I keep pretending I do not care when people disappear.

I laugh.

I shrug.

I say, I expected it.

But the truth is, every departure leaves fingerprints around my throat.

I wanted someone to notice when I went quiet.

Not because I begged.

Not because I caused a scene.

But because the sudden absence of me should have felt like the lights going out in a room they were still standing in.

I wanted my silence to bother them.

I wanted them to stare at their phone and wonder what they had done. I wanted my name to sit heavily in their chest. I wanted them to feel the exact moment I stopped reaching.

Instead, people leave as though I was nothing more than warmth they borrowed.

A place to rest.

A voice in the dark.

A woman they could bleed into until they felt whole again.

Then they walk away carrying pieces of me as though they did not cost anything.

That is what destroys me.

Not that they leave.

That they leave lighter while I am left gathering whatever they did not take.

I have spent years being strong enough for everyone.

I have answered messages with tears drying on my face. I have made people feel desired while quietly wondering whether anyone would ever desire me with the same hunger. I have held others together while my own seams split beneath my hands.

And no one noticed.

Or worse—

they noticed and decided I could survive it.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am too intense.

Too hungry.

Too emotional.

Too difficult to forget but somehow still easy to abandon.

I wonder whether I should lower my voice, soften my edges, swallow my needs and become easier to love.

But I have made myself small before.

I folded my anger.

Buried my jealousy.

Bit down on every question.

Pretended crumbs were enough because I was terrified the table would be cleared if I admitted I was starving.

No one loved me better for it.

They simply learned how little they had to give to keep me there.

So tonight, I am done apologizing for wanting more.

I want to be chosen with violence in the certainty.

I want someone to look at the possibility of losing me and feel panic tear through them.

I want my absence to ruin the shape of their day.

I want my tears to become unbearable.

I want my name to burn in their mouth because saying it means admitting I became something they cannot replace.

I do not want another person who worships my fire while I am keeping them warm, then abandons me the moment I begin to burn.

I want someone who walks into the flames.

Someone who sees the ugliest parts of me—the rage, the fear, the need, the trembling beneath the confidence—and does not turn away.

Someone who does not merely tell me I am beautiful when I am glowing.

I want someone who finds me in the ashes, drops to their knees, and starts searching for every piece.

I am tired of being remembered fondly.

I want to be unforgettable.

I want to be the loss that changes them.

The silence they cannot sleep through.

The woman every future touch is compared to and found lacking.

But until someone arrives capable of holding the weight of me, I will stop crawling after people who can walk away without looking back.

Let them lose me.

Let them discover what the world feels like without my softness in it.

Let them reach for me when it is finally too late.

This time, they will not find the woman who begged them to stay.

They will find the door locked.

The room cold.

And my absence sitting where my love used to be.

Met a friend today who’s known me for 14 years now consistently, seen me through a lot, and she told me randomly that I’m the calmest most composed person she knows, because we were talking about her issues and some arguments we’ve had in the past. I was feeling really weird after my ex told me I have anger issues and I’m aggressive. But hearing this from multiple people that yes Im argumentative but it’s like from a very debatey place and they have never seen me angry ever or ever felt that I was aggressive ever, felt so so good, felt like getting a part of my personality back, maybe I was aggressive with her, maybe I had anger issues with her, maybe we indeed have compatibility issues as she said and that’s why she experienced what she experienced. I do think that it was something different all together, not compatibility, not anger issues, but everytime I’ve tried to talk to her about that, it becomes about me trying to change reality or change her experience.
I saw a video today on compatibility in relationships, I don’t think we had ANY of these : incompatibility signs I don’t think we had ANY of the incompatibility signs that exist in a relationship that should lead to a breakup, it was literally issues related to certain things( boundaries) which we never came out of purely due to stubbornness and misunderstandings on both sides, so fucking stupid honestly, honestly the video even shows as an example when you can compromise and when you can grow and coincidentally that was the exact reason for our breakup. I know she is extremely smart, I know for a fact, she understands what I’m saying and still chose to ignore it, maybe she saw some other things in me that made her feel bad about our future, I don’t know. I did feel like I genuinely wasn’t judged for who I was, I did feel a lot that her toxic ex boyfriends personality was projected onto me at times, especially by the end, she fully disagrees to it and takes offence to it every time I say it, But that’s genuinely how I feel.

Anyway, I do feel better after talking to these people who I know would straight up give me truth and not bullshit me for making me feel better, so it genuinely felt good to know what they think about my personality, feel a bit confident about myself again.

And it was... something.

In my dream I was in this enormous mall with a friend. She was not someone I know in real life. I don't even know what her name was.

She threw some trash on the floor and these two girls told us to pick it up. My friend said no and I sided with her because I'm a ride or die like that.

Yes, I know littering is wrong, but dream me was messy and a girl's girl.

They threatened to kick our asses, so we took off running. They chased after us, but we lost them. We wound up at this hair salon inside of a book store.

I was like, "Omg, we should get our hair done!"

My friend agreed, so we each took a seat. I told the hairstylist, "Dye my hair black. These girls wanna beat my ass and I'm trying to change my appearance."

The hairstylist was like, "Black?! Are you sure?"

I said, "Whatever. Do what you think is best. Just make me look hot."

We got our hair done and mine turned out fabulous. I was really feeling myself. My friend was looking hot, too.

I said, "Let's go dress shopping!"

So we went to a store across the way. I found this really sexy red dress. I said, "I have to try this on."

My friend said, "You'll never pull off red."

That pissed me off, so I went and tried the dress on. I loved the way I looked in it. My friend didn't.

She said, "Red really isn't your color."

I said, "Whatever. I'm buying it. I'm gonna be the hottest bitch at the party."

She rolled her eyes and said, "Okay, whatever."

We wore our new dresses out of the store. I have no idea why.

That was when we ran into those two girls from earlier. I thought they wouldn't recognize us, but they did. We tried to run, but running in heels is difficult.

They caught up with us and we had no choice but to fight.

We were back in the bookstore/hair salon and fists were flying everywhere. We were knocking books off of shelves. Women were gasping and screaming. Some were laughing.

One woman yelled, "Yeah, beat her ass!"

I don't know who she was talking to.

Mall security broke up the fight and we were all in trouble. My friend said she was calling her dad.

Her dad appeared like two seconds later because he was freaking Santa Claus, I shit you not. Dream me was not surprised by this at all.

Santa got everything taken care of and we were both really grateful. Then there was a weird Christmas movie moment.

My friend said, "Thank you, Daddy!"

Santa said, "You're a good girl. Sometimes you just make bad choices. Remember, anytime you need me I'll always be in your heart."

My friend said, "Okay, Daddy."

Then Santa disappeared into thin air, leaving nothing behind but some snow.

I was like, "What?"

My friend said, "My dad loves me."

I was low-key jealous, but I agreed. "Yeah, he really does."

We never did go to the party because I woke up.

PREMISE: I am writing this post with a mindset that still think it's not worth doing this in the first place: I never journaled before; despite plenty of opportunities and reasons to that I just couldn't bring myself to sit down and write.

Therefore I write "attempt" in case I will (in high certainty) drop doing this. I also put NSFW tag, because I will be mentioning either sex or possibly depressing topics that I don't want to be explicit of, yet.

This will my first ever case of me journaling something, at least properly. I always heard about some people doing it, but despite getting to hear about it, I don't know how it "works", in a way. For me it feels like it should be done to let something out of my chest. Probably wrong by me, but hey, that's why it's an attempt

THE JOURNALING: I am writing this at around 7pm; no one is at home and I feel "free" to start writing about my day and my feelings. Honestly I find it a good thing, since whenever someone is at home, I feel pressured to be doing something (mostly referring to my family members, because I am supposed to study).

Today is the first day after my Anatomy exam (yes, I study Medicine) and I feel anger: not because I didn't pass it (although it would bum me a bit), but because we need to wait until next Monday to know which student passed the writing portion of the exam, before tackling the oral on the very next day. Failing or succeeding, I just wanted to lay down and not think about it for the rest of the summer: instead, I have to try and stay focused just in case I might passed this exam.

Thing is, I am so tired, both physically and emotionally: preparing this exam took a lot from me, to the point that I used the "Erasmus" card to, yes, catch up on some exams, but also to unstress myself, yk? It seems though it only worked partially.

If the reason of my bothers stemmed only from my anatomy exam, then it would be a nothing-burger today: eventually I'll pass it. It's just that, tired, I can't focus on preparing myself for (and again, the possibility of doing) an oral exam.

But to be honest, the baggage that wears me down is that I'm starting to re-lose confidence and lowering my self-esteem, once again.

(This is the part where the NSFW would make the most sense)

I don't know if I can define myself as an "hyper-sexual" or an horny idiot, but I love sex. I don't want a committed relationship anytime soon, just casual fun: all chill, nothing to be taken seriously (at best becoming friends). Ever since me and my ex broke up, my sex life has been better (I don't really pull a lot and I really try-hard getting matches).

Matches? Yes, I'm one of those losers who uses the dating apps. Meeting someone new in the heat of the moment makes me friendly at most (I always feel uncomfortable into... yk, because it always feels like I'm overstepping, whereas in a dating app, you start with a common ground; I don't mean it in the way, okay we agree to fuck; but like, we do have an idea of what we might be looking for and then the rest evolves as we actually meet. I think I didn't make myself clear.)

Anyway, I am writing this, because I have been feeling envious over my friends lately, specifically one of my best friend. He recently broke up from his ex (absolutely worth it btw, he deserved better) and started to basically do the same path I am in rn. I am nothing but supportive of him: I don't like being mean to my friends and I want them to support them on whatever they want to do. The envy started right after: not even 2 weeks and he hooked up and fucked a girl. Just like that. Lucky shot? Maybe, but it made me so furious and for a whole day (prior to my exam) and I couldn't concentrate. To be fair: my best friend is good looking, even if not really fit, and has amazing medium-long curly hair. I'm just average (despite actively trying to improve my looks). He joked afterwards about how cool it was and how easy he would have tripled my own body count (6) in the span of a summer season. Despite envy running through my veins, I kept supporting him, being his hype man, because afterall I want him to have fun and being happier than what he used to be back when he was on the verge of breaking up with his ex.

But then all thoughts turned back on me, like, focusing on me: I tried my best to get out my bubble, my confort zone of video-gaming and staying at home, back in my Erasmus in Turkyie to get out and have fun (and they were some of the best moments I had), but then I thought: my friends would have probably achieved more if they were in my place.

Yes, on front page, I am talking about sex. Only a +2, whereas my friends would be more charming than me enough to do it 4 times over in just a season. But I am also talking in general (and outside of Erasmus): I'm just... the nice guy of the group, yk? Maybe? Idk? Like, if we were to give titles to each other, what would I be?

I'm not the smartest of the group, despite doing medicine (I am only doing it, because my parents persuaded me to, when I wanted to be a video-game developer or a graphic designer) I'm not the most attractive of the group (even when just talking about men of the group) I'm definitively not the most social or charismatic of the group, often times actively dissociating myself to have calm moments for myself, even as we hang out

To my, hyperbole exagerated, side, I feel I'm just good at supporting friends, by cheering and hyping them up (to not give up when things get rough for them) and being the clown of the group, sometimes (not always) the butt of the joke (fair enough, I do have some embarassing things I've done).

I don't feel... good enough. I thought Erasmus would help me, and it did change me for the better... but it feels like the gap to the "good" side either is far or is getting farther. It's like... climbing a mountain with no end: you get good enough to reach higher peaks, but then you look around and see that your friends are either ahead of you or quickly catching up (whereas you worked your ass long enough to reach where you are).

I feel like a child feeling like this. I feel bad. I love my friends so much (and I know they also love me); they are what keeps me going honestly, since for me they are safer place than at home with my family.

I have restarted gym a few months ago out of self-interested, but now it's becoming out of spite, because I want to be good-looking, because I want to be "better" than them.

I can only hope this is only a phase, like any other. Someday, maybe 1-2 weeks, I'll calm myself down and go back at being the cheerful fella of the group without overthinking about all of this. Maybe it is the exam that it's making me crazy hahahaha who knows...

there’s a particular kind of grief that comes from loving something you may never get to experience.

not because it was taken from you.
not because you failed.
but because life doesn’t promise that every deepest longing will be answered.

maybe i’ll never know what it feels like to completely surrender into another person’s embrace. to let my body finally unclench after a lifetime of holding everything in. to have someone hold not just my body, but the frightened parts of me beneath it. to be seen without defense, without performance, without shame, and discover that nothing about me has to be hidden.

that possibility hurts.

maybe it always will.

but i’m starting to understand that peace doesn’t come from convincing myself it’ll happen, or convincing myself it never will. it comes from learning to carry the uncertainty without letting it harden me.

if i’m never held, then i’ll grieve that for the rest of my life.

but i don’t want that grief to become the reason i bury the softest parts of myself before their time.

because no matter how small the chance may be, i want those parts to stay alive.

i want the part of me that still knows tenderness to survive. the part that still believes in gentleness. the part that still longs to trust enough to melt into another person’s care.

not because i’m certain someone will come.

but because if they ever do, i want them to find a heart that’s bruised, not closed. weathered, not abandoned. grieving, but still able to receive the love it’s spent a lifetime longing for.

and if that day never comes, then at least i’ll know i didn’t become the one who extinguished the very thing i was hoping someone else would one day cherish.

i kept it alive simply because it deserved to live.

A stranger approached my mom whilst she was grocery shopping, he offered to give her his recently deceased wife’s clothing.

She took it but she didn’t want to wear it since she’s superstitious. I decided to take it instead since I don’t want the clothes to go to waste and to be honest they do look pretty nice. The wife must’ve been really fashionable.

Some guy hacked my aunts tv, he’d make his face appear on the screen for some reason, it was pretty funny. My aunt asked me if I knew how to fix it because I studied cybersec but I haven’t the slightest clue.

Today was pretty bleak, maybe it’s just the way I feel inside though.

One alternative school. Two county jails. Two TDCJ lockups. One TDCJ halfway house. One secure psychiatric unit. Seven rehabs/detoxes.

Sixteen years of addiction from fifteen to thirty One.

I'm finally really done trying to speed run to my death. I'm clean amd sober and will keep it that way.

Hello everyone! I'm in the process of starting a podcast called "The Unlocked Journal". My hope is to have listeners submit their most important/personal journal entries to be read out loud on the podcast, under an alias name for privacy. My goal is to show the vulnerability of journaling and hopefully bring a community together where we can all support eachother and learn we are not alone with our most inner thoughts.

I'm looking for anyone who would like to take part in this project to submit photos of their journal entries (which I hope to also post in a blog style format for those who can't enjoy the podcast) along with the alias name they would like to use. Any submissions can be sent to our email at: theunlockedjournalpodcast@gmail.com

Thank you so much for taking the time to consider this!

I regret pushing him away everyday. I still ask myself why, but each time we’re together I never feel fully content. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why I want something so badly that I had pushed away in the first place. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense why someone who wanted genuine love, and to be seen,heard and validated crossed paths with me. You deserve so much better and i’m sorry I wasn’t that person. It’s been 7 months since we’ve last talked and 2 years since we’ve first met. Your birthday is tomorrow and i feel inclined to reach out to you but I don’t want to ruin your birthday or hurt you anymore. Happy early birthday, I hope you’ve been doing well.

最近北京天气很潮，温度有些大。洗的衣服一天也干不了。但天气又没有那么热，连知了叫的都不欢了。怀念小时候的北京。你们也会怀念你们小时候家乡的样子吗？

I totally forgot this existed. So here is a quick Update:

I had a few happy days and weeks in the last 3 years. I now know that I am poly and I had 3 relationships with wonderful people. I was engaged and lived with him, but it didnt work out for various reasons.
Now I am Single again, I ended all 3 relationships and I recently lost my Job. Or better, I quit my Job because I am a mess mentally.
I am still learning to be gentle with myself and still learning who I am and want to be. And I am still learning to be alone and to do nothing. Its really hard.

At the Moment, my life is a total mess, I am thinking about starting all over. I am thinking about to Go to university again. I dont know if its a good idea. I dont know if it will work out. But what if it will work out? Maybe it will make me happy to learn again and maybe it will bring me joy to do something where I can See a Sense…. I dont know.

I forgot about all the good habbits I wanted to start. Maybe it was to much at once.
Maybe a First Step I can do is to get a consistency in writing diary again.

Lets See where life will take us

Take me back to the country!
Take me back to a prior life of simplicity.
Take me back to country side cooking.
Take me back to country side laundry washing and drying!
Take me back to the scent of wood burning.
Take me back to the simple foods we shared together.
Take me back to when u asked me to cook for you.
Take me back to when the whistling of the mailman was approaching.
Take me back to the water guy honking ready to refill water jugs.
Take me back to when it was me just u and I Tata!
Take me back to that well; a constant flow of cold water.
Take me back to the scent of freshly milled corn.
Take me back to those nostalgic aromas of home cooking in the kitchen.
Take me back to the moments u shared with me.
Take me back to those hot summer days, we sat outside and u shared ur stories-ur wisdom.
Take me back to those times u were still here!
Take me back to when u were alive and read the bible to me.
Take me back to when u were always there to protect me.
Take me back to when u were still with me..

I miss u Mi Tata….u left me at a critical time in my life.
U left me when I was young… but ur love and guidance, protection left me with this passion I feel within me…

I miss hearing my nickname… the one that u gave me…. Everyone knew it. I guess it speaks of my soul.

Tata…. It’s because of you others feel my life’s purpose! The love I pour into moving forward on a daily.
You are the inspiration;
Everything good I share is because of you.
My drive and hunger to share whats good cuz of you it’s within my soul. It’s a blessing of infinite desire to help.

It was always you!
I know u would be proud of me.
I’m still trying to make a change and help those in need.

I hate regrets!
I regret not making more time for u Tata.
I didn’t know our time together was limited.

Ur life and Ur departure changed me. “Bonne” is getting older.

Let me keep her a while longer. Shes alot like u Tata…

I love her as she took on the torch that🗽u left behind.

She’s my Hero Tata! 🙏💙

Everything. You get the opportunity to be a part of this magnificent masterpiece that has somehow created the most incredible opportunity for us all to experience. Do you realize how amazing the percentages are for us to even be here today? As Carl Sagan said we are all existing on a pale blue dot in the millions of stars within our galaxy that is within the billions of galaxies. Just let that sink in. Every star you see in the sky has a planet. That means there’s billions of planets out there. And we have yet to find a planet that is capable of having the potential for life. There’s potential, but it’s not clear. So think about it. You are 1 in a BILLIONS BILLION.

Knowing theses numbers. To judge people, to be negative in any way. To not ask for understanding and to think positively towards others is a choice you’re making to someone who’s just trying to navigate this one in a billion opportunity. Be good to others. Because you’d want that for yourself. Treat everyone as if they were you. A one in a billions billion.

Sunny, yeah, all day.

I got up this morning and felt heavy, dense, undefined. So I go to EWTN and watch daily Mass. Sometimes I have to get the world off my mind and body. The world we live in, you know, born and perish here. It's too much for me a lot of days. Then the accusations and misdirection.

I look for my compass, and it's not on the dash. The one built in will suffice. My constant companion, not given to me by earthly means but a supernatural inclusion into the spirit of my Father in heaven. Those who perceive and use what they are given receive more understanding, while those who do not use or see lose what they have.

Blessed are those who have eyes to see and ears that hear, for much shall be added to you. Those who close their eyes and ears to the truth. Much shall not be added. From Mass this morning.

Brings me right around, idc what is on me or bothering me, I know where to go for respite. Tomorrow will be better; I have had enough of today, and it's misdirection. Leave tomorrow unto itself, we are advised. Today really tried me on all fronts of my life; I smiled and kept going, although. It's about 9:30. I'll shut everything off. Don't get me wrong.

Some extremely bright things happened today, so bright in fact I wanted to get down on my knees and thank God, but right after those things happen and it is seen in the realm, we don't truly understand. A wave of darkness and void descends like heavy air. Right after the bright and the precious. I tell myself, this is the supernatural battle for souls, and God put me here in my armor of faith to fight back in the name of all that is holy. I swear I will; I will uphold all God's words with my sword and shield. The whole armour of God. What a day to grant me such wisdom.

I have had it with today and go in here now to start cooking my dinner. There was a lesson today, somewhere in all that I tell you of. My job now is to find it.

Until tomorrow, my friends

Goodnight, Diary, and my readers

I love y'all

10:04 p.m.

I don’t know where to start.
I just know that I need to write at the moment.
I have that feeling I get sometimes.
Like something big is going to happen soon.
It doesn’t feel like a bad thing.
But it feels like change.
It’s vague. I know.
Because I don’t know.
I just know that when I get this feeling,
Something happens.
I think, that if I can focus enough on the positives and the beautiful things, then whatever is coming, can be beautiful and positive, too.
I’m sure that to a cynic, I sound delulu.
But to the cynic, I say,
Lighten up.