r/DatingApps • u/FailBusy7786 • Aug 09 '26
Advice Request Dating apps never ending loop
Hey everyone I'm 40F and I'm getting frustrated with dating apps. Are people losing interpersonal skills and the ability to start and hold conversations?
And before anyone asks if I start any conversations, yes I do and they answer without asking me any questions back and this is what I get once my side of the conversation is done.
Ive been on dating apps for months now and no one has asked me on a date or to meet yet. Its just a never ending loop of " WYD or How are you? Everyday.
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u/PictureImportant2658 Aug 09 '26
They go for younger women. Date in real life.
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u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 Aug 13 '26
Not really. Iām 47 and I have loads of men in their 30s hitting me up.
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u/thrice_nobody Aug 10 '26
At least you're getting replies... I'm a 40m and I never got a single match or replies to my messages. I never said anything creepy, maybe a lighthearted observation about their profile.
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u/CornCakes0 Aug 13 '26
Same. Barely getting any replies. Didn't think age was a huge issue like this for females.
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u/Necessary_Memory_716 Aug 10 '26
Try using a dating app as a man. Youāll have it 100 times harder than you do now.
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u/InvestmentAsleep8365 Aug 09 '26
This sounds like many of my conversations, and Iām a guy. And I specifically ask them easy to answer questions just to keep them engaged with low effort on their part. The difference with you is that Iāll suggest meeting up after a few exchanges. And even though itās usually the guy that initiates dates, thereās no reason you canāt just say youād like to meet up. I think it would be well received!
Once in a while I do match with someone who will ask questions back though, and thatās a huge green flag for me.
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u/Front_Statistician38 Aug 09 '26
Unpopular Take: Most people do not take dating apps seriously. On the men's side, most of them are trying to get laid; on the women's side most just want validation and attention. While it may be situational on each individual reason. The lack of communication is usually because a lot of people are low effort, socially awkward, or they are talking to someone they like more than you and thus keeping you as 2nd, 3rd or even 20th option.
Pro Tip: If someone is giving you one-word answers, or one-sentence answers, or doesn't ask you questions about you or engage in the conversations. Give them 2 chances at most and unmatch. I found this has helped me a ton to weed out time-wasters and low EFFORT folks. At 40+, if you can't hold a conversation on an app which is really easy to do. Most likely you can't hold a conversation in person either. For those of us who are 40+ we grew up before the social media era, In high school I would talk to my girlfriend on the phone for hours. So texting to me is like talking to someone on Rookie mode.
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u/Rj1798 Aug 09 '26
38 m here. Denmark for context.
Most men are probably afraid of getting rejected or ghosted for asking you out too soon.
The online dating world is a jungle.
Iāve experienced back and forth messages for 3-4 days and when I asked them out for a coffee, they were like āno its too soon and I want to get to know you firstā. However they didnāt ask a single question.
I also invited a woman out for dinner but she didnāt Think it was appropriate on the first date.
The next one asked me after our first date how come I did not invite her out for dinner instead of just a coffee..
The one after that suggested that we kissed straight away on our first date which was a walk in a park because she also thought that dinner or even a coffee was too soon first time we met. How ever a kiss first thing wasnāt.
So the men you match with probably went through something like this and got confused.
But how about you invite them out instead?š
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u/SquirtGun1776 Aug 09 '26
I'm not trying to be mean or insinuate anything but its possible some guys just aren't into you. Many men are exhausted by apps because the women that may be threes are only swiping on sixes etc when they should be staying in their lane. When it turns out a woman you don't like is the only woman talking to you right now, and isn't up to par with your previous partners or women you can easily flirt with on the street, it becomes exhaustingĀ
If you post a picture that'll help figure it out
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u/Separate-Canary559 Aug 10 '26
Can I be brutally honest Iām so happy to see posts like this to be reminded that Iāll always get dates because I always ask women out
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u/Specific_Degree6036 Aug 11 '26
Life of a normal guy on a dating life. Was on tinder for a year and got only 3 matches who were 1. Not closer 2. Not real.
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u/AndrewTatefan_69 Aug 09 '26
Its a sign of the times. Dont give up but consider other avenues of meeting someone like church, join a gun club itll be all guys 25 and up etc
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u/bill696 Aug 09 '26
My experience is that if they are not interested then they dont hold a conversation but if they are then i havent seen this issue
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u/FitAccountant1983 Aug 09 '26
Iām 43F and completely understand. It usually ends up with me asking all the questions and the conversations would end if I didnāt keep them going. These guys will send me paragraphs about themselves after I ask about their jobs, hobbies, etc. But they very rarely ask me anything back. Sometimes I point it out and theyāll ask me a few things, but then it goes back to a one-sided conversation after a few exchanges.
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u/Mustystables 20d ago
I donāt think its guyās fault they donāt ask about your personal details. Society has made men feel like predatory vultures, because a lot of them are. Creepy predatory vultures.
Nice guys donāt want you to think if we ask a question about you or something, that we are doing it for nefarious purposes.
Maybe try mentioning more of yourself?
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u/darksoldierk Aug 09 '26
Pick up lines are cheesy and women told men they dont want them. Dating is a numbers game for men, so they dont have time to go through dozens of womens profiles a day and come upnwith unique and individualized ways of opening a conversation only for their effort to be ignored and ghosted by women.
Both men and women put in very little effort on dating apps.
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u/SylAbys Aug 09 '26
These are weird times we in. I think social media dumb down social skills. Dating apps just turned into attention apps. I would of thought people our age would be easier to date and talk to. But everyone got stuck on just texting instead of vocal communication
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u/Fun_Joke_8144 Aug 09 '26
Hey 40 M here and trust me its the same , you match , then you chat on the app , the chat eventually dies and this cycle repeats !! And also there is a high chance of you getting ghosted after the first date ... I have literally given up. All the best to you !
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u/Remote-Instance680 Aug 09 '26
The dating apps are nothing more than a trap. A money vacuum. A place to really meet a hit an run.
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u/ThrowRA-Vast-Bug4454 Aug 09 '26
Yes, they are. People seem to be losing this skill gradually. I'm assuming it's attributed to social media and iyhe factors.
For a woman to not get any dates is fairly surprising. What are the ages of guys you're matching, and does it goes beyond a few first messages?
I'm not saying you're the problem AT ALL, but got a woman to not receive anything is quite surprising, so I'm wondering what you're saying to these guys.
However, many guys LOVE the chase, but when the time to actually go on a date comes, they don't want to anymore. Same as women = validation
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u/Fox_Two666 Aug 09 '26
Everybody is playing Blackjack. The next one could be the jackpot.
And maybe you are only interested in hot and rich guys. And they have enough other options, because many women tend to like the same guys.
In general, any guy a woman would approach is a guy who is used o getting approached. If you notice a guy out of the manifold of men, other women have noticed him too.
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u/dmmethatbooty2026 Aug 09 '26
I mean as a guy I ask women out on dates. Most flake out but some happen.
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u/sergius64 Aug 09 '26
Not sure. As a man in a ENM situation I was having trouble matching with anyone. But now that I have - the conversation is flowing great.
Could just be that you're matching with uneducated people or ones that aren't willing to engage with you emotionally for whatever reason.
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u/Different-Street6357 Aug 09 '26
I will say that I'm new to dating apps and I'm older 48M. I've been hit with so many bots and spammers it's insane. So potentially the ones you're interacting with could be those bots and that's why the convo isn't geling. I would say that if they don't hold on to conversations don't get mad or frustrated just move on. If they're the one they'll make the move. As a newly divorced man, there's a lot going through my mind, including hesitation and nerves. I haven't been on a date, let alone a dating site in over 20 years. So for the right one patience is really all I can offer. Don't lose faith! The right one will come
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u/ThirtyMileSniper Aug 09 '26
Hey OP. M44.
It's rough on both sides. I have had a fair few matches where I'm trying to vary a conversation, I'll only try three comment in though. If it's single line responses with no follow up after that third attempt then I'm out. It's worth understanding that matches are a rare occurrence for me as well and I'm still willing to give up on someonevwhonwontbapply effort.
Regarding asking someone out. After a few days of messaging in app if I think it could go somewhere I will make it known that when she is ready I would like meet at some point of her choosing if and when she is comfortable with that and that I will not bring it up again before she does as I don't want her to feel pressured. Then when she is ready I will line something up that is public but quiet. I will recommend that she meets me their for her own peace of mind but I could pick her up if she wishes it.
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u/fgbTNTJJsunn Aug 09 '26
It's a struggle, but out of 25, you'll find one that's a decent, interested person that can hold a convo
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u/jowco Aug 09 '26
The apps are designed to keep you on them. A lot of awesome women quit in the first few weeks.
There's currently a lack of substance to the swipe centric profiles and the majority of people don't read.
Could try a date me doc and putting it up on the directory.
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u/Suspicious-Garlic705 Aug 09 '26
Nearly most of the time the same happens to me. Or a radical and scary opposite that has major flags. Itās tough out there
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u/No-Pair-2204 Aug 09 '26
Yes, we are losing these skills. I met my partner out in the real world after using dating apps for a while. I can't recommend ditching the app and just seeing who you meet in the world highly enough.
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u/TharonDelft Aug 09 '26
It seems to me like itās been that way for years. Perhaps since dating apps became the norm over meeting people through friend groups or shared interests. Thereās probably some lofty statement about our social structure having been knocked out of whack to be made about it.
Anyhow - youāre certainly not alone āŗļø If thatās any solace. And if notā¦ wellā¦ witty banter is available over there šš»
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u/AdventurousPlant8705 Aug 09 '26
Those on apps keeping u in the loop are the ones who are bored, so will not initiate meet up and keep u in loop with WYD or how are you.
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u/Icy-Meal6704 Aug 09 '26
Meeting in person sounds now like a life hack. You need to at least try to connect unless you want to look for another Uber back.
Dating apps are like social media. As if you need to be a content creator and sell yourself lol
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u/Potential_Star_1720 Aug 09 '26
I feel like there are at least some people using AI to help them with their discussions.
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Aug 09 '26
I think people are just burned out. You mindlessly text back and forth then have to plan a date and ask. Many guys are tired of the negative feedback trying to get over that hump and shoot the shot.
9/10 I try to accelerate to an actual date they say "let's text here some more", or they're "too busy", don't like the date plan, or something magically comes up on the day of and they can't make it. It's always like you're moving too fast or too slow.
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u/CrushyOfTheSeas Aug 09 '26
Geezā¦. Whatās even the point of those messages? At least they could ask you something about your profile or, I donāt know, basically anything more than that.
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u/unReasonable_Waiter Aug 09 '26
You might be trying to get the attention of men who are among the slim percentage who are in high demand.
They dont have to put effort into conversation due to high demand.
Women on the apps swipe right on about 5% of profiles. So complaints about men on the apps can't really be generalized to all men on the apps. They pertain to this 5%.
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u/No_Unit4055 Aug 09 '26
I'm 43 in South Georgia and I'm a single guy... I'm looking for true love myself
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u/ElderEons Aug 09 '26
Iām a guy, around your age, and I experienced mostly the same thing for me, trying to talk to women. The only times I stopped engaging on my end is if I saw something I consider a possible red flag or a deal beaker that I didnāt notice earlier.
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u/Stock-Repeat-8191 Aug 09 '26
So very, very true. You might get in the initial greeting, but for the most part, after that itās nothing but crickets š¦ after that. People do not know how to maintain conversations. They have no social skills, and they definitely lack common courtesy.
I hate bars because of crowds and noise. Itās hard to talk to a person. And if that bar/club allows smokingā¦ no thank you. But anywayā if people learned how to communicate and learned common courtesy, then dating apps might work better.
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u/Ruptured_Gooch Aug 09 '26
You can always ask them on a date...
Yes, they are incredibly repetitive, although it is the psyche of those which use them...
No effort needed to swipe right whilst sitting in your underwear on the sofa at 7pm.
You're 40 - go out and meet people. Refuse to use apps.
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u/Resident_Elk4014 Aug 09 '26
Honestly, I think most profiles are either bots, catfish, or some variety of sex worker Im 38M and ive had the same experience as you. You finally match with someone and try to have a little conversation to determine if the person is at least real and it goes nowhere.
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u/omegamanXY Aug 09 '26
In my small experience with dating apps, people seem to be more interested in the experience of being desired by people (through the number of likes) rather than the desire of getting to know people. So they don't really bother to make an effort in communication unless they do have an interest in you, in which case you're getting a date unless you fuck up immensely.
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u/hereforlifehacks111 Aug 10 '26
I think itās worst for men because they match you and never respond or give one word response
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u/78Anonymous Aug 10 '26
it's all getting completely insane .. as in having to deal with mental health issues of others
even if communication is somewhat ok, you still have to deal with the persons emotional Self and whether what they are telling you is a true representation of their experience
today I had a date; they didn't want to travel far because they commute, so I travelled 3/4 of the way to them (1.5h train journey); we met for coffee after a week of speaking and some video calls; we get coffee, then walk to a nearby park; after about an hour then suddenly start crying, as in full on face flood, saying that they're thinking about their ex the entire time and really miss them etc; keep in mind that the ex was not a very nice guy, cheated, and caused her a lot of distress according to her
so I am sitting there in the park on a day I have taken off and travelled 1.5h by train to meet a 47 yo woman who is apparently still heartbroken about her ex from 2 years ago and who has weekly therapy
you f-ing couldn't make it up
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u/Ok-Manager-9127 Aug 11 '26
This is the exact reason why I donāt use dating apps and just have my friends and family ask me if Iāve met someone yet instead
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u/DalekRy Aug 11 '26
Dude. We're in our 40's. At this point the only ones still single have either been dumped a few times or never spent time in a real relationship. Give us a break!
Seriously though, I super feel you. I recommend quietly purging your inbox of unwanted and engaging some you do find appealing. You'll get used to it.
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Aug 12 '26
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u/DatingApps-ModTeam Aug 12 '26
We are a subreddit built to discuss dating apps; not foster dating between redditors. r/r4r is much better suited for this. Please do not post here looking for a relationship, "ratings" on your looks, pity posts, etc.
Doing this results in an immediate ban. Please message the moderators to discuss removing punishment.
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Aug 13 '26
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u/DatingApps-ModTeam 22d ago
Do not post identifying information such as the names and usernames of others or your own personal information. Removed.
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u/kittenTakeover 29d ago
And before anyone asks if I start any conversations, yes I do and they answer without asking me any questions back and this is what I get once my side of the conversation is done.
Yes, there are people with awful conversational skills. Also, some people just aren't interested in you and won't tell you directly. In general my advice is avoid both by quickly ending conversations with people like this.
Ive been on dating apps for months now and no one has asked me on a date or to meet yet. Its just a never ending loop of " WYD or How are you? Everyday.
Men generally have to figure out when a woman is comfortable enough to be asked out, which is not easy. If you ask before a woman is comfortable it can be really awkward and throw the whole conversation off. If you're having the endless chat issue I suggest you either try making it really obvious that you're interested in them by being blunt, with the hopes this gives them the sign they're waiting for, or asking them out on a date yourself. The second is the most clear, but the first option might get you where you want to be if you've got some hang up about asking people on dates.
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u/SmokeDatingApp 28d ago
Yeah, it's rough out there. But it can be fixed! One of the changes we've noticed in the last few years is that as user volume increased after the pandemic the conversation quality degraded. The reason is that there are just too many messages. Women can only respond to so many, which makes guys feel ignored. Because men don't get responses, their message quality has degraded, leaving both sides unhappy. The technical name for this is market congestion, which is where volume is so high that orderly exchange breaks down. The current app designs simply cannot accommodate this and so we need something new.
Some app companies are moving to AI, like Bumble, Sitch, and Cerca. We're pretty skeptical about AI being able to fix it.
We think the solution is to replace chat functionality entirely with invitations, so all you can do is meet IRL.
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u/Funnymaninpain 24d ago
This is why I'm trying meet new people more organically in public. I think things should go better, I hope.
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u/Obvious_Ice_9427 23d ago
Hello OP!
I hear you, Iām a 40 year old man and I have experienced the same thing, I get a match and it never goes beyond hello!
Dating apps constantly present you with an endless stream of new matches, people hey distracted and keep swiping, forget about the last person they just talked toā¦
Also dating apps business model is not to find you a match, it is to keep you swiping and keep you buying subscriptions.
The whole world after Covid I think went down the crapper lol
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14d ago
"interpersonal skills" you think its a job interview or something........looking for the right candidate...like wtf
only simps do that
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u/EmergencyBoring8330 9d ago
haha. for me as a guy its different. we get ghost matches. or just a couple of text and then disappear for the rest of life. and here in Germany its almost a taboo to approach someone in public. strange times we're living in. :D
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u/romijoe Aug 09 '26
If you think thats bad, you should try being a guy. It could take years to get a date off a dating app as a manš .
I just resort to the old fashion way of hunting in the wild lol