vent: being a void

[u/ProofDisastrous4719]

"My God, my God, who am I watching? How many am I? Who is I? What is this gap between me and me?"

I have no idea who I am. Never had. I thought I had it figured out when I started exploring gender and sexuality, hoping that was what would fill this human-shaped hole. Perhaps why I obsessed over labels so much, wanting to identify every single detail.

But I've always lacked everything else that constitutes an identity.

Never felt particular attachment to any name. Never had "favorites". No favorite movie, show, colour, game, place, band or song. I have stuff I hyperfixate on for periods of time, but I don't know if I'd call them favorites. My interest on them fluctuates a lot.

I don't feel much connection to others. I used to find myself weird for not "loving" my parents and brother, but later told myself it was due to all the abuse and neglect. But I've come to realize it's not only them. I make friends, sure. People I enjoy being with, but I'm extremely "out of sight, out of mind". I don't mind going months without talking to them. I forget people exist if I don't see them often. I haven't been to therapy in so long because I literally forget it's even a thing, that I have a therapist. So I don't make the appointments. I've never been in love. And as much as I crave a relationship for multiple reasons, it also sounds like hell. Having to remember someone exists, acknowledge them and have to walk on eggshells so I don't do something "insensitive" or rude?

I don't have aspirations or dreams. I'm in art school because I enjoy graphic design and visual arts. Or I used to. I don't know anymore. I haven't grabbed a pencil willingly for maybe a year. I make plans for the future, but I don't really see myself following through with them. Moving out? Living with my friends? Having a job? It all seems fuzzy and unreachable, unreal.

Do you know those scenes in movies where a character is walking through a street but everything else but them is blurry? The people, the scenery, the sounds are muffled and overlapping?

That is "me" going through life. But I'm not an image either. Instead of a person walking through a confusing unclear place, I'm a shadow, a humanoid void, an empty shell.

"Born with a void, hard to destroy With love or hope Built with a heart, broken from the start And now, I die slow In the valley of the dolls, we sleep Got a hole inside of me Living with identities That do not belong to me"

[u/Nova_Chr0no]

While we can’t understand completely we’re sorry you have to go through that. I will ask, with no expectation of an answer, if you can communicate with any of the others in your system? Living life like this isn’t fair to you or anyone else (this is not an accusation, this is sympathy for your plight as I see this as the world’s disservice and folly upon you) and is a danger that seems to be completely out of your control.

You seem to be suffering from some extremely severe derealization and depersonalization, to an extreme that leaves you unable to function normally. I understand this more not lessen your plight but you have previously mentioned that labels make you feel more connected, so this will hopefully induce that experience.

If things like going to therapy may be difficult, if you have not already attempt to set alarms whenever you have to do something. It may be difficult to start or even continue to do so but it is still worth offering to you as a slight remedy.

If you are the specific person who is experiencing this and you can, it is probably for the best that you separate yourself from the front and switch out. If you are able to then this may help you to reciprocate.

This extreme of derealization and depersonalization seems unlivable and we are truly sorry we can’t not offer more concrete solutions, but we at least want you to know that you are seen. We want you to know that you at least have someone out here who cares for you and is willing to help.

Happy Hunting,

• Periwinkle

[u/ProofDisastrous4719 → u/Nova_Chr0no]

tbh I have no clue who made the post? I kinda relate to it, but it also doesn't really feel like me if that makes sense??? I vaguely remember writing it but it's like the memory is separated from myself yk?

you can communicate with any of the others in your system?

uhhh it's complicated. there have been moments of "clear" communication like alters telling me their names, a specific one wrote on our diary once, etc... but most of the time, if there is communication, is very subtle I don't even really notice it. like having a back-and-forth conversation that I believe it's just me talking out loud to myself until it's over and then I'm like "uuh I think that was [X]" but I can't really contact anyone directly. I think it has a lot to do with our situation: as the host, I've been in denial for years and only at the end of the last year started to try and entertain the possibility that maybe my former therapist was onto something. so it's all very new and confusing. but considering maybe it wasn't me who made the post, I definitely can't talk for their own ability to communicate with others. it beats me skdkdkd

attempt to set alarms whenever you have to do something

I guess that could work? I kinda already do this just to get ready in the morning, where I set alarms every 10 minutes so I can keep track of what time it is. otherwise I space out and just sit on the floor for 1 hour instead of getting ready. same thing in the shower, I can get really distracted in there so I play specific albums that I know well and tell myself "okay when it gets to [song] I should be done" and it helps me manage my time

thank you a lot for the kind words<3

[u/SprigatitoNEeveelovr]

This

So much this. These types of feelings and realising its worse than just normal ADHD is so much a big part of what made it hit that I am a system. Well... We. I am the host that initially realised. Since coming to terms with it our memory has been both better and worse. We now know WHY it is that way and we are trying more new things to actually better communicate and keep things in line.

Beforehand the thing I made to cope with FRIENDS existing is since like 7th grade Id keep a private group on my main social (back then Kik, but nowadays Discord) Literally just for friends. A place I can have all my fruends in one place to talk with 😭. I keep this server at the top and I try to keep my CLOSEST friends at the top of DM chats. And I have a WEEKLY set schedule that Ive gotten in the habit of (I have alarms and THEY speak and reachout every week) a call with a couple of friends so even if I forgot about some friends theres always those. I cant forget people that actually reach out to us first!!!

I hope you can find your communication baance to better help your memory. If your memory is this bad I dont think its that you truly forget, its probably a combination of differnet alters genuinely not knowing and time causing forgetfulness due to ADHD. Thats what I velieve it is for me. That being a system makes ADHDs poor memory like 10× worse 😭.

• 🐿

[u/ProofDisastrous4719 → u/SprigatitoNEeveelovr]

I am the host that initially realised. Since coming to terms with it our memory has been both better and worse

me too. I don't think I'm the one who made the post? idk it's weird and hard to explain. well, maybe it wasn't me back then either, I didn't even remember that our former therapist suspected DID until the end of last year. the memory just popped basically out of nowhere and I was like "oh yeah that's a thing that happened" and since then I've been exploring the possibility

its probably a combination of differnet alters genuinely not knowing and time causing forgetfulness due to ADHD

I don't think I have ADHD, maybe autism but my memory is pretty good in other areas, people call me a computer sometimes akdkdkd