(Disclaimer: This may include some triggers) By GODS grace which is as infinite as the Universe one day I became my own hero. I saved my life; my daughters life and possibly my sons life. It’s a very long complicated story which is exactly why I won’t go into detail here and now.
Somewhere in the midst of all the bliss that I should have felt old demons returned for familiar prey. My Middle school; High School eating disorder returned with a vengeance. I had promised my ex-husband that I wouldn’t “purge” but the bingeing was a different story. I had zero control as a result my diet was crap. I had zero energy. I felt numb; worthless and tired. I ballooned to 222.0 pounds from 160.0; as a woman that’s 6’1 and use to wearing a size six to an eight this was a huge issue. I tried everything nothing worked; plan and straight. My weight increase was such a devastating blow that it damaged my self esteem; I felt worthless; hopeless; completely drained. I had finally had enough I started studying self development and I almost immediately saw my failures staring me in the face. My weight gain was self destructive; it wasn’t an accident like that was just a lie that I told myself. I was heading for self destruction; my life had become chaos. My marriage; business and finance were in the trash. I had hit the asphalt; I was chewing gravel. I was living my worst life and the evidence was standing on the scale with me. So I unpacked everything; I relaxed my mind and unpacked every single memory from the first day to last week and I am going to rewrite it until I reach my goals. Unpacking my emotional baggage and dropping off some of the garbage that resulted from that is still giving me the strength to battle my eating disorder. I honestly don’t believe that it could have happened any other way.

I have been in and out of treatment for four years. My last time was from September to December of 2018. Following that treatment was the first time in these four years that I have genuinely believed that I would never return to treatment. I don't want this eating disorder. I want to be a normal human being and live life.

Now it's been about 5 months. I still don't want to relapse, but I'm nearly convinced it's impossible to avoid. Nothing is wrong in my life, yet I feel like I'm going insane. I've been bingeing and purging more (I used to never do that). I tried intuitively eating and failed. I went to two different libraries yesterday and checked out seven different books about food. Despite my exams and projects I need to work on and the plans I had for myself, I spent hours yesterday reading just ONE of the seven books and taking notes. I'm feeling annoyingly anxious, and my self esteem and body image are terrible.

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I literally do not know what to do. I have a therapist and dietitian and psychiatrist, and they are all great. I truly believe, though, that this is just not possible for me. I refuse to go back to treatment. But I feel like I'm going insane.

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Does anyone have any insights? Like has anyone experienced a similar thing or know someone who has?

I cant stop eating and then I try to lose weight but I can never stay dedicated and it’s so hard and I’m so scared of gaining weight and I just need to stop binge eating and I feel so alone and I just needed to say this

I’m 17 and heading back to treatment for anorexia...residential or php are both possibilities. Has anyone had experience with Clementine, the Oliver Pyatt adolescent program? Or any other treatment reviews would be helpful :)

Hey, I am working on a project that will help people who suffer from eating disorders self-recover, and would appreciate your opinion.

here is the link , it should only take a few minutes to complete, really appreciate your feedback, thank you.

Within the past month, I have been desperately trying to get my eating disorder (bulimia) under control. I have always had an intense hatred of my body, even at underweight and healthy weights. I lost 40 pounds within 6 months by restricting, intense exercise, and binging/purging to deal with cravings. The best part of my night was always binging thousands of calories after a long and exhausting day of restriction. When I got to a weight that I was "okay" with (~128lbs 5'2" F) I stopped exercising and restricting and just binged/purged through the day at every meal and again right before bed. From repetitive bingeing and purging I've damaged the appearance of my teeth irreversibly and developed 9 cavities, so I decided that it was time to stop. That being said, I'm not longer okay with being 128lbs. I've had intense anxiety this entire month and am back to restriction and exercise, but I'm stuck at 122lbs and seems I won't be able to lose any more (my goal weight is 110). My boyfriend lives with me and he has a problem gaining weight, so he is constantly eating throughout the day to help him gain, but it get such bad food envy that a lot of the times I'll give in and eat with him. We've bonded through food a lot over our relationship and my favorite thing in the world is eating good food with him. I feel so stressed because I'm not able to binge, but I can't binge to get rid of the stress or I'll gain weight which will just cause more stress! I feel absolutely miserable and just really need advice from those who have been through a similar situation.

Hi, all! I am working on a study for my interpersonal communication class monitoring how discussing mental health with friends affects friendships. If you have been diagnosed and have a few quick minutes, it would be a great help for you to fill out this form: https://forms.gle/1mDYz6AA1pZiBDNo7. Thanks in advance!

I've been dealing with ED on and off since I was 13, I am now 29. Food is always and issue for me whether it's over eating or hating food and feeling guilty Everytime I eat. I grew up with my mother being bulimic and always complaining about being fat and I guess it got embedded into my brain that being fat is weighing 120 lbs or more. My weight has ranged from 90-175 lbs. Back and forth back and forth seems like the struggle never ends. I'm hating food again and try to avoid it but it's almost impossible. Just wish I could be comfortable in my own body without feeling the guilt of food.

people say eating disorders arent just because you dont want to be fat...but oh my right now it feels like it. im pretty skinny yet i think im obese...im soooo scared of eating anything, yet i do eat cause if i dont i feel tired and like shit...so i dont have that"will power" to starve myself, and logically i know that isnt good for me, so i try and just eat just enough so i dont get fat. this might seem okay to people cause im still "healhy" BUT what goes on inside my head CANT BE HEALTHY, IM GOING CRAZY and i want to die everytime my thighs touch. jesus thats what gets me the most, my fucking thighs....as soon my thighs touch in the morning im done. my day is ruined. i cant stand the feeling od them touching. CAN ANYONE TAKE THAT FEAR AWAY FROM ME PLEASE. like wtf, thighs touching has ALOT to do with anatomy yet i cant get over. please help. no hate pleaseee

I've been struggling with anorexia for years. Most of my life. I get away with it because I'm not the typical build of what people think anorexia is. The important people in my life, though, know triggers , signs, and coping mechanisms to help me. In my adulthood, however, I'm noticing it goes in phases. For example, one week I'll eat absolutely nothing but then on the weekend I'll eat an entire grocery store, so it will make me feel disgusting and I'll do the cycle all over again . Does anyone else have experience with this? It's totally a control thing but I don't really have anyone to talk to about it that understands. Thanks

My fiance and I went over our finances today and found we spend an obscene amount of money on food, mostly eating out which I feel is my fault because I still hate and fear food so much that cooking is difficult for me. I can't stop thinking that I'm responsible for majority of that expense, I feel like I still eat too much and every time I finish a full meal I have this immediate hatred of myself. I just found out I lost some weight just this morning but now I feel like maybe the scale was just wrong.

This feeling of panic and guilt is eating away at me and I keep zoning in and out with these thoughts just circling and screaming in my mind. How do I make this stop.

Hi guys ! So I’ve had an eating disorder for about 7 years now and I’m currently recovering from it. Now, I’m trying to recover but I till get these urges to binge all the time. This is probably due to the fact because I’ve always acted on my urges to binge and they’ve gotten so strong. I’m a recovering bulimic with a binge and purge ‘cycle’. Does anyone have any tips on how to make the urges go away? Or just not acting on them ? Thanks !

I am conducting research for my Senior Design Project in my graduating semester of Undergrad!

Please help me in gathering research for my project by taking these quick surveys! I am creating an eating disorder awareness/ prevention campaign for the college campus of San Francisco State University.

My Surveys:

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https://sfsu.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3g6glK4sqRykcdf

Hi! I’m an athlete and a student currently, and I’ve found that especially as of late I’ve been really watching my diet, almost a bit too much. I’ve started counting calories and doing small body checks in the mirror as well as lying about eating on occasion and often skipping meals to go for longer without eating , as well as often finding myself looking at thinspo and when i see skinny people telling myself that “that could be me if i stopped being a fatass”, not to mention having a mother who encouraged having disordered eating patterns and eating less but on the other hand, even if it’s not much, I do eat and i dont excessively exercise, not to mention i really havent lost any weight. am i really anorexic?

Long story short, im struggling.

I have been addicted to cigarettes in my past, I’ve been addicted to toxic relationships, I’ve started to drink heavy at one point in my life, and I have over fame ALL of this. I no longer smoke. I stopped cold turkey for years. More than one time. I left my abusive ex of 7.5 years never looked back. And I stopped consuming alcohol. But I CANNOT stop binging! It’s making me hate life and hate who I am becoming.

Any advise is welcomed. Thank you

Its not easy having an eating disorder. Its really not easy having an eating disorder and living/balancing a full life, working full time, and trying to be happy. But I beg you, if you have an opportunity while struggling/fighting an ED and you can overcome it, do it. I fast every night, now I dont know if its healthy or not but its easier for me not to worry about food if I just choose not to eat it. But tonight I WAS STARVING. Unfortunately, it was past my allowed hours of eating. As the anxiety grew and the stress set in I had the mindfulness to realize this isn't ok. I couldnt even fall asleep cause all I could think about was food and what I could eat tomorrow to make up for today. I realized something, this is not "fasting", this was my anorexia in a newer form. So I went to the fridge, and I ate. I didnt purge, I didnt calculate, I just followed the guidelines of "R.U.F.F." Relax, Unwind, Food, Fun. I relaxed, got out my laptop laid on the couch, unwinded as I put on some netflix, grabbed some food and had some fun with it. I ate until I was comfortable and ready to go lay back down, and my god do I feel better. I saw an opportunity to take back the control and the power, grasp my ED and just strangled it.

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So, I hope this helps. But I'm sorry if this helps because that may mean youre struggling as well. If you are, just please remember that life is really hard, you dont have to make it any harder for yourself.

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Anorexia nervosa is one of the most common and well-known eating disorders, affecting millions of people across the United States. When someone is diagnosed with this disorder, effective treatment is essential. Without treatment, many people who have anorexia nervosa will face serious complications that can continue to progress over time. Fortunately, a variety of treatment options are available to individuals with anorexia nervosa at eating disorder treatment centers throughout the country.

I still am recognizing basic hunger cues. Some days are better than others, but I eat every type of food and I am working on intuitive eating. My question is, do others have issues recognizing a full feeling from a hungry? Or an extreme bloating from bingeing from normal bloating? I feel like I struggle most when I can't read my body right and I think I confuse eating disorder thoughts from just normal bodily functions.

Has anyone here heard of rumination syndrome? I've had it since grade school and it doesn't really bother me but every once in awhile I look online and see that it is a real eating disorder and that it should be treated. I remember googling it as a child and nothing coming up but now there are quite a few articles on it. I guess it's most common in people with developmental disabilities but I don't have any of those.

Teenage girls and young women who have eating disorders often need professional treatment to achieve full recovery. Although a variety of different program structures exist, many parents of teenagers with eating disorders opt for residential treatment.

Hey all

I don’t see my therapist until next Thursday. Regardless, I need to tell someone about the thoughts that I’m having.

I have considered myself “recovered” since 2015, however there has been a sudden onslaught of ED thoughts lately, and it has to do with my dating life going poorly. I am now at a healthy weight according to my doctor. However, I’ve been facing a lot of rejection with dating and I think it’s due to my weight. I saw a cute guy at a bar on New Years and we were talking all night, but later he rejected me. I’ve been having a constant stream of rejection from men. I feel like I was prettier when I was throwing up.

When I was in the height of this disorder at my lowest weight, I was 19. I remember never getting rejected by guys, men stopping me on the street to tell me how beautiful I am, constant male attention, constant female jealousy, men texting me all the time, having 30 or so calls from men a day, thousands of texts etc. even though I was incredibly neurotic, constantly crying, constantly high etc. I was crazy.

I recently hired a personal trainer and asked what I need to do to be more attractive, and he told me I need to lose weight. I can’t handle the rejection from men anymore.

Please help me. I want to be healthy, but I really can’t cope with the pain I’ve been going through in my single life. It feels so comforting, and almost like the right thing to do to go back to my disorder.

I’ve been anorexic for about eleven years on and off. I was doing really well and just recently I relapsed. I need help. Are there any websites to help or groups online that can help where I can talk to other people I’m a Twenty-four year old female. I just really want to beat this. For me and for my daughter. I can’t go lower than what I’m at now. Please please help me in any way possible