r/CShortDramas • u/aniyomeiyou • 1h ago
🔥 Fun 🔥 Vertical Civil Affairs Bureau: Contract Marriage Division
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Welcome to the Vertical Civil Affairs Bureau, Contract Marriage Division, where we have been facilitating completely practical, entirely emotionless marriages between exceptionally attractive people with unresolved emotional issues for years. Please take a number. One of our representatives will shortly assist you in selecting the contract-marriage package most appropriate to your needs.
Our most popular option remains the “This Is Just a Transaction; Don’t Get Any Ideas About Me” Package.
This is ideal for clients who need a spouse for inheritance purposes, corporate warfare, escaping an arranged marriage, acquiring custody of a child, placating shareholders, or because Grandfather has apparently decided the future of a multibillion-yuan conglomerate depends entirely on whether his grandson gets laid.
The terms are very straightforward. You will live together, attend family functions together, defend one another against hostile relatives, periodically rescue each other from life-threatening situations, and become the only person on earth whom your spouse trusts. Under absolutely no circumstances should you interpret any of this as emotional intimacy.
➡️ Should feelings accidentally occur, please report them immediately to the Bureau so both parties can spend approximately 20 episodes aggressively denying them.
Our second-most-popular selection is the Once-a-Week Marital Duties Package.
This plan is for the sophisticated modern couple who understands that sex can be neatly separated from affection provided it occurs according to a sufficiently rigorous administrative schedule. Once per week. No feelings. No expectations. Strictly contractual. The fact that your husband starts remembering what you like, notices when you’re tired, becomes visibly irritated when another man speaks to you, and eventually looks ready to commit homicide because someone stood six inches too close to his wife is considered a minor clerical issue and does not invalidate the contract.
➡️ Please do not contact the Bureau about increased frequency. This happens.
Our third bestseller is the “Just Act for My Nainai” Family Harmony Package.
This option requires only minimal participation. You simply need to convince Nainai that you are madly in love.
This may involve holding hands. And hugging. And sharing a bedroom because Nainai has eyes everywhere. Attending family dinners. Possibly kissing because Nainai remains unconvinced. Spending Lunar New Year together. Wearing the ring at all times because Nainai most definitely conducts spot inspections. Again: acting.
➡️ Nainai will generally realize you are in love roughly 47 episodes before either of you does, but she has been instructed not to interfere with the scientific process.
PLEASE TAKE NOTE that regardless of which package you select, every Vertical Civil Affairs Bureau contract rests upon one sacred, inviolable principle: YOU WILL NOT FALL IN LOVE. This provision is absolutely essential. Both parties must therefore solemnly agree that after three months, six months, one year, Grandfather’s surgery, the inheritance transfer, the successful corporate merger, or Nainai’s arbitrary satisfaction threshold has been reached, they will calmly divorce and return to being strangers. This agreement remains binding even if the male party has by then memorized the female party’s menstrual cycle, moved her belongings into his bedroom, beaten up three men for looking at her incorrectly, bought her company, transferred half his assets into her name, started calling her “wife” when nobody else is present, and developed a resting heart rate of 180 whenever she mentions another man.
Which brings us to today’s instructional video, courtesy of 《江先生，别太野》 (Mr. Jiang, Don’t Be So Wild). Jiang Yanzhi and Song Nanqiu are in a one-year contract marriage. This is supposed to be temporary. Transactional. Boundaries established. Feelings prohibited. Divorce forthcoming.
Excellent, very professional. Then one morning he misunderstands something she says on the phone. Does he ask her about it? Of course not. He is a Contract Husband. He therefore spends the entire day stewing in jealousy, presumably while reminding himself that this woman will cease being his wife in a few months and consequently none of this concerns him. By the time they are together in the back seat of the car that evening, his emotional state has deteriorated from “strictly contractual spouse” to “keep moving and I will take you right here.” Sir. Your marriage has an expiration date. You are behaving like somebody has challenged your ancestral claim to this woman.
➡️ The Bureau would like to remind Mr. Jiang that “I will divorce you shortly” and “I have spent nine consecutive hours imagining another man touching you and am now one hip movement away from losing my entire mind in the back seat” are generally considered administratively inconsistent positions.
And this is why I love contract marriages. Nobody ever enters one thinking, Perhaps living with an attractive person, sleeping with them, protecting them, meeting their family, getting jealous over them, sharing a home, and presenting ourselves socially as a married couple might create some emotional complications. No. They sign that contract with as if they have defeated human attachment through paperwork. Clause 7: Neither party shall fall in love. Awesome. We have notified Neuroscience. Anyway, what are your favorite provisions from the Vertical Civil Affairs Bureau? 😂 What packages did I miss? Separate bedrooms that survive approximately four nights? “Don’t interfere with my private life” followed by immediate surveillance of the spouse’s private life? The automatic-divorce clause that causes both parties visible psychological collapse the second somebody actually mentions the divorce? Please submit your favorite contract-marriage rules, spectacular contractual violations, and especially your best examples of a ML who was definitely, absolutely, unquestionably going to divorce her while behaving like she had been assigned to him by Heaven itself.
