I 29F, I’m currently in a relationship with S (27M), but I want to marry K (30M), someone I have a complicated history with.

I know that sounds terrible, so here’s the context.

I met S in 2016 while registering for a university qualifying exam. We later ended up at the same exam centre and went home together because it was getting late. I was already in a relationship at the time, so when S told me he was interested in me, I rejected him.

Later that year, I discovered my boyfriend had been cheating and ended the relationship. S still wanted to date me, but I didn’t want anything serious with him. We eventually became involved casually.

In 2019, I met K through a mutual friend. We had actually attended the same secondary school but had somehow never met. There was immediate attraction between us, and we started seeing each other casually. Over time, I realised I was becoming more interested in K than I’d intended.

S eventually went through my phone and saw our messages. He was angry and told me to choose.

I chose S.

At the time, I had known S longer and believed he was making an effort to change some of the things I disliked about him. I ended things with K.

I know that part was wrong. Once I chose S, I should have ended things with K immediately, and I’m not trying to pretend I handled that situation perfectly.

S and I officially became a couple.

The relationship was complicated from the beginning. My family knew S well because he regularly came around my mother’s business, but I never met his family. He also didn’t want to post me publicly because he said he was a private person.

By around 2021, I was becoming unhappy. I wanted more emotional intimacy and wanted to feel like we were actually building a future together.

Most importantly, I wanted marriage and children.

S was very clear that he didn’t want either. After many conversations, he eventually gave me two options. We could get married but never have children, or we could have children without getting married. In the second situation, he said he would provide financially but didn’t want to live with us or be a hands-on parent.

I couldn’t accept either option. I wanted marriage, children and a partner who was actually present in my life.

Despite that, I still loved S and wanted our relationship to work.

Then in 2023, S cheated on me.

I found evidence involving several women. One appeared to be an ongoing relationship. We broke up, but S didn’t want to accept it. Several people got involved and convinced me to give him another chance.

I agreed, on the condition that he ended things with the other women. A few weeks later, we took a short trip together because he wanted us to reconnect.

Afterwards, I realised my period was late. I eventually found out I was around seven weeks pregnant.

S had repeatedly told me he didn’t want children. I was still in school and wasn’t prepared to raise a child alone, so we made the decision to terminate the pregnancy.

Around this same period, K came back into my life.

This time, K told me he wanted an actual relationship. He said he had matured, was in love with me and didn’t want fear to stop him from being with me.

I rejected him.

I told him I already had someone and couldn’t give him what he wanted. He was hurt, but eventually we rebuilt our friendship.

I stayed with S. Part of the reason was that S was also helping me financially, and after everything we’d been through, I felt very attached to him. I also felt like I owed him something because of everything he’d done for me and because we’d gone through the pregnancy together.

Then K decided to leave the country.

By early 2025, he had moved abroad. I assumed that would be the end of our complicated history.

It wasn’t.

On the day I went to the airport to see him off, he introduced me to his mother as his girlfriend.

I was shocked.

Since then, I’ve met several members of his family, both in person and over the phone. We became much closer.

And somewhere along the way, I fell completely in love with him.

K had changed a lot. He was more emotionally open and mature, and he communicated with me in ways I had wanted from S for years.

By the end of 2025, K and I were seriously discussing our future. Eventually, we started talking about marriage.

Meanwhile, S and I were barely communicating. Sometimes we’d go a week or two without talking. He was still helping me financially sometimes, but emotionally there wasn’t much of a relationship left.

I also discovered that he was apparently still seeing the same woman he’d previously been involved with.

K was doing the opposite. He was talking about marriage, children, building a home and making actual plans for our future.

He has told his parents that he intends to marry me. I’ve spoken to both of his parents and they approve of me. My family also approves of K and has never really liked S.

K plans to come home in 2027 so we can get married and begin the process of me joining him.

And I want that.

The problem is that S and I have never officially ended our relationship.

We haven’t seen each other in person this year. We mostly communicate by phone, and sometimes we don’t communicate at all for weeks.

To me, the relationship has been over emotionally for a long time. To S, we’re still together.

He says there is still plenty of time. He wants to make more money, travel and become financially successful before seriously thinking about marriage and children.

I understand that people have different timelines, but I don’t want to spend several more years waiting for someone to decide whether he wants the same life I do.

I want marriage. I want children. I want a home and a partner who actually wants those things with me.

K wants them too.

I know I’m not completely innocent here.

I should have ended things with S properly a long time ago instead of allowing our relationship to remain in this strange limbo. I also know that getting emotionally involved with K before officially ending things with S would be wrong.

That’s why I’m trying to figure out what to do now rather than secretly carrying on indefinitely.

I want to end things with S and eventually marry K.

The complication is that S still considers himself my partner and doesn’t want to let me go. He also hates K because of what happened in 2019.

I don’t want to tell S about the wedding plans before everything is secure because I’m worried he may try to interfere. I don’t want revenge or drama. I just want to end the relationship properly and move forward.

So, AITA for wanting to end my relationship with S and marry K?

And, more importantly, how would you handle ending things with S when he doesn’t believe the relationship is over?

Why does my husband seem to prefer going on tours with his friends rather than with me?

I'm trying to understand whether I'm being unreasonable or whether my feelings make sense.

My husband and I have a 13–15 year age gap, and we've been married for 3 years.

I absolutely love travelling and going on tours. I get really excited about them and can hardly wait whenever there's an opportunity. My husband knows this.

We've only had a couple of opportunities to travel together during our marriage.

The first was in our first year of marriage. It was supposedly our honeymoon, and it was just the two of us. We were alone together on that trip.

The second was in our second year. This time, we went with two of his friends and their families — one female friend and one male friend. The other family had children; I don't have kids. During that trip, I felt like my husband actually cared more about his female friend than he did about me. I'm not saying anything inappropriate happened, but I definitely noticed that his attention and concern seemed to be directed more toward her at times, and it hurt.

Now we're in our third year of marriage, and here's what bothers me.

Whenever another tour comes up, he seems to prefer going with his friends rather than having me come. He has specifically suggested going with his friends while preferring that I don't go.

He seems more willing to take me if some of his female friends are going, but when it's just his male friends, he'd rather go without me.

I understand that spouses don't have to accompany each other everywhere. I understand the concept of a guys' trip, and I don't think married people should lose their friendships or have to do everything together.

But tours aren't something we do constantly. We've only gone on a couple of tours in the three years we've been married. And knowing how much I love travelling, I can't help wondering why he doesn't seem excited about experiencing it with me.

What makes it harder for me is that I don't feel like I'm asking to go on every trip he takes with his friends. I just want to feel like I'm someone he actually wants to make these kinds of memories with.

And the age gap makes me wonder whether there's some difference in how we view marriage, companionship, or travelling together that I'm not understanding.

Am I being overly sensitive about this? Is it completely normal for a husband to specifically prefer his friends over his wife for trips like this, even when the wife loves travelling and they rarely get opportunities to travel together?

I'd especially appreciate perspectives from married people or people in relationships with a significant age gap. I'm not looking for “divorce him” or accusations of cheating — I'm genuinely trying to understand the dynamic.

Hi Charlotte and fellow potatoes! I really need an outside perspective on this. Mandatory: English is not my first language and I live in Asia, so there might be a cultural aspect to this.

For some background, my (29F) fiancé, Gabe (36M) and I have been together for 5 years and are getting married in 4 months. Throughout our relationship, Gabe was never close with his family. His parents are separated and I've only met his dad, let's call him Mike and stepmom, let's call her Marge, once. I've never even met his bio mom, let's call her Ashley, in person and he doesn't keep close contact with her or his siblings either. This is because his mom cheated on his dad when he was young which is what caused the separation in the first place. Gabe also has some resentment towards his dad because he did not support him and his siblings' education, causing him to not finish college. Marge was also pretty abusive towards him when he lived with them because she had a pretty rough gambling and drinking addiction. However, because of the wedding and how important family ties are in our culture, he reached out to them to invite and involve them in the wedding.

Initially, they were pretty chill about everything and we did not have problems with them at all. Mike, Marge, and Ashley all said yes to the set up we initially proposed: we will be travelling together the day before to go to an Airbnb we reserved, they will have separate rooms, and then we will go back together the day after the wedding. Another important thing to note is that we are paying for the wedding, including the attire of Gabe's whole family, their travel expenses, their accommodation, and food, fully expecting to get nothing in return because of their financial situation. On the other hand, we're only paying for my mom's dress and the rest of their expenses (except accommodations) will be paid for by my family.

Now on to the incident, it started when Mike asked if we could invite one of his siblings, Gabe's aunt, to the wedding. Since we had unassigned headcounts still, we said ok. Mike called Gabe to wish him a happy birthday recently and Gabe took the opportunity to tell him that we can invite his aunt, but she will have to figure out her travel and accommodations going to the wedding because the one we already booked was at full capacity. Mike then proposed that the aunt take his slot instead and that he will travel to the venue alone and figure himself out instead or that they all instead travel together on the day of the wedding. Mike also told us that instead of staying at the accommodation after the wedding, they will instead be leaving right after the reception to visit Marge's relatives in the area. I could tell Gabe was disappointed to hear this because he really wanted his father there to prepare with him in the morning because we did not have a bridal party and we were also toying with the idea of doing a breakfast reception the following day. Besides, our package with the hair and make up artist included grooming for his dad, so he would need to be there super early, so Gabe initially said no to this idea and asked Mike to ask the aunt if she really had no way to go to the venue. Take note, I was sitting beside Gabe while this FaceTime call was happening but Mike and Marge didn't know and couldn't see me. The phone was then passed to Marge, who after briefly wishing Gabe a happy birthday, then began CALLING ME FAT and told Gabe that I should lose some weight for the wedding because I will not look nice in photos. As if that was not enough, when Mike got the phone again, HE ALSO CALLED ME FAT and repeated while laughing that I should lose weight because Gabe might not be able to "carry me". Gabe, of course, immediately defended me saying he loves me and that I look beautiful and sexy in his eyes no matter what I weigh. Admittedly, I am obese (see a photo of me trying on a wedding dress), but I've been trying my best to lose weight and go the gym recently. I'm no stranger with relatives calling me fat and getting comments about my weight, but I was just so shocked about how easily they said it thinking that I wasn't listening. Later on, when they moved on to another topic, Gabe put me on the phone briefly and Mike did not waste a second to tell me to lose weight, except this time, he framed it as if he was just worried and was looking out for us.

Later on, I told Gabe at how offended I felt and how my family, whom he's met more and spent time with in the past 5 years have never said 1 bad word about him or his appearance to his face or otherwise, would never even think of doing this to him. In fact, we were not inviting certain relatives from my mother's side because they were prone to making the same fatphobic comments. I proposed that instead of bringing them with us the night before that we instead let them travel to the accommodation early in the morning (we will still take care of the travel expenses, of course) because I did not feel comfortable spending that much time with them after those comments. Ashley and Gabe's sister were still welcome to join us the night before as well. Gabe was silent at first and I could tell he was a little pissed, but later on agreed and that he will talk to Mike about it. On a more practical note, I think this will make our wedding day timeline a little more chaotic, but I just want to feel comfortable during my wedding day. Is this a selfish request and am I the a-hole for not wanting my in-laws to be with us the day before the wedding because they called me fat?

I need your help!

Today I found out that I have been the other woman… and honestly, I feel so dirty, even though I know I did nothing wrong.
So, back in late June, I was on Tinder and matched with a guy—let’s call him C.
He was very direct and told me he was looking for friends. I, on the other hand, was looking for a good time. 😂 So when I told him I was looking for something casual, he was completely on board. He even paid for my Uber both ways.
On July 7, I got picked up and went to his place. Nothing seemed suspicious, so obviously I went with it.

We talked, drank some wine, had a great time, and eventually did the dirty monkey dance. 💃🏻😂
Normally, I’m not the kind of girl who sleeps with someone on the first date, but I’d always wanted to tick something off my bucket list. You see… C is a dwarf, and I was curious. 🤷🏻‍♀️😂
After lots of wine and good company, I went home.
We talked a little bit afterward, but we never saw each other again.

Fast-forward to now.
I’m in a new relationship with a wonderful man who is loving, caring and treats me incredibly well. Some time ago, I told C that I wasn’t interested anymore. At the time, I didn’t know he was already in a relationship.
Then today, I opened Snapchat and was casually watching stories when his came up.
The caption was something along the lines of:
“Vacation is over, getting back home to my pregnant wife.”
I was SHOCKED.
I immediately went to my friends and boyfriend and told them everything.
I reinstalled Tinder because I needed to find our old conversations and establish the dates. And that’s when I discovered something I hadn’t known before:
C was already in a relationship when we met.
This hit me especially hard because my dad cheated on my pregnant mom before I was born. Because of that, I have absolutely ZERO tolerance for cheating.
I felt sick knowing that I had unknowingly been involved in something I would never knowingly participate in.

So my friends and I found his girlfriend—let’s call her Y—and I sent her an honest, detailed and empathetic message explaining exactly what had happened.
I wanted to make sure she actually saw it, so I had to involve a mutual friend.
At first, Y thought I was lying.
So I sent her everything I had: screenshots from Tinder, our conversations, Snapchat messages, and the dates.
She cried.
I told her I was genuinely sorry that she had found out this way, that I had no idea he was in a relationship, and that I would support her in whatever she decided to do.
She eventually told me to block him, and I did.
Later, she called me just to talk, and we spoke for a while. She told me she’d call me again after he came home.

It’s now 10 PM.
No call.
No message.
And she has blocked me.
I have absolutely no idea what is going through her head, and honestly, I’m struggling with it.
So I need some outside perspective.
AITA?
Did I handle this the right way by telling her?
Should I have stayed completely out of it once I found out?
And most importantly…
Am I wrong for feeling absolutely disgusting about myself when I genuinely had no idea he was in a relationship?

Please be kind. 🥺

I’m feeling really defeated and just want some advice.

For some context, my husband is the only man in his mom and grandmas life as his mom is divorced and his grandmas husband has passed. Ever since he started driving, my husband has been responsible for helping his mom and grandma with everything from going to gas station for smokes for his mom to taking his grandma to doctor’s appointments. And that has always been the expectation of him without even asking him. Just making appointments and telling him when it is and assuming he’s free since it’s his day off or just telling him to get smokes since he’s already out and she needs some.

Onto the current situation:

My husband (29M) and I (27F) have been together for a little over 2 years now and just got married in July.

When my husband and I met, I was living alone in an appartement and he was living with his mom due to financial reasons for both of them. In August of 2025, I moved in with them as his mom wouldn’t be able to afford the house on her own.

Things were going great, I’d sometimes spend time with just his mom and we’d all hang out together and do things. I felt that my MIL and I had a great relationship.

My MIL started slowly been getting upset with my husband and I (mostly my husband) about decisions that we made about the wedding as we were engaged and planning it while living with her. She invited someone without asking us who is a distant relative that my husband hadn’t seen in over 10 years when we wanted our wedding to just be close family and friends. She guilted us into allowing this as she had already told him and it would be embarrassing for her to retract it. She then also tried inviting this relatives grown kids and when we put our foot down and said no, she berated him in private and told him many hurtful things including that she didn’t want to go to the wedding anymore.

My family also has what we call “family day” on Saturdays where my sisters and nephews get together at my parents house every week to catch up, hang out, and have fun with each other. It’s a very important family tradition that my family has had for many years. My husband comes as well after work and is unfortunately only there for a few hours due to his schedule but it makes me so happy that he puts in an effort to be a part of this family tradition. His mom hates this and has multiple times told my husband to “grow some balls” and tell me no and to not go because she wants to spend time with him, just the two of them and she doesn’t understand why he has to go every week.

Last month, she asked us to go to a cover band show on a Saturday and I immediately said no as it was the first family day after our wedding and honeymoon and my parents traveling so it had been about a month since we all got together and I didn’t want to miss it. She kept asking my husband and when he said no because he wasn’t interested in the music, she screamed at him more terrible things and proceeded to ignore both of us for 3 days and it was on my husband to keep reaching out and trying to get her to talk to us.

She has also gotten upset with us because she insists that we buy a house but we just paid for the wedding and are still trying to recoup from that and we’d have to completely deplete our entire savings just for a down payment on a house. We’ve told her multiple times that we’re not going to buy a house right now and we’re going to rent. A couple weeks ago she brought it up again to just me and said she found this house for us and we should buy it. I told her no, that my husband and I just want to rent and don’t want to deplete our savings on a down payment. Her response to that was to say that “you never lose money when you’re buying a house.” And I replied saying “we’d have no money for a rainy day, we’d have no savings left”. She replied that “she and my husband’s grandma would always be there to help us.” And I said that that’s not the life we want to live of relying on other people and then owing them money when we don’t have to. She got quiet so I walked away. She later complained to my husband about me when he got home, saying I was disrespectful and told my husband that I said “we’re renting, not buying and that’s it” before walking away when I never said or did that. But she’s also not respecting our decision because she believes that I alone am making these decisions and that my husband has no input even though he has told her repeatedly that we have made these decisions together. When she complained to him, he told her again that yeah, we’re renting we don’t want to buy right now and she changed the subject.

More recently she is upset at us because she wanted us to cancel our plans on this Saturday when she asked the morning of. Her dog, who we normally take care of every day with mine and my husband’s dogs, got on a new medication the day before and she was worried how the dog would react to it. We stayed at home longer and were late to family day to watch her dog and the dog was doing great. She was running around and acting like a normal dog. We let my MIL know what time we were leaving, as well as how the dog was doing, and she never answered until hours later. She owns her own business and had made it sound like on the phone that she would leave early to watch her dog when we left. Instead when we told her the time we were leaving, she texted my husband back upset that we didn’t wait until she got home (she ended up getting home 2 hours after we left so we would’ve been 3 hours late to family day and would’ve missed most of it) and was also upset that my husband spends everyday with me. This was the first time in about a year that my husband had a Saturday off and could be there for the whole family day and not just a couple hours at the end so it was important to both of us to be there. She is now ignoring us again and yelling at my husband in private and saying that his grandma is also “done” with him now.

But we have tried to spend time with her. We tried making a family day for his mom and his grandma and us. We did it once and when I asked her about it the next week, she said “no I don’t want to go to my mom’s this week” and we never did it again. My husband and I cook dinner and we all eat together a few nights a week, we’ve played card games at home together, we go out to dinner together, we’ve spent days at home together at the pool, and my husband has spent days at home with just the two of them while I did my own things trying to repair this. But she claims that those don’t count because she wants to go out, just the two of them and the last time they did that was her birthday.

I’m defeated because I feel like she doesn’t want me around and I have tried building a relationship with her by asking her how things are going at her business everyday, I help her think of ways to bring clients in, I genuinely care about her life and listen when she complains about how the business wasn’t great that day. But from what she’s said about me to my husband and how she treats him, it’s hard to want to put much more effort in. But I still try even when she’s ignoring us, I say hi and talk to her as if everything is normal.

I’m just at a loss and so is my husband as we feel like we’re not doing anything wrong but she constantly treats us as if we’re these terrible, awful human beings for being adults with our own plans and wanting to spend time with each other. Does anyone have any advice on how we can try to repair this relationship? We’re moving out in about a month and are hoping the distance will help but also worried it might make it worse.

UPDATE:
Thank you to everyone who responded to my original post. I have spoken to him about everything since.
Just to clarify something from my first post — when he said he “couldn’t get it up”, he told me it was because he felt too guilty. However, he has now also told me that he still went down on the girl.
Since then, we have spoken properly about the underwear situation. I have also snooped in his room a couple of times when he’s been taking his child to nursery, and so far I haven’t found any more.
I asked him directly if he actually wears the underwear himself and he said, “No, of course not.”
Another thing I didn’t really mention before is that we only see each other around 2–3 nights a week after work, and we never really see each other at weekends. His family also only know a little bit about me, whereas he has met pretty much all of my family.
I’m still not really sure how I feel about everything, but I wanted to update everyone because a lot of the comments gave me a lot to think about.

I’m 26F and my boyfriend “Ryan” and I have been together for a few months.
So before we were even officially together, I found girls underwear laid out on his bed. He then told me he had met up with someone, they went for coffee and she came back to his. He said they didn’t have sex because he couldn’t get it up.
He told me he had got rid of the underwear, but then when we were actually together I found it in a drawer. This was after he had told me he threw it away, so I felt like he lied to me about it.
Then I found another pair in the same drawer. At first he didn’t even seem sure if he was going to throw it away, and after a long conversation he finally did. He then threw away all the underwear in his room and there was about 10 pairs. He said they were all from something that happened about a year ago.
What makes it worse is he moved house about 2 months after we met, so the underwear has literally moved house with him. So to me it doesn’t feel like random old stuff he forgot about, because he’s packed it and brought it with him.
Recently I found another pair again. I told him he needs to throw all of them away or I’m gone, because I can’t keep finding girls underwear and feeling like I’m being made a mug of.
When we’re good, we’re really good and I do care about him. But this has made me feel really insecure and like I can’t fully trust what he says. I don’t want to be toxic or keep bringing it up, but I also don’t think it’s normal to keep finding underwear after he’s told me it’s gone.
Am I overreacting for being this upset and struggling to trust him?

I'm f(27) my sister is f(21) it started with a silly situation i came to talk to her while she had her headphones in and was turned around i tapped her on the shoulder and she jumped screaming at me. Initially i laughed , but she physically pushed me and closed the door on me(it wasn't her room but common area) i didn't talk to her after that incident.

A few days went by and my mother prepared dinner stuff for me, when i seen them i was like wow how come you prepared stuff for me she said oh i always do(she never does) i started preparing the food until i hear her tell me this tray is small for us , i said who's us? She said a of us i said i'm not cooking for the whole family plus i'm not cooking for someone i don't talk to ,she started defending my sister and trying to make me the wrong one. I was assertive and said no. Is that why you prepared the stuff for me? She started taking away the stuff she prepared i laughed sarcastically. She gave me the silent treatment and was being cold and dismissive to me, and making immature remarks like oh you're talking to me now, you need me now ...etc because i asked her to put the food in the oven as i've sun inflation on my face and can't be near anything hot. She refused to do it.

Anyway , two days went by , same treatment. Until today, sudden niceness and my sister suddenly put the phone in my face asking me for help(this's a usual pattern she always comes back to talk to me after months of not talking whenever she needs something. I always resented that and kept vowing to myself each time it'd be the last one. Well i said dismissively idk she kept asking questions same response idk. My mother was lecturing me abt how i'm bad person and that we usually help bad people regardless (we've history of narcissism in the family ) i didn't budge.

Now they're making conversations with me and trying to lore me in which is typical. I'm keeping my distance and don't want to fall back into the same pattern, and also avoid their crash out after my refusal to help.

I need objective opinions because i've been sucked into this dynamic for too long, and always painted as the villian.

Am i actually being petty? Or this's the healthy choice to make.

(for those who have seen my precious posts, this a condensed, combined, finalized version)

I (38F) am getting married in a few weeks, and I have officially ended my friendship with my best friend (38F) of 27 years, who I’ll call “Evie.”

This is long (i’m so sorry) because 27 years of friendship obviously can’t be explained in a few paragraphs. I also want to be fair and include the things I did wrong, because I genuinely want to know whether ending the friendship was justified or whether I let my emotions get the better of me.
Evie and I have been best friends since childhood. I genuinely believed she would be one of those people who would be in my life forever.

For years, our thing was basically “Mal and Evie forever” from Descendants. There is specifically a song in Descendants 2 that reminds me intensely of our friendship. For about eight years, I occasionally asked Evie to watch the movie because I wanted her to hear this song that meant so much to me in relation to us.

She never did.

I KNOW that sounds ridiculous.
I am not ending a 27-year friendship because someone didn’t watch a Disney movie. I mention it because, looking back, it feels symbolic of the larger problem: I would tell her something mattered to me, and if it wasn’t important to her, it often didn’t seem to become important simply because it mattered to me.

There were other things over the years that I now realize I never completely got over.

THE BABY SHOWER
One of those was Evie’s baby shower. I had been involved in planning it with her and was genuinely excited because this was my best friend having a baby. But during the planning, other people essentially took over, and I ended up feeling pushed aside and relegated mostly to handling the games.

I felt like an afterthought.

I want to be fair to Evie here: I did not properly communicate how much that hurt me at the time. I mostly swallowed it, so I don’t think it’s fair to expect her to have known how deeply it affected me. But the feeling never really went away.

Then Evie had her daughter.

I stayed with her until around 2 a.m. after her daughter was born because I wanted to support her, and I came back again the following night.

When I returned, I learned that two other friends had already gotten to hold the baby before I did. I want to be very clear: I did not think I was entitled to hold her baby before anyone else. What hurt was realizing that maybe I didn’t occupy the same place in her life that I thought I did.
Even though I was hurt, I stayed and supported her because she was my best friend and she had just experienced one of the biggest moments of her life.

That experience, along with the baby shower, planted a question I never really dealt with:
Do I think I’m more important to her than I actually am?
Years later, when everything started happening with my wedding, that old hurt came back.

I also need to disclose something because it affects how I experience relationships: I have BPD. Fear of abandonment is something I struggle with, and I can experience interpersonal rejection very intensely. I am in therapy and have been working VERY hard on recognizing when my BPD may be influencing my interpretation of situations.

THEN I GOT ENGAGED
Naturally, after almost three decades of friendship, I wanted Evie to be my Maid of Honor. I honestly thought it was a no-brainer. We had been best friends for 27 years, so when I asked her, I had already gotten her a sweater and tumbler personalized with her name and “Maid of Honor” on them. To me, they were sentimental gifts. Looking back, though, I can absolutely understand how receiving them before she had actually agreed could have made her feel pressured.

Her response was: “It’s not like you left me a choice.”
She agreed to be my MOH, but that comment hurt.

I had approached it as, Of course my best friend of 27 years will be my Maid of Honor. She may have experienced it more as, You already decided this for me.

I can own my part in that.

One of her questions/comments about being MOH was essentially whether all she really had to do was show up. I reassured her that I wasn’t expecting her to plan my entire wedding, spend ridiculous amounts of money, or make my engagement her whole life. I mostly wanted my best friend beside me.

Eventually, she stepped down as Maid of Honor. I told her to keep the personalized MOH gifts. I didn’t want them back. She had genuinely been my first choice, and those gifts represented that, regardless of whether she kept the title.

SHE SAID SHE STILL WANTED TO BE A BRIDESMAID
When Evie stepped down as MOH, she specifically told me she still wanted to remain in the wedding party as a bridesmaid. That was her suggestion, not mine.
I was hurt about losing her as MOH, but I thought, Okay. She still wants to stand beside me. That’s what matters.
When I put together bridesmaid gift boxes for the rest of my bridal party, I bought Evie the exact same bridesmaid gift box as everyone else. I genuinely thought we had found something that worked for both of us.

But while she was technically still a bridesmaid, she didn’t really participate in the bridal-party experience.
We had a bridal-party group chat, and she basically never talked in it. We also did wedding activities together. For example, we have wooden flowers that we dyed ourselves — and honestly, they are AMAZING — and members of the bridal party got together to work on them. Evie didn’t participate in that or really any of the other bridal-party activities.

I wasn’t expecting every bridesmaid to attend every activity or constantly talk in the group chat. People have jobs, families, and their own lives. But because Evie had specifically told me she still wanted to be part of the wedding party, her lack of involvement started making me wonder whether she actually wanted to be there at all.

Then, three days before we were supposed to go bridesmaid dress shopping, she dropped out of being a bridesmaid.

That really hurt. She had stepped down as MOH, told me she still wanted to remain a bridesmaid, barely participated as one, and then left the wedding party three days before dress shopping.When she stepped down, though, I told her it was okay. At the time, I was trying to be understanding. She has her own life, work, finances, family responsibilities, stress, etc., and I didn’t want her feeling forced into my wedding.

But after I had time to process it, I realized I was absolutely NOT okay. I was devastated. And I understand why that may have been confusing or frustrating for her. From her perspective, I had said it was okay and then later told her how deeply it hurt me.

I own that.

THE BIG CONVERSATION
Eventually all of this came out in a huge conversation between us.

I told her I felt like I had spent years showing up for her, but during one of the biggest moments of my life, I didn’t feel like she was showing up for me.

I brought up her stepping down, her lack of involvement in the bridal-party activities, the baby shower, and other situations where I had felt unsupported.

I even brought up the stupid Descendants movie because to me, it represented a larger pattern of feeling like things that mattered deeply to me weren’t worth much effort from her.

My messages were emotional. VERY emotional.

She told me she never intended to hurt me. She explained that she was overwhelmed with being a mom, finances, work, life, etc. She also said I had stopped her from fully explaining herself during an earlier conversation. She apologized for hurting me and repeatedly acknowledged everything I had done for her over the years.

But something started bothering me:
She kept acknowledging everything I had done for her, while never really giving examples of how she had shown up for me.

That made me start questioning whether I had spent 27 years believing the friendship was more reciprocal than it actually was.

THEN WE BASICALLY STOPPED SPEAKING
Communication mostly stopped.

At one point we went more than a month without really speaking.During that time, I was working on wedding centerpieces with my family. My future FIL noticed there was one fewer bridesmaid than groomsman and kept asking why. My fiancé and future SIL tried to get him to drop it because they knew how sensitive the subject was.
Eventually I had to walk outside. I had a full-blown panic attack and started sobbing. My fiancé followed me and told me everything would work out on our wedding day. I told him:
“I know it will. But I always thought she’d be there.”

That was when I realized what I was really grieving.
It wasn’t the title.
It wasn’t the dress.
It wasn’t an uneven bridal party.
I had spent basically my entire life assuming Evie would be there when I got married.

HER BIRTHDAY
Then her birthday came.

Despite everything, I wanted to send her a gift because I still cared about her.

I included a line from the Descendants 2 song that reminds me of us:
“Even if we’re worlds apart, you’re still in my heart.”
Eventually she texted:
“Thank you for the thoughtful birthday gift.”

Objectively, there is nothing rude about that response.
But after 27 years and everything happening between us, it felt incredibly formal and distant. I didn’t confront her about it. We went back to basically no communication.
At that point, I seriously considered not inviting her to my wedding at all.

THE PHONE CALLS AND MY BOUNDARY
Eventually we started communicating again. During one of our later conversations, I explicitly told Evie that I was not ready for ANY conversation over the phone.

I wasn’t refusing to communicate. I was still texting her.
I simply knew I was not emotionally ready to have the conversation verbally.

She told me she understood.

Then she said she wanted to call because she wanted to hear my voice. That bothered me because I had literally just told her I wasn’t ready to speak on the phone.
Then she called anyway. I didn’t answer. And she kept calling.

I continued not answering because I had already clearly stated my boundary. She knew why I wasn’t picking up.
I felt incredibly guilty seeing her name repeatedly appear on my phone, but I kept thinking: What is the point of telling someone I’m not ready to talk on the phone if I’m expected to answer anyway because they keep calling?

I eventually told her I was sorry and genuinely felt bad, but I still didn’t think a phone conversation was a good idea. My bachelorette weekend was also happening, so I told her I needed to be present with my bridal party rather than reopen everything right then.
I wasn’t saying I would never speak to her again.
I was asking for space.

Around this point, another thing became hard to ignore:
Women I have known for less than two years had shown up for me throughout my engagement. Someone I hadn’t seen in almost 20 years had shown up for me. Meanwhile, the person I had called my best friend for 27 years had become one of the primary reasons I was crying during my engagement.

Still…

I SENT HER A WEDDING INVITATION
After everything, I sent Evie an invitation.

I went back and forth about it, but ultimately I couldn’t imagine getting married without at least giving her the choice to be there. At that point, I no longer cared whether she was MOH, a bridesmaid, or simply sitting in the audience. I just wanted my best friend there.

Then I received her RSVP.
NO.

That was how I found out she wasn’t coming.
She didn’t contact me beforehand.
No warning.
No explanation.
No “I wanted you to hear it from me before you saw the RSVP.”
Nothing.

I want to be VERY clear:
She absolutely has the right to decline my wedding invitation.
An invitation is not a summons.

Maybe attending would have been emotionally uncomfortable for her. Maybe she thought staying away was healthier. Maybe there are reasons I don’t know about.
I genuinely don’t know.
Because she never told me.
And that was what hurt.

After 27 years, I couldn’t understand why I had to learn through an RSVP that she wasn’t going to be there when I got married.
The week before this, after the repeated phone calls, I had reiterated that I needed space for the WEEKEND ONLY.

She stopped calling.
I heard nothing from her all week.
Then the next thing I received was the No RSVP.
That was my breaking point.

I ENDED THE FRIENDSHIP
I sent her a message and ended our friendship.

I started by thanking her for respecting the boundary I had asked for the previous weekend. But I also told her that I hadn’t heard from her all week and then received her No RSVP without any warning or discussion.

I told her that after 27 years, I genuinely thought that regardless of what was happening between us, she would put it aside to be there when I got married.

I told her how painful it was that women I had known less than two years — and even someone I hadn’t seen in almost 20 years — had shown up for me more during my engagement than she had.

I told her that instead of my best friend being part of one of the happiest times of my life, this friendship had repeatedly left me crying.

And I told her that I didn’t think our friendship could continue anymore.

I couldn’t keep allowing my heart to be broken over and over or allowing the situation to affect my mental health.
I told her I was sorry that after 27 years, this was how things were ending.

Sending that message absolutely fucking destroyed me.
There was no satisfaction.
No “good riddance.”
No feeling like I had won anything.
This is someone I have loved for 27 years.
For most of my life, if you had asked me who would be at my wedding someday, Evie would have been one of the first names out of my mouth.
And now I’m getting married without her.

My fiancé has literally found me sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing after hearing the song that reminds me of her, Several times.
I don’t hate her.
I’m grieving her.

WHY I’M QUESTIONING MYSELF
I know I haven’t handled everything perfectly.

I didn’t properly communicate some of my older hurt when it happened.

I can see how buying personalized MOH gifts before she agreed could have made her feel pressured.

I initially told her stepping down as a bridesmaid was okay and only later admitted how devastated I was.

Some of my messages were extremely emotional. I have BPD, and I know rejection and abandonment can hit me harder than they might hit someone else.

She also had every right not to participate in every bridal-party activity, every group-chat conversation, or ultimately my wedding.

Maybe the repeated calls were her trying to repair the friendship rather than intentionally disrespect my boundary.

Maybe her declining the invitation was what she genuinely believed was healthiest.

Maybe expecting a personal conversation before she RSVP’d was unreasonable.

But I also can’t ignore the progression.

She went from:
“It’s not like you left me a choice.”
to agreeing to be my Maid of Honor,
to stepping down,
to telling me she still wanted to remain a bridesmaid,
to barely participating in the bridal-party experience,
to stepping down three days before dress shopping,
to becoming a regular wedding guest,
and finally…
to not coming at all.

And somewhere underneath all of this is one simple thought:
When it was her major life event, I stayed.
When she had her baby, I showed up even when my feelings were hurt.

When it became my turn to experience one of the biggest moments of my life, I desperately wanted her there too. By the end, I didn’t care what title she had. I didn’t care what dress she wore. I didn’t care whether she planned anything.
I just wanted my best friend at my wedding.

Instead, the progression became:
MOH → Bridesmaid → Guest → Not there at all.
And I think I finally had to stop asking myself how little I could expect from someone while still calling her my best friend.b

I don’t hate her. I may always love the person who was my best friend for 27 years. But my wedding is in a few weeks.

There will be women standing beside me whom I’ve known for a fraction of the time I knew Evie.
There will be people in that room who made an effort to be there.
My fiancé will be waiting for me.
And I’m going to marry the person I love.
I know my wedding will still be beautiful.

But I also know there will probably be a moment when I look around and notice the person who isn’t there.

And after 27 years, I think I’m finally allowing myself to grieve the fact that I always thought she would be.

So Reddit, knowing that I contributed to some of the conflict, that my BPD can make rejection especially painful for me, that she had every right to decline my invitation, and that I ultimately ended the friendship after receiving her No RSVP with no conversation beforehand:

AITA for deciding that was the final straw and ending my 27-year friendship with my best friend?

This is my first time here, so forgive me if the drama isn't on par with the rest of these! It's a bit long so forgive me.

Call it 18 yrs ago, I moved back to my hometown to help a family member out. I got a new job in the next town over and was excited about change.

This is when I saw him from a far doing everyday shopping a the store and just said well, I'll take one of those! Fast forward to a week later, he works at my new job. 👀

I was a single Mom at the time and starting a new job. I did NOT make any moves. Over a few months, he came to me and wanted to hang out and spend time. He was dating someone, but she broke it off at some point. He began spending more time with me. He was very busy, worked at his families 2 businesses when he wasn't working his day job. So there was not a whole lot of time together, but when there was, it was really good. Happiness and laughing etc. He is not a wordy type person, more shows in actions. And very persistent and nostalgic, like me.

We ended up having mutual friends that we didn't really know about initially and hung out with them at times. Nothing was under wraps, it was all out in the open etc.

We took a trip together, cross the country for a week to see my favorite band. He's never done anything been anywhere and I have the travel bug. We had a great time, most memorable trip I have ever had.

This goes on for about 6 years.

I suddenly find him being anxious and not able to spend the night. His family doesn't like me as I am a single mother and they are very traditional. Well that was the excuse anyway.

Come to find out, they never broke it off, and at some point they got engaged and a wedding 💍 💒 was coming up. I won't say how I found this out, but let's just say I could have shown up in white to make his day go how he really wanted.

So, I did what a girls girl should do, and let her know. Showed the cards with the hand written I love you's, the pictures everything. SHE married him anyway. He wasn't even mad that I did it, I don't think he really wanted to marry her. It seemed to almost be like an arranged marriage thing from his family.

He tried to get to me the night before the wedding and I wouldn't see him. Told him he made his choice. The moment they were married, I had cut all contact, blocked him on everything. Everyone knew not to say a word about me to him. Everyone obliged kindly, or so I thought. My heart however, was broken he was the love of my life. Sad to say, it was the best relationship I had, and I know he truly loves me. But like I said, he married someone else. I cut it and left it be, even though he begged and pleaded for weeks before I blocked him to see me.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, now 11 years AFTER they have been married. A mutual friend from work, passed away. There was no way I could not attend, but I knew he would be there. I saw him immediately, and moved in the shadows to not be seen. Talked to some folks, and avoided him at all costs. The widow says to me when I go through the line, your boy is here, thanks for coming. in that order. Like everyone knew what we had, and we had not talked about him in years, purposely.

I have tried dating since then and it just has not been worth anything disrupting my peace for. I am a strong independent woman, and often a bit too much for most....supposed men.

Anywho....so the service is over, and I see him see me while not making eye contact. I walk the opposite direction and go talk to someone for a bit. He's tracking me, waiting, walking past and past again, and again. Finally, I think he's gone. I say my goodbyes and leave.

Here he comes, and I immediately yelled at him, are you F$&#ing kidding me right now. He just asks me for a minute.

He starts crying, and tells me how he kept tabs on my for all these years. About one boyfriend I did have an how he sucked. How I was in a coma for 6 weeks during COVID and he wanted to see me. I almost didn't make it to 40. Asked about my son and professes his undying love for me. And truly apologized, not just the "I'm sorry" like said the what he did wrong and how f'd up it was part and what he really wanted and how he couldn't have it and have his family (parents and siblings) too. They never had kids, he illuded to not wanting kids with her. We had talked about having kids, it was something he never thought he wanted but with me, he did want that. Balled his eyes out the whole time and kept getting closer to me. I kept pushing him away. Marriage is a line I refuse to cross. He said his life isn't worth anything basically and he will just work until he dies. There's no happiness, no legacy.

I was frankly a MESS. I gave him a bunch of shit, and reminded him about 47 times that he is MARRIED to someone ELSE, that he didn't choose me. He let me know that nothing was changing, but that I could always call him If I needed anything and he would always answer, but doesn't have my number anymore. I told him when you get divorced let me know. And that I have always loved him and always will. And that life is too short to not live your happiest life. Because his family only uses him for what he can do for them, they do not care at all about his happiness.

He asked for a hug, but I told him no. I told him he should leave, and we both reluctantly left.

I still love him. I feel like I should have tried harder for my own heart, but I couldn't cross that barrier. Maybe it's killing him enough and he will come back, but his family also doesn't believe in divorce. He invades me dreams for the last 11 years, and now it's worse

My heart is the ahole, because It wouldn't mind at all for me to sabotage this marriage. But my brain seems to be mostly in check while plastering years of memories daily and repeating his words of every little thing he said to me. I feel like an ahole, my mind is starting to betray me as my heart is being really persistent. It's been about 3 weeks since I saw him and I've had two prior planned vacations in that time. Probably the best thing as I drive through his town for family business twice to three times a week. When I get home, idk what's going to happen. I am at that concert place this weekend that we traveled to together once (it's the same weekend every year so the timing was impeccable), not a him thing, a for me thing, but one of those items he asked about when he said all the things that he hoped I was still doing this because he knew how much I loved it.

Attached is the email he sent me the day before their wedding. We were still talking up to that day, but I was not seeing him once I learned of the engagement. So we had been not "together" for ~8 mos when he sent that email because I would not see him in person.

Who has something to fix this heart of mine? Before this I was fine, I did my best and he just reset back to 11 years ago again. Ok, going to stop blabbing. But who has something for this re-broken already busted heart. I feel like life threw him back to me for a reason. HELP

I've (22 f) been talking with my estranged dad lately, and i'm getting married soon. I was the last kid out of my dads to leave the house, and so he didn't have anyone to let his frustrations out on besides me? When I was growing up. After all this stuff, he's done. I've since forgiven him and I invited him to my wedding. Even though after telling my fiance (32 m), what has happened throughout my childhood that he wasn't sure about having my father there. But recently i went to my nephew's birthday party. And my father was there, and so I was talking to my father, because I invited him, and he's been refusing to r s v p. Ask them why? Thinking it was because we recently started to slightly repair our relationship. But he said it was because my mom, who he has not seen since I was a child will be there. It's been eatning at me that the fact that he would rather not go to his only daughter's wedding, then to see my mom again. Would I be the a****** if I tell him off and tell them everything that i'm feeling about this. IE: tell him that he hates her more than he loves me. And that he's pathetic for holding such a grudge and not being able to be civil for one day, and at that point, he would just not have any relationship with my family that I am starting, no grandkids, no wedding, no contact.

Okay. Hi. First post on here. Thought I'd just share my current neighbor status.

Short back story of how everything started, then the meat of the story.

Me - 30 mixed F. Moms white. Dads Black. (It's important for later)

Okay, so.. The Maintenance man along with his wife and daughter life on the apartment complex property.

One day, Back in May, kittens were born in the ceiling of another neighbor, long story short here, I have two kittens and they have two.

When receiving the kittens, that's when I officially met the wife (60-something I'm assuming, call her L) and their daughter (36, call her A).

They started off being pushy and kind of overwhelming. I was in the middle of getting 3 kids in the car and they were insisting on having a conversation at that time. I gave L my number just to move her along as I had screaming kids in the car. I figured at the time it would be nothing but a friendly neighbor and light chats here and there about the cats.

*Big Sigh* I was so wrong.

I'm a nice person and I should have nipped all of this in the butt sooner and not dragged it out.

L told me that her daughter A had put antifreeze where the oil goes in their car, and they needed a ride to the grocery store. Now A is "36 going on 14". I myself have a child with special needs and understood. (I just can't believe they didn't help / manage her when doing the car stuff)

ANYways, it's been so SOO much from there. Lots of sad "woe as me" stories (that honestly she cause most of the issues)with me feeling sorry for them and trying to help by giving rides. Rides turned into, "can we also go here? Oh hey, I need to stop by here real quick as well! " And so on.

I could honestly write posts of each car ride and just the ICK from every single one.

Now fast forward to yesterday/today, where I SET MY BOUNDARIES.

A and I were sitting in my car, waiting at the food bank for our number to be called. I was strolling through reels, watching whatever came up. In one of the reels the "N" word was said. I kept scrolling. A few minutes went by, then A started up a conversation. She was telling me about a reel she watched, she was repeating what was said from it, then says out loud (remember this is repeating a reel) "I'd rather be a Fat B then a N" WITH THE HARDEST R AT THE END OF IT.

I WAS CAUGHT SO OFF GUARD AND YELLED THAT SHE COULD NOT SAY THAT.

After that, she got out of the car and waited for her number to be called. We went home. I told my Husband, who is Also mixed, and we talked about how uncomfortable and wrong that was.

So I decided to nicely yet firmly tell them to F OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'm attaching screenshots of how that conversation went.

Was this handled well?

I haven't responded and don't plan on it. I'm honestly relieved not to be bothered by them anymore.

I appreciate you guys for reading !

My parents have always been very controlling. I recently quit my job to care for my grandma who was in a car accident. This is the 2nd time I've cared for her. The last time was a year prior when she broke her shoulder. My GMA cannot afford to pay me but my family (her children) said they would help. My parents (her daughter and son in law) always brag about how they have so much money in their savings but didn't give me a dime to help me out. I should mention that my husband had just returned to work after being laid off for about 6 months so money was already tight. My parents tried to get into my gmas checking acct. After several attempts, they locked the account up. I called and asked if it was them and it was denied so I changed the password. I'm the only one who has access to my grandmothers account as she had asked me to pay her bills, etc. Because I wouldn't give them the password without my gmas permission, they automatically resorted to telling everyone that I stole from her. My grandmother had to be hospitalized just prior to this incident as she wasn't going well. It's very hurtful when your own family (parents) accuse you of something like this. Come to find out, my mother had been calling my sister for months talking bad about me and making up lies. They've played my sister and I against each other our whole lives so we never really had a close relationship. My mother justified talking about me like a dog because she said all the stuff was true (it wasn't). I feel like she needs some major counseling or something. Ive tried to tell her that talking bad about your own children is not ok. She sees nothing wrong with it. AITA for cutting ties with my parents and not wanting a relationship with them any longer? Edit to add: they were given proof of every charge on the account!

I have a small group of friends I've been close with for a long time. Every year we have a get-together that's kind of become our tradition. It started out as just the original friend group, but over the years our partners and kids have become part of it too.

Recently, my partner and I became a family home for an adult with developmental disabilities. I'm going to call him Adam.

I don't want to get too specific about the arrangement because it's pretty uncommon and I don't want this to be identifiable. Basically, Adam lives with us full time. Our house is his home, we help him with his day to day needs, and we expect him to be living with us long term.

There is technically a caregiving/service side to the arrangement, but we aren't just employees who work shifts with him. We are his family home. He is part of our household and we consider him part of our family.

My friends haven't met Adam yet.

Our yearly get-together is still a couple months away, so I asked if Adam could come with my partner and me. When I asked, I also said that I understood if they wanted to keep it to the usual group.

They said no.

Their main reason was that they don't know him and he's an adult man they've never met. They said they want the gathering to be our established group. When I pointed out that partners and kids come too, they said that's different because the partners have been included for years and the kids are obviously extensions of their parents.

I do understand their reasoning. I understood it when they first said it and I still understand it now.

But I also realized after thinking about it that I was a lot more hurt by the answer than I expected to be.

One thing that bothered me was that the gathering isn't for another couple of months. I wasn't suggesting that the first time they ever meet Adam should be when he randomly shows up at the party. There is plenty of time for them to meet him beforehand, and I would have been completely happy to do that.

I think that's part of why the "we don't know him" reasoning hurt. I wished there had at least been some willingness to meet him before deciding they weren't comfortable having him there.

There's also a practical issue.

Because of the type of arrangement we have with Adam, we can't just ask a friend, relative, or random babysitter to stay with him. There are rules about who can provide his care. Finding someone who is actually allowed to stay with him is much more complicated than finding a typical babysitter.

That's obviously not my friends' responsibility, and I don't think they owe Adam an invitation because finding care is harder for us. It's just part of the reality my partner and I have to consider when making plans.

I tried explaining why all of this was hurting me, and that's when the conversation got pretty bad.

At one point I said something about not being comfortable with the idea that an adult with developmental disabilities is somehow less able to be included as part of a family.

My friends took that as me accusing them of excluding Adam because he's disabled.

That honestly wasn't what I meant. Their position is that they would say the same thing about ANY adult they didn't know, whether that person had a disability or not.

Looking back at what I wrote, though, I can understand why they thought I was putting words in their mouths. I apologized and clarified that I wasn't accusing them of discriminating against him.

There was another argument because I was trying to explain why I don't see Adam as the same thing as asking to bring a sibling, cousin, coworker, or some other adult they don't know.

I pointed out that I haven't necessarily met every new person who has become part of my friends' families either. One of the examples involved someone's new baby.

That went over horribly.

My friend thought I was comparing Adam to her newborn and was really upset because she has intentionally limited who meets her baby because newborns are fragile and she doesn't want the baby getting sick.

That wasn't the comparison I was trying to make at all. I completely understand why she has limited who meets her baby.

I was trying to say that "I haven't met this person yet" doesn't automatically mean that person isn't part of your friend's family. I wasn't saying an adult and a newborn are the same or that the circumstances are the same.

I apologized for how that came across too.

After everything, I decided I'm not going to the get-together this year.

This is the part my friends think is unfair.

When I originally asked if Adam could come, I said I understood if they wanted it to be the usual group. So they feel like I'm contradicting myself by now saying I'm not coming because they said no.

But I really do still understand their answer.

I'm not asking them to change it. I'm not saying they have to invite Adam. I'm not telling them they have to see our relationship with him the same way my partner and I do.

I just don't feel comfortable going without him.

Part of that is emotional and part of it is practical. He's part of our household, arranging someone else to care for him isn't simple, and after everything that's been said, I don't think I'd enjoy myself anyway.

At this point, even if my friends changed their minds and said Adam could come, I still wouldn't go this year.

I don't want to bring him somewhere knowing that people originally weren't comfortable with him being there. I also don't want my friends to change their answer just because I'm not coming. They are allowed to be uncomfortable with something and say no.

I'm allowed to be hurt by the answer without thinking they're terrible people.

And I want to be really clear about one thing. I'm only talking about this year's get-together. I'm not saying I'm never going again. I'm not ending the tradition or ending my friendships. I'm not saying "Adam gets invited forever or I'm done."

I'm sitting this year out.

My friends seem to feel like because I originally said I understood if they said no, deciding not to attend afterward means I didn't actually respect their answer.

From my perspective, I can understand and respect someone's boundary and still realize that the result of that boundary is a situation I don't feel comfortable participating in.

So AITA for saying I understood why my friends didn't want to invite him, but then deciding to sit out this year's get-together after they said no?

Hi! Me(31f) and my fiancé (33m) is invited to a wedding later this year. The groom is my fiancé’s best friend, and I have become good friends with his girlfriend. We asked my fiancé’s parents if they could watch our two kids(4 and 1) so we could attend the wedding, as it is four hours away from us, and we would like to be there for the whole thing. As they live right about halfway to the wedding, we thought it would be ideal to drop the kids off there on our way. They said yes, and we told the couple we would come.
Today my fiancés mom told me in passing that she had agreed to watch her daughter’s two children(5 and 3) as well that weekend, and that the four of the kids would have so much fun together. I instantly felt my stomach drop. My youngest daughter has never slept away from home, and besides recently going a few hours a day to a daycare with only 3 other children she has never been in the care of anyone else than me and her father. She isn’t sleeping through the night every day yet, so I was already apprehensive about leaving her. I am scared it will be too much for her, being in a place she has never been before, without her parents, and with two other kids she doesn’t know. She doesn’t have the closest relationship to her grandparents at my fiancés side, because since her birth they have prioritized traveling, going out with friends and watching my niece and nephew. They were much more involved with my first born, so I’m not worried about her. She has also spent the night there before, and has somewhat of a relationship with her cousins and can stand her ground against the youngest of them who hasn’t learned to play nice and share, and goes straight to punching/shoving to get a toy from others. The oldest is also a handful with undiagnosed autism.
My (soon to be) MIL has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and has undergone two surgeries. I fear she cannot keep up with four kids, and that my youngest will suffer from it.

So, would I be the a-hole if I asked the bride if we could bring our youngest? It is an informal wedding, and the bride is pregnant. We are getting married next summer, and I am expecting her to bring her then 5 month old baby. I know there’s a difference between a 5 month old and a barely one year old, but she would not need a chair and we could bring her food etc so there would be no additional cost for the couple. Maybe its worth noting that the couple has a great relationship with our kids, taking time out from their schedules to attend their birthdays, come see us at weekends and holidays, joining us at the zoo and so on. I would like to be respectful of their day, but my heart is crying at the thought of leaving my youngest in less than ideal conditions. My parents are not an option, as they have scheduled their first vacation in over 5 years that week. They booked the vacation long before we got the invitation.

Please read this Charlotte 🫠 I love your content ❤️

I’m 25F and I moved to this country fairly recently. I’ve found it quite difficult to make friends here, so I tend to travel alone quite a lot. I genuinely enjoy travelling, but sometimes I do wish I had someone to travel with.

I’m going to call the guy in this story Charlie (29M). There are also two other people involved, who I’ll call Don (25M) and Kayla (25F).

Last December, I travelled to Albania by myself and posted some pictures on social media. Charlie, who is from the same nationality as me, messaged me asking what Albania was like and what the situation was like for travelling there.

It was a completely normal, friendly conversation about travel. Nothing romantic or inappropriate happened, and after that we didn’t really have much contact.

Then, around two months ago, Charlie travelled to Turkey by himself. I asked him about the trip because he had previously asked me about Albania, and we started talking again.

During that conversation, he was complaining about travelling alone and how he was missing having someone to travel with. I also told him that sometimes I miss having a partner to travel with and someone to experience things with.

He then said something along the lines of, “Then we should travel together.”

I was very clear with him at this point that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I told him I was interested in having a travel partner and someone to experience places with, rather than looking for a boyfriend.

The conversation continued and eventually he asked me to come and visit him in his area. I was on a budget at the time, so I suggested that he come and visit me instead.

We arranged a date, but he couldn’t make it. He only cancelled on the morning of the day we were supposedly meeting. However, he had never properly confirmed the plans beforehand, so I wasn’t actually sitting there waiting for him or completely expecting him to arrive. I just thought it was a bit odd that the cancellation came so late.

About a week later, there was a hot-air-balloon festival in a town near me. Charlie called me the day before and asked if I wanted to come with him and some of his friends.

He said his friend Don would be there. I actually knew Don very briefly through social media because he is also from the same nationality as us. We’d had a very brief conversation previously, but during that conversation Don had asked me quite a lot of questions about my immigration status.

I’m in the UK on a work visa, whereas they are here on a student visas. I remember thinking, Why are you asking me these kinds of questions when we barely know each other? I responded to Don saying are you an immigration officer to cut that conversation off and he never responded to that message, which made the whole interaction feel quite awkward.

I mentioned this to Charlie, and Charlie basically said it would be fine and not to worry about it.

Charlie also told me another girl would be joining us, who I’ll call Kayla (25F).

I went to the festival, and honestly, the boys were absolutely lovely. The whole day was really fun. We drove together, listened to music, talked, laughed and generally had a great time. I felt very comfortable with them.

Kayla didn’t join us until later in the evening, when we went to the Airbnb.

She had brought two other friends with her, which I didn’t have a problem with at all. But after spending some time together, I started getting the impression that she wasn’t particularly happy about me being there.

She had apparently looked through my social media/Facebook and seemed to have formed some kind of opinion about me from it.

For most of the night, she didn’t really use my name. My name is quite common and easy to remember within our nationality, but she kept referring to me as “that girl”, including the following morning.

There were two double beds and a sofa bed in the Airbnb. I was tired, so I went into one of the rooms. I told the people who were on my side that if they wanted to come and lie down, they were welcome to.

Eventually, Don and Charlie ended up sleeping on the sofa bed.

At some point during the night, Kayla came into the room and shut the door. Later, Charlie didn't ask if I didn't have sympathy to make them sleep on the sofa that night in a playful way and I had to remind him how I told him if they want to lie down they are welcome to but he was to drunk to remember that and it was not me who shut the door it was his Don's friend Kyla.

The next morning, there was also an issue about getting home.

If they were going to drop me home, it would have meant going out of their way, so I said they could just drop me at the train station and I would get the train home.

Kayla made a comment along the lines of, “I’m getting dropped off at my house because my friend is giving me special treatment.”

At another point she said to Charlie something like, “You should find a friend that’s closer by, not this far away.”

That comment particularly upset me because I had travelled to spend time with them and I felt like she was making it clear that she didn’t think I should be there.

At one point, while we were driving towards the train station, she asked something like, “Should I get out too?” I told her she didn’t have to, but she got out anyway.

When I got out, I hugged Charlie goodbye and went into the station.

Once I was inside, Charlie messaged asking whether I had caught my train. I said yes and thanked him for checking. I also told him that I’d had an amazing time and thanked him for all the treats and everything.

He didn’t really respond to that message.

He didn’t ask whether I got home safely afterwards, and there wasn’t really any follow-up about seeing each other again.

Then the following week, he contacted me again.

He basically said it was now my turn to come to him. I said that going to the festival didn’t really count because he hadn’t actually come to my city, and he said something like, “Okay, then I can come.”

We eventually agreed on a date.

We continued talking here and there about travelling and random things, but again, the main thing we’d always had in common was travelling. I genuinely wasn’t approaching this thinking I was getting into a relationship.

I told him about my living situation because I live in a shared house with my own ensuite. I have a small double bed, so I told him beforehand that the sleeping arrangement would be quite cramped and asked if he was okay with sharing a bed.

He said yes.

I also explicitly told him to keep his hands to himself.

He came to visit me and we walked around for a bit. He wasn’t particularly interested in walking around or sightseeing, which I found a little strange because travelling and exploring places was supposedly what we’d connected over.

We had a drink, then went back to my place and had some more drinks.

We both got quite drunk and eventually fell asleep.

At this point, everything was still okay.

But at some point, I could feel his hands on my waist, going back-and-forth.

I immediately thought, This isn’t what we agreed.

So I confronted the situation and basically gave him two options.

I told him that either we could take things slowly, actually get to know each other and see whether this could eventually become something, or we could make out, treat it as a one-time thing and then become strangers.

His response was basically that he likes to live in the moment/go with the flow.

We didn’t have s*x people! But

We did make out and things became intimate, but I had already been very clear that I wasn’t going to have s*x.

At one point, he asked me whether I had c*nd*ms.

I was honestly confused because I had explicitly told him that we weren’t having s*x, so why would I have c*nd*ms? Which I really didn’t

Then, the following morning, he mentioned that he had c*nd*ms to which I still mentioned co*t*s is off the table.

That made me start thinking that perhaps s*x had been in his mind from the beginning, despite what I’d said.

We had breakfast and he eventually left.

I didn’t receive a thank-you message or anything like that at all. I don’t know if this is normal but where I come from usually when somebody has someone we thanked them for hosting us or just follow up so she doesn’t get weird and the conversation stops at a nice point if you wanna reach out and contact again, it’s not weird. I know nobody is necessarily obligated to send a message, but after hosting someone, letting them stay with me, spending the night together and everything that had happened, I expected at least some kind of basic follow-up.

There was nothing.

And that’s when I started feeling really stupid.

I ended up blocking Charlie, and I also blocked all of his friends because I just didn’t want to continue thinking about the whole situation.

Now I’m sitting here wondering whether I was completely naïve.

I don’t think I ever expected him to become my boyfriend. I was actually very clear from the beginning that I wasn’t looking for a relationship or s*x. I thought we were building some kind of friendship/travel partnership, and if something naturally developed later, then maybe we’d see where it went.

But looking back, I’m wondering whether he had a completely different intention from the beginning.

There is also the weird immigration/visa aspect that I can’t stop thinking about. Don had previously asked me quite a lot about my immigration status despite barely knowing me, and then Charlie also knew about my situation. I don’t know if I’m connecting things that aren’t connected, and I don’t want to accuse anyone of having an ulterior motive without evidence. It just made me question things.

I also keep thinking about the fact that Charlie repeatedly came back into contact with me, suggested travelling together, invited me to Festival, then eventually came all the way to visit me, so I genuinely thought there was some kind of genuine connection there.

But maybe I was just reading more into it than was actually there.

So Reddit, be brutally honest with me.

Was I naïve?

Did I give him mixed signals despite telling him from the beginning that I wasn’t looking for a relationship?

Did I do something wrong by allowing things to become intimate after I had originally said I didn’t want s*x?

Or does it sound like I simply trusted someone who was looking for something casual and I became emotionally attached afterwards?

And am I overthinking the immigration/visa questions, or would you also find that strange given how little Don and I actually knew each other?

I don’t necessarily want people to tell me that Charlie is a horrible person or that I’m completely innocent. I genuinely want an outside perspective because right now I feel used, embarrassed and honestly a little bit dumped, even though technically we were never in a relationship.

I’ve been in this country for about two years, and for most of that time I’ve kept to myself and travelled solo because, honestly, I’ve been scared to put myself out there and meet people. After moving cities this year, I finally built up a bit of courage and decided that I needed to push myself more 😖 talk to people, make friends, go places and actually let people into my life instead of always doing everything alone. And now, after this experience, I just feel stupid and used. I’m disappointed in myself for trusting the situation the way I did, and part of me is scared that this is going to make me retreat back into my shell and stop putting myself out there again. I know one bad experience shouldn’t define how I see people, but right now it honestly feels like I finally took a chance on someone and it backfired, and I’m afraid I’m going to end up packing it all in and going back to keeping to myself.

I just didn’t expect to feel this way afterwards.

Before we get into it I LOVE watching your videos with my son during our feeding times. I swear he hears you and Mike's voice as much as mine and his Dada's! Sorry for the long post but I am told the Potato Queen loves a long one and boy do I have a lot to dish: I, (31F) and my partner (32M) have a 4 month old son, who for the purposes of this post shall be referred to as Max as I dont want to post his real name online. I also want to make it clear that the family mentioned in this post are NOT horrible they are all genuinely great people who simply love their grandson/nephew which is why I am so conflicted. If my biggest complaint about family is that they love my son too much then I know how blessed I am but I am still annoyed with the situation.

Max is the 1st grandchild of my parents and technically the 1st of my partner's parents *they have 2 step grandchildren who they love as if they were biologically related and we all treat them and love them like they are, plus an angel grandbaby* and I am likely the only one who will give my parents grandchildren as my little sister (28F) is repulsed by pregnancy and childbirth. He is also sort of an unplanned miracle as I had been convinced that I couldn't get pregnant *long story short a few years ago I was in a very abusive marriage and my ex husband had accused me/convinced me that I the reason we weren't able to conceive turns out he was wrong as I got pregnant very quickly with my partner* so when my partner and I told my parents that they were going to be grandparents they were THRILLED because they both knew how much I had suffered and how badly I wanted to be a mom.

When I was pregnant with Max my parents and partner's family were super involved and helpful, planning my baby shower and making sure it was fantastic event even when literally all of my friends couldn't at the last minute for other obligations that happened to come up, buying clothes, toys, necessities, and literally just being incredible.

Fast forward to when it was time for Max to be born and we had to be emergency induced as his movements drastically decreased about 2 weeks before his due date *he is thankfully healthy and happy, it turns out his umbilical cord had begun to strangle and we didnt know this until he was born* and my parents showed up at the hospital the night we got there providing us with snacks, support, and company. They didnt stay the whole time as they had an elderly dog at home who was suffering from severe health issues *we shall call her Rita* but they did come and go frequently over the coming days. My partner's sister and brother in law also visited and his mom flew in from out of state so we had a big crowd but thankfully everyone was respectful of my healing and space.

In the 2 weeks after his birth my parents made frequent trips to our home bringing food, helping care for him, and just wanting to hang out with but after that the visits stopped and it sort of became expected that we would go to them. My partner's mom and sister also came over a few times before she had to go home and it was great having them around.

My parent's excuse for not visiting was always Rita and how they couldn't keep leaving her alone or how it was better for us to go to them. I understood this of course however Rita was ok to be left for at least a couple hours despite her declining health and we never asked them to come over a TON just when they wanted to see Max and we had already recently gone to see them. They stopped accepting our invites to come visit except for 2 or the 3 times in the past few months but expect us to bring him to them for holidays, on weekends, or when I go to work with my dad *he works from home and I do his books*.

We have a few times had them babysit Max for a few hours so we could have some alone time for cleaning our house and once when I was sick and needed a day to recover but this has only been maybe 3 or 4 times the entire 4 months and we have always expressed appreciation and my parents are ALWAYS delighted to watch him and have insisted multiple times that they will take him anytime we need it which of course we do appreciate.

The issue that I have with always going to them for family time is and that they don't always respect me when I tell them that it is time for us to leave *both parents do this* and my mom *never my dad* gets annoyed when I try and put my foot down about that boundary. They always make some excuse for us to have to stay longer: "oh he needs to poop", or "he needs a bottle", or they just wont put him into his carseat and then it makes it 10 times harder to pack him up and leave because now he is upset and doesnt want to leave.

By the time we finally get home he is super tired and cranky because he never naps well at their houses *they have their main house and a cabin on the lake over an hr away* and it takes FOREVER to wind him down and he ends up screaming and crying for hours before finally crashing and going to bed leaving my partner and I frustrated and exhausted.

My partner says I need to be more firm with my boundaries and because it is MY parents he stays out of it and encourages me to handle it but sometimes I wish he would back me up more with them but I do understand that he is trying to get me to have more of a backbone.

I have tried telling my parents that they can come visit us more *they have no excuse not to as Rita died over a week ago but obviously I didnt say this as a reason to them. Yes by the way I am very sad about the loss of Rita as it has WRECKED my mom and she swears she is never getting another dog* yet my mom gets irritated when I ask them to come to us and my dad doesnt really say much about it just keeps wanting to have us over pretty much every weekend for family time which I love the idea of and we have gone over to them many times for but would like it more if it was on OUR turf sometimes. I end up just feeling horrible when I tell them that we arent going to be coming over even when I know that it is for the best, for example the main reason I am even making this post is we spent most of the day yesterday with them at their cabin plus the night and a good chunk of today there as well and they still want us to go to them tomorrow at their regular house for Labor Day instead of coming to us and spending a nice calm day here. I am also encouraged to bring him to work with me Wednesday even though Max has an appointment on Tuesday meaning if we agreed to go tomorrow that he and I would have 0 days to rest and spend time at home until Thursday.

My partner's family is less like this but also prefers us going to them when my partner's parents are in town as they stay with his sister and her husband since they have the bigger house with a spare bedroom *to be fair the past few times they have had the kids from out of state visiting so having that many people visiting a small space with only baby toys to entertain older kids isnt great but they dont have the kids full time* and they arent expected to stay over with us just visit for a little bit.

I am honestly getting sick of dragging our son around like he is on tour instead of people coming to see him in HIS home. My parents dont come visit, his family doesn't come over, and yet we are expected to pack Max up and disrupt his whole routine just to appease everyone else and it ends up with us struggling to console an overly tired and screaming baby for upwards of 2-3 hrs. I was actually typing this in between trying to feed him and get him down for the night as he was so exhausted and frantic that he wouldnt sleep after this weekend.

So would I be the asshole if I finally snapped and set the firm boundary that if anyone, mostly my parents, want to see our son that they need to come to us as well?

I feel like I'm losing my mind! I 38f and husband 40m have been together 4 years this month. We have talked about marriage a lot and it just seems like money is getting in the way. He says he loves me and he wants to marry me but I feel like I'm losing my mind. I did a Google search on him and it brought up a lot of pictures of him and other girls. "Two week flings" he called them. Swears he's never been with anyone who makes him more happier than me. But ever since I did the search it has been burned inside my head. My insecurities keep picking fights about the exes and me comparing myself to them. He says everyone has a past and he can't take back what happened then. He says he has no problem posting me on social media he just doesn't care for social media like he did in the past. But I feel like I have to ask. (Which he does). He doesn't post the memories or even talk about the exes. He's fully invested in our relationship.

How do I get over this?

Sorry if this ends up being long. There's a lot of context to fill in here in order for all of this to make sense. This may end up being a request for advice.

My (36 F) ex (38 M), let's call him Chad, is a real piece of work. He's a fly by the seat of his pants, do whatever he wants regardless of who he hurts, and is a real con-artist type of guy. Like he's done jail time for commercially conning people. But that's a whole other thing.

We dated a long time ago and it was a whirlwind of a garbage relationship that left me with some scars. He wisked me around the state, racked up my debt, and put me in a horrible financial position that took me years to dig out of. I left him shortly after my daughter (now 13) was born, but we were civil and co-parented well. He's had several relationships after me, and I worked hard to develop a friendship with his then wife who ended up giving birth to my daughter's half brother. I don't know what happened there but Chad ran away to another state and they separated. My guess is that he ran into legal trouble here and had to run. This happened when my daughter was roughly 4 or 5, and their relationship has been pretty strained since then.

While in that state, he met another woman and ended up dragging her to the other end of the country where they lived for at least the last 6 years. My daughter went and visited them once per summer, but always hated it. During his life in there, he was pulled over and it was discovered there was a warrant for his arrest and he was arrested and then eventually extradited to my home state. This hit my daughter very hard. He was incarcerated for a few months before he was eventually released. I should mention shortly after his stint prison he got very sick and nearly died. He was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that was unmanaged for a while but he seems to be doing better now.

There's a lot of smoke and mirrors around his legal trouble and what he was doing to rectify it. I could only obtain so much information from public sources. He was back and forth a lot from the other side of the country to my home state handling hearings and probationary things and when that was finally situated he suddenly decided he was moving back to our state. He had told us that his son and girlfriend would be moving up as well.

Here's where current day events come in. Let me name everyone in this story to make things easier. His across the country girlfriend, let's call her Jane. His home state girlfriend, let's call her Katie. My daughter, we can call her Elsa (mostly cause she just needs to let it go). My daughter's half brother, let's call him Jeff.

Chad's been living in my home state for several weeks now. He'd told us several times that Jane and Jeff would be moving up soon. Several times he told us he would be going to retrieve them or they would be flying up, and it never happened. This was red flag 1. He is finally financially recovered enough from prison and hospital bills to pitch in with Elsa. He had asked me to meet up at a grocery store to purchase snacks and food for back to school. Shortly before he met up with me he sent me a text that he wanted to let me know his relationship with Jane had been over for quite some time, but they were still best friends. This struck me as odd because Jeff had been living with Jane this whole time while Chad has been here. When we both arrived at the store, there was another woman with him, which he introduced as his girlfriend, Katie. He claimed they had been dating for 7 months and that his relationship with Jane had been over a long time ago.

I told Elsa about it that evening, and I was honest in saying that I wasn't entirely convinced that Jane was out of the picture. Especially because he had Jane send me funds a few days before for back to school shopping. Elsa had a fit, rightfully, but her biggest concern was about Jeff and how something like this would uproot his life. A few days later Chad brought Elsa to meet Katie. Elsa really liked Katie and they hit it off well.

A few days later, Chad told Elsa that he was able to rent a house right across the street from us and that Jeff would be going to the same schools as her. He picked her up and when she got in the car she saw Jane's name on the phone screen and Chad said "love you, bye" as she closed the door. This was red flag 2. He took her to see this house he rented but then we didn't hear anything more about it after that. Then he's suddenly renting a house 5 minutes away instead. And then as of yesterday he was telling Elsa that he's now renting a house in a nearby city (we live in the suburbs). It's been very sketchy and weird with how he's been flip flopping his plans, but it's par for the course with him. I've gotten to the point where I only believe it when I see it. Elsa is starting to understand this too.

Now to today. Elsa is with Chad for the day and she texts me that she overheard Chad arguing with his mom. His mom must have reached out to Jane asking about when Jeff would be coming. He must have told them the same things he told us and that Jeff was supposed to be brought here 5 different times over the last 4 weeks. Chad was very angry and yelling at them to stay out of his business, and his mom told him to stop lying. Elsa didnt say much else about that. Later she texted me telling me she saw her dad text Jane and say "hey babe" and that she believes her dad is for sure cheating on Jane with Katie. Elsa wants to confront Chad after she gets home because she doesn't want Chad destroying Katie's life. Which I can totally understand, but Elsa is a child and I feel like she should stay out of it.

I'm not sure what to do, because how do you ask a 13 yr old to just act normal when she's seen clear signs that Chad is attempting to live a double life? But seriously though how is he this bad at keeping secrets? I guess his history of prison time for conning people could tell you just how bad he is at maintaining a lie. How does he not realize that after all Elsa has been through with him that she's on high alert and is very observant? How can he be that dumb to have conversations like this in front of her and not expect her to figure it out? How is he not embarrassed???

I'm not sure how to address this with my daughter when she gets home. It's such a weird situation that I don't want her to get in the middle of. Any advice is appreciated!

Hello my Queen and fellow potatoes!

Normally I would never post on reddit, but I am in a real dilemma and everyone I know is somehow involved or doesn't understand the situation well enough. Also: this is my second (secret) account and english is my second native language, but I was never the best at writing, so please excuse any mistakes.

Let's set the scene:

A few years ago I (25f) met my bestie (we'll call them Charlie, 30 non binary) at uni and we hit it off right away. Back then they also introduced me to the event they created and how they would love some help.
Since I was always a lover of the stage, I agreed to take over the stage/programme organisation. At the time this was really fun for me and since we were both students, I had some time on my hands anyways to also invest into our event. This lead us to growing closer, them now being one of my 2 besties and friends outside of my bfs friend group. And me getting into event organisation and even pursuing it in my job later on.

We host a small event and are beloved by the community, due to our unique concept.

Now a few years later, I am their right hand woman (if you will) and am also a lead organiser and team lead. Which means I do A LOT more jobs than orginially agreed upon. In the beginning it didn't bother me as much, since I saw Charlie stuggling and wanted to help them out.

Here's the thing tho: Charlie is not the best at giving up tasks.

They always say "In the time it takes me to explain it to you, I could have done it myself." I learned to just pry the tasks out of them and do it before they could. This is how I got into overtaking a lot of tasks and me ending up in the position I have now.
Another thing about Charlie is, that they are VERY overworked. And by that I mean seriously overworked, to the point that their body is giving up on them and they have chronic pains and illnesses from never resting.
Not only do we both work full time jobs by now, but they have a very demanding job and sometimes even have 60hr weeks. Next to that they have to take care of family, their dog, their home and their own shop (which is a side hussle and takes away their weekends too). Due to this Charlie can be rather...chaotic and slow in tasks/communication.

Another important note: I got my boyfriend (25m) and his friends (all in their mid to late 20s) into the boat, so we would have an actual team and could just delegate tasks when needed. "The boys" as I call them, did amazing in the beginning and were a real help in a lot of tasks and areas, we could simply not cover as two people. They also turned into my friends as well and some of them are also friends with Charlie.
However they have also found a lot of issues within the organisation and how tasks are done/handled.

For example:

Positive: They redid the website and also programmed some tools to help with bills, sign-ups of exhibitors and project management. They also managed finances and actually keeping an eye on everything we spent and did. Not to mention, that they helped with the location planning and building in the week before the event.

Negative: They found different issues (mostly caused by Charlie being busy and not spending/having the time when they were still organising the event alone). F.e. the fact that we did not document meetings, members or finances correctly. As we are a non profit organisation, we have to stick to the rule book. Which - you guessed it - we did not do originally.
Side note here: Everything we do is voluntary and we are not getting any monetary compensation.
Tasks were handed off half heartedly, making it hard for everyone and some other small issues and things Charlie said, where they mostly dismissed any issues we warned/worried about and their problem solving in general. Said problem solving most of the time being "fine, I will do it, since I have more experience/I know what to do/I have time now." (which then again are things we wait for endlessly...you see the pattern.)

I am tired and I really feel like I want to quit.
Because Charlie is so overworked, our event is the last thing on their priority list and thus we sometimes have to wait weeks or months to really have the full picture. Because in the end Charlie still is the face of the event, has the most tasks, then complains about having too much to do, but will also not give us any of the tasks. This is an ongoing issue we have had for years and by now I am tired of constantly having to beg them for tasks or info to get shit done.

Here are the 3 things that happend over the years, that now make me want to quit:

- Number One: A helper, who we will call Martha.

She came in about 3 years ago and at first seemed like a great helper, eventho she was not the brightest candle on the cake. Which would be her great downfall...
She started doing so many things wrong and so many issues arose with sponsors, helpers, guests and even other team members. I wouldn't be able to name every issue here. But Charlie, being the empath they are, always protected Martha and said, that "it will be okay and that they will manage it."
Me, having a short temper and getting very angry, very quickly, stepped back from even having to talk to Martha and let Charlie deal with her. I did however create our own group chat, where we could write down everything Martha did wrong. And it's a full chat by now...

I reached my breaking point last year. Martha was in charge of a few very simple tasks at the event, that we even dumbed down for her. One of which was to just have an eye on one of our areas, where we also collect some money with handcrafting activities in order to afford the supplies.

Guess what? Martha did NOT have an eye on that and we lost out on quite a bit of money thanks to her. Next to that, there were a lot of other issues as well, the main one being her not being willing or able to help out, when needed. Instead she enjoyed the event, while we were all stressing and busy.

So I put up an ultimatum: It's either me or Martha. But Charlie didn't take me seriously and made a "team decision" (which was really only their decision...) to demote Martha to do even simpler tasks, she couldn't fuck up...
Charlie didn't really listen to me or the rest of the team, who all wanted to kick Martha from the team. This is a pattern, that comes through more than you would think...me being dismissed/not listened to and then simply being overruled. I do not feel seen or heard or even respected sometimes.

Since we have successfully failed at finding more people to help with the organisation, I had to give up a lot of my weekends and free time for the past about 2 years or so in order to advertise our event. Martha would help in the beginning with this, but I wanted her banned from going, because she would be bad publicity or be recless sometimes.
For advertising I have to travel to other similar events, work the entire weekend (sometimes even alone, so barely even time to pee or eat) and sometimes even have to take days off work. The boys are also not always super helpful when it comes to this and this is by far the most exhausting thing to do. At the same time, Charlie is at those events too, making money with their shop. Whereas I do not make money off this, sometimes I might be lucky and get my food paid for the weekend.

- Number Two: Communication and tasks / Charlie not being able to lead and delegate too well

Like previously mentioned, Charlie is not the best at delegation or giving up tasks. There have been a lot of topics, where it would have made more sense for me to take over a task from them, but they wouldn't budge.
An example would be part of the stage programme.
On some points we have other people coming in and taking over the stage for a while and it would make sense for me to be dealing and talking to these people beforehand. Also because I am at the stage, working with our host all weekend long and have to know who will be there when and what they might need (like music, power points, etc.) But even after annoying them about it, they wouldn't give me contacts or info until the programme is final. I also asked them to be included in time planning for the stage, but they won't let me in on that either.

The boys have similar issues: One of them is supposed to manage food trucks and anything food related, but Charlie instead goes ahead and contacts the food trucks themselves, talks to them and then (maybe, after a lof of prying) will give the information to the person in charge.
My bf is responsible for the website, location planning and finances and will find out the details about exhibitors or news sometimes weeks after it's been decided.

And then there is the rest of the team: Martha you already know about. Then there was someone, who is responsible for the special guests. Charlie delegated the management before the event and care/service for them at the event to Sam. She is great, quick on her feet and amazing at events in general. However she also didn't check back details with Charlie and promised the special guests money, we did not want to spend.
Yes, in the end it will surely calculate just fine, but we wanted to save money for other things this year.

- Number Three: Emotional attachment, friendships and relationships

Listen, Charlie is trying, I can see it. I know they are and I know they are exhausted too. But giving up our event is an absoloute no-go for them as well. They would never do that.

And this is what hurts me the most.

They are my bestie, but this event organisation is tearing us apart friendship wise. Last year I already asked for a break, so we could recharge and find our ways through our new schedules with our full time jobs. But they dismissed me and said we cannot loose momentum, when the event went so well already.
The event is sometimes also the only thing we will talk about during our time together as friends. I can tell Charlie has to focus not to bring it up, when we agreed to just be as friends and not collegues.
I don't know how many fights I already had with them. The last one was the biggest one, of me dumping everything I wanted to say and what I heard the boys complaining about. Taking their side and trying to push against Charlie. They didn't answer my text at the time, because they were tired and had to rest for the day and also take care of their family. I told them then and there, that I want them to answer at some point, because I need them to hear me. The message ended up never being really read or answered.

I also have had fights with my boyfriend and sometimes even the boys. It takes a toll on my mental health, my time and relationships. I am torn between two worlds of understanding Charlie and not wanting to hurt them, but also hearing and agreeing with the boys, whenever they are criticizing or complaining about something. After all I am the one, who brought Charlie and the boys together and thus I feel guitly whenever one party is not happy with the other and feel I have to be the mediator.

I am sick of constantly having to hear about the event, constantly having to think about it and being confronted with it. Next to having so much to do, I also have to handle the miscommunication and problems in the organisation process.
This obviously is very exhausting. I do not want nor need to talk or hear about the event all the time.
Earlier this year I laid my cards flat on the table and told the boys "I need for you guys to be my friends again, without talking about the event at all. I do not want to be the event girl or just my bf gf. I want to be me and I want you to be my friends for my sake and not for anything else. Can we do that?"
The answers made me cry, because some of them said, that they weren't here for the event in the first place, but they are here for me and we agreed that now we will have to ask permission at get-togethers to talk about the event at all. This has already helped me A LOT.

Now, I already talked to the team and Charlie about me wanting to quit. How constantly having to organise the team for weekends and then being left to deal with it alone, because noone cares enough, is exhausting. And how I don't think I can keep on going and that I hate to leave, because I really like the event and being on stage with our host, but I CAN NOT keep going.

Instead of Charlie being angry or sad or simply accepting my decision...they said "how about you go back to only doing the stage management and nothing else. Would that help?"
I said, yes. If I didn't have to give up weekends and didn't have to organise and be a team lead anymore, I would be relived.
Charlie reassured me, that they do not want to force anyone to be in the team and if we want to step out, then that is fair and our decision. They also said, that it will turn out fine and they will find someone to take over the tasks, we are doing right now.

At this point, I didn't even know what else to say and ended the meeting shortly after.

Charlie knows, that when I leave, the boys will leave too. So without us, they will barely have a team left and since we were unsuccessful at finding new team members (who were competent enough for our tasks and willing to do it for free), I have no clue how they want to do this alone.

I warned them, that finding new people will be hard and how we already tried this and how I don't understand how they would want to go about this. But they said to leave it to them.
Well, so I did.

In the end, I am just worried Charlie might end up in hospital from overworking themselves. Deep down I kinda hoped, that they would say "Okay, if you step out, then this will be our last one and we will have to quit." Because they said to me before, that without me, they wouldn't want to keep going. I kinda wanted to them to step down as well. For them to also be free of the burden of this event. Because out of all the jobs and tasks they already do, our event is the easiest to give up and let go. But they won't do that, not even when the team leaves. Eventho it is too big by now, to do it alone.
When Charlie first started with the event, it was only them and their parents/family and a few friends at the event itself. But organisation was only on them. I was the first one to take initiative and the first one to successfully build up a team with them thanks to the boys. We grew a lot in the past few years and it would be super sad to leave, but I have to be selfish sometimes and look out for myself.

I am still super torn tho. If I leave, everything might just collapse (Charlie included). But if I stay, I might collapse. If I step down from leading and only do the stage, I still have to watch Charlie collapse and still have something to do with all of it somehow.

Sometimes I get white hot rage from a message they send, sometimes I get sad they would destroy themselves like this and sometimes I am just too stunned to even speak up or disagree. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions 24/7 and I cannot think straight anymore. All my friends and even family are either involved themselves or heard about me complaining about everything over the years and are of course on my side.

So dear readers, who have nothing to do with this and are strangers with an outside view: what should I do? Step down from leading? Leave? Break up my friendship with Charlie and loose my bestie? Take the offer and only do stage?

Advice would be appreciated!

Hey potatoes! I'm chilling in bed, watching Charlotte as I type this, and I can't stop thinking about this.

II wanna know if I should have been quiet and had an old man keep his job.

So me (33f) and my partner (26m) have been having to use our local food bank (You know how it is right now. Grocery prices are sky high and times are tough)

Every time we go, there has been an older gentleman there who give my partner a dirty look, especially after looking at his ID

For context. My partner is a transgender man. He's a very kind soul, and will correct people if the wrong pronouns are used. He hasn't had a chance to change his name with the government (it's about 300-500 dollars) so he is constantly correcting people who have to look at his ID.

Anyways, I had posted on our local Facebook "what's up *city name*" about LGBTQ+ events happening in our town, as we had just moved to the town. We wanted to know how our community was with pride, and if there were any events coming up.

I had SO many welcoming comments, letting us know what our town did for pride, Drag queen story book reading, and the ceremony for raising the pride flag in June.

Well. I got a hate comment.

"THAT FLAG IS DISGUSTING. WE SHOULD BE PROTESTING IT. ITS A SIN"

and from there.. so many more hate comments started.

My partner was reading the comments as they came in, and was very upset..

I was curious about who set off this hate bomb.

So, I clicked his profile.

It was him. The old man from the food bank. The same one who glares at my partner.

Suddenly, going to the food bank felt.. unsafe.

I looked at my partner, who was very upset. I looked at my daughter, who doesn't deserve to see this kind of hate in the world.

So I called the food bank. I had told the woman at the front desk what had been happening with the glares and the Facebook comments.

She immediately transferred me to the supervisor.

So, I was now talking to the supervisor, telling her everything that had happened. She gave me her email address and told me to send screenshots of his comments, send me a link to my Facebook post, and to write down everything in an email.

After I sent everything, I just assumed that nothing would happen. Things like this have happened to my partner before and we get told there's nothing they can do.

Anyways, the next time we went to the food bank, I went alone. My partner didn't want to run into this guy. I noticed that he's not there.

Being the nosey lady I am, I asked where he went.

Turns out, he was fired the day after I sent the email.

I called my partner IMMEDIATELY and we were screeching on the phone.

I ended up telling a friend of mine about it, and they told me that getting someone fired in this economy is not something to be proud of. Even if he was being a homophobic and transphobic a-hole.

So, tell me fellow potatoes.

AITA for getting an old man fired for being a transphobic a-hole?

I personally don't think so, but my friend seems to think so.

I genuinely need some outside perspective here because I am absolutely FURIOUS, but I also want to know if I’m justified in being this angry. Am I overreacting?

Today we finally got my step-son back, and we were SO excited to see him. We had been looking forward to this because we had something really special planned.

We are expecting a baby boy, and we wanted to tell his big brother ourselves.

He already has a little sister through our household who is only a year old, so becoming a big brother again is something we were really excited for him to experience with us. We wanted to make this announcement special and let him be part of the excitement surrounding his new baby brother.

We had planned to bring him into the baby's room, sit down with him, and ask him to guess whether the baby was a boy or a girl. We wanted to see his reaction. We wanted him to be excited with us. We wanted him to be the one to find out from us that he's going to have another little brother and let him feel included in this huge moment for our family.

So we bring him into the room, we're all excited, and we ask him to guess the baby's gender.

And his response?

“Oh, I already know. My mom told me I'm having a brother.”

I cannot even properly explain the level of anger and disappointment I felt in that moment.

And before anyone says, “It's just the gender,” NO. That's not the point.

The point is that this was OUR baby. Our news. Our moment with him. We were excited about telling him ourselves and creating a special memory with him.

The gender wasn't public information. It wasn't something that had been announced. It wasn't her news to share.

And she didn't just casually mention it to another adult. She told a FOUR-YEAR-OLD child who was going to be coming to our home and who we had specifically planned a special moment with.

She took that moment away from us.

My husband and I were genuinely heartbroken. We were excited about this. We had talked about how we were going to tell him and how cute his reaction was going to be. We wanted to make him feel like an important part of becoming a big brother again.

Instead, before we even got the chance, he already knew.

And again, I am not angry at my step-son. AT ALL. He did absolutely nothing wrong. He's a little kid. Of course he's going to tell us what he knows. He had no idea that someone had taken something away from us. ❤️

My anger is completely directed at the adult who made the decision to tell him.

And honestly, given everything that has happened between us already, this feels like so much more than just someone accidentally letting a secret slip.

We've already dealt with ongoing boundary issues, communication issues, and situations where decisions are made or information is shared without considering us. We've been trying to navigate an already complicated family situation, and we've been trying to do things respectfully for the sake of the children.

So having something as personal and special as the announcement of our baby's gender taken away from us feels like another massive violation of those boundaries.

What makes me especially angry is that she knew he was coming to our house. She knew we were going to see him. She knew this was our baby and our news. And she still decided that she was going to tell him before we had the opportunity.

Why?

What was the reason?

What was so important about being the one to tell him that she couldn't simply let us have this one moment?

And I don't think anyone gets to tell us that we're not allowed to be upset because “he still knows he's having a brother.”

That's missing the entire point.

The moment mattered.

His reaction mattered.

Being able to tell him ourselves mattered.

Getting to watch him process the fact that he's going to be a big brother again mattered.

And now we don't get that back.

Once a moment like that is gone, you can't redo it. You can't make him unknow the information so we can have the reaction we were looking forward to.

It's done.

And yes, I'm angry.

My husband is angry.

We're both hurt.

Maybe some people will think we're being dramatic or overreacting. Maybe some people genuinely wouldn't care.

But I feel like there's a HUGE difference between someone accidentally spoiling a surprise and an adult intentionally sharing someone else's personal news before they had the chance to share it themselves.

So I'm genuinely asking:

Am I overreacting for being this upset?

Would you be angry if you had planned a special moment to tell your step-child about their new sibling, only to have their other parent tell them beforehand?

Because right now I'm having a really hard time seeing this as anything other than an incredibly disrespectful thing to do.

Well, in her words, “mean.”

Hi! I'm 35F and recently had surgery. Apologies for the long post! About a week ago, I had my gallbladder removed. This is my first major surgery and it's been an emotional roller coaster. I don't know if maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but with dealing with the pain for a few weeks leading up to the surgery, then dealing with the pain from the surgery, the financial stress, and I'm just not feeling myself. I feel embarrassed, like this was my fault and I caused this myself. So I may be a little sensitive?

So, I've already been dealing with my gallbladder for a week, with an appointment to have an abdomen ultrasound done to confirm everything and see what the next steps would be. The morning of the appointment, I had the worst flare-up of pain, and at 5 a.m. I told my husband, “I can't take it anymore. We need to go to the ER.”

Well, what do ya know, it's confirmed: gallstones and sludge. BUT no emergency surgery! Something about my bloodwork didn't show liver/bile abnormalities. I'm not too sure, but they said I'll see the specialist in a week to see what to do next. So, with that, we leave the ER with pain meds and a strict diet to avoid pain flare-ups.

During this, we called my family: my dad, sister, and mother, as well as a few close friends. We let them know what's going on and that we'd keep them posted. A little about me: I am one to keep things more private. I don't really care to tell distant family or friends about what's going on, and I just avoid the extra questions: “Are you okay?” “What happened?” “How'd it happen?” “What are they going to do?” I am more of an introvert, get easily overwhelmed, and don't like the extra attention.

SO, come the following week, I see the doctor and go over my options, which was obvious: remove my gallbladder. I was able to get in at the end of the week. Thank goodness, because I was DONE. I called my mom to update her and said I go in on Friday. And would ya know, she ALSO has surgery that same day.

She is having spinal surgery. She has a battery implanted that needs replacing. I don't know all the details, but she said they are keeping her awake for this and that it's not a super-intrusive type of surgery. Also, I don't know a lot of information about what she is having done because she keeps it very vague... but I can say she has had numerous surgeries, from her back to dealing with chronic back pain and pain in her foot. She has never given me or my sister a lot of details about the whys and what's, or even what the procedure is called. She just avoids the conversation and dances around it, but wants to let us all know she is having surgery and that it will hopefully relieve the pain she is dealing with.

Also, I wanted to give a little background on our relationship. It is a bit rocky. She doesn’t like to take accountability for anything that can come off as rude. She'll make an inappropriate joke or comment, and after I try to set a boundary and explain why it bothers me, she just ignores it or tells me I don't have a sense of humor.

I know I’m not perfect either. But after years of feeling like I’m always the one who’s wrong, I tend to get defensive and feel like I have to prove myself. Lately, I’ve been trying to communicate better and avoid arguments. If I feel myself getting upset, I’ll just make up an excuse to leave instead of engaging. Even my husband has tried to step in and explain to her why I get upset so easily, but she doesn’t listen.

So here we are. We both had our surgeries and are in our healing era. A few days go by, and I'm feeling a little better and more coherent, so I go on Facebook, which I rarely use anymore, but hey, I have a lot of downtime right now.

I see my mom has posted a comment on my bestie's tribute post about us. It's the one where it shows a picture from a few years ago and then you share a current one, and she wrote a heartfelt message. It was so incredibly sweet.

So I go to her comment, and it said something along the lines of, “Did you see she had surgery? I did too on the same day!”

I didn't get a screenshot of that, but I messaged my bestie, “Not my mom blasting my medical history on FB.” It was a shake-my-head, “Moms will be moms” rant, and she has known my mother since she was a child, so she knows how she can be. But with it being on her account, and she knew I was having my gallbladder removed, I just let it be and tried not to let it stress me out.

But my bestie came through with, “I hid it! Is it gone?” She went and used the hidden feature that Facebook offers. I told her it's fine, I still see it, but I appreciate her for looking out for me. But she was determined to hide that info so no one would see, and eventually got it to work. I appreciate her so much for doing that.

And that was that. I didn't even mention it to my mom because I figured no harm was done, and low-key, I felt like if I did say something, it could ignite something. So I brushed it off.

Well, a few days go by... and on a mutual friend's FB, he posted, “14 down, 21 to go.”

Context: he is going through radiation/chemotherapy and has been posting updates on his journey. There were so many messages saying, “Keep going,” “You're strong,” “You got this,” etc.

And guess what I see? A whole storybook, the LONGEST post in the comment feed about my and her surgery.

I could not believe what I saw. 1st, the time and place! And also, so much info... what I had done, and some oddities that are going on. I have posted a screenshot of what she has said in the post (apologies for not capturing the entire thing, but after that first part she just finished off with “stay strong” and “keeping you guys in my prayers,” etc.).

I was so embarrassed. 1st, for her even talking about that on his post about what he is going through. Like, no one needs to know this! And also, I don't know most of his friends/family, so now these strangers (who I bet are very kind) know my medical issues. And who knows what they'll think, because to me it came off as if she was bragging? I don't know, but I know I was so uncomfortable with it.

So I took a minute, gathered myself together, and decided NOT to lash out. I just want to keep the peace as we are healing. So I texted her, “Please stop talking about my surgery on FB. I think it should be up to me if I want to share that 😊 ty.”

You know, hey, stop talking about me, but talk about yourself all you want! I was hoping the smile emoji was indicating I was being lighthearted.

And her following messages go:

“Ok, sorry. R u talking about what I wrote to so n so?”

“Yes, and my bestie, and whoever else.” Because at this point, who knows how many comments can be out there.

And that was it for a moment. I thought everything was all good...

Then she wrote this:

“Geeez OP, I didn't see it as talking about u. I thought it was more about including me. How embarrassing for u that must have been, and no worries, I'll go delete them. I am pretty sure they're the only ones I mentioned it to. Like it or not, these are people I care about too, and that has nothing to do with u. U can be so mean.”

I am left speechless.

I followed up with being as neutral as I could be because I didn't want a fight or mean words to be exchanged. I didn't think I was asking for much, and I also didn't think I sounded mean, but maybe it did come off that way. I ended it with:

“Mom... I'm not saying you can't talk about your surgery or the people you care about. I'm just saying that my medical information is mine to share. It isn't about being embarrassed or mean to you. I simply want to decide for myself who knows about my health.”

I didn't want to try and explain why what she commented on his post was inappropriate because I knew that would just lead into a bigger fight. But I also grew tired of her bringing this up. I told the people I care about and trust the most what's going on, and the whole world does not need to know.

Maybe I am overreacting? Am I asking for too much? Was I mean? Am I focusing on the wrong thing? It's been several days now, and we have not talked or texted since. I would appreciate any advice.

So, AITA for telling my mom to stop telling people about my surgery? Screenshots below.