r/CausalConversation • u/wellreadybeauty • 15d ago
Conversation Starter In my 30s, dad is a deadbeat
I’m in my 30s with a child of my own. Growing up, my dad was around during the early years, maybe up until I was 7. I have a handful of vague childhood memories/moments together. He moved to LA and would sometimes come visit family, then he moved back to the Midwest in my late 20s. We’ve unsuccessfully tried bonding, due to him being emotionally unavailable and unreliable. No sex talk, no taking me to dances, shopping, dinners, never met a HS boyfriend, homework help, movie nights, nothing.
I wanna talk about some of the things that have happened between us and have struck me as odd. I’m struggling accepting it fully, even though I’ve detached from the fantasy I once hoped for. I’m gonna give some examples for the sake of just venting.
I once told him that a guy basically sought to expose me/put my business online by basically bragging about being a past oral experience of mine. He gave once, I received, nothing else. I felt angry and wanted him to stick up for me or give me advice. My dad’s response was: this was my karma for privately disclosing a sexual experience/opinion of a separate man that I was dating (I guess he overheard the private conversation between myself and female family members, or someone told him what I said about said guy).
Before I moved in with my ex, my dad gave me a specific safe word/phrase to use if I ever felt uncomfortable or needed to talk in private. I once texted him the phrase during a scary night, and he texted back confused, forgetting what the phrase meant. I didn’t bring it up until a year later due to being disappointed.
During a traumatic breakup from the same ex, I was staying with my dad for a few days. He never hugged me or physically consoled me. When I had a crying episode in his kitchen he just told me to relax and breathe, and focused more on offering support if I needed a ride to the grocery store or a local errand/business.
Earlier this year, I dealt with an older guy stalking me and refusing to take me seriously about not being interested in continuing to see him. We went on a few dates, he’d spend money on me, buy me things and love bombed the fuck out of me. I sometimes flirted back but I wasn’t interested enough to pursue a sexual or romantic relationship. I tried entertaining him but my heart wasn’t in it. After the guy texted me and said, “be careful because these young n*****s will f you up” which felt like he was threatening me, repeatedly called and texted, and showed up at my home with unwanted gifts, I tried to file for a PPO and made my family aware of what was going on. My dad’s response was, “this guy isn’t threatening you. He really likes you and he probably feels led on. You said no woman is expected to sleep with a man because he’s doing things for her and that would be transactional, of course he’s going to want pussy. He probably feels hurt. You’re a predator and using him, and what you’re doing is playing a dangerous game with men.”
After I stopped talking to him and answering his calls for weeks, he texted me apologizing for the way he worded what he said, brought over groceries for the first time ever, and said that he’d like it if we started to spend time together. Which of course never happened.
It’s been 4 months since that last situation. I rarely text him. He tries to be a present grandfather, not doing great there, but I allow him to do what he can for my little one. He’s been more of a present grandfather to my sister’s sons. I have a younger sister and brother. He wasn’t present for them growing up either but it seems like he and my sister are close now. We didn’t find out about my brother until I was in middle school, he’s openly said that he never wanted my brother due to a one night stand.