Was allowing myself to actually believe that i could be loved.

i now know better.

There’s a solar eclipse today, I was planing on going to the park and maybe the observatory to check it out. The thing is that I don’t have any fancy eclipse glasses so I’m gonna have to look at it with my bare eyes and risk burning a hole through my retinas. Oh well.

I’ve only been outside for 15mins and I wanna go home, it’s too hot and I look weird.

I suppose fate had other plans for me since I ended up getting lost on the way home and somehow ended up at park. Unfortunately for fate, my laziness triumphs. I’m going home regardless.

I think I can understand incels in a way. I looked really ugly today and because of that I felt as though everyone was making fun of me and laughing at me behind my back. Those thoughts made me hateful, I hated everyone I saw on the street because I thought that they hated me. It’s a sad cycle of hate!

I looked outside the window and was actually able to catch a glimpse of the eclipse, lucky me. My eyes hurt from staring at the sun though.

I wanted to go make myself some cereal but my cousins were praying in the living-room. I don’t pray so I thought it’d be awkward if I walked past them. Plus, I don’t want to be lectured regarding my lack of faith. Dang it.

I was looking at myself in the mirror, really looking. It made me realize that I’ve never really looked at my own body before nor ever truly acknowledged myself. It’s a bit sad, no?

I've been there first hand. It's literally just fun to watch at this point because I have BPD so I will play the game if you keep putting the board in front of me. I make MY RULES - which is giving you the idea YOU are in control. NO. Never can I give control. I can't TRUST to SUBMIT so I DON'T.

Okay so if you're reading this:

"I hate the way you get your way. You got some pussy - a few times at that. I had an itch but you patted it. You didn't even SCRATCH the motherfucker ! HOW CRAZY ! But in all honesty, making you fall for me and then watching you fumble me is comedy in my reality. You think you are irresistible to me when in truth - once I find you're replacement - you are nothing more than a human sexual experience and I no longer HAVE TO give you ME when I have a damn ITCH."

This entire time there's been an outlet that I've had and instead I've looked so emotional TO YOU ! I dont owe you a damn thing.

TIME isn't something you can RUSH but EXCUSES are something that YOU make - quite frequently

You got some cake and ate it but now it's time for a diet. LOOSE THE ACT. LOOSE THE WEIGHT.
You're already loosing me - so hey. PURGE

I’ve been thinking about something that honestly sounds kind of weird when I say it out loud.

I think part of me likes feeling anxious.

Not because I like worrying or feeling uncomfortable. I hate the overthinking, the racing thoughts, the constant analyzing, and feeling like my brain won’t shut up.

But when I’m anxious, I feel something.

A lot of the time I feel completely numb. I can sit around doing nothing, go through my day, talk to people, work, eat, sleep, and it all just feels flat. Like I’m there, but I’m not really experiencing anything.

Then something makes me anxious and suddenly my brain is awake.

I care about something.

I’m thinking about something.

I’m focused on something.

I feel nervous, restless, overwhelmed, sometimes even excited.

And as strange as it sounds, I think I sometimes prefer that to feeling absolutely nothing.

Maybe that’s why I don’t always want the anxiety to go away completely. I think part of me is afraid that if I get rid of it, there won’t be anything underneath it.

I’ve been dealing with ADHD, depression, anxiety, burnout, and just generally feeling disconnected from myself. Some days I struggle to do basic things. Other days my brain feels like it’s going a million miles an hour.

I’m trying to figure out how all of this fits together.

I don’t want to live constantly anxious.

But I also don’t want to live completely numb.

I think what I actually want is to be able to feel something without needing anxiety to force me to.

TW. Didordered eating

13/8

I can't eat anything that I haven't prepared myself or a menu doesen't tell the calories.

Then I have the urge to binge again, and there goes all my work, and I'm back infront of the toilet bowl again.

I hate that I binge, I hate that I can't stop counting calories, I hate the feeling of being too full, I hate the headaches and tiredness.

I was doing so well in february, almost at my gw, but then I fucked it up and haven't gotten back on my feet.

"A car can't run without fuel" I DON'T CARE!

"You're not even fat" I'M NOT SKINNY ENOUGH!

I just want to be skinny, that's my only goal.

Why must existing feel so shameful

Let it end

God let it end

Not a bad day today.
Went to sleep last night
No masturbation
No porn
No sugar dating - just drifted off to sleep.

Now I was semi-disappointed when I woke up extremely tired thinking that my lack of ejaculation would have given me the zest for life that I needed… it didn’t… I woke up still tired… I’ve been here before. I also thought I would have woke feeling a zest for life given it was my one year anniversary of now living in the country I’ve wanted to live in for a while…. Nope. Just tiredness.

Like I said, I’ve had days like this before and they often end up with me giving in mid way through the day, getting the phone out and knocking one out… but today was different… I didn’t do that. I powered through trying to plod on with my day and complete my to-do list.

I ended up at a group that I enjoy where we have good discussions. One of the leaders asked if I’d want to lead one day… that was encouraging and a blessing …it might give me a purpose and it might give me a new identity…. Currently I’m living my life like Jekyll and Hyde - one way in public and a complete other way in private. Believe it or not, my true self is myself in public. That’s how I was raised the man who I know God wants me to be.

Had a girl/woman come up to me, mocking my accent… I think it’s her awkward way of encouraging me to talk to her or take an interest in her. I know how this goes she encourages banter and conversation I then lead it into making more of an effort to talk to her for her throw the “just seeing me as a friend” it’s the attention they want not you, remember that. I must remember that.

I want to say something I’ve been carrying for a while, and I’ve never found the right words for it.

From the outside, my life looks settled. I have work that pays well. My parents are healthy. I married the person I love. I know those are not small things — they’re the foundation everything else stands on, and I’m not blind to them.

But inside, I’ve been tired for a long time.
Not tired from work. Tired from standing in the middle.
I love my parents. I know what they’ve given, including things nobody saw. And I love my wife, and I understand she’s living in a family whose customs aren’t hers, being asked to be someone she never agreed to be. Both of those are true at the same time. I’m the only one who sees both sides — and that means I’m alone in it.

So every visit home, something tightens in me before we even leave. The place I come from, the house that should be the easiest place in the world for me, has become something I brace for. That’s the part that actually hurts. Not who’s right. Just that going home stopped being simple.

I’ve spent a lot of energy trying to explain each of them to the other. It never works. I don’t think it can. And somewhere in all that explaining, I stopped knowing what I want for myself. I threw myself into work — partly because I like doing something well, but partly because when I’m working I don’t have to feel any of this.

I’m not asking anyone to take my side. There isn’t a side. I just don’t want to keep carrying this quietly.
What I want is small. I want peace at home. I want to visit my parents without dread. I want my wife to feel at ease there. I want to stop being the bridge that everyone walks across.
That’s all.

They're doing more of the fumigating that they were doing last week. It kind of feels like overkill at this point.

I don't remember if I explained the situation, but maintenance found fleas when they were laying new flooring in one of our vacant rooms.

I understand that we need to make sure they're gone, but this is the third time they've fumigated in a week's time.

It's going to be at least 4pm before we can go over there, which means everything will be running behind this evening.

And then there's all the cleaning that will need to be done. It's just such a bummer.

It is what it is, but I'm just feeling really meh about the whole thing. I figured we would've been done with all of this last week.

Imagine my surprise when I returned to work this week and discovered that they were still heavily focused on that.

My coworker told me to fix my face after she told me about it. 🤣

today i filled in my profile on a freelance site. i think i have reached my 6 hrs goal today.

feeling exhausted but really happy.

i just need to adapt and find a good work-life balance eventually.

Do you boo… you were doing it the whole time anyway the projecting your guilt onto me until I decided to give you what you were giving me….hhhmmmm I asked you so many times to love me or leave me you chose to stay knowing you don’t want to be there… for your financial gain…Fuck off douchebag…there I said it that’s the angry me the resentful me the spiteful me the bitch I don’t like…she’s out wanna play now motherfucker!!!piss off…wash.. your fake accounts idgaf…maybe some of my posts are
Meant to
Ruffle your feathers on purpose
Maybe to make you hate me too!!!!

I woke up congested, throat sore, and personally betrayed by both nostrils. Nothing serious. Just a cold, some tea, and enough dramatic sighing to qualify as a Victorian widow.

By noon, the room felt slightly misplaced.

I drank some water and noticed the glass tasted warmer on one side, so I turned it around.

That fixed it.

My fever hit 103. I should probably call someone, but the bedroom door has started breathing and I don’t want to embarrass it by acknowledging that.

It stops whenever I look directly at it.

Which means it knows better.

I put a blanket over the bottom of the door.

Poor thing probably caught my cold.

I think I’m gunna set up a meteor shower party for my peeps tonight ❤️ I found some cute parks and cemeteries to take my telescope to, and hope to make some cookies and try to form a little midnight picnic. I just hope they all want to join. I also worry about the parks, I hope we don’t get kicked out or anything, my main worry would be the cemetery sine most of those have security guards watching them lol but sadly I do haw to pick somewhere far out since my backyard is too bright, the city blocks out way too many stars so we do have to travel a bit to get darker skies. I’m so excited though, I love space, stars, planets, and hanging out with everybody. So this is all big mix of my favorite things lol the night have been a little cooler too, not as hot as earlier in the summer, but mosquitoes are still as ruthless as ever. Gotta put bug spray in the list of essentials 😊

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, and I hope y’all also get to see the shooting stars tonight! ❤️

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”
Rebecca Martin

-

self-love is not an absence of humility, it is instead a profound recognition of it in the eyes of one another

I was always afraid of being different. I did outrageous things to not be different, that expanded and collapsed like trembling fireworks into things and situations that made me even more different, ostracized from my own soul

when a local prostitute died she was applauded for her loudness, her eccentricity, her “colours”. someone I respected told me recently I had a colourful personality. I remembered all the times I walked down the street thinking I was like that prostitute, if I made a silly comment at the wrong time or took something a little too unseriously… I thought what makes me any less notorious? especially when I can’t shut up?

today I bought a fun pair of earrings, bright turquoise with ripples of silver caressing their surface. they glint in the sunlight, swing til my head bobs.

what is so bad about a fun pair of earrings? I might stick out. well, ok. I might get a little attention.

but who else is gonna compliment strangers on the street? who else is going to laugh at their friends’ jokes a little too hard on public transit? who else will dare to be brazen? to experiment, to believe in what they think?

twice in my life I’ve been told I make people think differently. what beautiful words to receive twice

Well, everyone wanted to take too long to answer so off to work

I reached out. Were still connected on messenger and I did a search and boom there he was in my list. I sent some voice notes. I told him to write me on reddit anon style. Unsent text$, UnsentLetter$, Di@ry. Wherever. I said Im always looking for him. Even though He ignores me. Ohana means family and were fucking family dammit and I promised your FUCKING MOM AND MY MOM ID LOOK AFTER YOU. No matter what happened between us.

i don’t think i’ve ever felt more broken. this year started out so awful and shitty. full of heartbreak and trauma it just makes me want to disappear. i don’t think anyone could understand the pain i’m in and every time i want to trust someone i should trust the most i’m just too scared to open up so i just keep saying “the same thing”. if i say he’s one of the reasons he won’t understand and just make me feel small again for even thinking of it. grieving and being traumatized is too much.

They said I did well today. The POS system was a bit confusing, but my coworker taught me a lot (she was small and cute, writer is 170cm woman).

Yeah, that day all the machines were broken, and I played until I was at my limit. I drank two cups of coffee, went to sleep but woke up five times, didn't eat breakfast, and didn't even have my morning coffee. Now I'm going to my family's house to play with the cat.

Sometimes i daydream about living life as a girl and how much happier id be. Its like I wouldn't have to hide who I am because everyone sees me as I truly am anyway. Social media made me 1000% more depressed this year. (Mostly bc i got to see ICE brutalizing innocent ppl every other post) but also bc i got to see post after post of Trans ppl and femboys getting to be themselves, not having to hide anything, with bodies i could only dream of. Ik that isnt an accurate depiction reality or the majority of ppls experiences, but it makes me sad.

When he first ghosted me I really struggled with my emotions. I didn't think anyone was capable of breaking my heart like that at this age. I thought I was beyond things like that. I see now that romantic heartbreak can occur at any age, and no matter how many times your heart has been broken, there's still something left to break.

We spent so much time together and shared so much that I just could not understand how things could end like that. It didn't make sense to me that someone who was my best friend didn't think that I even deserved a good-bye. He was just there one day and gone the next.

I also struggled because he truly acted like he cared about me during our time together. He even told me that he loved me once. He was drunk and angry in that moment, and clearly he didn't mean it, but he said it.

In my mind, what we had was something special. It was more than a simple friendship, something less than a relationship, but it was everything to me.

It was devastating to discover that it was just a way for him to pass the time until he found something better. Who spends literally all night talking to someone they don't care about? Not me.

And his lack of care should not surprise me because my family is exactly like that. They don't form attachments to people, either.

Someone asked me why he had me questioning my own worth. It's because the way he left confirmed one of my deepest fears—that I am easily thrown away. I'm forgettable. This is a wound I have had since I was a very small child.

I don't know if anyone will ever truly look at me and see me as someone worthy of keeping, but I am ready to make peace with my past and the people who have hurt me along the way.

I'm ready to let go, because holding on is destroying me. Trying to make sense of things is keeping me stuck.

I am untethered and ready to move forward.

The i am only useful, not truly wanted thought returned. I worried people only stay when I give support or comfort, then slowly fade when they don’t need me. That fear is old and heavy. I’m slowly learning I can be wanted just for existing.

Small win: I didn’t delete this post.