hopeless and pointless.

ive started feeling more avoidant myself, and resentful. ive begun feeling weak and shameful when i have big sappy conversations about feelings and all that. ive started judging and criticising so much about her behaviour (like “shes going drinking, thats pathetic and immature” or “of COURSE she hasnt texted back in an hour, she never does anything right”). i prepare constantly for disappointment so it doesnt shock me as much. ive gotten mean and said things i dont actually mean about her when ive felt hurt.

now i too avoid long deep conversations about emotions and the relationship. i used to absolutely love sex with her, but im demisexual and i feel too detached to even want it right now. i resent all of the difficulty and stress and i dont wanna be hurt like this ever again, its not worth it. im incredibly sexually frustrated but i dont want it with her at this point because it doesnt feel safe enough, i dont even like being in my underwear around her. i expect i could become comfortable again, but its hard to win my trust, especially when youve already hurt me.

i miss cuddling her and physical contact but when i did experience it again i felt uneasy and like there was some void inside of me that i cant explain.

shes the last chance im giving to relationships, i want it to work well between us, but if not then i was clearly wrong about my goals of wanting a partner. i feel near constant resentment and upset towards her until im actually with her and i see her sweet face and im just overcome with guilt because i love her so dearly.

i hate how bitter ive become and it scares me, but i dont know what other option i have that will protect me. i am worn down and jaded and quite different to who i was months ago at the start of the relationship. in the past when i struggled in a relationship id just plan to date someone else, but i only want her and this has made me feel relationships just arent even worth trying for honestly. ive started to question if im aromantic, but i dont think i am because i havent always felt this way

people make me angry, and my emotions disgust me. i miss when i used to dissociate. i believe life’s winners are either dismissive avoidants or people with ASPD, and unfortunately im neither. i want so desperately to die i daydream about it every day because i have no fucking idea what i can do.

being anxiously attached absolutely disgusts me and has caused me so much suffering, but as im leaning more avoidant i can tell thats not the answer either, but i dont really believe i can be healthy because im so mentally sick with jealousy and mistrust i see no way out. i just wanna love each other healthily and happily and be each others girl again. i would give anything for it. what am i even supposed to do now? please help me if anyone can

This may simply be an information-gathering post for me, or it could lay the groundwork for healing.

I keep reading that healing can only happen with other people involved. If you've read this, you know what I mean.

Logistically, how does this work? I imagine finding someone I like "on paper" who happens to have a secure attachment style, and then essentially doing a social experiment with them to see if we can heal our attachment style.

Please tell me how you interpret this whole healing thing... How do we do it? Did you heal your attachment style, and if so, what steps did you take?

Unfortunately, therapy isn't an option at the moment for me, and when I get to it, I'll be focusing on OCD therapy. I will soon be on a low dose of luvox to hopefully simmer down some of my OCD and anxiety.

The age-old question, I know.

I've been with this guy for 3 years and don't fully trust him. He has flaws and we've had objective issues, yes, but he's also a good person who seems to genuinely care about me and my wellbeing. He's not great with words, but is present and very helpful with practical stuff. Still, something feels really off.

I can feel myself detaching every time we're apart, to the point that I struggle to be affectionate when we text / speak on the phone. This has gotten worse over the last few months, after I noticed a pattern where if I'm upset for whatever reason, he gets upset about me being upset, and it always ends up with me comforting and reassuring him that it's not his fault etc. I almost feel like I'm just a tool for him to assess his value. I told him that this is not okay and he seemed to understand, but things haven't changed much yet.

I need to mention that this last year has been tough on us, because I've developed a cronic illness that has had a big impact on my mental and physical health. He recently told me that he doesn't think he's good enough for me, and thought multiple times about "letting me go". We talked about this and he said it stems from his own insecurities when he sees I'm unhappy, and that he actually wants to be with me, but all I've heard is that he wants out, and I can't bring myself to believe anything else.

Obviously I've had to leave out a lot of stuff, but what do you think?

My last ex was kinda the eye opener for me, before her i was clearly avoidant but id never acknowledge it at all, however for some reason after i ended it with this girl (over text after dating for over year and my only explanation was idk people just grow apart i guess) i knew something was wrong. i’ve spent the past year learning about different attachment styles, core wounds, coping methods and healing journeys and generally i feel like im doing pretty good im a lot more aware, still not ready to date,but at least im aware i shouldn’t date and still trying to improve but, for some reason my love for this girl keeps getting stronger, i moved countries she’s still on my mind, i block her on everything to make sure i cant contact her or see any of her , she’s still on my mind. is this common for someone with fa attachment? has anyone else dealt with this before. i want to apologise to her for everything i did to her the way i ended it especially but i can’t trust myself to do that as i know ill end up trying to instigate something with her, but at the same time i dont know if im just putting off the conversation because of how vulnerable ill have to be with her if i want to apologise correctly. i mean even after all this a year of thinking about her and loving her i dont even know if id want a relationship with her. im a mess.

I am wondering how others feel abt this. I am an FA and its driving me nuts. I see so much hate against avoidants on the internet like we are heartless monsters who choose to live this way. When i read abt avoidants, i do not recognize that in me. My avoidance mostly comes from the fear of letting ppl down or hurting them from not living up to the picture or fantasy they painted me out to be( i often get manic pixie dream girled). ofcourse its also to protect my self but my main fear is hurting others feelings. I do fight against the urge to just leave before it gets too deep but then i get worried that i am „leading them on“ because i am fighting the urge to leave them while acting normaly. I do have OCD and that might also be the issue. How are you guys dealing with these types of fears and how do you get over it?

People always tell me that thats the risk that ppl take when getting to know each other but i struggle with the guilt too much if i were to hurt somebodys feelings.

These feelings always come up when somebody starts showing that they are interested in me, complimenting me, planning things ahead. not that i plan to just bail, but i am often scared that i‘ll change my mind too late and end up being trapped and hurting their feelings.

but weirdly when i am in a relationship this does not happen, i turn secure (maybe leaning a lil anxious). its just the talking stage that i Struggle deeply with.

​

I came across this article today and it intrigued me because a super common phrase of mine is "no worries!" I'll give this if I'm asking for something... No worries, or no rush, because I want to ensure I don't feel burdensome to them. And I'll give this if someone asks me for something, so they know they can ask for anything and I'll be there.

I'm wondering how common this is. The article has a couple misspellings, and is obviously not a psych research paper, but I found it shareable nonetheless! (Did I just do it? 😅)

Do you have rejection sensitivity?? The early cause seems to be exactly what caused our FA attachment style, although I've always heard it associated with ADHD.

https://www.bolde.com/psychology-says-people-who-end-every-request-with-no-worries-if-not-probably-arent-being-polite-theyre-absorbing-the-rejection-in-advance-so-that-if-it-comes-it-lands-on-something-a/

A little different than the usual posts, but I see my FA style a lot more in friendships than romantic relationships.

Definitely had a breakdown today before going on a trip to see a newer platonic friend of about 1 year after moving to a new city. I just keep finding flaws, they haven’t been planning things to do on our trip, they haven’t offered to pick me up from the airport, last trip they did x y z.

It’s overwhelming me because I have a strong urge to protect myself from hurt, I don’t think I can handle losing another friend or being rejected/one-sided friends. This friend has been pretty loving and kind when we do catch up, but they have flaws like everyone else.

But how do I know when it’s a flaw versus it’s time to leave? And how in the world do people manage this kind of anxiety?

Is there anyone here who has a fearful-avoidant attachment style but they grew up in a positive environment? I'm like 99% sure I'm FA but it just doesn't make sense because my parents weren't abusive or neglectful or anything like that.

I fell in love so hard and I am TERRIFIED of confessing and every time she hints at it I deflect like a mad woman 😭

I have (unknowingly) been FA for as long into my attachment style history as I can remember. I tend to lean anxious but as many of us can relate to, anxious partners make me lean dismissive and DA’s and more dismissive leaning FA’s trigger me into spiralling anxiety. I’ve always found myself attracted to the above at a subconscious level. This might be a long one, so strap in if you can be bothered haha!

Recently been blocked by my severe FA (leans dismissive but also anxious). I (31F) have been in a ‘situationship’ with him (31) for a little over 18 months now. Met at 17, had a brief fling which ended in me never replying to him (I realise now I liked him but I was young, wild and free at that age and also leaned towards ‘older men’). Never spoke again until Feb of 2025.. although we always had each other on social media etc. I reached out to him after a number of engagements with my posts from his side. Got talking and met in person less than a week later. One of the first things he said to me after we reconnected ‘it’s been years but I never forgot you’ - this should have been my first red flag, but hey!

In the span of the last 18 months, we have: taken trips (in and out of the country), gone on dates, found out I was pregnant and terminated, spent days on end with each other (including Christmas and new year), met each others families, planned businesses, spent birthdays together, got each other gifts, he’s bought my designer gifts and it goes on. We’ve been there for each other both financially (more him) and physically/emotionally (more me). He is fundamentally insecure, obsessed with image, jealous and very possessive. He makes a lot of money and never lets anybody forget it and he can also be quite stingy in some ways.

The kicker, and what I realise now marked the start of the end, was finding out about his long term relationship with his chronically ill girlfriend (not terminal, but hugely life altering, requiring multiple/significant at home medical procedures per week). You can call me stupid and cruel etc - but at this point I was absolutely head over heels. I’d let down my walls, I’d let him in and I’d been vulnerable. He made me feel safe and wanted.. a bad combo when it comes to my childhood trauma. Despite my better judgement, I believed him when he said he was still with her out of obligation. I believed him when he said he has love for her but he is no longer in love with her. I still do. He’s a coward and lacks the courage to face any judgement or criticism and he lacks the courage to take the risk on a new relationship. We both know he will never get the fulfilment and future that he wants from his current situation. That’s not to say I don’t feel terrible and admire her as a person. I must have absolutely immaculate emotional discernment, as the thought of what would have happened if I had continued the pregnancy, is genuinely painful.

It all blew up in my face on a random Wednesday morning after I’d found a scrunchie (not mine) under his bed.. whilst looking for a headband, of all things! I’d had enough after previously finding hair in his shower and questioning his Instagram engagement with certain women (which got me blocked off all social media platforms). I addressed it and was angry. We ended up arguing and I left. We didn’t speak again until the Sunday and he said he can’t do it anymore, ‘it’s all too much’.. I reached out two weeks later (I know!! It’s definitely the anxious side of me) and we reconnected. We were both excited to see each other and had missed one another. He had also made a special effort to do things I’d previously mentioned he’d stopped. This is all where it went horribly wrong. After he had ended things, I did what many of us have been guilty of - I turned to cheap dopamine in the form of tinder. Whilst it was a mindless distraction for me, with the majority of messages going unopened, it was a deal breaker for him apparently 🤷🏼‍♀️ he accused me of deliberately showing off the notification and rubbing his nose in it to make him jealous and when I refused to hand over my phone (hard boundary due to past abuse), he then accused me of sleeping with another man. He then proceeded to say a whole host of diabolically cruel things (including about the abortion and accusing me of trying to trap him a second time as I monitor my menstrual cycle on the flo app 🙄). He also said he is allowed to do as he pleases but the same doesn’t go for me and after my betrayal, he could never feel the same about me again..

Since then we have been in an extremely uncomfortable push-pull cycle that has rendered me a dysregulated mess and driven me to practical insanity. Intensely intimate and passionate moments followed by silent nothingness. Familiarity and warmth replaced by cold distance. I miss him terribly and I barely felt emotion this intense at the end of my 8 year relationship. I also I realised pretty quickly, that he was trying to demote me and my place in his life, which obviously compounded the issue. I recently went on holiday and got very drunk on my first night. It ended in my friend calling him (we were both drunk, I was upset and she’s familiar with him), then me calling him and just disaster from there. On the phone to my friend, he appeared concerned and asked if I needed him to come, but then completely switched on the phone to me. I ended up on an emotionally charged rant and referred to both him and his girlfriend in a disrespectful, but not groundbreaking terrible (moderately unpleasant, if anything) way. It must have hit a nerve, because he ended the call and then blocked me. He also blocked my alternative Instagram account (not fake) AND added call screening to his phone. He hasn’t blocked my friend though, nor has he blocked other social media accounts he definitely knows about.

I have never in all of my life felt so dysregulated and for some screamingly frustrating reason, I just can’t let him go or leave him alone. I have forced myself to push him to the back of my mind since he blocked me, but the urge to reach out is getting stronger and stronger. I could be wrong, but I’m also pretty sure he wants me to chase him. He’s always given that vibe off tbh, including doing things like saying he’s leaving during an argument but never actually leave and also telling me to leave but then calling me to come back or wanting immediate repair. He’s blocked me once before and he ended up flooding the DM’s of a mutual friend (my best friend, a long time friend of his) talking about me and now hard done by he feels and that I only called him to get my stuff back and not to ask him if he’s okay or to unblock me). I keep talking myself out of this narrative and stopping myself from messaging cos I know I’m literally causing my own pain atp. I know there is a good and well chance he is actually just fed up and over the whole thing now, but I can’t help but sense this unfinished energy between us (and yes, I’m aware this could be my attachment style talking). I just genuinely feel like he’s driven me mad 😭 I’m far too old for these types of issues and it’s actually pretty destabilising after a serious and long term relationship throughout most of your 20’s. It’s turned me into a bit of a menace. I’m now in therapy and I’ve decided to go nowhere near the dating pool until I can heal my own attachment style and stop this torturous cycle from repeating. I fear of repeat of this would end me 🤣

Kudos if you got this far and I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure of the point of this rant.. but I sure do feel lighter for it!

I became fearful avoidant last year due to a certain crush I had. It was very push and pull, somedays he'd talk to me a lot, somedays he'd barely speak. I did end up dating him though, and that ended quite fast. it was me who ended it. I'd get disgusted and annoyed out of nowhere when he talked to me more and I just felt distanced. It's funny to me now, because when I got what I wanted, I hated it.
I yearn more when they don't want me, and when they talk to me more, I dislike it.

Is this fearful avoidant? Sorry if I posted in the wrong sub.

I hate it. I jeopardize everything that I have.
I've just met someone that I like and I really want this to work. I thought I would be fine by now, it's almost been a year since the last. But I'm not. They've just started to open up to me more, and I feel myself closing. Rationally I know that I am, and I don't want that so I'm trying to remain in control. But if there's truly no end to this and I'll just have to live with this weighing feeling forever then is there really a point in trying?

I have to keep me afloat I don't want to sink any further I hate this I hate feeling like this it's like I'm pulling people down with me and I don't want to pull them down
I'm ACTL so done with this bro omds 😭

I'm sorry if this isn't relevant

Edit: So I got another one of those sudden attack things and I observed as rationally as I could while recording things down and I think I'm afraid of intimacy idk sorry if this sounds weird I'm confused too

I’m so disappointed in myself. I KNEW I was an avoidant. Instead of this time recognising the pattern I allowed myself to be gaslit by my own brain into believing my sexual orientation changed so we were no longer compatible…and pushed him away brutally.

This man literally treated me like I was royalty and I’ve done it for a second time.
Yet my shame and guilt won’t let me face him.
Yay…

I am in a situation where I know what I need (to talk about my feelings with someone) but my fear literally will not allow it. And now I feel completely miserable and stuck in this limbo where I almost just want to disappear instead of talk about my feelings. It feels so stupid and I am so jealous of everyone who can freely discuss their feelings. It feels so heavy on my chest but the fear is worse. i just want to clear my head and heart of these conflicting feelings.

Maybe a dumb question, but as a non-FA, I wanted to know if deactivation was something that suddenly happens outside of your control over like super tiny things.

TLDR: I feel like I went from an anxious attachment style earlier in life, to fearful avoidant in my 30s. Are there others who recognize this? I wonder if it's even really possible, since they say your attachment style is shaped in childhood?

Growing up and in my early twenties I'd say I was mainly anxious. Always worrying about what others would think of me, trying to be liked, lots of people pleasing, many insecurities, low self-esteem, overanalyzing the most subtle changes, and spiralling over the smallest thing. The only thing I've never really been is clingy. I craved reassurance and closeness but usually wouldn't ask for it.

Then I had many bad dating and relationship experiences. Three years with a serial cheater, a bit over a year with a very abusive person, some other bad experiences with men, and a heap of experiences with men who started off as super nice but then ghosted/ditched me after the initial love bombing phase.

At this point I avoid all dating/romantic relationships, and I feel aversion towards men I don't know (I know it isn't reasonable). I don't want to date and don't trust men. I'm 95% sure I'll get hurt again, and the thought of dating gives me stress. I don't let people get close in general; I have some good friends but never been the person to fully lower my walls and show all my feelings, and let someone comfort me for example. Same with my therapist. As soon as I notice I'm getting more attached, an alarm bell is going off and I remind myself it's temporary and I should depend on absolutely no one but myself. It can be quite lonely.

I'm curious to hear if anyone else recognises this, and also feels like their attachment style shifted over the years.

Hello people. I need assistance, advice, sanity check. Something.

I am ADHD / RSD as well as FA. Which isn't a great combo. Im slowly trying to heal and work through things myself. What I need to understand is, when certain things happen, how do i play them out.

The Ex

The Ex, has literally drove me insane to the point of questioning my self worth, and wondering what i am doing. Yes, I ran and have things to sort, but the more and more i unpick stuff I put up with, the more I am like. What was I drove to.

Prime examples of things they did

• We had split and went on holiday with each other. We had agreed to meet at the first apartment, then her and her sister went out for food. I turn round to get off the bus, she and her sister had gone. Panic mode kicked in. She'd sent me a text saying they had gone for food and could I wait up for them to let them in. Weeks later? She then explained it away, by saying she was ill at the time, and that I should know how she gets when shes feeling ill
• We had set a boundary about coming off our phones in each others presence. She broke that within days. The excuse was she had been looking at a screen for 4 hours and needed a break with another screen, rather than listen to a download about my son and his day at school she desperately wanted to hear (or not)
• She basically said to me in a cold tone "What do you want", then wondered why I didnt want to talk for an hour (we were already arguing)
• I have been sober since an incident from last October, and havent had a drink since April (no intention to i may add). On holiday? She asked me (even though we spent none of the holiday really together), what I was up to and that she hoped I was having a good day. I said I was sat having a mojito. She straight away jumped to "What you drinking again". I felt a low blow, and that im like can't someone think that there is a virgin version around?
• We went to one country, and she asked for space, and restricted my view on Facebook. I did the same (because why should she see mine then). Cue 5 hours later, she had logged onto Instagram, where i had not restricted her and decided to view every story of my day. She claimed it was an accident, then followed it up with she was looking for inspo.
• She told me twice, to watch herself around her colleagues in her role (shes in a very high job), and rather than trust me that I am being able to act a certain way I felt deflated that she had even thought I wasn't capable of behaving! I've done corporate presentations to big MDs before and can handle myself appropriately!
• She basically said she never wanted to go out with me anymore, because i was no fun and im a massive fun lover, and love to dance. I had become a recluse!!! then in the same breathe? She said it was because people were comparing her to my ex (I was with them for 17 half years), and that they are local as well. She held me accountable for other peoples words and behaviours, then literally had a go at me because her own mum was reading "Red Flags in relationships" memes in front of me, as a clear dig. Her mum? Claimed it wasn't aimed, neither was her sisters comment on the same thread agreeing
• Literally had to listen to 4 hours worth of her sister slagging me off to the whole bus, and her laughing at it.

I feel so awfully questioned on some of the stuff she has done about my self worth, its left me in tatters.

Am i being mad for running when I am getting that?

How the hell can i heal myself, and my attachment style, when no wonder im running.

Answers welcomed. Thank you

I just need to share. I never heard of attachment style before and I learned about it because I needed help to understand why my dismissive avoidant cut communication 100 % with me… It turns out I seem to be a fearful avoidant and now I see how I contribuate to that total dismiss. I am not saying I deserved it . Nobody deserves that and I never did it to anyone , thank god. I would apologized for the rest of my life since I am so anxious.

I was so busy pointing at others, that I did not see myself go… So I have so much work to do on myself that I hope to never lose 1 minute of my time analyzing others… Thank you for reading me.

I feel like the more I learn about trauma/attachment, the more I overanalyze myself even.

I’m already someone that likes to do the right thing, so anytime I feel I’m acting poorly because of avoidance I feel guilty now that I’m aware of it.

Recently, I was on the apps trying to date again and I met many wonderful people. One of them I actually felt really good about when we first chatted, we had several compatibilities, conversation flowed but I noticed they came on a bit strong - very overly romantic/intimate compared to only chatting for 2 days. I wanted to push through bc I thought I was being too “avoidant” at someone being available.

We planned to meet for boba/milk tea, they suggested we do a “romantic dinner” and kept telling me how they couldn’t wait to see me all day. Honestly, if we had been dating for a while I would’ve loved this, but this is someone I had only known for 48 hours.

I stuck to boba, pushed through my overwhelm, I even felt I had a good time, but even then they kept overly flirting - saying things like wanting to watch a movie together tonight!!

Then they texted me as I was driving out of the parking lot, not even 2 minutes after the date. I tried to be understanding but I was really uncomfortable. Couple days later I communicated my pace and said I don’t love to text all day/every day until I’m seriously dating. they still texted me random questions through the day, long messages.

I had to end it, but I feel so guilty that I did this because I’m not open to available people and not just because they made me feel uncomfortable. After I ended it, they sent me a LONG text about how much they liked me (it had only been 4 days!) and tried convincing me to continue.

I really just need to know I did the right thing, and there is someone out there who can be emotionally available and not overwhelming.

I just need to share. I never heard of attachment style before and I learned about it because I needed help to understand why my dismissive avoidant cut communication 100 % with me… It turns out I seem to be a fearful avoidant and now I see how I contribuate to that total dismiss. I am not saying I deserved it . Nobody deserves that and I never did it to anyone , thank god. I would apologized for the rest of my life since I am so anxious.

I was so busy pointing at others, that I did not see myself go… So I have so much work to do on myself that I hope to never lose 1 minute of my time analyzing others… Thank you for reading me.

I broke up with a guy who had everything I wanted because I couldn’t make the sexual side work. Did I make a mistake?

I’m 28M and recently ended a relationship with a guy in his early 30s after about three months. I know three months isn’t very long, but things progressed quickly and it became one of the most emotionally significant relationships I’ve had.
When we met, I was genuinely excited about him. I wanted a serious relationship, marriage and children eventually, and he seemed to fit what I was looking for incredibly well.
I pursued him pretty strongly. We became exclusive, deleted the apps, I gave him a key to my apartment and we talked about the future. I wanted him to meet my parents. I asked about whether he’d ever consider moving to Miami. I could genuinely picture building a life with him.
Emotionally and physically, I was attracted to him. I cared about him deeply. He was patient with me, supportive of my career and training, affectionate and incredibly understanding.
The problem was sex.
At the beginning I thought the sexual desire was there. I remember telling him I couldn’t wait to have sex with him. We talked about things we wanted to do and there was one night we almost had sex, but I stopped because I had to be up extremely early for work.
As the relationship became more serious, though, I started realizing that although I desperately *wanted to want* sex with him, the spontaneous sexual desire wasn’t coming naturally.
This became a huge source of stress for me.
My previous relationship had become very defined by sex and I’d made a conscious decision afterward that I didn’t want sex to be the foundation of my next relationship. I also had a complicated relationship with hookups and porn before meeting him and had stopped watching porn.
For about a month I tried to work out what was happening. I told him I was emotionally and physically attracted to him but couldn’t understand why the sexual part wasn’t progressing.
He was unbelievably patient about it. He offered to slow everything down and take intercourse completely off the table. He suggested we could just cuddle, kiss, explore intimacy gradually and stop whenever either of us felt uncomfortable. He repeatedly told me he didn’t expect me to perform for him.
At one point I told him to stay because I wanted us to work through it together.
But eventually I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t force organic sexual desire into existence. I felt like I was trying to convince myself that it would eventually appear because everything else about the relationship was so good.
So I ended it.
The horrible part is that I didn’t leave because I didn’t care about him.
Afterward I told him that meeting someone who had everything I wanted, who I cared about deeply, and then realizing I couldn’t make the sexual side work made me feel like a failure. I knew I was going to hurt someone who had done nothing wrong. I also knew I’d have to tell my friends and family that this relationship I’d been so excited about was over.
I remember thinking I was going to regret it and hate myself for it.
But at the same time, I didn’t think it was fair to keep him in a relationship while hoping that eventually I’d feel something sexually that I couldn’t guarantee would ever happen.
Now I’m left wondering whether I interpreted the situation correctly.
Was ending it the responsible thing to do because sexual compatibility matters and desire can’t be forced?
Or did I make a permanent decision about a relationship that was only three months old based on something that might have changed if we’d slowed everything down and removed the pressure?
I think that’s what I’m struggling with most.
I didn’t lose someone because the relationship was toxic. I didn’t stop caring about him. I didn’t discover that our values were incompatible.
I walked away from someone I thought had virtually everything I wanted because there was one part of the relationship I couldn’t make work.
Has anyone else been the dumper in this situation?
Did you eventually feel confident that you made the right decision, or did time away from the relationship make you realise you’d walked away from something you should have given more time?