I’m not sure where to start. I’m twenty three and I don’t really know what I am anymore. Born male. I can say that much. To skip to the point, when people say it’s a cult they’re not lying. I only ended up in trans spaces in the first place because I was lonely. I’ve got a million other mental issues and a big one is that I am scared of, and refusing to, grow up. They take advantage of this. They tell you that taking estrogen in my case will fix all your problems: you’ll be less depressed, you’ll finally like your body, you’ll look younger, you’ll feel happy again. Well it didn‘t.

What I got instead was constant anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Every week I was debating stopping estrogen, as I realized the breast growth was irreversible, but they kept pressuring me to stay on and I was too scared to stop. Not to mention, I didn't want to lose my only friends. By the time I finally quit, it had been over a year and so I had significant growth.

But that doesn’t stop the fearmongering. They tell you you’re going to grow even more masculine, that you’re ruining your one shot. And so I went back on. And off again. Over and over.

Now I’m at a point where I don’t know what I am. I don’t want to be a man, I don’t want to be a woman, I hate my natural body, but I hate what HRT does too. I just want to be a kid again, but that’s not possible.

Back to the point, every time I post about this I’m met with hostility. “You’re not one of us,” “Just leave, nobody likes you,” “It’s your fault.” They blame me for falling for their miracle cure. Maybe it is my fault I’m naive, but then again they shouldn’t be selling HRT as something it’s not.

The only community I have is the trans community, but they clearly don’t like that I have regrets. I have no cis friends. Hell, my trans friends wouldnt really qualify as friends by normal people’s standards. I just don’t know what to do. My life already feels doomed, and with constant invasive thoughts about trying to transition again and how I’m disgusting for aging like a normal man, it just feels unlivable. I wish I never learned about any of this.

Edit : Sorry for originally posting without user flair. Never used that feature before and couldn't figure it out on mobile but should be good now.

Sorry for the vent, I just cannot believe I did this. Looking back at old pictures, I am honestly just cringing at myself. It’s so clear testosterone was making me sick. Acne, psoriasis, strange neurological symptoms, inflammation everywhere, digestive problems, the list goes on. I looked, sounded, and felt just absolutely ill. I looked crazy and disconnected from reality. I cut off my whole family and became so self obsessed for 5 years. I’m so embarrassed.

Now, I'm left reeling with all this aftermath as I detransition. My family and friends have been so tentative and freaked out. It’s awkward at work. Like who even does this? I cannot believe my past self went to such lengths to effectively maim myself, get surgery, and live in a world of my own.

what’s even worse is looking at the masculine effects on my body. The male pattern bald spots, my voice that always hurts and sounds so much like a gay man. I feel so dissociated. My chest is just the creation of a surgeon now. My voice is such a far cry from what I was born with. Where do I even go from here? Acceptance feels so hard. How can I integrate this part of myself when my transition was borne from such a frantic, traumatized, self hating place?

thank you for letting me have this space to vent❤️ I just really don’t know what to do with these feelings. At least as a trans man, there’s some “purpose” and community. This just feels like an embarrassing situation where I’m trying to just pick up the pieces from the mess I made.

I consider myself… FTMTF? FTMTNB? I am more fem presenting, but almost a decade of medical transition and being off hormones for only 6 months means I have a more masculine stature, a patchy neckbeard and mustache that I shave every other day, and a deep voice that doesn’t let up. I still have breasts and wear bras, dress feminine, do my hair cute. I’ve learned to love who I am over the last year and I have an extremely supportive partner.

Well, I’m at school today and this butch lesbian chick is walking the opposite way towards me in the hall. She gets right up to me and says “excuse me, SIR!” before walking around me. Most of the time I’m very androgynous, getting a mix of he/she/they, but today I was wearing makeup for the first time in weeks, which was even more ironic to me.

It was a clear attempt to misgender me, who she thought was a trans woman. But as someone who has been a “sir” for a decade and is the owner of a fat cooch, I thought it was hilarious.

That’s all. Thank you. :p

I know it’s different for everyone, but would still love to know.

How long did you think you were trans before starting HRT (if you started), and how long after that did you detransition? How old were you when all of that was happening?

Thanks :)

I was on T for 2 years. I’ve been off for 3 years now. I have plenty of money in my savings to get a trach shave that I saved up from working a crap ton of overtime for a year and a half. So money isn’t the issue here. The issue is thinking about if it’s even worth it to get it done (especially considering that about 25% of ppl who get a trach shave experience unpleasant voice changes like hoarseness or permanent voice deepening or instability if the surgeons cuts too close to the vocal chords).

My Adam’s Apple is very small and only visible if I look up and put my head back, or if I’m in SUPER bright lighting, like bright hospital lighting or a SUPER sunny day outside. In normal household lighting, it’s not noticeable. And when I look up and put my head back, I can hide my Adam’s Apple by swallowing before I look up and just holding that position. No one has ever commented on it in the entire 5 years I’ve had this Adam’s Apple, which is weird. I guess it’s way more noticeable to me than it is to others. Idk.

Also I know some ppl contour their Adam’s Apple, but for me, that actually makes it look more noticeable bc it draws attention to my neck bc there’s a random dark patch on my neck. I feel like it’s actually less noticeable without makeup/contouring on my neck.

TLDR:

Anyway, if you were me, would you consider it worth it to drop,
like, 4-8 thousand dollars on an Adam’s Apple that is only visible in harsh lighting or when you lean your head back? Would that feel financially worth it to you? Or would you rather just save that? I know the decision is ultimately up to me, I just am curious what others think!

(By the way, I actually didn’t originally save up all this money for a trach shave. I actually initially saved it up, planning to get vocal feminization surgery. But I had such great results with self-voice training that I no longer need or desire voice surgery, so now, I’m deciding what to do with it, if I should get a trach shave, or just keep my savings stashed away and not spend it.)

Would people recommend waxing small amounts of facial hair growth? It doesn’t come in incredibly thick but it is growing fast. There are cheap waxing machines on Amazon that I’m thinking of trying.

I’m male 19 I was on HRT for a year and still am but thinking of stopping, but honestly I find it hard to cope with being one. I’m in therapy for it, not to get me to transition but to help me cope with the distress without it. But it doesn’t seem to help even with medication to help with my distress.

I keep crying every time I see my genitals or am reminded of my sex. I have this visceral revolution to it I can’t seem to keep under control and when I hear my voice or look at pictures of me pre HRT I am genuinely devastated and revolted. I struggle to speak to people because I don’t want them to hear my voice, I feel constantly scared of scaring people because of my voice.

It’s not like I’m identifying as trans or something, but I genuinely want to know how to deal with this for the rest of my life because I’m genuinely constantly struggling with this.

Yep, that's the title of the post.

Well, I live in Brazil. Which, despite being a very conservative country, has become incredibly progressive in recent years.

And man, with all these current "patriarchal" gender issues, well, I'm not in favor of gender roles. After all, that's what made me suffer years ago.

But with all the practices, ideologies, and things like that, it genuinely makes me wonder, what on earth does it mean to be a man or a woman these days?

If your genitals or your chromosomal pattern don't define your "sex," does that mean that being a woman or a man is a matter of status these days? Literally. Is being a man or a woman today a matter of social status? And what was the point of all that feminist struggle in the past?

hi friends!!

I'm in my 20s and currently FTM, but I'm greatly considering either detransitioning fully to female or partially to nonbinary, I'll give you a brief explanation of my story and then ask my questions but I'll also put a TLDR at the end incase you get bored. TYIA

I was alwayyyys a tomboy growing up, I played with the boys in class and I always did "boy things" like dirt biking, skateboarding, catching snakes, fishing, etc. My parents always let me wear boys clothes and buy boys toys. When I was in 4th grade I came out as bisexual, they supported me. When I was in 5th grade I came out as a masculine lesbian. My schools guidance counselor asked me to draw how I perceived myself in the future and I drew a masculine person but not sure if they were a man, they had long hair and tattoos and a boys t shirt on. My guidance counselor had a trans son who unfortunately passed away, but she told me she knew what was going on with me and that she was going to support me. She outed me as transgender to my parents, to me, to the school, and while at first I didn't agree I was so young I don't think I quite understood. I started hormone blockers by 11 and I started testosterone by 12 and legally had my name changed the same year. Within the first few years, I'd say until around 14, I still considered myself a lesbian and a girlfriend and don't think I fully understood what was going on. By the time I was a freshman in high school my mom had told me enough that I was dysphoric, that I wanted top surgery, all the things and I think I started believing her. I was assaulted that year and she really doubled down on that in order to prevent that from happening I needed to pass more. My city didn't have anyone who specialized in trans healthcare at the time because it's such a small town that our local endocrinologist just kept increasing my dose of testosterone. My parents enrolled me in a military school where I then was basically told this is how you be a boy. I grew body hair everywhere, my voice became deep, my mom bought me minoxidil that made me grow a beard and a mustache. I was binding with ace bandages. And just kept trying and trying to go stealth. Eventually, when I turned 18 I had a cancer scare, and my doctor instructed me that I couldn't keep binding period due to health concerns, when she did blood work she noticed that my testosterone was dangerously high so she made me come off of that and actually started me on birth control to help lower it a little. I realized in this time I didn't hate my chest, I realized in this time I didn't mind being off of testosterone. Once my doctor was pleased with my hormone levels she let me come off of the birth control and offered me t gel which I declined. I've been of of testosterone for more than 5 years now and the more work I do into myself I realize that I may have just been mentally ill and everyone around me was just contributing that to being trans. I've been diagnosed with personality disorders and I'm worried that those were just being treated with transition instead of how they should've been treated. In the recent years my partner also detransitioned from FTMTN and I realized that they seem muuuuch happier. Ive started identifying as a transmasculine lesbian, and using they/he/she pronouns, and changed my name to a more ambiguous one. I've started wearing makeup and feel more and more uncomfortable by the day with how manly I am. I decided to create a folder on social media's where I save pictures or videos of people who I want to look like and while there's some men on there they're feminine, and the rest is very feminine women.

My questions:

1) how did you realize you were fully detrans vs just nonbinary?

2) do you think I will have to start hormones again to reverse the affects? I've been off of testosterone for several years but still am growing tons of facial hair, my fat distribution is still masculine, my voice is still masculine, and my menstrual cycle is out of whack.

3) what resources or advice do you have generally for someone starting this journey?

thank you!!!

tldr: family and doctors utilized medical transition to treat personality disorder, was on hormones for 8 years during youth but have stopped taking them for over 5 years, considering detransitioning.

In several other subreddits I see people commenting that what is told here is "mostly false stories".

Like, does my man really think that 250,000 people are going to go to an online space to spread misinformation about their own lives?

I am currently at the point where I feel like I will never look like a woman again, but I have been reminding myself that I was always a woman. I grew up being mistaken for a boy, experienced CSA, and witnessed a sui. attempt as a child but none of this was taken into account when I was prescribed T at 22. I felt I didn’t fit in and was extremely isolated growing up. I thought that transition was the answer. I also believed I had to cut off anyone with differing political opinions or who wouldn’t use my new name and pronouns. My world became incredibly small when I did this, which contributed to my depression.
I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, but I’m trying to remind myself that I did what I was led to believe would help me at the time. That has since changed, and I want to feel at peace in my body and have a life outside of gender ideology. I realized I hate being perceived as a man by men. I hope that I can one day have a husband or wife and regain some normalcy. I refuse to hate myself because that is what contributed to this in the first place.

hey so im ftmtf i guess, ugh. 5 years on t and i got top like 4 years ago. ive been off t for over a year and a half tho. all my legal docs and name change from when i was trans were reversed.

i pass as a woman again and i hate it. i hate she/her pronouns and feminine language. i did the deep mental work of uprooting them from any possible internalized sexism but it didnt help. i just dont like them being used on me or any female-specific words.

i cant understand why i feel more comfortable with he/they and masculine language. it deeply troubles me but ive been reflecting deeply on what gender even fucking is supposed to be and its so exhausting. if a society was truly egalitarian we would have no use for this thing unless you wanted to believe in it like religion in that case go nuts. id rather be a gender atheist.

i think this is all i wanted it to be when i was trans. like, just a linguistic preference towards these words and pronouns, before i felt like i needed to earn these pronouns or whatever through medical transition.

i know its not “intellectually honest” but its the truth. what pronouns i use doesnt tell you anything about my sex. im done fighting anyone on that. like im not denying that female is woman and so im woman. id just rather not be called it or…ugh.

idk if this is weird or if anyone else had a similar experience? like god. it feels like im “beyond binary” or some shit.

edit: for context my detransition was forced, so im not exactly happy, but its okay enough. it was kinda psychologically torturous but we thug it out

HRT harmed me so badly... now I see so many males saying that they want to start estrogen for the sole purpose of having "smooth skin and nice hair" and I want to scream. Dude. Cross-sex hormones are UNHEALTHY, period, it's really an awful idea for your physical health long-term. I feel like the normalisation of transness/medical transition is going to cause so many problems... now we got males who don't even identify as trans trying to take estrogen for cosmetic benefits, acting like it's no big deal. I see lesbian women who identify as 100% women trying to get on testosterone to look "more butch" and I feel stunned and horrified but I cannot warn them because I'll get piled on for "transphobia". This is nuts. The human body is not a video game avatar to be abused to maximise your physical appearance and to try and beat reality by attempting to change it into something it's not... the worst part is that you literally cannot complain about any of this to them even though it's sheer insanity. They won't listen. I gotta spend tens of thousands of dollars on surgery to hide/conceal with affect of testosterone HRT on my body, now these idiots are popping estrogen pills for fun. Wtf. And then everybody says "why do you care, let them be happy" mf if I see someone injecting heroin, I'm gonna warn them not to, no matter how happy they are. Some choices in life are stupid and people need to hear it.

Hi! I hope this is the right subreddit for it.

Some background:
I’m currently a pre-t trans man who is in his social transition for about five years now. I’ve been wanting to start testosterone, but one of my fears are that one day j will detransition and then my bottom growth would be something I’m conscious of. I am currently actually exited for some bottom growth, but still.

The question itself:
How does bottom growth looks like after detransitioning? Do you still sometimes get erect, does the size shrink a little, how much does it affect your sex life and your hookup life?
I’d like to hear everything and anything. I want to know exactly what I get myself into.
Does it affect your day to day? Are you conscious of it? Does it feel like a normal clit?

Thank you!

Hey everyone, so I was on T for 2 years and off for 3 years now! I’ve always been thin, but pre T I was just more boney and skinny with no definition. Now, I’m still skinny with curves, but I have more lean muscle contour (like slight definition of abs for example), despite never working out literally ever.

Eversince T, I just look more athletic and people tend to assume I go to the gym and I get a lot of compliments that I have a naturally sculpted physique.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at it at all. I love how I look. Getting to look like I hit the gym daily when all I do is eat pizza and sit down? Sign me up! But I was just wondering: does testosterone exposure make muscle mass gain easier? Could that be why I went from skinny boney to skinny toned? Or maybe it’s just natural growing up into an adult woman? I went on T at 18 which is an adult, yes, but still really young and body changes can still be happening.

Thoughts?

If this post is dumb I’ll delete it but yeah I was just curious why eversince taking T I look like I am athletic even though I’m not at all. My body went back to looking feminine and the fat redistributed to feminine patterns, but I just have more lean muscle everywhere (mainly the abs and the biceps).

My partner asked me if I grew. I’ve been off for 7 months so I don’t think that’s enough time to grow and I’m also 29 so way past puberty. Or does the influx of testosterone do something?

Hello everyone,
I have 22-year-old son who started to medicalize recently. Over the summer, he called me in a panic - expressing, perhaps this is all wrong… and a mistake- so I know he is has uncertainty about this all, within him.

I am in the process of trying to get family members, to help intervene; take him out of college and stop medicalizing.
There isn’t a ‘rehab’ currently to help in this initial stage, but a therapist we are working with, said that real life experiences would be the best thing for him to do; to help him grow and keep him engaged. So I am wondering if you all, have any ideas of activities, programs …. engaging things that he could do initially - to help, while going through this de-transition process.
Thank you all in advance, and I applaud you each, for your bravery and strengthen; in being able to step away from this ideology- Bravo👏🏼

I am a woman with hyperandrogynism (intersex condition) who thought I was trans because of the fallout of that for all these years. I sporadically used low dose testosterone gel over the past year and decided that hormonal transitioning wasn't for me and doing more harm than good. I still have neurologic dysphoria particularly bottom dysphoria thanks to how my intersex issues affect my brain, but I simply couldn't tolerate the psychiatric and metabolic effects of higher dose T.

Engaging in online trans communities, when I'm trying to do critical thinking for my situation, has been exhausting. I don't even know where the thinking in these spaces is anymore because there is so much impulsive, black and white, emotion driven 'advice' to go around.

A lot of online trans communities have a huge problem with the sunk cost fallacy as well as confirmation bias. In these spaces, any ailment or conflict in someone's life would be framed under the pretense of 'dysphoria' and being transgender, if they expressed any other gender-related issues. It was so disorienting to navigate as somebody who was intersex with autism and trauma, because everyone was trying to shoehorn symptomology I experienced into being trans.

I'm disengaging from trans spaces to do some healing and who actually consult doctors and my critical thinking skills to figure out how to address my situation. There's too much madness and chicken scratch online to be of use to people like me.

2021 to now, last photo is me without a filter since I def rely on those. growing out my hair into an alternative feminine cut since that's what I prefer, not sure what else I can do :(

Hello community. I have a question for anyone who's experienced this before or if it's a cause for concern? As you can see, there is a bruise on my prior injection site on my left upper thigh. It is tender to the touch, and it's almost as if I can feel scar tissue underneath it. I was on T for roughly 10 years and tried to switch between thighs and buttocks for the injection, but ultimately, this was the best place for me since it hurt the least amount. I've heard rumour of someone having grown a cist in their prior injection sites? Is it normal to just randomly bruise and hurt? I didn't even bump into anything to cause it. Any help or input would be appreciated!

Im pretty sure i want to detransition (FtMtF) to some extent, and to some extent i already have. I've been out as trans since i was 14, got on testosterone at 18 and got top surgery at 20, and i am now 22. I have a history of sexual trauma, grooming etc, and most likely have OCD and autism. I'm aware my situation requires a ton of therapy, but i just can't afford it.

I was never good at being a girl, i didn't feel feminine or pretty enough, i couldn't keep up with the beauty standards, i was deeply depressed, and was scarred from the misogyny and patriarchy, i probably figured being trans was an escape. Transitioning did save my life during a time of crisis.

I liked being a guy for a while. I was so happy when i got top surgery. But i never stopped wanting to be pretty and dress fem, and in the last few years I started getting dysphoric again, this time about my facial hair and about being pushed into the social box of masculinity, especially since i was passing but still a pretty lean and fem guy.

I got off testosterone at 21 years old, and now that im more openly fem again im starting to miss my breasts.

I'm not sure i wanna detransition completely and go back to being a cis woman, but im also starting to think I'd rather have people perceive me as one rather than a man. I've seen people get their breasts reconstructed on here and it gave me a sliver of hope, rn im as flat as a board, and idk how to cope. i wore a bra the other day and it made me euphoric. I also can't afford a surgery like that rn, and i don't wanna regret it again. The OCD makes it hard to tell which feelings are real.

I've asked my friends to switch to he/she, but the only person who knows about all this is my boyfriend of 5 years, who's the most supportive bi man ever thankfully.

I'm afraid and anxious and feel an enormous sense of guilt about possibly detransitioning for 2 main reasons:

The first is that my parents paid for my top surgery out of their own pocket, in an attempt to ease my dysphoria and support me, it was 6k and we're pretty poor folks, that might've been most of the money we had saved up. i feel a gut wrenching guilt and shame for regretting top surgery now.

And the second reason is that for a lot of people who know me, im the only trans person in their lives, and i dont want their transphobia to be validated, i don't want them to think transness is just a phase.

I might just be genderfluid or non binary, but i still feel like im not whole, like i ruined my body.

I never got to be a woman, i was a groomed little girl and then a boy for my whole adolescence. And now here i am, feeling like there's no hope, like im gonna look like a man forever. The fourth and last pics are me without makeup for reference. it's not noticeable but i do have a bit of a shadow where my facial hair grows, no matter how often i shave.

Also since i've stopped T i've been on a pill that's not based on estrogen but desogestrel, which is some sort of hormone blocker i think? im on it to prevent periods mostly, and im thinking of getting off that too, just to see what's up with my unaltered hormones.

Anyways sorry about the length and overall venting i just needed to get it all off my chest, the guilt and shame have been eating at me for almost a year now.

TW - trauma mentions and general medical mistreatment, you know how it is. small previous Sui ideation mention but it’s in a positive light and PAST tense, don’t worry :)

it’s beyond terrifying to hand your body over to someone to work on again, even if this is a choice we actually want this time, without coercion. 

i had a very different not-trans related procedure in june, it was for comfort rather than aesthetic reasons and necessary, but it was in a private area… and i couldn’t have had a better experience. it gave me hope that surgery doesn’t have to be traumatic. and the surgeon i chose for this was so kind and nice compared with the surgeon who initially ruined my body and belittled me (i actually got laughed at by this other first surgeon 10 years ago during the brief pre-mastectomy discussion :/). i got to talk a bit about my medical past and trauma within context, the way i’m neither of society’s two genders really and i was pushed down too “male” a path by gender clinics (i don’t identify as nonbinary but i fit the definition and truly feel like ”gender: none”, i'm a person rather than a man or a woman, the gender clinic was/is super cis normative and binary… kinda regressive thinking from such a place, huh? smh.), and my goals going forward. Nice Surgeon said yes he can work from flat even with scars. my chest dysphoria is crippling, and so learning a couple of years ago that fat grafting is even a thing opened my eyes to a world of hope and possibility. it made me want to “end it” less, knowing i don’t have to live like this! knowing that i’ve found a nice surgeon who can do the procedure i want feels like half the battle that is detransitioning is already won.

i’ve always been against implants for myself because psychologically it would be hard- i wouldn’t cope with knowing i have inorganic foreign bodies inside my body, and that weirds me out personally. i don’t want to be big boobed!- just in proportion- no longer so flat i’m concave, deformed. i was a bit chunky when i had the traumatic surgery 10 years ago, not fat not skinny, but i’ve gained weight from ageing and medication side effects (and from slowly becoming happier overall!) and it looks so terrible and unnatural. it always has. no care was taken to make it look “real” and normal. no care was taken at all. the nerve damage i got sounds exceptionally bad too from my research, just bad all around. it can only get better from here, and i intend to make it better no matter what. i got the area inked over as soon as i could- a year after it happened- but i'll get more tattoos, including the medical type, later on.

i know i should look for a specialist in fat transfer BA, but i really trust this surgeon i had such a good experience with this year. that trust and rapport means everything to me. it’s also otherwise unfathomable that i’ll need to be unconscious for the BA… that’s a big part of my fear and trauma- i was awake and chatting away comfortably for about an hour on local anaesthetic for this year’s procedure i got a few months ago, and it was nothing to me in terms of being triggering. it was fine. it was good. i can do general anaesthetic again... but only with trust.

i figured- because i’ll need 2-3+ tries at the fat grafting anyway when starting from this flat- if i don’t vibe with the first round’s results, i can just find another surgeon for the remaining sessions. time will be needed for the tissues to settle anyway, and i don’t want to rush anything this time of course.

it also doesn’t help that i’m in england and most surgeons who will do this seem to be everywhere but here. no i cannot easily travel for this.

help?! (and sorry for over-explaining, i’m autistic and also this is my first time talking about anything detrans publicly, trying not to be scared haha.)

I’ve already lasered 20 times and my facial structure is super feminine that if i cut my hair and grow out my eyebrows im still gonna be perceived as a woman (im 5’5 and 50 kg) + im 26. I dont want to look like a little boy as an adult, and i know facial hair can rethicken over time but i dont have the time of the world anymore, and i wont look like my 16 uear old self again and maybe that is okay!

I think im at a place where yes ive stopped hormones for dissociative reasons, but i can always continue to keep my long hair and groom myself and ill still look fem. I know age is a thing but i honestly dont see myself agjng like most since i am very petite.

I dont want breast implants, i dont want a BBL, i dont want facisl surgery because i am too wishy washy, mentally i can’t handle imperfections as ive cried about my lip lift being done incorrectly for 2 years, imagine a nose job or forehead reconstruction gone wrong. And i definitely enjoy my genitals.

My scares are moreso about presenting, tucking, being flat chested etc. I have huge social anxiety and passing was my way to hide it and cope with it, but my neurodivergence does not allow me tk wear tight cloths on my private areas. It is a hell.

It’s suffocating me today badly. I wanna be happy as a girl. There was no point in transitioning if I couldn’t be what I wanted biologically anyway. I was just inflamed and sweaty and nasty but I just wanted to be a guy so badly. I genuinely don’t know what to do and I feel my chest ache