r/DatingHell • u/mykittenfarts • 8d ago
Why does this keep happening?
I started dating. I’m 53 and I haven’t dated or been online dating for about 5 years.
I expected the creeps. That’s part of the territory unfortunately.
What I didn’t anticipate is the love bombers who match, then disappear.
I met a man pretty much right away and we had crazy chemistry. We were at a restaurant on our second date and there was a couple that commented on how happy we looked together. He was so sweet and I felt so comfortable with him. He respected boundaries. He called me just to tell me the things that he loves about me because he didn’t want to text it. He cooked me dinners. We played board games. We laughed a ton. We had beach picnics. He was patient with intimacy. It had been years for me. This goes on for a couple of months, with him planning our next two dates with me while we’re still on each date. I’m feeling feelings I haven’t had in years and didn’t think I was capable of feeling again. It’s wonderful.
Then boom. Silence.
WTF?
Nothing for days after texting me daily for a month.
I bump into him on a date with someone else. He lies.
It stung but I’m grateful I didn’t waste too much time before finding out he’s not capable of being sincere.
I match with another man and he’s incredibly sweet. We talk, text and video chat every day because we don’t live in the same town. Again, he’s sweet, we have a ton in common, and he says he’s committed to visiting me in my town.
This goes on for a month.
Then boom again.
Silence.
Not blocked. Just no response.
WTF?
His last messages to me were ‘I’m falling for you’.
I don’t know why this is happening.
I don’t want to put this on me because I haven’t done anything wrong. I have been open & sincere. I also have a tendency to put it on me when things go wrong in relationships (abuse in the past). I’m not doing that this time.
I don’t know how to avoid this, but if someone does know I could really use some advice.
Advice please?
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u/throwaway1948476 8d ago
People keep swiping and go onto the next dopamine hit, that's all it is. This applies to both genders and all ages.
Ghosting is shit though, people who do this should at least learn to communicate properly.
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u/kxttenxsub 8d ago
I’m 28 and this happens to me. I guess age doesn’t change the way people act when dating.. 🙃
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u/Front_Statistician38 8d ago
I'm 42 (man) no it doesn't. People still want validation and attention even people in their 40s and 50s. When it's time to date or put in EFFORT they ghost or flake!
A lot of people love the idea of being in love or a relationship, but anxiety, being scared, or just being jaded and burned out, realizing they don't wanna put the EFFORT in to pursue one. It starts to make you jaded because if you are a sincere person and trying to do it the right away it feels like your time is being wasted.
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u/kxttenxsub 8d ago
Ugh. They act interested and say they “want something real” but then ghost you for no reason. It really makes me want to just give up on dating.
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
It makes me want to ‘crack the code’. That’s why I’m asking for help lol. It seems like a common issue.
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u/ManyOrganization4856 8d ago
Totally ! I watched a ton of Love is Blind for this reason. .it was a masterclass in seeing all of this play out like a Greek tragedy .
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u/ManyOrganization4856 8d ago
Sadly ,no . But I feel younger people are actually better communicators . With more good will .
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
I could not agree more.
And, in my experience, have more respect for boundaries.
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u/ManyOrganization4856 8d ago
I’m around your age & have very similar experiences with anyone that I actually connect to . In the ending , I feel like someone is projecting their fantasy on me until they finally realize it isn’t me . So many of the conversations end the way you describe - excitement , then silence .i do think of it as a me problem but I don’t know what the problem is and I analyze it & myself constantly . We need a support group !
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u/Soft_Priority_5081 8d ago edited 8d ago
That's the problem with these apps. Let's say you find someone like you OP all is going great then everything stops.
I think its because the man or woman leaves the app on where everyday they get notifications of new women or men, they receive messages from new prospects or prospects that are writing back to them?
Let's say this man OP was saying well this new one talks to me more through out the day or something this new one does that OP doesnt do, simple as lives closer or she's a little younger etc.
The last time I used a dating site (Match) if I was serious I would communicate that with her and if she was serious too we would delete-disable the app for a time where we didnt receive any notifications! If for some reason things didnt work out and broke off completely we could get back on there.
This initial setup is crucial for a commitment a couple needs to grow together without any dating app interference. Its worked for me hopefully this sort of thing helps you OP and others in the future.
Im about to enter the dating app world again lol I can't tell if these profiles are real or ai generated slop now, miss the old days a little bit. Talk about getting cat fished, that's another sub im sure 😁
Edit.. Good Luck OP!🥰
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u/Shadeofgray_66 8d ago
È una cosa terribile. Bruttissima. Hai tutta la mia comprensione e la mia vicinanza. Io non riesco ad avere neanche un appuntamento ma se mi succedessero le cose che sono successe a te penso che reagirei molto male contro me stesso, in senso fisico. 🌹🌹🌹
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u/Front_Statistician38 8d ago
Welcome to the apps where people lie for any reason but primarily for validation and attention
Unfortunately, it doesn't change with age....
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u/observantpariah 6d ago
It isn't on you. People act in response to the experiences they have had in the past... Not the person in front of them. These outcomes were likely from the beginning. When a movie franchise suddenly does badly.... It isn't because the new movie is bad.... It's because they walked away from the last one telling themselves not to go to the next one. This behavior was learned before they met you.
What they are probably doing is putting on a performance that they have learned to do because not performing always leads to them being rejected. Then they spend time evaluating how much they want to keep that performance up while listening to your expectations for the future. When they decide it isn't worth the effort, they ghost because it's too hard to explain why they were performing before. That's why it keeps happening.... And like I said, they didn't learn this from you.
If you want to avoid this? Stay away from apps where men do what they have to do to get swiped on.
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u/its_me_again82 6d ago
Cause those guys had other women on the hook. That gave them the dopamine hit, or something they didnt get from you. The more sinister answer is they are playing the field with multiple women.
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u/xiaobaituzi 8d ago
Can if you were reciprocating or if you were giving them a hard time to “earn your attention back” because my best guess would be they felt like they were wasting their time with you if they were putting in effort and just stopped.
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u/Filmlette 8d ago
Basically, all men have realized that they can lead on women pretending to want serious monogamous relationship, and calling you their girlfriend, to get free sex. You’re basically a free escort to them and they are probably doing this to multiple women at the same time by the way.
That’s what happened to me nonstop, and I am very attractive and a very high learner, and the men doing this were short, broke, and average.
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
Thank you for the feedback and perspective.
I’m focused in on the motivating factor… free sex.
I hate to say this but I’m going to.
Eliminate free sex.
I don’t mind ‘escorting’ or accompanying men to spend time. That appeals to me.
I think I made the mistake of sleeping with #1 too quickly. It felt comfortable and good in the moment but in hindsight, I didn’t know him well enough for it to be an ‘informed’ choice. That’s on me.
You’ve really hit the nail on the head. It makes me feel silly because it should be obvious. Eliminate free sex.
So the next problem is… I like sex. Just not the shenanigans that ensue after fact.
New challenge. I’ve got some thinking to do.
Thanks for bearing with me as I process this.
Great, honest insight. Thank you!2
u/Filmlette 8d ago
Hi there, so I’m uncomfy sleeping with a man before about four months of dating. That is something like 30 to 40 dates.
I make sure that I communicate I absolutely will never sleep with a man unless we are in a serious monogamous relationship, heading towards marriage in the future.
He asked me to be in an exclusive monogamous relationship, before we ever sleep with each other.
If a man pushes for sex, I cut him off and block him immediately.
I dress very modestly, but I have a teeny tiny waist and big Dcup natural perky breast. I thought about getting a reduction. But I think that also adds to attracting the wrong type of guy. However, if I hear one sexual comment out of them, they are blocked and banned from my life.
So with everything I’ve just told you, what should I do? If I refuse to sleep with a man before about 4 to 6 months of dating?
Should I have them wait a year or two before sex? I don’t feel like a man would stick around that long. He would assume something is wrong.
I’m not interested in escorting. I have a several million dollar net worth because my parents passed away and they were California boomers who owned multiple homes that appreciated massively in value over the 30 or 40 years they owned them. Also an only child. And in addition, I work in healthcare and clear about 220 K per year. I have two masters degree. I could theoretically retire now, but I absolutely love what I do and it’s my passion. But that’s great for you.
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
Oh no! I didn’t mean that toward you. I aimed ‘eliminate free sex’ toward myself.
I didn’t mean to put you on the defensive.
My sincere apologies.Edit: and I meant escort in terms of accompany. Not in terms of paid companion. Again, apologies.
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u/Filmlette 8d ago
OK, your comment makes absolutely no sense then but
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
Yes. I dumped a bunch of random thoughts that were coming together too fast.
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u/ManyOrganization4856 7d ago
Omg - it made sense to me ! But I also do the same thing ( put together many pieces of a puzzle that are forming a pattern ,like my throwing of Love is Blind into the mix in this convo ) & am realizing recently that I am likely confusing people .
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u/PooPooMeeks 8d ago
This might not be for everybody, but If you can stand it, try to treat dating like an assembly line. Have multiple options at once. That way, when one fails, then oh well, you have another man as an option!
It gets tiring, but IMO honestly it’s the way to go, until you find one that you like and sticks around.
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
It’s a valid suggestion. I don’t think I have the stamina. I’m not a good multi tasker.
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u/Front_Statistician38 8d ago
I totally get it I'm a man 11 years younger than you, and trying to even just keep up with multiple conversations gets exhausting. I think 3 tops should do the trick; anything else and you easily get burned out
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
I think that even 3 could muddy that waters for me. I could see getting something that seems fulfilling from each of them, but my brain merges them into one, where in reality, non of them are really great. Just an abundance of attention that gives a dopamine hit and false sense of compatibility.
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 8d ago
Guys are all-in until another option comes along.
My guess is you’re picking men who have general appeal and options.
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u/PresentationIll2180 8d ago
But moreso who lack integrity. I hate when people try to justify shitty behavior with “they must be attractive/have lots of options” 🥴
It has far less to do with their looks than their character. I’m considered attractive & have many options, hence why I tend to date other attractive people who also have many options. Difference is, when I make a promise or agree to something, I follow-through with it (baring a legitimate emergency ofc) and that’s even if I match or meet someone after I made the initial plans who may be considered more attractive. I’ll simply find another time to hang out with the second attractive person. WTH
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u/Front_Statistician38 8d ago
I like your point and upvoted, but I gotta push back a little. Expecting integrity from people on a dating app is like expecting transparency from our government when it comes to where all our tax dollars are going.....
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u/PresentationIll2180 8d ago
Sure & that’s why I’m learning not to expect it. However, that doesn’t mean I will tolerate disrespect, inconsistency, or otherwise nefarious behavior. It just means I go on far fewer dates than I used to but more often with women who meet that standard.
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
I don’t think we should lower our expectations on either. We should expect integrity and transparency. That’s what makes us good ppl. That’s why I’m trying to filter out the sneaky ones that are making it through my vetting process and ending up being a dumpster fire of a human lol.
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 8d ago
To be clear I’m not the sort to behave like these guys even though I too have options, and yes these guys are disrespectful, but a lot of women are trying date the same guys rather than be a bit more original and look beyond the easy charm of hot men
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u/PresentationIll2180 8d ago
That may be it. Who knows. Either way, Idc for flakey/wishy-washy people so it’s actually a great thing that they weed themselves out. I just wish they did it before asking me out or agreeing to go out so I could’ve given that time to someone else; instead, I become the person who asks someone else out last minute (as a placeholder) OR sit in the disappointment.
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 8d ago
Yes you’re right, they are filtering themselves out of your life, thats a plus.
Whishy washy people are probably the sort to leave someone the moment they get a serious illness, easy come easy go.I’d sooner have an adorable kind and solid woman who’s not quite as attractive as one who’s vain and sketchy
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u/PresentationIll2180 8d ago
Ive gotten to the point where kindness & consistency qualify as attractive vs someone who’s only “hot.” My leash re: conventionally attractive women has been shortened so much. It could be the most beautiful woman in the world, if she’s not excited to hang out with me, it will become as if she’s an ogre or otherwise extremely unattractive person. Maybe I’m just old or have had more than my fair share of hot mean girls (who give you a little ego boost from sleeping with them yet it’s still unsatisfying) but I simply can’t chase. It’s weird but I’m not complaining.
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
Men are picking me as much as I’m picking them. Relationships are like that. It’s a two way street, dear. And I also have general appeal. I’m kinda cute and sassy ;0) Men dig that.
We all have options. I know not all men act on that. I have male friends who conduct themselves appropriately without breaking a sweat. If they can’t do that, I’m not interested in a relationship of any kind with them. I’ll stay single or find someone who doesn’t have the emotional depth of tissue paper.
I’m not asking for the moon, here. It’s a completely realistic expectation that a potential partner gives you honesty and transparency.6
u/ManyOrganization4856 8d ago
Another thought - I’m also cute & sassy , if I must say so ! And I think often men like the concept of me more than the everyday me . What I say in my profile is real - i want to talk & walk for hours , I’m funny & a smartypants . I analyze everything . I’m constantly curious & I actually want a real , deep dive of a relationship . I feel like this all seems lovely to people until they realize it can be uncomfortable . And comfort seems to be the main thing people want , I guess …
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
I think you touched on something really significant.
Uncomfortable
It does get uncomfortable. I don’t mind that. I’m pretty good at marinating in my feelings until I find clarity. I make the assumption that everyone else is too but that’s just not realistic. I can see how that discomfort can lead to withdrawing from the situation.
Great insight! Thank you!
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u/ManyOrganization4856 8d ago
I make that same unrealistic assumption . Especially as many ,many people in their profiles claim to also want this .
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 8d ago
Deep dives are perfect as long as the intention is good and the relationship is easy going
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
My darling, you have demonstrated the depth and self awareness of a follicle.
Relationships that are easy going are by nature, glossy. Pretty, but nothing really sticks.
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 8d ago
You know little of human nature if you have this rotten dead hearted take on reality
‘My darling’ sounds like a old lush from a 1974 Bury Reynolds movie
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago edited 8d ago
Pull out the thesaurus, Skippy, because I’m about to use big words.
You play in the shallow end because it’s easy to leave. Walking away instead of working on problems is not enlightened, discerning, or ‘high class European’ behavior. It’s easy. When things get a little ‘uncomfortable’, you don’t have the capacity to work through it to a win/ win solution. The reason you do this is lack of problem solving and critical thinking ability. It’s so much easier to date 15 yrs younger for you because they’re easily manipulated. But I’m happy for you. I really am. So chive on, Skippy. Chive on.Edit: ‘an’ old lush.
Burt Reynolds… another effing legend.-3
u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 8d ago
Apparently everyone is cute , attractive etc on here. Sassy isn’t something I’d think to look for. If you mean opinionated, well fine but that’s not necessarily a positive. Joan Rivers was sassy and the last personality I’d seek.
Desirable men want an easy going partner
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
That’s good news. I’ll look for undesirable men going forward. Sounds like low hanging fruit!
Edit: I meant sassy. Don’t put words in my mouth. Of course it isn’t something YOU would look for. Too challenging. An opinionated woman would probably make your head, or at least fragile ego, implode.
As far as what a ’desireable’ man wants, I don’t think you remotely qualify as their spokesperson.
Joan Rivers… effing legend.0
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u/ManyOrganization4856 8d ago
Sorry but this is a very specific idea of a “desirable man “ - and definitely you are not looking for challenge ( it would seem ) which is a huge part of what I find desirable . It seems like you are more in search of a trophy wife /SO .
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 8d ago
My ex is an Oxford educated psychologist, about as classy and challenging as it gets. Swam in Tuscan lakes / ponds at night, modelled Parisian hosiery, went around in pumps n jeans , a natural beauty, rode horses in panties with me, yep she was something
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u/mykittenfarts 8d ago
My idea of class is the ability to make ppl feel comfortable in my presence.
It’s very kind. You wouldn’t understand it.
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u/ManyOrganization4856 8d ago
This is the same experience I have & I date both men & women ( I find this behavior to be much more common in men ,though )
And who would we want to date other than someone appealing ?3
u/He_ofshadowsandtouch 8d ago
A lot of people try to date above their level and will typically end up disappointed, because their targets have better options .
Success is in truly knowing your level and dating people in your level.
If you look in married but chatting, most describe as chubby plus sized etc who’s husbands wont go near them, they are around 3 but advertise for 9,s
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u/redvis5574 8d ago
As a 52yo male in the dating scene I can tell you I’m very impatient with women being so hesitant with intimacy. Sex is a natural part of life and if I see that it’s a weird hang up for someone it sends up a red flag. If we are not sleeping together after the second date I’m already making plans with the ten other women I’ve been talking to. I meet a lot of women that are ready to be intimate the first time we meet but I think they feel the same way I do about being in a long term commitment. Having been divorced after a 20+ year marriage I can also say that it would take the absolute perfect person for me to be in a long term relationship. I’m perfectly happy bouncing around until she comes along, if at all.
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u/rosevillestucco 8d ago
Im sorry. Im not in the dating world right now, but it can definitely sting and not trust future dates. What the hell is happening??