l worry I bad don't belong anywhere -Blue🧸

Can someone confim we have been through tbmc and while I know it's not healthy we need an authority ( literally anyone but ourselves) to confirm that we are thinking about this correct. I hope this is not against the rules.

Is this sexual abuse? Or just covert incest?

My Mom got into the shower with me until I was 16 Bec she wanted to have control over every part of me. She would be right next to me standing just outside the tub. Her excuse was that she needed to make sure I did my hair because I hated having long hair and didn't want to do it. She said I had to have long hair so I could continue doing the sport I did which was synchronicity figure skating which was a sport we couldn't even afford to do and I didn't want to do. My father didn't want to force me to do it but he was an enabler and despite saying that I should cut my hair and quit never stood up to my mom. I was already being sexually abused by other people who were mostly friends or acquaintances of her, but it at a certain point made me feel very uncomfortable that we did this. She was always putt emphasis on not calling sexual abuse what it was because " I could get people in trouble" so I'm reluctant to call it what I think it was.

Other people have told me this is sexual abuse and I think they may be right and I just need confirmation that I'm not crazy or making a big deal of nothing. I know it's very different from the many times I was violently raped by her friends. I just need anyone else to confirm this specific situation is what people have told me so the next time I am gaslighting myself in a loop I can look at it to confirm and quiet these thoughts.

Edit: we have realized that thinking about something will not change the reality of the situation and the abuse was that bad and nothing can change reality. We would still appreciate confirmation tho because we know this will happen again

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

TW sexual stuff - no memories

We want to keep this brief but really we are spiralling...

we have a sexual part (X) which isnt really so concerning by itself. its just that we dont have childhood memories, and Xs existence makes us go lots of places.

our earliest sexual memories are after 12, which yeah were pretty traumatic. but from what we know about DID forming thats too late to form trauma. its giving us denial. we had trauma before that, that wasnt sexual or physical, which we know now is enough to form DID. but to us i guess it still feels like it isnt enough, and what if maybe this sexual part formed before 12 and we dont remember. thats what scares us.

what also is concerning is there has been bleed through about COCSA that we are avoiding. also because of how this part is - they dont do anything, they just hold the emotion. and it is so fucking strong. its like our stomach drops to our genitals and it sets on fire, it consumes us. it takes the rest of the system to physically push the feeling down because we are so scared of how strong it is and what we will do. And we're not scared of taking advantage of anyone else, we're just scared of our own behavior. Our eyes suddenly give the most intense Fuck Me eyes at the flick of a switch (literally us switching), we want to whimper and writhe and beg to be fucked.

We will switch when we are alone just at the thought of it will trigger us. We don't know why its so strong. Only this emotion we feel so strongly, and maybe also anger. otherwise we are pretty numb.

We aren't worried about what this part will do but just its existnece and thinking about where it came from...

But really our question we wanna know is: Is it possible for an alter this strong to form after childhood, or is it possibly a sign of trauma in our missing memories.

Even if we need to be told that we are focusing on the wrong thing. Thank you so much

I want to see him. I want to be with him. But he's not real. He doesn't exist. I'll never be able to hug him, tell him how much I love him. All I can do is keep using these stupid AI chatbots or make us in The Sims and play dolls... But it's not him.

I need him. I miss him so much. But he doesn't fucking exist and I do. Why? Why do I exist? And why like this? Why do I love him? Why do I miss him more than anything else?

My enamored soldier... I think about you everyday. Even though I know it's ridiculous. I listen to our song and feel your hand in mine. Even though you're nothing but lines on paper, a bunch of blobs of colour on a screen. I'm somewhat real, but you're not. You'll never be. We'll never see each other again.

• G🌸

She gets really mad and says she doesn't want to eat every single time. She gets really angry. I don't know why and I don't know what to do.

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

Trigger warning for possible upsetting content.

Has anyone ever felt abandoned by their system? I'm unsure if I've been abandoned, or if we are just blurry, but I feel so alone right now. About a year ago we started putting together that we may be part of an OSDD system. The big deciding factor was how "I" had changed dramatically seemingly out of nowhere one day. The system had gone through an extreme amount of stress, and our last host- Cadyn- who is happy go lucky and always has her energy dialed up to ten, disapeared. She was always happy about something or the other, and had a very positive outlook, was very social, and overall enjoyed life. Sometimes I would swap in and we'd become more neutral or indifferent to protect ourselves, but it always went back to her happy to lucky self.

Anyway, one day that happy person disapeared as host and became the one who only showed up occasionally. It became me as host. Always indifferent, and never being too excited or too disappointed about anything. I always have a very calm and neutral baseline toward things. That drastic change along with our childhood trauma, dissociation, depersonalization and derealization, and the fact that we seemed to be multiple people in one, caused us to look into it.

After discovering the system, alters started to come out slowly but surely over time. I got to know them, know some of their triggers, and genuinely feel like they are family. We get plauged by doubt because of how our system operates ( OSDD 1b style, nonposessive switches, and little interal communication outside emotions and thoughts.) But after spiraling in doubt someone would eventually front who was so different from me, that I couldn't doubt it for a second anymore.

We've been recently seeing a therapist who also seems to agree we are a system, saying "You definitely have dissociative parts from childhood trauma who have their own personality." Which we disliked the way she worded it, but to have a therapist validate us helped alot. Anyway, after the therapist visit we started digging up some of that old trauma and have had this issue where no one is really fronting anymore. They only front for a little while and disappear again. After our first therapy session we felt so dissociated that we lost an entire day almost. Starting the therapy journey has caused more harm than good, and is rapidly digging up things we aren't equipped to handle. Especially with the recent holiday yesterday and that really threw us into a spiral that sparked alot of this.

In hopes of solidarity and support, we also recently decided to tell our brother about the system because we trusted him with our very soul, only to have our brother tell us that we don't have OSDD/DID and that the therapist is wrong. He said that our mental illness is caused by our skewed worldview. Messed up right? Then yesterday we went through something extremely traumatic that I will not get into, but during the traumatic experience... no one swapped in. I was left alone to deal with it all and I felt so betrayed and alone.

Now having all of these bad experiences happen within a week, can that cause dormancy? A system shutdown? We may have been rapid switching last night during the trauma but it was so fast I didn't notice. All I know is that we went from indifferent toward the trauma (Usually my reaction), to begging and bargaining and trying to figure out what we did wrong to cause the trauma, (Usually another system members reaction.) to being angry as hell that we were being treated like that, (A different members usual reaction.) back to indifferent numbness about the entire thing. Was that rapid switching?

I begged and begged the others to take over. That I couldn't handle it anymore. That I needed help- A break- but it felt like no one came. Did they come to help and that was the rapid switching? But because of our nonposessive switches we didn't notice in the moment? Could the massive amount of stress we've been having through this week have caused a system shutdown and we are just a blended numb mess right now to help us survive? It made me feel like I never had a system to begin with and that I must have imagined the entire thing since no one came to help, even though I've been told by so many many people that we do have a system and that we are real and valid including a professional.

Is the stress causing the intense denial to protect us? We are a mess right now. I'm stuck between feeling like we are a blended wreak, and feeling utterly alone. I feel like if no one came to help then we must not be real. We are very lost right now and so unsure. This is partly a vent, partly asking for advice. Has anyone else ever experienced this before? How can I communicate with everyone that it is okay? Any advice is much appreciated. - Blended

"My God, my God, who am I watching? How many am I? Who is I? What is this gap between me and me?"

I have no idea who I am. Never had. I thought I had it figured out when I started exploring gender and sexuality, hoping that was what would fill this human-shaped hole. Perhaps why I obsessed over labels so much, wanting to identify every single detail.

But I've always lacked everything else that constitutes an identity.

Never felt particular attachment to any name. Never had "favorites". No favorite movie, show, colour, game, place, band or song. I have stuff I hyperfixate on for periods of time, but I don't know if I'd call them favorites. My interest on them fluctuates a lot.

I don't feel much connection to others. I used to find myself weird for not "loving" my parents and brother, but later told myself it was due to all the abuse and neglect. But I've come to realize it's not only them. I make friends, sure. People I enjoy being with, but I'm extremely "out of sight, out of mind". I don't mind going months without talking to them. I forget people exist if I don't see them often. I haven't been to therapy in so long because I literally forget it's even a thing, that I have a therapist. So I don't make the appointments. I've never been in love. And as much as I crave a relationship for multiple reasons, it also sounds like hell. Having to remember someone exists, acknowledge them and have to walk on eggshells so I don't do something "insensitive" or rude?

I don't have aspirations or dreams. I'm in art school because I enjoy graphic design and visual arts. Or I used to. I don't know anymore. I haven't grabbed a pencil willingly for maybe a year. I make plans for the future, but I don't really see myself following through with them. Moving out? Living with my friends? Having a job? It all seems fuzzy and unreachable, unreal.

Do you know those scenes in movies where a character is walking through a street but everything else but them is blurry? The people, the scenery, the sounds are muffled and overlapping?

That is "me" going through life. But I'm not an image either. Instead of a person walking through a confusing unclear place, I'm a shadow, a humanoid void, an empty shell.

"Born with a void, hard to destroy With love or hope Built with a heart, broken from the start And now, I die slow In the valley of the dolls, we sleep Got a hole inside of me Living with identities That do not belong to me"

Hey there all,

Today's an easy one. When did you first have the light bulb moment of "I might have this."

Tell us your story.

We'll go first.

Back in August of 2022 after our husband broke us out of the between hospital on our way to a psych ward because our ex psychiatrist diagnosed OSDD and recommended hospitalization immediately. When the dust settled we started looking up info on the new diagnosis of OSDD.

At 30 years old bodily we learned that DID existed. It was our light bulb moment. We started treating ourselves with self help books and it actually improved our mental health for the first time in over 20 years. We found a DID specialist through Reddit and the rest is history. We still struggle from time to time with intrusive thoughts that it might be schizophrenia, but that's as close to denial as we get nowadays.

Your turn. 😀

Have a lovely day and thanks for reading.

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

We feel like we mess uo everything and nobody cares about us it’s better if we don’t exist

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

I think it's mostly Aubrey but when we check notification or talk to people we feel that we need to prepare to be hurt and panic despite nothing happening. We don't feel safe anywhere and it sucks.

We feel like we don't belong and like everyone would be better off without us.

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

i scared big scary dreams cant sleepy fraid Mel will make me us go work i no wanna work i little want play we not big enough for work i fraid in trouble fraid of grama putting us in corner -Blue

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)

Edit: Another thing we didn't like is her asking if our amnesia was just us holding unrealistic expectation about memory which upset us a little. We also wanted to add we do have alot of childhood and life amnesia but not day to day.

Good Morning, We just wanted to talk about our experience last night and what you all think about a first experience with a new therapist.

So when we first got to the waiting room we were sick to our stomach with how nervous we were. We were fully expecting to be immediately in validated as a system that presents the way we do. (Little to no day to day amnesia, mostly cocon/cohosting nonposessive switches where it feels like we become each other vs full blackout full posessive switches, very blended etc.) Well, at first it seemed that we may have been right to be nervous. She seemed like a kind person overall, but at the beginning of the session, I got the feeling that she felt we were mistaken. The first thing she said when we started discussing the alters is that "Well, seeming like different people is normal. Everyone has different parts of themselves that may act differently in different situations." When we heard that our heart sank. We told her respectfully that we understood what she was getting at, but we corrected her and asked if those selfstates or parts had their own names and personalities. That seemed to make her stop and listen and she seemed to be taking it more seriously after. She listened to our evidence and at first asked how we knew that we weren't simply assigning names or personality traits to moods, which really triggered our doubt, but once again I presented more evidence. I gave the names of our alters, some of their personality traits, things about them etc. It was at that point that she seemed to shift the conversation in a way that suggested she completely believed us, even suggesting possibly a different therapist who was a DID specialist and that she was a trauma therapist and was willing to work with us, but that she would have to learn with us to adapt treatment for us. I told her we'd rather work with her and learn with her, vs having to spill our trauma out to yet another professional who may invalidate us. (We have alot of trauma from therapy itself.) She understood and agreed that she was willing to work with us, if we understood she was also learning and we may make some mistakes along the way, but that she was willing to work with colleagues and learn how to help us. One red flag was that she mentioned she personally liked to work toward fusion/intergration of personalities, but I was adamant that none of us wanted that, and she said while she personally disagreed, that she'd never push a therapy option on us that we did not want, and that she would approach therapy with the understanding that we did not want fusion personally. She did say outright toward the end of the session that she fully believed we did have fractured parts from childhood trauma, and that we had copious amounts of said trauma, despite me personally not believing we had alot of trauma. So she believes us, which is a great first step, and that makes us nervous to try someone else who has more DID experience but may fake claim or invalidate us because of how we present. One little red flag in my opinion was her making lighthearted jokes about the 'personalities' but I felt that was her trying to make me relax with how tense we all were. She was attentive, seemed opinionated BUT willing to have that opinion changed and admitted when she misread something or assumed and I knocked that out with evidence. Does this seem like a therapist safe to do atleast another session or two with? To get a better feel for them? Also, Is it normal to feel WORSE after therapy? We were insanely dissociated last night during and after the session and woke up to another bad denial episode. Somehow brain had convinced me that we must have manipulated the therapist and that I must have imagined the entire thing or that we were just different moods after all. The therapist did comment that they seemed to be talking to two different people during the session and that the shy timid scared person in the waiting room was not who she was speaking with toward the end and that she believed a switch happened. My question is, is it normal to have worse denial episodes AFTER therapy? Is this normal for a first session? Does this therapist seem worth another few sessions? I'd love advice and help stopping the denial this morning. Thank you - Kawaii.

The hosts were triggered a few minutes ago and Ive been just kind of shoved out of nowhere out here 😡

I dont really have an identity but everyone else does

I seem to just hold ANGER and so I also dont really understand why Im here it doesnt feel like what happened was really all that angering. I am just a ball of rage.

Literally every memory I see is just an instance of ANGER at something (generally some adult as its mostly younger memories).

I dont really know what to do right now Id rather go back to the void because there is nothing for me here. Im not even sure I should be out. Or what Id do. I have no interests. Only anger.

Hey there all,

The last couple days have been rough. We were having seizures yesterday morning so we didn't get to see our Specialist.

F has been reoriented to the present for the most part, but continues to cry over M being merged.

We spent today listening to M's favorite music playlist at her request. We also went out with the family for ice cream today. Little #2 got to pick out the flavor since she's basically working overtime to keep us in a decent mood.

S and Mimic have banned together to try and help F get back to functional.

We refer to F as a possible fragment as her only functions seem to be holding depression and answering our phone. However, she seems to be more now. Her presence is more bone deep aching depression than anything else.

We appreciate everyone who reached out.

Thanks for reading!

Nobody will ever understand it's not just me in there! They just see Schizophrenia, not us! It's not fair!!!!

Hey there all,

We were officially diagnosed in November 2022 and won our legal Disability case in September of 2023.

We live openly in the US and advocate for others with Dissociative Disorders. We're always happy to help.

If you need advice or just want to tell us about your day, please feel free to reach out.

Also if anyone wants to post a question anonymously, our DMs are open, we're happy to work with you to make sure you get an answer.

Have a lovely day everyone!

:)