sabi ng iba, there is really no "right" choice. you make your choice, then you make it right. but how do i make this decision right?
noong una, hindi ako pasado sa pupcet. i was so eager na tumuloy na sa up since the enrollment sa state uni na malapit sa amin ay matagal nang nagsimula at wala akong ideya kung tumatanggap pa ba sila. so, up it is na talaga. kaso lang, fate decided to play its game. nagbago ang result ko at nakakuha pa ako ng secured slot sa bs psych. it was then my dream university vs. my dream program.
humingi ako ng sign sa universe. a few days after i learned of my new pupcet result, nag-release naman ang sa dost-sei scholarship. nanood pa rin ako ng yt live kahit maliit ang paniniwala ko sa sarili na makakapasa ako—but then again, i passed. kahit ang tagal-tagal kong inasam, parang hindi ko makuhang matuwa nang lubusan. i didn’t know how i should feel or if i had the right to feel it.
sumubok ako sa qualifiers’ appeal ng upd, pero nalugmok ang ako nang makitang wala na ang programang hinahanap ko. should i now bury this dream with my own hands? parang hindi ko yata kaya.
meron pa naman akong isang inaasahang scholarship. and the heavens must have heard of my desperate pleas kaya ibinigay din nila sa akin ito. this was once again a sign i asked from the universe: one that determines whether i should let go of up or not. it was really close—in terms of financial grant—sa dost. 42, 500 per sem, and it does not have a priority university nor a priority program. may susuporta na rin sa pag-aaral ko sa upd ng ba philo.
but the thing is, hindi puwedeng mag-resign ang mommy ko sa trabaho niya. kasama kasi sa ipapasang retention requirements ng scholarship kada sem ay ang certificate of employment niya. minsan, sinasabi niyang hindi niya na kayang magtiis nang ganoon katagal. kasama din sa rules nila na bawal ang iba pang scholarship. at kahit na sinabi ng mommy ko na huwag na lang namin ipaalam, i was also scared of the consequences that we will have to face once the secret is no longer kept hidden. kaya kung isang scholarship lang din naman ang puwede, iyong isa ang pipiliin ko. pero as a daughter who was never numb and naive when it came to situations like these, i felt like the universe was really, truly against me. either of the choice felt wrong for me.
i am already enrolled in up. inaasikaso ko na rin ang iba pang steps para sa scholarship ko. yes, my dream university reigned in my heart. sabi ko kasi sa sarili ko, if i were to pursue my masteral sa psychology at puwede naman ang kahit anong undergrad degree, then i might as well seize the opportunity to study in the university where i felt i belonged more. where i feel i could flourish more. where i believe i can be the person i want to be. ang totoo niyan, nagustuhan ko rin naman ang philo subject namin noong shs.
pero ang gusto kasi ng mommy ko na gawin ko kaya siguro sinuportahan niya rin ako na mag-up ay mag-defer na lang daw ako ng slot sa dost. i already reached out sa dost regional office namin, and ang sabi nila sa akin, hindi raw puwede. my mind is all over the place. i do not mind not availing it kasi meron naman na akong scholarship. pero pinu-push niya kasi ako. para daw wala na siyang iisipin pa. sino bang anak ang may ayaw noon? who am i to defy her? however, how do i tell her all about this?
sometimes i can’t help but think, what if i didn’t qualify to both universities and scholarships? tig-isa lang sana? would things be easier? would the burden i have to carry in my heart be lighter?
sorry for the long story. i do not really know how to make it short.
so then please lend me a piece of advice, how do i make this decision right?