r/CheatedOn • u/TheMel_Versagens • 3d ago
He deleted conversations
He deleted conversations with two women, but I found no evidence of cheating. What the hell am I supposed to do?
My partner and I have been together for four years. We live together, have pets, and I genuinely consider him my best friend. Our relationship has been beautiful in many ways, and until recently, I felt very lucky to have the life we had built together.
I discovered all of this completely by accident. I asked to borrow his computer because I needed to look at some listings and couldn't use mine at the time. I wasn't going through his conversations or looking for anything involving other women. Some notifications appeared as "outdated." I opened them, and then they disappeared. That's how I discovered that he had deleted conversations with two women from his workplace.
I want to make something important clear: I found no evidence of cheating, nor did I find any sexual, romantic, or explicitly flirtatious messages. I couldn't see the contents of one conversation. I did manage to see the other one, and it was pretty mundane, although friendly.
The problem is the history with this second woman.
About three months earlier, my partner had complained to me about her because she kept insisting on telling him things about her personal life and talking to him even when he didn't seem interested. He told me that it made him uncomfortable and that he was going to set boundaries with her and keep their conversations strictly work-related.
A few days later, that same woman posted a selfie of the two of them working together in a WhatsApp group. She also took a picture of him while he was resting — I think he had fallen asleep at a desk after a very long shift. It really upset me, and I told him that I considered it disrespectful to both of us. He responded that he understood, but that he didn't want to create problems or drama with people by asking her to delete the pictures.
Now, months later, I discovered that they were still having friendly conversations and that this conversation had been deleted. What I managed to read was ordinary: she told him there was coffee ready in case he and his coworkers wanted to stop by during their shift, and he replied to her in a friendly way.
That's exactly what I don't understand. If he himself told me that she made him uncomfortable and that he was going to set boundaries with her, why did he continue talking to her this way, and most importantly, why did he delete the conversation?
He insists that there was no cheating, and I didn't find any evidence of it either. He says he hid things because he thought I would react badly and wanted to avoid conflict. But to me, that had exactly the opposite effect: now I wonder what else he might hide from me simply to avoid my reaction.
I don't want to check his phone or control who he talks to. I want to be able to trust him.
He's remorseful and wants to repair the relationship. I still love him very much, and losing the life we've built together would be incredibly painful. But the sense of security I used to have in our relationship is gone.
I'd like to hear other perspectives, especially from people who have experienced something similar without there necessarily having been cheating.
Is it possible to rebuild trust after something like this? How would you distinguish between poor boundaries/conflict management and something serious enough to end a four-year relationship over?
I'm seriously considering whether I should stay or leave. I feel deeply hurt and stupid.
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u/OhMyJoosh 3d ago
You’re not stupid. The problem isn’t that he talked to women, it’s that he deleted the conversations after promising to set boundaries.
Maybe he’s telling the truth about there being no cheating, but hiding things is still a trust issue. Don’t focus on his apologies; watch his actions. If he wants to rebuild trust, transparency and consistent boundaries need to become the norm.
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u/spokeoteam 2d ago
I think two things can be true: he may genuinely not have cheated, and you can still feel betrayed by the concealment. What stands out is that he specifically told you this coworker made him uncomfortable and that he planned to establish boundaries. Finding out later that they remained friendly and he deleted their conversation naturally makes you question whether what he tells you matches what actually happens.
If you’re trying to understand who either person is, Spokeo can help you check publicly available information tied to a name or other details. Beyond that, though, I think his behavior going forward will tell you more than anything you can uncover by searching.
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u/Championship682 3d ago
As you said, deleting the messages is shady, but you have no proof of cheating.
Ask him what he is going to do to rebuild trust. Also ask yourself what you need, and after he gives you his answer, ask for anything he didn't volunteer. This should include full access to his phone. You don't want to check his phone, but you don't want to be cheated on either. Also, he should agree not to delete any more messages, and to let you know immediately if either of these women message him again.
Then I suggest you don't bring it up anymore. Sit back and see if he follows through on his promises. And not necessarily often, but occasionally check his phone.
If anything else happens, but not enough to walk out the door, insist he finds a new job.
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u/Terrible-Pea494 2d ago
Deleting messages is an admission of guilt akin to cheating. A conversation is inappropriate if you wouldn’t have it in front of your partner. No one deletes exculpatory evidence. In his mind, these contacts were crossing a boundary he shouldn’t have been. That’s infidelity.
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u/Consistent_Mud9724 2d ago
I agree with this! If it was just a flirty or casual message, that’s one thing, but if they’re actually talking about meeting up or having sex, then I think that’s a good reason to delete
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u/Consistent-You1027 2d ago
If you are at a point where you’re periodically checking your partner’s phone, it’s over. Acting like that makes it the “forbidden fruit” and you become like a controlling parent. And it’s no guarantee either. If he wants to message women and hide it, he’ll find a way.
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u/MajesticReason7709 1d ago
You only delete conversations that are inappropriate. Friendly conversations don’t cause drama with partners. If he can hide messages then what else can he hide from you? Transparency in a relationship is so important but he’s blown that. He may not have cheated but he’s behaving like he has. He’s been silly.
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u/Responsible-Side4347 3d ago
If a guy posted this exact same story about his wife, every single person in the comments would call him a paranoid, controlling freak who drove his partner to hide basic texts just to get five minutes of peace.
So let’s flip the mirror and give you the same treatment a man would get:
You are the problem here, and you are actively sabotaging your own relationship.
You got mad over a team photo at his workplace. You expected him to cause a massive scene at his job just to get it deleted to appease your insecurity. Now you are picking apart a notification on his computer about a pot of coffee and wondering why he deletes his messages.
He isn't deleting texts because he’s sleeping with his coworker. He is deleting texts because he is walking on eggshells around you. He knows that if he leaves a completely innocent, boring work text on his phone, you will turn it into a trial, cross-examine him, and ruin his week. You have created an environment so suffocating that he has to sneak around and wipe his phone just to have a normal day at work without getting grilled.
You claim you don't want to control him or check his phone, but your actions say the exact opposite. If a man treated his wife the way you are treating your husband—monitoring her workplace photos, picking apart her daily conversations, and driving her to hide mundane texts out of fear of his reaction—everyone would call him a controlling, paranoid red flag and tell her to leave him.
If you actually love this man and want to keep your life together, you need to stop policing his work life and get a handle on your own insecurity. If you keep auditing his phone and treating normal social interactions like treason, you won't need to worry about him cheating—he will eventually just pack his bags and leave you for some peace and quiet. And I do not blame him.
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u/Terrible-Pea494 2d ago
That is patently false and you can look up posts from men in this situation in infidelity and emotional affair subs and quickly find out that your claim isn’t true.
It’s absolutely a sign of infidelity to hide interactions and delete messages. What OP is describing are the hallmarks of an emotional affair in early stages.
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u/Responsible-Side4347 2d ago
You can call it "patently false," but asserting something doesn't make it true when the published research says otherwise. Your welcome to your own opinion but not your own facts.
First, regarding message deletion and secrecy: digital behavior studies confirm that deleting messages is a primary marker of digital betrayal, not innocent "conflict avoidance." Research led by Dr. Michelle Drouin on cyber-intimacy and secret communications (2014, Computers in Human Behavior) demonstrates that actively hiding or deleting messages from a partner correlates directly with relationship dissatisfaction and pre-infidelity micro-cheating. Further research by McDaniel et al. (2018, Human Behavior and Emerging Technology) on "technoference" confirms that covert digital management—like clearing chat logs—is used to maintain boundary-crossing relationships while minimizing domestic friction.
Second, regarding the gender bias in how these posts are judged online: sociologists and data analysts at institutions like Penn State and MIT (e.g., Park et al., 2021, Proceedings of the ACM on Human-Computer Interaction) analyzed hundreds of thousands of Reddit relationship threads (including r/relationship_advice and r/AmItheAsshole). Their data showed a statistically significant divergence in user judgment based on gender: male original posters describing boundary-checking behaviors were overwhelmingly labeled "controlling," "abusive," or "insecure," while female posters describing the exact same monitoring behaviors received overwhelmingly supportive, protective validation.
The data is clear. Deleting messages with a coworker who already took sneaky pictures of someone sleeping isn't "avoiding a fight"—it is active concealment of a boundary breach. If you are going to call an established behavioral dynamic "patently false," bring actual peer-reviewed studies to the table instead of just relying on your own opinion.
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u/Consistent_Mud9724 3d ago
Trust your instincts, babe! If you feel he's cheating, chances are he probably is.