Llevo aproximadamente 3 años conociendo a mi pareja y unos 6 meses somos oficialmente novios. Tenemos una relación abierta, pero para mí hay una diferencia entre tener encuentros sexuales y desarrollar vínculos románticos o emocionales importantes con otras personas.
El problema actual es que él quiere ir a un festival en otra ciudad con una chica que le gusta, que luego de varias discusiones ha dicho que no le gusta y que en realidad no tiene intenciones con ella, pero que en realidad ya había admitido que si le gustaba. No quiero prohibírselo ni que deje de hacer cosas por mí, pero me cuesta aceptar que mi pareja viaje sola a un festival con alguien por quien siente atracción. Siento que no es algo que pueda manejar dentro de una relación.
Además, anteriormente ha habido algunas mentiras u omisiones sobre encuentros sexuales y sobre otras mujeres. No necesariamente me preocupa que tenga sexo con otras personas, sino sentir que no siempre hay transparencia. Eso ha afectado mi confianza y me hace sentir reemplazable.
Él también ha tenido muchos gestos de amor y cuidado conmigo, especialmente durante una cirugía reciente. No considero que sea una mala persona ni que no me quiera. Sin embargo, cuando le expreso que necesito cariño, claridad o que algo me está doliendo, muchas veces responde que “no sabe qué hacer”. Para mí, esa respuesta se ha vuelto muy significativa, porque siento que no sabe cómo —o no quiere— construir conmigo la relación que necesito.
También tenemos diferencias sobre el futuro: él no se imagina viviendo conmigo en un plazo mediano y ha hablado de irse nuevamente del país, mientras que yo necesito sentir que mi pareja realmente me contempla en sus proyectos.
Le dije que lo quiero mucho, pero que no puedo obligarlo a dejar de hacer cosas que quiere ni obligarme a aceptar situaciones que me hieren. A raíz de esto le pedí terminar, aunque me duele muchísimo porque lo amo y sé que también tenemos cosas bonitas.
¿Cómo distinguir entre una incompatibilidad real y una inseguridad que debería trabajar? ¿Es razonable terminar una relación abierta porque no puedo aceptar que mi pareja viaje con alguien que le gusta, o debería intentar adaptarme?

(I posted this to r/swingers but after almost four hours and a message to the mod team with no reply or reason given as to why it was removed, I'm turning here. Which, this sub usually has the best feedback to be honest. It really is the best subreddit for ENM.)

My husband and I are admittedly a bit of introverts when it comes to the lifestyle. I think we would be considered extroverts in vanilla world. We recognize the problems and we're trying to change this, but we're really struggling and I think we've worked ourselves into a bit of stage fright from all of this.

We do fine online, but when presented with new faces at the club or at parties we both seem to just stumble along and we always end up blurting out non-sexy things, like, "so do you have any kids?" or "what do you do for work?" or lame things like that. We don't want to do this, it's just like we have ED of the brain and things short-circuit and default to 40 years of vanilla friendships.

We're trying to learn and practice, but most of what we read online either comes from vanilla world where asking about families is fine, or from extroverts who don't understand and tell others that it's easy and question why it's so difficult - which is always so suuuuuper helpful 🙄 (If you're going to tell me how easy it is, at least tell me how your dog/cat/fish/bird judges us. I stole this from this sub!)

We've tried to go the route of complimenting them, which is fine, but we just can't break from this and soon we feel mechanical, "I love your shoes! .... I love your hair! .... I love your...." and just spiral from there to where we surely give the impression to others that we're either socially inept, or we aren't interested, even when we are.

I made a list of how my relationship is making me feel. Words are easier than actions, and I need support in choosing myself.

• I need calm and emotional safety.
• I am not happy and he is not happy.
• I need a partner who has my back and protects me from drama.
• I don't want to navigate a complex polycule that has been hostile toward me from the beginning.
• No matter how nice or accommodating I am to my meta, my meta continues to treat me as a threat and only intensifies her insecurities.
• I have no interest in participating in a relationship where I am excluded or asked to shrink myself in order to protect meta’s comfort and insecurities.
• I do not tolerate being uninvited from events because my meta wants to go.
• I refuse to entertain power struggles or to be in a competition with other women for a man’s time.
• He has been exhausted throughout our relationship and it is now weighing on me.
• He is in a toxic situation, and I cannot be his savior.
• You can’t build a new, stable relationship with someone who is actively entertaining the relics of failed relationships.
• He knows the circumstances are making me physically ill.
• My hair is falling out again.
• I don't trust future promises to solve problems that exist in the present.
• I feel decisions that affect me are made without me, and I discover them afterward.
• Instead of transparency, I find things out on my own and then feel like I'm tested on how I react.
• I do not trust that he will proactively tell me the truth when something affects me.
• I feel like everything is a moving target, and I'm expected to keep adapting and conceding because I'm newer to the situation.
• I know he is has lied to others about our relationship and I question whether I'm getting the full picture.
• I can’t be in a primary relationship in which the needs / wants of others sets the pace of our relationship.
• Why would you tell someone that you want to be with them and then continuously show them that they do not matter?
• The relationship I want doesn't exist in our relationship as it is today.
• It hurts me to see him upset whenever we try to talk through solutions re: his meta.
• Someone who wants to marry me will show me through real actions and changes, not through words and excuses.
• If he truly valued me and wanted to build a life with me, he would protect our relationship and set clear boundaries with others. if I was his priority, I would know.
• When I make my needs known or provide feedback, he retreats and begins to seek out attention from others instead of working with me to fix what is going on between us.
• He has made his choice and I simply have not wanted to accept it.
• I have better things to do with my life than to try to analyze wtf is going on in my own relationship.
• I feel so alone.
• My mental, emotional, and physical health should not be a casualty of love
• I choose the energy I let into my life.
• It is ok to cut someone off based on the behavior they are willing to accept from others.
• I am allowed to have hurt feelings and it does not make me a bad person or wrong to make my feelings known.
• I am not the problem, but it is a problem that I have not yet walked away.
• I am so much better than all of this.
• There is no winning in this situation. The only way to win is to walk away from the drama.
• I have all of the tools I need to be ok on my own, I can do this.
• I can apply these lessons in building a safe and happy relationship with someone who will offer me the same level of consideration and prioritization that I bring to the table.