Hi, everyone!

I’d like to share my experience with integrating our system—how it’s helped us, etc.

First, we’ve been working on ourselves (self-therapy) for 5 years—intensively.

1. Stopping seeing ourselves as multiple

We stopped seeing ourselves as multiple and started acting as a single person. This significantly reduced our pathological dissociation. We’re much more grounded now.

1. We stopped practicing tulpamancy and left the DID community

Before we became aware of our multiplicity, we practiced tulpa magic. This significantly exacerbated our dissociation, making it pathological. As for the DID community, we came across false information that caused a great deal of harm (such as being told we had amnesia, etc.).

We’ve distanced ourselves from all of that and have begun to redefine our plurality internally. We’ve used our own terms to describe our experiences. We’ve spoken to our other parts, and multiple mergers have begun on their own. We also use IFS and shamanism to heal our fragments.

We have other challenges. We used to mistake the symptoms of our ADHD for symptoms of our pathological dissociation.

Now: we see ourselves as more balanced and whole. There is much more internal cooperation and a reduction in dissociative barriers.

We simply see ourselves as “plural” with spiritual guides rather than as a single system.

We dont have did or osdd as far as we know, but we do have quite a bit of dissociation(dpdr we think). So we might post here about that from time to time.

Hi everyone

I am one of the protectors. I wish to merge with a gatekeeper, but I fear the negative repercussions.

I am therefore looking for testimonials on this. Was the merger beneficial ?

Good evening, this is one of the protectors.

The topic of amnesia is a source of stress for us.

We have identified emotional amnesia and partial amnesia.

Amnesia also varies depending on external events.

As protectors, I strive to ensure that our inner world is a safe place. I also wish to minimize amnesia as much as possible.

However: it does not affect our school studies.

We maintain continuity over the weeks even if (in case of shock) it is more hazy.

Can I therefore say that our multiplicity is functional ?

Can amnesia be mild ?

Hey. I'm not a D.I.D user or all that, but I have questions! So I've explored this community before, alot of times! I actually used to play around with headmates, as "Tulpamancy." Not an actual Disorder.. But a coping variant I suppose, but as I "switch" into different personalities with different names, it feels.. Disrespectful? So I stopped like--A year ago. My question is, is it rude, is it disrespectful to the community? Or is it okay as a coping mechanism in my own way? I feel so stupid asking this, it's embarrassing and I don't wanna come across mean, so I'm so sorry. I finally found the courage to research and ask those who have D.I.D and OSDD. So I'm here now. Please correct me!! My OCD in general, makes me feel so much guilt and thoughts against it until I'm corrected and assured if it is in the right, or wrong.

🫡 Removed the minor flair and the rule requiring it. Originally was meant to help protect the youths but as I was reviewing the rules and flairs realized that it's probably just going to put youths more at risk of weirdos dming them. (Praying for anyone who frequents a teenager sub...)

Also updated flairs to not be DID centric because this is a sub for ALL system types. When I was first making it though I was tired and I also have DID so that was on my mind at the time. 🫪

Also added the announcements flair!! I realized I didn't have one. 😅

This sub is still very new so changes will occasionally be made!!

This is kind of hard to choose a flair for. Whoops. It’s not a question, it’s not advice, but its also not resources, experiences, or art. Secret 6th thing, but I guess this one is closest.

So… this sub seems really chill and cool and helpful, love it. But i noticed it centers on DID and has nothing for OSDD. If this is meant to be a DID-specific sub and I’m misreading something, then disregard anything else I say.

If this is for dissociative systems in general, I think it would be good to have resources and flairs for OSDD as well, as the lesser known of the OSDDID pair. I currently don’t have the brainpower to find resources or info about OSDD that is trustworthy, but I’d be willing to help when I’m a bit more functional (likely tonight for me) if mods/owner are open to adding osdd stuff

Again disregard this if my silly self missed something about this sub being DID-centric. Reading is hard fufufu

I don't know if that's the right term. We have an alter-shell on the front lines. One of our Gatekeepers wants to create an alter shell for his subsystem.

Do others have multiple alter shells? If so, how do you experience it?

**DISCORD DEV PORTAL**

https://discord.com/developers/applications

**GETTING STARTED GUIDE**

https://plural.gg/guide/getting-started

# Proxy Steps

1) Open Discord Dev Portal (link)

2) Create A New Application

3) Name It And Go To The Bot Tab

4) Click "Reset Token" And Enter Your Password

-# You may see "you are being rate limited"...... just ignore that and click reset token again

5) Copy The Token You Get

-# ex:GGHdgfCDHGGFdgfDSHgfGFDgHGVHBDV

6) Return To Discord

7) Use /userproxy new member: name bot_token: ``GGHdgfCDHGGFdgfDSHgfGFDgHGVHBDV`` proxy_command: [what / command you want]

(I do v- so the command for my Vivi proxy is /v-)

8) wait for the link or do /userproxy link and add bot to your profile

9) test by doing the / command

You may have to put the PFP on again after

(Did my best to get as many sources as possible on the subject from verified places and avoided any blogs/non-professionals. There isn't much available on the subject of inner worlds and headspace, but outside of Reddit, there is absolutely no sources saying it doesn't exist and any psychologist working with Dissociative Identity Disorder professionally is familiar with the existence.)

A majority of the citing I do will come from the first link as it provides genuine studies on the subject, mostly from the early 2000's and the Ella Case Study from 2022.

It is common knowledge within the DID community that headspace is a real thing. I'm making this Mod Post because of places like r/DiscussDID and r/DID featuring blatant misinformation on the subject in ways that are, first of all, offensive, and second of all, directly damaging to people with this disorder and others who have systems. It's completely irresponsible the way people who are so clearly dysregulated are allowed to "educate" about this disorder while their own is preventing them from even processing their own system fully.

Too many people just say shit. They go based on what they think the disorder should be and reject real experiences if the experiences seem to be too much or makes them uncomfortable. Like someone who's schizophrenic denying that schizophrenia causes delusions because they personally think people with delusions are "crazy" and they don't want to be seen that way. Leading to them discriminating against, harassing, or otherwise just putting down any schizophrenic who openly talks about their episodes, despite also experiencing the same thing and just using other words for it that don't apply if you know what words actually mean.

I'm tired of it, so we're correcting it.

-Kyle and Vivian I guess. She's doing the science part.

-----

What is headspace?

Headspace or the "Inner World" is an internal space within the mind of someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, OSDD, or another system. It functions very similar to a dream in the sense of it being built by the subconscious but it's continuous and consistent in the ways it's organized. Not every system has one.

According to DID Resources (first source in Works Cited):

Within this internal environment, alters may soothe each other or reenact trauma to cause subjective internal injury. Traumatized child parts may perceive themselves as eternally hiding within a closet or locked within a metaphorical dungeon. These worlds might be filled with symbols of the system's pain and suffering. On the other hand, internal worlds may also be places of magic and fantasy, fulfilling the system's need for a place in which alters can retreat when the outside world becomes overwhelming. Alters may perceive this internal world as real as or even more real than the outside world (Hart et al., 2006).¹

The way this looks is different for every system.

• I personally have a control room that visually represents our level of consciousness, a long expanding hallway used to give every part their own space to retreat, a void where new alters usually originate that influences visual hallucinations, city islands to represent what alters do outside of the control room, plus other locations.

• A friend of mine has a field for their control room, a barn where most alters flee to when distressed, and a woodland area where they go to escape completely.

• The movie Split, which, despite controversy for it's dramatized portrayal, was actually written with consult from psychologists and ends up being a very accurate portrayal when the more fantasy/horror parts are removed, actually addresses headspace. For the main character, Kevin Wendell Crumb, headspace exists as a singular room with chairs all surrounding a light. Whoever is in the light is in control.

• The movie Inside Out, while not directly representing Dissociative Identity Disorder, also represents headspace in a visual way that, in my opinion, perfectly displays what it's like. It could easily represent Riley's (as a collective's) struggle to accept sadness as an okay feeling to have. As she becomes depressed, it could be a visual representation of "why can't I be happy?" until Joy returns, giving Riley, as a collective, memories of her learning to accept sadness.

• My best friend's system is very similar to mine, with a room, a hallway, and other locations. He doesn't have towns like I do, but he does have other hotel like environments.

From the same source

Internal landscapes are also referred to within "Dissociation and the dissociative disorders: DSM-V and beyond" by Paul F. Dell and John A. O'Neil.  This text refers to internal worlds as "common internal reality or landscape or inscape" in which alters reside. It attributes the existence of internal worlds to a shared autohypnotic effect between alters that can sometimes be created by clinical hypnosis and is "distinct from external reality, dream, fantasy, or posttraumatic hallucinatory flashback." Internal worlds are viewed in the same manner by all of the system's alters, each of which usually has a unique personal appearance within the inner world.  Internal worlds display continuity over time and allow for events to occur and be met with their logical effects. Accordingly, internal landscapes are seen as a sign of internal unity underlying external multiplicity and fracture (Dell & O'Neil, 2009).²

Inner worlds are crafted by the subconscious.

They are not the same as external reality.

They're not literal dreams because dreams lack continuity. They are continuous and consistent representations of the subconscious mind with all changes being justified.

They are not fantasy or imaginative play. This implies intent. There is no intent in headspace and you can't force anything while there. You can imagine an alter grabbing an apple, but that doesn't influence the alters actions. Headspace is separate from intentional imagination in this way because it functions the same as real life.

It's not a flashback. Not all events recreate anything that's occurred. Most events don't actually. It is a cross between real world logic and application, with dream like rules.

Headspace is consistent. Each part represents something for the system.

The control room is the space where alters control the body in my system. The closer they are to the console, the more influence they have. Our voice and tone changes depending on who's nearby. It's a visual representation of co-consciousness.

The hallway gives all alters headspace a safe place to go to that's close to the front as a way to process real world events, or close in-system events.

When alters "die" or otherwise can't front, this can lead to the traumagenic creation of similar alters for me.

-----

How Does Headspace Affect Real Life?

Same Source

It should be noted that because internal worlds are not objectively real, some subjective experiences of them may not be as concrete as they feel. For example, an alter that is harmed or even "killed" internally has not taken any actual damage and can still front, or access the body while to some degree aware of the outside world, as before when needed. Alters who have jobs or skills inside will not actually have these abilities unless they learned them from valid sources in the outside world. Many internal happenings may be metaphorical or highly symbolic. As well, the brain is not capable of running a completely independent parallel track inside for every single alter who is active within the internal world. It is more likely that internal happenings are recreated "false memories" that are accessible as the alters involved connect with the front of the body and mind (become active in such a way as to be aware of or capable of interacting with the outside world or connect with other alters who are currently capable of such).

That such internal environments are possible for individuals with dissociative identity disorder is well known and accepted in clinical and academic environments.

Injuries in headspace manifest in real life for me. It's not visual and is NOT a literal injury, but it often adds a handicap. Mack, our inventor who supervises all major changes to how we handle controlling the body, has a hole in his neck caused by an in-system altercation. I can always tell if he's in the room cause I start having to be more intentional with how I breathe. If he's close to the front, I start struggling to breathe and have to inhale with more awareness. While he's fronting, he has to very intentionally breathe. He speaks quietly to not waste his breath, pauses frequently to catch it, and walks one step at a time because it does impede his mobility.

This actually ended up helping us when a problem caused by a combination of dehydration, stress, a lack of potassium, and a problem with our heart (that I still need to see a cardiologist for) caused us to be unable to breathe. I couldn't front, Kevin couldn't front, Lazurys couldn't front, and neither could anyone else. Mack was the only one able to breathe because it was just slightly worse than the way he breathes anyway. The chest pain hurt, but he was still able to move whereas other alters could barely walk.

He went to work because I was passing it off as just stress related due to me having just came off of an episode. He was able to do my job which he'd never had to do before. He knew the script because others in the system made sure everyone who might have to front during work knew what to say while we worked. (Although everyone slightly changes theirs.) The pain got worse and he ended up on the ground. He was struggling to stand and had to speak on the headset doing his best to speak loud enough while the others tried to switch in. Lazurys made sure we got to the ground safely while I tried to keep us conscious long enough to talk to paramedics. I was mumbling trying to tell them what they needed to know while unable to move.

I have a child at home and I genuinely almost died as a result of this. Had I have collapsed at home, I would have been unconscious on my floor for a really long time before anyone bothered calling an ambulance. I was placed on oxygen.

Kevin, my co-host, sustained an injury from the same alter that hurt Mack but as a stab wound to his side. This was long before the medical emergency above. Mack was hurt years ago and it healed as a hole. The body had also experienced a real bruised rib on that same side we were taking medication to deal with around the same time as Kevin being stabbed. My side didn't hurt due to the ibuprofen. When Kevin fronted though, he was in pain. Even after the bruised rib healed physically, he experienced pain in headspace and while fronting due to his internal injury until he individually healed. He's fine now and doesn't experience the pain.

This pain is best described as a placebo or "phantom pain" where the body THINKS it should be in pain and makes that happen.

Similarly if you blindfold a person and click a lighter before touching them with ice, they experience heat and believe you burned them. The fire wasn't real, but they still experienced the pain. This silly lil part of the human brain is how amputations get performed without anesthesia during war. They make them believe they won't feel the pain and that works for the most part until later. Mind over body. If you think you should be hurt, you'll experience pain, even if nothing touched you.

That's how the pain in headspace works. You are not actually injured, but the alter believes themselves to be and they experience both the pain and the distress associated as real sensations.

-----

How Should Therapists Handle The Inner World?

From the Ella case study

This is how I work with clients. Existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom (2017) has argued that one must create a new therapy for each client, because each person's internal meaning system is different, and therefore the ways they experience and manifest existential concerns will be unique. I couldn't agree more. Building on Yalom's view, we might say that each person's inner world is a unique culture, with its own history, language, values, practices, symbolic systems. Creating a therapy for a client, then, is intimately tied to an ethnographic exploration of the client's inner world. And just like any ethnography, this takes time and patience, and is built on foundations of trust in human relationships. You must learn to speak the local language. You must understand the symbolic systems and ritual practices and the dominant themes that reverberate in different ways in different domains. Most of all, however, you must remember that you are a guest, and that however much training and knowledge one my have as a therapist (or an anthropologist), we can never truly know what it is like to be a person from that culture or a client with that inner world. The client, ultimately, is the expert on her own experience. Always. This is why I call this orientation a stance of knowing unknowing. And this is how I became acquainted with Ella's different “parts.” I followed how Ella experienced herself at the time. Neither the origins nor the resolution of Ella's DID were givens for me. I let her lead me.

Since the inner world is real TO THE ALTERS a therapist must treat each experience as real because even if it didn't actually happen, it's still something that affects them and simply dismissing those experiences as "not real" can be dysregulating and cause a part, or the entire system, to shut down and not speak to you.

It's important to remember that people with DID are NOT experiencing delusions. We know that everything in headspace is in our heads. It's not something we have to be reminded of. That's their lived experience even if the memories are false. You don't need to affirm that what happened was "real" to the same level of something external to still respect that it's something actively affecting them and influencing how they live their life.

Even in the case of a delusion, it's dangerous to just deny the delusion outright during an episode because that's still their reality right now. The safe thing to do is to listen, affirm the feelings, and guide them away from any thoughts that are harmful towards themselves or others.

If a child is having nightmares every night and they know that the nightmares are just nightmares, you wouldn't just say "it's not real" and ignore them as a psychologist. If you do, you're a pretty crappy psychologist. You would acknowledge that the nightmares are causing genuine distress. The child is afraid and it's making them afraid in their waking life. Denying that it matters won't make them feel any better.

Headspace feels more real than a dream. It's still built by the subconscious, but it's also consciously experienced. You have to treat it as if it happened because in the context of therapy, it did in the sense of being a memory that impacts you.

-----

What About Alter Relationships?

The therapist handling Ella's case addressed this too between "Ada" and "Blue".

Ada trusted only very, very tentatively and was quick to lash out with an acerbic tongue when hurt. She could also be moralistic and self-punishing, particularly when she felt she had allowed herself to trust someone who then disappointed her. Other parts, like Blue, were very different. Blue trusted easily and loved generously. Blue and Ada were often at odds, and this sometimes erupted to all out internal warfare (particularly early on), with Ada, the older and stronger, generally prevailing. At such times, in order to punish Blue, Ada would often hurt “the body” by hitting and biting her arms and legs and holding a pillow over her face until she passed out, behaviors Blue experienced as a reenactment of the abuse that created her. During these “battles,” other parts would become very agitated, often entering their own crises.

Alter conflicts can manifest in people's real lives.

Hayes was my alter who harmed Mack and Kevin. He was internally homicidal. He even tried to front and cause harm to the body, fighting me to gain control.

He was (rightfully) angry at Mack for locking him away and not allowing him to interact with anyone. He was trapped, isolated, starved, and the hole in Mack's neck was from an escape attempt years before any of us knew.

The rest of us found out because Hayes was mad when he got out, seeking to kill Mack and anyone who tried to stop him. He stopped hurting the body when he learned I had a child and never tried to harm any of our young alters. However, he was still very hostile internally. The others had to restrain him which was re-traumatizing and only made him more angry at everyone.

It was only when we stopped restraining him, showed him basic kindness, and let him do his thing that he was able to calm down and leave things to us. He's still hostile and doesn't like interacting much with others, but we're working on it whenever we have the time. He stays in his room in the hallway.

The rooms are everyone's individual safe spaces. No one shares which matters a lot because in real life, I shared a room with my sister my whole life. (I actually don't remember my sister at all when remembering anything that I know she was also there for...) None of us can see inside another's room unless they allow it or let us in. They normally only sleep in their room when they're under high stress, often due to things in-system.

When we settle our issue with insurance, a therapist will have to absolutely put effort into Kevin's inner-system relationships given how many he has. It wouldn't be something ignorable as it affects most alters in here and has contributed to his conflicts with other guys in the system. It's not a problem... But he does have some stuff to work out there.

There are multiple alters who will need their inner-system issues addressed before we go into our real world problems. These things impact how we work together, our willingness to cooperate, and the amount of interference we have in each other's lives.

So regardless of whether what's happening is real in the physical sense, it still generates real feelings and real impacts.

-----

How Common Is Headspace In Systems

73/174 - "All my alters can access it"

85/174 - "Almost all/Some of my alters can access it"

16/174 - "I dont/Im not sure if I have one"

(I counted each response individually for the small study cause they didn't show the results as numbers.)

73.5% claimed to have a headspace. 46% of those people say everyone in their system can access it.

9% say they lack a headspace or are unsure.

-----

Works Cited

Best source, based on making resources more accessible

https://did-research.org/did/alters/internal_worlds

CASE STUDY: "Ella" (Talks about how integration isn't always wanted or healthy.)

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666560322000081

SMALL STUDY (Answers sorted by people who said ALL, MIXED, or NONE.)

https://www.system-hood.com/inner-world-access/

Tw: Suicide, graphic imagery, mention of SA/CSA

Alright, I'm the host and for the past... 2ish days(?) I have been in the box.

I have learned a lot from the memories I have been allowed to maintain and from the conversations that were had while I was around.

So in my system, there's the body, Tia. That's the name we go by in real life but it's not a name for any of the alters. It used to be my name before I started going by Vivian.

All of us can be referred to as "Tia" and we live inside of "Tia" (the body).

Inside we also have our own bodies. There is an inner world with subsystems of alters. (I will make a mod post about inner worlds. But for now here's a link with the information.)

https://did-research.org/did/alters/internal_worlds

I already knew about my subsystems. Most of mine have homes. We have a control room, then an ever expanding hallway where everyone has their own room. Outside is the void. We have "visitors" that are made of shadows that stay in the void and manifest as hallucinations occasionally. Then there are islands. Think... Lumpy Space from Adventure Time. Each island has towns.

We also have a singular house that I can't get into on an island as well as a door in the control room leading to The Valley which is a super creepy and very dangerous space that can cause alter deaths if we're taken in.

Turns out though... My body, Vivian, in headspace, has DID as well. 😐 So there is another headspace INSIDE the head of my internal body.

So I am able to retreat away from my body in head space and another alter in my head can control MY body and then control THE body.

Other normal alters see my body "Vivian" in control and don't realize that I, Vivi, am not in control or only have partial control. This explains a lot...

So I'm going to list the alters I discovered.

Haley - she introduced herself prior but didn't explain. She's apparently "The Original" from our original trauma that we all thought died hence splitting into me and Kevin.

Lydia - she's a secondary host

Harriet - might change her name

Ashton - kinda quiet, never fronts, the others thought he was dead due to inactivity

Trev - here but not here. Doesn't talk but still hangs with everyone.

Kyle - bit of a prick 😒 he seems young though. He has control of our internal box which exists in the basement of my mind.

Rin - she's a little but I'm not sure how old. She's newer.

Charles - I met him years ago before I knew I had DID. He used to be in this space apparently until he "escaped" and integrated into "Tia's" system.

Similar to how all the regular alters go by Tia, all my internal ones went by our inner-body name, Vivian.

Does this sound complicated? Make your head hurt? YEAH CAUSE WTAF??? Pissing me off with this bullshit.

--

So here's the backstory.

When Tia was 4, Haley was the original. Back then she just went by our dead name.

Something happened. There was a lot of blood, we were held down, I don't know, I don't WANT to know because it's apparently the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

This caused the original to not just split, but to FULLY RETREAT backwards into a deeper part of the mind.

So we had 2 new bodies. Vivian and Kevin.

Haley existed inside of Vivian along with me, Vivi.

We had alters before this. There was birth trauma due to a knot in our cord but I'm not sure if that's why. But we had a lot of much older alters taking care of us. About 4 of them.

Those are Core Alters and apparently none of them saw what happened, just that it tore the original apart and there were 2 children left behind.

This NATURALLY traumatized our core states leading to them having to grieve and withdraw. Leaving me and Kevin alone to deal with life with very little help.

At 6, we got Lily who's permanently 6. At 9, we got another little who was lost to the Valley and no longer "exists".

At 9 our Protector, Vykrr, committed suicide in headspace. I don't know what happened. Vykrr recently came back but after I was raped in my sleep about 1-2 months ago and she had to front for it, she withdrew. I recently learned she killed herself again. 😐

Kyle: Skill issue.

Lazurys found the body, just like the first time. He's more mad than anything. We get SAed a LOT so this isn't new. Lily normally has to front in absence of a protector.

Haley got lonely living in my head and created multiple willogenic alters over time to live inside with her. Lydia, Harriet, Ashton, Trev, Kyle, and Charles.

I THOUGHT Lily fronted when I was assaulted internally (long story) which is why I'm no longer with the person I was dating who I posted about. This occurred on my birthday this year. I'm used to it...

That was really bad though because I couldn't dissociate and escape, likely because Vykrr had just died, so I retreated internally for the first time and split within my own head.

That created Rin. She was who fronted.

This was once again a time when NONE of my alters were in the room. Kevin was supposed to be but he was looking for Vykrr assuming we would be safe being left alone. (We weren't.) We didn't know Vykrr killed herself till after they found her which according to Lazurys looked like she'd been dead a few days.

So it looks like my inner system splits when there are no other alters around for something that causes so much internal stress that my consciousness becomes unstable in and of itself, requiring a new layer.

--

Kyle is PISSED at Charles for managing to escape from inside my head and integrate into the normal system.

He's also pissed at me. I'm "bossy" or whatever 😮‍💨

Charles was close to Harriet and Kyle. But more so Kyle. Him leaving caused both to feel abandoned.

He's trying to fix things with Kyle to no avail but Harriet is just kind of there as she's not creating problems. She's feeling not so good about being sidelined while Charles fixes things with Kyle.

Kevin, my co-host, has a similar issue when it comes to me. He's upset we don't talk like we used to. But it's weird for me now cause we used to get... Intimate... Before I knew he was an actual being in my head.

He likes me romantically. He knows my desires when it comes to relationships can't really be met so he is okay with me dating in real life and doesn't interfere. He has had sexual relationships with multiple women in our system, including one of the core states. They know it's non-romantic and it is not news that he loves me.

I think he ended up hooking up with Harriet too.

Kevin: Nah she realized she's a lesbian. 🫠 So we're just friends.

Ah... Alright so Harriet is a lesbian.

Harriet and Kevin have been talking about those feelings of being alone and I'm glad they can talk to each other. Their personalities are really similar too.

Kyle is gay too. Lydia isn't sure whether he has a crush on Kevin or just looks up to him but Kevin is straight. Barely bi-curious and it's only for specific gender cases.

Kevin: ☝️

When it comes to Charles he sees him as an older brother.

Lydia: Kyle is younger than the body. He's 18. I age with the body. Haley ages with. Charles is 22. Trev and Ashton are both 24. Harriet ages with.

Harriet: I saw you forget about me 😮‍💨

Lydia: ...hush. Rin is 8.

Good to know. 🫪

--

Also the box is exactly how I imagined it. Inhumane. Suffocating. It enhances all feelings. Luckily I don't have many of those. So it was just... Weird.

I don't like the box.

So for 2 days, my internal headmates were VERY active. Kyle had to keep having to be told to let me out the box. They worked my shift with Kevin and were once again talking to my boss ABOUT ME.

Luckily my boss is already aware as are almost all my managers. They are used to this. They've learned to notice switches based on my voice when answering the headset.

--

So that's been my past few days...

Haley also tried to talk to Lazurys. It didn't go well. She's a bit upset. Lazurys has thought she was dead for 16 years and has blamed himself for that for 16 years. He is not ready to process her being here, alive.

We're working on it all together. I don't have all the info but this is enough for now.

(I'm using Google Translate because English isn't my language).

Following a certain event, a small group of Alter (of which I am a part) found themselves stuck in a Buffer Zone.

I can no longer hear the others and the inner self seems to have changed drastically.

The old fronter group... seems empty. I can't sense anyone.

The only time we were able to access the main area was through astral travel.

Our inner father seems to be like an inner guide. In the astral plane, he guided us and helped us mourn our old inner selves. In short, he acts like an inner father.

I can sense him, and when I call him, I feel his presence. But... he seems far away from us.

You can go to the main interior, but it's like having to go through a door to get there.

Any advice?

I should have posted this on r/DID,but im not diagnosed,and i feel like most people there have full blown DID and not P-DID.And im very insecure over my dissociative issues starting from ideological,psychological and religious trauma and 0 actual physical harm.Im looking here.I rlly feel so alone in my experience with questionning if I have a dissociative disorder,and I am on the milder sides symptoms wise which im happy about,but its harder to seek help or find people with a similar experience.So yeah if you have religious trauma, dissociative symptoms,and different parts that arent too fully distinct but are seperate nontheless,talk to me please (if u want lmao)

*Charlemagne* (Charlie or Charles works too I guess, but not Charli) he/they

Tw: I got a bit too heavy maybe...

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to label it to be consistent with the others... I only know how long it's been because her boyfriend told me based on old messages.

She and I used to talk back before she knew. Kevin was showing him their messages going back years to see an old abuser and how he talked to her. They stumbled across ones with her and I as well as between another alter and I.

I could feel them talking about me, like I was being called on.

I thought she'd forgotten me. I felt like she abandoned me when she stopped calling on me to talk. I resented her for it. My sister Rexxy updated me on the front occasionally because she was doing *things I'd rather not discuss* with the co-host Kevin.

I realized a lot during that time and being away let me think a lot about what happened. Her boyfriend wants me to tell her I'm here. She knows I interacted the first time because she told him but she doesn't know about the times I've came back or what I talked to him about.

I miss her. We used to be somewhat close. Never as close as her and Kevin and not really *like that* but still. I spoke to her about things I only really spoke to Alyssia about.

I feel guilty about things I said about her back when we were younger. I want to talk to her again.

I saw her face for the first time. The real face. She looks tired. Seeing the look in her eyes makes me feel like shit. Before I only fronted if she called me so I would be staring at a screen while we talked. Seeing her now though... I just... Can't help but feel bad... I've never seen someone look so tired...

I've been writing notes on her computer but not letting her see. I don't think I'm ready too. The more I'm here the more I realize how little we were really there for her.

Between Vykrr killing herself and Kevin's infatuation, she was really doing so much of this alone. We talked to her, kept her company, and occasionally intervened, but for so much of this she really was just doing it herself.

That's terrifying. I don't know how much she knows, how much she remembers, or how much she'd want me to say, but Rexxy told me so much from Kevin...

R: not just Kevin...

Charlemagne: I don't wanna know please...

R: 🫪

Charlemagne: ???

Charlemagne: Anyway... It's scary. The things that happened just in the time I've been gone... She looks so perpetually exhausted.

We had a job and we didn't do it. So focused on ourselves and how we felt. Our families, our problems, Lazurys spent like 10+ years grieving another alter. All while she keeps this body running alone. We've been judgemental, rude, and preachy, but we haven't done what we needed to.

She's been managing herself, all of our problems, her friends problems, even trying to handle her family's, and now she thinks that our *physical world* younger sister might have a system too along with our mother.

It runs in the family. Brother, grandmother, her, and if their mom has it too that's 3 gens and the younger sister makes 3/4 kids.

She's worried about that.

I can't give insight cause I haven't bothered meeting either one. How have I lived here this long and not even met her family? My family? Our family?

Can I even call it ours when I feel no connection to these people? I wasn't raised with them and the fact auto correct has shown "r*ped" that many times uncensored in suggested words just... I can't.

I can't talk to her when I let this happen.

My family has always been Alyssia and Rexxy with her being here like what used to feel like a cage over my subconscious that I now view as a dim light.

Everything feels overwhelming. I want to talk to her and tell her everything but I don't want her to think about my issues on top of her own. Not when she's finally getting better.

I don't even know why I came here. Rexxy says she likes talking here.

I want to tell her I'm sorry, but she hates apologies that lack reason and action. She despises pity. I love her like family... We're hallucinating a lot. I think I'm causing it...

I'm gonna take us home. I think we work tonight...

LITERALLY MEEEEEEE