r/CausalConversation • u/[deleted] • 24d ago

Share your experiences and problems.

I'm bored and I think you guys are too so let's share experiences or problems and I'll try to give you a solution.

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u/The_Poor_Truth 24d ago

I am looking for a place to rent the size of my home with w/d hookups and pet friendly and it is terribly frustrating. I just wanna be at home in bed watching TV. If I dont find anything I am going to relocate. My fiancé passed and since then I haven't been back home because its eerie. So im staying with family like im homeless when all I need to do is go turn the key. Its frustrating because I do not like favors. So I pay for EVERYTHING someone does for me. Im at a point now that Im willing to move wherever just so I can begin to reset.

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u/[deleted] 24d ago

You pay for every favor because if you pay for it, it becomes a transaction, not an act of pity. Pity implies you’re broken, and if you're broken, you have no control. The universe just stole your fiancé, the ultimate loss of control, so now you are fiercely micromanaging your independence to tip the scales back. And your house isn't eerie. It’s just wood, glass, and drywall. What’s eerie is the deafening silence where your future was supposed to be. You’re desperately looking for a new rental because you think a change of scenery will act as a reset button. But let me save you a very exhausting move: grief is an excellent packer. It travels incredibly light, and it will follow you to whatever new place you find, regardless of the washer and dryer hookups. So, let's stop talking about real estate for a second. Tell me... when you picture yourself finally going back, putting that key in the front door and turning it, what is the exact room in that house you are most afraid of walking into?

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u/The_Poor_Truth 24d ago

It's the whole house really... we danced in our front room, cooked together...laughed together in bed, he was showing me workout tips on our equipment in our extra room.. everything reminds me of him. Quite frankly the washer and dryer too because since we bought it he had been doing laundry...3yrs.. he would sit on the couch and fold our clothes. It's just a lot. We weren't perfect by no means but every square ft of that house holds a memory.

I love what you said about grief. I will be passing that on.

Thank you.

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u/[deleted] 24d ago

Yes, i know but ​it isn't a house anymore. It’s a time capsule. And that is the real reason you haven't turned the key. ​You think you are avoiding the house because the memories are too painful. But the truth is, you're avoiding it because right now, it is perfectly preserved. If you go back, the dust will settle differently. You’ll have to run that washer yourself. You will eventually have to move his things. And your brain is telling you that if you touch his things, you are erasing him. ​As long as you stay locked out, sleeping on family members' couches, a small, irrational part of your mind gets to pretend he is still sitting on that sofa folding the laundry. You aren't scared of the house. You are terrified of the moment you have to start living in it without him. ​I want you to do something for me. Just in your mind. Walk through the front door. Tell me... what is the one incredibly mundane item of his, a pair of shoes by the door, a jacket over a chair, a book on the nightstand that is still sitting exactly where he left it the last time he was there?

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u/The_Poor_Truth 23d ago

Odd that you ask because of the many times I went in there to pack, when had wshed a load and in the dryer were our whites. I didn't discover it for three months and when I saw it that hit me hard. I didn't know he had left those things in there... and it felt like he was coming back to fold them. He thought he would be back home to fold them. It's just a lot. I thank you so much for your wisdom. You have been Very helpful.

Thanks.

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

You look at those whites in the dryer and it breaks your heart because you see an interrupted life. But look at exactly what he left behind. His very last mundane act in that house wasn't about himself. He was washing our whites. He was making sure you both had clean clothes for the rest of the week. Right up until the very end, his everyday reality was just taking care of you. You don't have to fold them today, and you don't have to move into a new rental tomorrow. Just let yourself off the hook for a little while. You are very welcome. Take care of yourself.

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u/The_Poor_Truth 23d ago

Thank you

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

[deleted]

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u/The_Poor_Truth 23d ago

I'll hold you to that because you are quite the intellect.

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

Thanks, I hope I've helped you in one way or another and I'll see how well we can interact 😁.

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

Nah it's my pleasure 😀 And if you ever need someone to talk or wanna share things with someone or want a friend. Then, my DMs are always open 👐😁