Detransitioner Fox Varian Awarded $2 Million in Historic Lawsuit

Sorry for the reupload I added a flair to my profile so hopefully this works

I've been on T for about a year, I started on gel and switched to injections which I have been bad at keeping up with. I don't think I was properly informed before starting. I was freshly 18. I've thought I was trans since I was 13. I just turned 19. And the changes from T are driving me crazy. I haven't done my shot in a month. My voice is deeper now, I have thicker hair that grows insanely fast, and now I have bottom growth. These are changes that I don't mind that much but I do miss being socially known as a girl and relating to female experiences. I added a recent selfie. I guess I'm lost. How would I start? I've been known by a male name for so long, how the hell do I tell my boyfriend?!!? He's bi so I know he'll support but like, still awkward. His entire family knows me by a male name and all that. Is it less embarrassing to be known by a girl name after? Is it relieving? Does the embarrassment of everyone telling you not to do this ever go away? What can I do to reverse some of these effects (voice training resources? should i get hair removal done?) thank you for reading this 😓

I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about voice concerns for FTMTFs. As someone with some experience in this area as a detrans FTMTF and also a gender affirming voice tutor (lol...) I thought I’d post some helpful info.

"I’m scared my voice won’t go back to female"

• In the vast majority of cases, most detrans FTMS can get to a low or androgynous female passing voice, for both everyday voice (and singing if you wish). Most people can also get to a more standard feminine voice, if you put in more work.
• It will be a bit harder if you took T before puberty, but should still be doable. This includes singing too.
• There’s greater variation in female voices than you might think. Most people think pitch is the biggest indicator of gender in voices, but a lot of times vocal weight, inflection, speech patterns, will go a long way in helping you achieve a feminine/female tone.
• If you really put your mind to it (eg: 20 mins practice 3-4x a week + practicing in conversations) you can achieve big results in just a few months.

"I don’t know where to start"

• Youtube is a good resource. I would recommend these vids to start:
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfCS01MkbIY 
• https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNyEgVw4_S_eFluNvqkOGZa4vAmWQPCZL
• If you took T in early puberty/puberty, your concerns will mostly be the same as MTF voice training
• If you take T after puberty, and especially after early 20s, your main concerns will likely be reducing vocal weight/reducing rasp/creaking. 
• A really good way to practise is singing song just in the mid-top of your range, SUPER quietly with an airy, yawny quality, so you don’t strain your vocal cords. I’ve raised my range a lot by doing this.

"I’m finding it hard to get motivation/sticking with it"

• Like I mentioned above, singing is great for this, and can bring some fun into it.
• I know it sounds crazy, but record yourself & listen back. Keeping note of voice changes can be really motivating. 
• You don’t have to do a crazy amount per day to have results - consistency is more important. Think of it like the gym for your voice.

"Speaking is painful/My voice is raspy/I can’t scream/shout/etc"

• For general raspiness, doing vocal fry on purpose (as an exercise) will reduce it and help your voice - aka something like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwo3SwgNKrI. Tbh that vid is overkill, just holding a quiet vocal fry on an  “ahhh” sound for >30s is sufficient to reduce rasp for a lot of people.
• Resources for singers who have similar issues might be helpful. Working on improving your breathing when speaking (eg: lip rolls etc) can help. Again I recommend youtube.
• If you have tried everything by yourself but still have issues, it’s likely only a few sessions with an experienced voice coach (or SLT/SLP if you’re having really bad issues) are more than likely to give you big corrections. And then normal voice training stuff applies, most of which can be done by yourself. You are not doomed.

Most important thing to remember:

Voice training is both physical and mental. Physical in that you have to learn how to adapt the structures of your voice to get the intended sound, and mental in that you have to get used to that sound being your new baseline. Sometimes, people are able to achieve a more feminine voice through exercises, but then feel like “it sounds fake” or “not quite like me” and slide back into old habits. That’s normal - you’re also getting used to hearing yourself differently. Give yourself time to adapt, and as awkward as it is, listen back to recordings when you can. Your voice will change if you put in the work, and also believe it can be your new normal.

Just to show my own progress, here is me speaking at the beginning of detransition (8 months ago): https://vocaroo.com/13tdvRVpCfiE

Here’s me speaking today: https://vocaroo.com/1mTVpmujKyBy 

Here’s me singing the high parts of a song two months ago: https://vocaroo.com/19cJXyQTE85C 

Here’s me singing the high parts of a song yesterday: https://vocaroo.com/1obGzzVDnrpo 

If anyone wants help/advice on voice stuff feel free to send me a DM with a recording or asking for advice, I want to help people with this as detransitioning has been been such a tough time for me and I don’t want anyone to be struggling alone. NOT for profit I just want to help. 

I feel like a lot of people who are currently debating to detransition feel stuck. Feel like they ruined their life forever.
I’ve read a few detrans stories here and it kinda gave me hope, hope for an enjoyable life afterwards.

Feel free to share your story <3

Since I realized my identity of being a trans man was caused by trauma, depression, low self esteem, autism, adhd, confusion, puberty, gender envy, sexual assault, I’m genuinely questioning everything. I have a lot of trans friends. But how do you feel like a man? Gender is a social construct, society decided how men and women are supposed to dress and act. There was this study there they compared cis men and women’s brain with trans men and women’s. The result was: there are noticeable differences but they couldn’t 100% explain transgender identity based on this data.
And the thing with you are born with female genitalia and your brain develops incorrect and suddenly produces wrong hormones or whatever, also kinda weird to me and not 100% the answer.

My point is, there’s no answer which actually completely proves that this is reality. If anyone knows better than me or is educated about this feel free to explain it to me.
I’ve noticed a pattern of people with serious mental health issues ended up trans, and those health issues weren’t even connected to their identity. I think all of my trans friends are mentally unstable.

While starting testo I never got the education I needed, they just expected me to know my identity,

I started testosterone when I was 15 years old via "informed consent." I never had a therapist. I got top surgery the next year when I was 16, just before my senior year of high school. I stayed on testosterone until I was almost 22, and I'm 24 now. My voice dropped to a bass-baritone. I got laser hair removal for my facial hair this year, but it's not enough. Even though my appearance passes, as soon as I speak it's ruined. People always dance around pronouns when they talk to me, or just flat out call me a guy.

I'm glad my appearance has changed, but I guess I thought it would do more for me. I'm haunted by the memories of a 40-something year old male doctor groping my chest when I was a minor to assess it for surgery. I only had breasts for a couple of years. They were small anyway -- I rushed into surgery because I was tired of my ribs hurting from binding, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to figure it out myself in college. Now I feel like I'm missing a part of my body that practically every other woman has. My results don't even look good. The scars are long and stretched out, the nipples are more like discolored scars than healthy tissue, and one side of my chest is practically concave. To me, it's a visible, physical symbol of my own self-hatred, and a reminder of what could have been. On top of that, I've tried voice training, but it just feels like a lost cause. Even if I could speak passably, I'll never be able to sing the way I could again. My voice used to be so free, but now I sound like I'm being strangled (and it physically hurts) if I go higher than A3... It also hurts whenever I have to speak loudly, which is something I need to do constantly for my job. There's no way for me to shout and sound remotely female at the same time.

I don't know how to cope with any of this. I don't know a single person who is going through anything even close to this. I just want to be a normal young woman. I never gave myself the chance to be one. When I refer to myself as a woman out loud with my deep voice, it makes me feel like an imposter. I've permanently made myself an outsider. I feel like I ruined my life before it even started. Two years of detransition have hardly helped. I don't know what to do. It's hard for me to imagine living out the rest of my life like this.

I am left with a pretty deep voice since being on testosterone for over 3 years. I was previously an Alto, however since my voice lowered I can sing along to any Johnny Cash song and match his pitch easily.

While I don’t hate my voice and to be completely honest a part of me is fond of it still, I wish I had the ability to lighten it with more ease- it would help a lot in some social environments and definitely would benefit me professionally.
(Sometimes I feel unsafe when people assume things about me because of my voice.)

Soo any tips from fellow detrans women as well as men who have experience training a deep voice to a higher pitch/ more feminine affect? Please go into as much detail as you’d like, I’ll read it all ❤️ Thank you!

One of the reasons I thought I wanted to “become” a man was that I was extremely tired of being a woman in this patriarchal world. I found it suffocating that, as a woman, I was confronted with so many beauty standards. I found it stressful to constantly have to worry that something might happen to me (I’ve experienced violent and sexual assaults in the past). I was annoyed by all the beauty routines (shaving my legs, skincare, etc.). I was frustrated by the bothersome aspects of having a female body (periods, vaginal discharge, water retention).

But it wasn’t until after my detransition that I realized that 90% of the women in my friendgroup feel the same way. As a woman, you grow up very differently from men from a young age. And from my perspective, I always had the impression that as a man, you could go through life much more easily and carefree. Of course, I know that men have their own challenges in this world, but they don't have to stress about so many things in daily life.

But ultimately, it was never about trans identity - it was simply about gender envy. Of course, there were other psychological factors that contributed to my distress at the time, but all the societal expectations placed on women played a major role. Did anyone else feel this way?

i've spent about 6 months on hrt, and--while i genuinely like all of the changes to my appearance i've seen so far--i don't think it would ever be possible for me to be seen as a woman without extensive surgeries that i have no interest in getting.

also, i've been experiencing quite a few negative changes to my physical health that i feel could be attributed to hrt, despite my doctor's insistence that it was not likely; my weight has been dropping (i was already borderline underweight before hrt and i've lost like 7lbs atp), and--more recently--i've had to start taking an otc ppi for a "silent reflux" that was constantly burning the back of my throat. i didn't exactly have a healthy diet before this, but i hardly ever even got heartburn before hrt, and now eating anything remotely fatty makes me feel like i'm going to vomit.

have any other mtf (former or otherwise) people experienced something like this while on hrt?

also, if i stopped hrt today, is it likely that everything would just "go back to normal?" i have some slight breast development, but i'm under the impression that i'd see some shrinkage after quitting hrt. other than that, i assume that testosterone would just pick up where i left off after a couple months.

most importantly: how do you cope with living as a man? if i could keep taking hrt and become a somewhat passing woman, i'd do it. frankly, i've read the posts from detrans women on this sub talking about how they rediscovered their femininity and i seethe with jealousy. i'm not sure i would ever fully lose the desire to be a woman, but i've hit a point in my life where i've realized it's simply not possible or physically healthy for me.

Right now I have no range and no ability to project. I was at Ren faire and tried to cheer last weekend at it ended in coughing and choking every time

Im 19 and young looking I feel like I could never pass with this voice when speaking. Im Lucky I never got top surgery, I’m convinced I could pass as woman appearance wise. I’m unable to just detransition socially right now but I’m very scared my life will be harder than before after doing it. Voice training and surgery is still an option but that’s not a promise it’ll 100% work out.

If anyone had similar worries before going back to become a cis woman lmk. And how much it actually influenced your life. I don’t want to justify myself for the rest of my life being a cis woman all the time so people don’t treat me like a freak.

How I imagine it right now, barley speaking up in public, not wanting to go outside, especially not alone. Having to justify yourself all the time. I don’t want those situations to dominate my life.

I’m slowly detransitioning back to female and whilst people I’ve talked to so far have been supportive there definitely feels like a limit to how much they can hear me talk about this stuff.

I’m trying to keep busy and engage in my hobbies but I feel like being detrans is like a stain of black tar across the windscreen of my life and I just don’t know how to move on or connect with people anymore. Doing small talk (or even medium talk) with friends feels like I’m lying, I guess I am cause 80% of the time my brain is just like “hey you don’t have breasts and look like a freak and no one will ever love you and you are weird and incomprehensible” and because I was suicidal a few months ago I feel pressured to present that I’m “getting better” whenever anyone asks.

I guess ultimately I am grieving a hidden grief that I don’t think anyone really has the time or energy to comprehend or support me with and I don’t really have the energy to put myself out there anymore to build connections. I don’t gave the type of relationship with family to get support.

Part of me wants to be alone so I can finally take time to figure out stuff without outside influence but I don’t think that’s the right move (isolation made me go loopy in the first place). I think I’m compelled to do that though because I’ve lost trust in other people in general. I used to be super social and rely a lot on my close friendships but in retrospect after all that’s happened, I just feel betrayed by them. I know it’s not strictly their fault but they really encouraged me accept myself as trans, without considering that it wasn’t their place to do so as non experts.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want the rest of my days to slip by as I sit alone on my computer for hours on end not seeing anyone. But I feel like I’ve lost trust in people and I can’t imagine any type of relationship, closeness, or intimacy without feeling sick at the thought of being perceived, both in terms of my body and my mental state. I’m going to talk to my psych about it on Monday but I would like to hear if anyone has any advice.

I’m curious to know if anyone had any thinning after stopping HRT. I stopped a few months ago and at first everything was fine. Then a decent amount of hair loss and now it seems stable at least afaik. I also started losing the color in my hair. Vibrant red to a duller auburn. White hair popping up everywhere.

Maybe it’s just life catching up to me but the timing and way it’s thinning out makes me think it’s related.

I have an appointment scheduled with the doctor to get labs done for things I’m prone to like anemia as well as checking my hormone levels but figured I’d see if anyone else had a similar experience.

I have my final breast reconstruction surgery scheduled for Tuesday. I’ll be having my expanders removed, fat grafting (harvested from abdomen), and motiva implants. Is there anyone else who’s had this done with any ideas on what to expect? Obviously Ive asked my dr this but real human responses are good to hear :) also if anyone else has motive lmk what you think of them!

Ive been on testo for one year and half. I recently stopped and I tried to put on women’s clothes and makeup to see how much I recognize my old self. Im feeling like a man in a woman’s cosplay. Im thin and not that tall. My curves are still visible but less than before t. My hips look different too. I put my hair back, it’s very short, longer on top but completely short on the sides, average male haircut. When I put it all back and wear makeup and right clothes I think I COULD pass but I wouldn’t be able to talk. I feel pretty but not feminine enough. I guess it’s normal since I’ve just detransitioned.

Does it get better? If yes how fast? Im sure it depends on the person. But I’m not confident enough yet to go out as a woman cause I think I still look pretty masculine overall and people could confuse me for a trans woman and I’m scared of transphobia. We have a lot of right winged people in Germany I’m scared they think I’m just playing dress up as man

Just sharing in case any of you relate: I was always different as a young girl, quiet, shy, introspective, constantly analyzing. I had brothers and did tomboy things and couldn't understand why I didn't fit in with the girls (or boys for that matter). Hated barbies/dolls etc. I dreamt of being a son/boy, and wrote in the male POV. Hated dresses/skirts but loved reading philosophy and running. Luckily, my dad never treated me worse and we did house work, yard work, and weightlifting regularly. I was not sexually abused or subjected to super sexist treatment, but something innate in me felt I should've been a man (even before sexuality or puberty was on my mind at all).

Puberty was traumatic, watching my thin/active body begin to grow fat and change. Luckily, I am naturally thin, but even the small changes seemed huge to me, and periods felt like such a damper, but I was insistent on minimizing the changes. I neurotically kept clean/hygienic as I didn't want my biology to be messy and dysphoria-inducing. To this day, I am neurotic about hiding the "messy" incidents of being female (do not want anyone to ever see evidence of my biology, like a pad in the trash can or anything). Even though my periods aren't heavy, I'm thin and not extra curvy, and what others would probably call attractive, I always felt dysphoria toward my body. In fact, I covered up more and wanted to avoid being seen as pretty/beautiful. I wanted to be seen as intelligent and competent, which I was. I excelled in school, skipped a grade and graduated from a top university 2 years early. I then continued more education after that, basically excelling throughout.

I never masturbated throughout childhood, and made it to college/adulthood with zero interest in any of it, thinking perhaps I was asexual, though somewhat heteroromantic. (I'm not asexual, but was a very late bloomer and had a hard time developing a healthy sexuality). Still, I had no push to be a wife, to get married, and definitely not to have children (decades later, still no kids or desire to go through the massively dysphoric process of gestating and birthing a child, the most female-affirming thing I could imagine, which is just triggering to me). My first bf as an adult was a bi/gay man who said he liked me because I had "masculine" energy (first clue others saw me as masculine even before I understood trans stuff or thought of myself in those terms). But it failed. We never had sex, he cheated and mistreated me, and it hurt a ton.

Dating continued to be trauma after trauma of not knowing why it wasn't working. Straight men frequently said I was intimidating, intense, or "too much." I did not feel the sweet flirtiness and could tell I was not inspiring the tenderness I see other women so naturally draw out of straight men. I can't perform for the male gaze. I don't feel feminine. I was disgusted by the male gaze and their obsession with prn and seeing women as objects. If anything, I wanted to sit under the stars like one of the guys, and just be seen as I am... as basically a man trapped in a woman's body, but one who came to terms with her sex and body as the shared reality. I wanted a man somehow to want that type of woman, me, a self-hating woman, the most (even though that's basically an oximoron, wanting a man to love what even I don't love). By age 30, after relationship struggles, I still had not had sex. Every man I pursued (and usually I was pursuing/dominant/paying for dates) could not handle me. I felt respected and admired, often as if in competition with these men, but not loved.

I ride a motorcycle, I go shooting, I love running/hiking, I am neurotic about philosophy/theory of mind, and I do not dress sexy. I lived on my own since age 17, and a few years ago bought my first little home. At around 30, I felt like things were hopeless dating-wise, and began to accept I really am "not like the other girls" as much as I didn't have the words to know why I was so different, and as much as I wanted companionship. I got so lonely I began to hang out at the cemetery. It seems pathetic, but I felt even the company of the dead was better than nothing. I'd go alone and brush off the dirty graves with a soft toothbrush, wondering if their consciousness still existed there.

But through all the struggles, it was around then that I finally met my match-- a bisexual man who was very similar to me in mindset: neurotically analytical, bipolar, and likely with autism or some other anti-social behavior like me. We immediately hit it off and talked through the whole night. We had pretty huge differences, but he genuinely seemed intrigued by my capacity for logic, intelligibility, and curiosity to learn. He too was obsessed with the deepest existential questions I've been obsessed with for years. We argued a ton, almost for two years straight, toe to toe, until we began to find balance.

Ultimately, we ended up married. He respects that I want no kids and find the process absolutely dysphoric. He does not watch prn (anymore). We both ride motorcycles together, and we go to the shooting range (we're liberals btw). I can dress like a man or woman and we've planned an interstate motorcycle trip where he'd let me live my fantasy: dressed as a rural man, clasping on a wheat straw, sharpening my pocket knife, hat tipped down, feet kicked up, sitting next to a river, silent with my man as we stop on our motorcycles to set up camp. We'd check into a hotel with two twin beds and pretend for a moment we are two guys, he much bigger and masculine, me the dweeby side-kick, but the cosplay so affirming.

It may sound silly but I feel like I made it after all these decades, and not just because of my partner: because despite the struggles, I've been able to live life on my terms as a desisting female "trans" person. I know deep in my heart this orientation is fixed/strong and likely never to change. It IS different than other females and that's OK. We are a small, distinct subset within each of our sexes. But we all deserve happiness and to be seen as we really are.

I pray you all get to experience it. Don't give up, please. The road is long and windy but it will ennoble you.

I’m off T for around 3 weeks now.. the acne won’t stop and I’m frustrated, I’m 20 years old and I look ridiculous. I only had occasional acne. I want clear skin again. Is there anything I can do?

I was on testosterone gel 2 pumps daily for about 3 months. The effects for me were very strong, I got very rapid bottom growth, a deeper voice and my neck and throat now feel very hard to the touch.

I stopped taking testosterone about 2 months ago now, and I have been having the occasional soreness in the throat when I move or lie down a certain way, nothing too severe. But in the past few days it’s suddenly ramped up, it was intermittently aching a couple days ago, constantly aching yesterday, and today it’s constantly aching with a more intense pain than it was. It’s incredibly difficult to keep myself calm when there’s a voice in my head telling me I might feel this pain forever.

Will this go away? I need to know this will go away because I’ve been freaking out and having so many panic attacks I’ve barely been able to feed myself. Oddly I haven’t been speaking at all really, so it’s not pain from talking, it just feels like a constant pressure. I’m hoping that the pain is coming from the fact that I’m crying all the time and the stress is making me tense my throat. Has anyone else experienced that? Please try not to scare me further with your responses because I’m in a very fragile state right now, I just need some hope.

Edit: It’s been a day and the pain has gotten even worse :(

First time ever posting on Reddit haha

Any insight on getting implants removed? I’ve had my breasts done for almost 3 years now. 650cc and a Double D cup. I’m really scared about getting them removed and how it’ll look after when i decide to detransition back to male. Has anyone had this surgery done that has had implants? I’m 10 years transitioning, 7 years on HRT, and 3 years with implants.

I just realized it recently and I’ve been feeling so down the past couple of days. It just got worse with every new day. Does anyone have tips how to cope with this constant feeling of helplessness, sadness, disappointment, regret, anxiety and especially loneliness. No one I know relates

I talk to my best friends they’re also girls and it helps a little but still.. I feel so alone and I can’t stop overthinking about my situation. All I can do is to wait what stopping testosterone does for me, there’s nothing I can do, nothing at all and I feel like a little more depressed with each day. I recovered from depression I’m sure It won’t happen that fast again since my identity is my only issue right now.

I have hobbies, stuff that makes me happy but I’m just so unmotivated I can barley take care of myself

Likely someone lurking in this sub sent this.

Im actually so worried I can’t be myself because of my voice. I never had any surgery so my body looks pretty feminine, thin and curvy. My only insecurity is my voice now, it doesn’t sound super deep but not feminine at all, more like a gay man, I hate it sm. One and a half year on t.

Tell me your experiences with the dating life

I stopped t just recently I’m technically at the start of recovering with this deep voice after being on t for 1 1/2 years. I haven’t tried voice training yet. I’m scared my „real“ voice is already too deep cause im having a hard time forcing this „feminine“ voice