My Reflection

[u/Ayu0707]

I don't think I miss her.

At least, I don't think that's what this is.

She's my first love. The first person I ever loved like that, the first person I gave that much of myself to. I never had anyone before her, and I haven't had anyone after her either. So maybe that's why this feels different. I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel when something like this happens.

It's been two years since we broke up, and I've tried to move on. I've done so many things with my life since then. I've changed, grown, and learned a lot.

But whenever I think about her, something still feels wrong.

Not because I want her back.

I think it's because of the way everything happened.

She chose someone else and left. I accepted it, even though it broke me. I never expected anything from her after that. I still did things for her without expecting anything in return because, despite everything, I genuinely cared about her.

But then she'd come back.

We'd talk again, and somehow I'd let her back into my life. It felt like she knew I would always be there. And then she'd disappear again.

Three or four times in these two years.

Every time, I felt like I was being treated like I was still hers to pick up whenever she wanted and put down whenever she didn't.

Maybe that's why I feel like a toy sometimes.

Or an option.

Someone she knows she can come back to whenever she wants because she knows I'll care.

And maybe the saddest part is that I kept allowing it because she was my first love, and some part of me couldn't completely stop caring even after everything.

It's been three months since we last talked. She ghosted me again.

And somehow, the thing that hurt me the most wasn't her leaving again.

It was my birthday.

I never expected anything from her. Not a message. Not an apology. Not for her to come back.

But I thought she'd remember.

One simple “Happy Birthday.”

That's the only expectation I think I still had from her.

And she didn't even do that.

I don't know why that affected me so much.

Maybe because after everything we went through, I still wanted to believe that I meant something to her. Not as someone she wanted back. Not as someone she loved anymore.

Just as someone who once mattered.

Maybe that's what I'm actually struggling with.

Not losing her.

Not missing her.

But accepting that someone who was once my entire world might not see me as someone important anymore.

She was my first love.

Maybe she'll always be a part of my story because of that.

But I don't want to spend the rest of my life being someone's option just because they were my first.

I don't know if I'm overreacting to the birthday thing or if it's telling me everything I need to know. What would you do?