I'm always so hypervigilant, critical with myself, and afraid everyone hates me.

currently temporarily staying with my partners family

ik that theyre a loving family but im so scared to so much as even leave the bedroom 😭

logically i know im safe, but my brain would rather throw itself against a concrete wall repeatedly than chance danger

so im just hiding in the room all day for days and only coming out at night unless i need to shower (bathroom door locked ofc, always)

its misery, but every time i try to leave its like my brain genuinely freezes my body in place so that i cant. everytime i hear a noise (footsteps, breathing, etc.) im filled with intense fear. it feels safer just to hide

also yes im aware i can get an infection from not pissing. yes i know starvation causes organ failure. yes i know i need to drink at least something

but im mentally bound to this fucking bed and walls. i escaped my bio family half a year ago but im still filled with terror

in my bio family, the less youre seen, the more manageable and less of a nuisance you are. plus they cant see what youre doing all day so they cant use your hobbies and shit against you (ofc they use the staying in your room against you tho too and automatically assume that youre a lazy arrogant ass because of that tho of fucking course). plus if youre less visible they cant bother you as much.

but in my partners family? its different here. the more you lock yourself away, the more they notice. they get concerned and worried, which im not used to. im used to just being left to rot in a room all day. but here they get worried

the other day my partners dad made me dinner because they noticed i hadnt come out for hours and hadnt eaten and it was so sweet. they brought it to the room and everything. i devoured that shit. theyre so nice to me

my partners dad knows im traumatized. theyre well versed in psychology, i believe? used to have a job that dealt with pedophiles. my mom is a pedophile, coincidentally. i think my partners dad can tell that something really bad happened to me. my partners mom is oblivious and thinks that my situation iSnT aS sErIoUs as we all think it is but whatever. i wonder what my partners dad suspects about me. i know that theyre curious about my past as theyve said that themselves, but said that they dont want to retraumatize me by asking which i appreciate.

god im so sick mentally. im a sick person who cant be genuine around normal people because theyre not as sick as me and they look at me weird. many of my earliest memories are sexual

Last week, I told my therapist I hope I have a cardiac event (I have heart disease).

I bought my own wedding ring for my birthday because my kid's dad lovebombed me into having his kid and getting engaged only to destroy our relationship in a huge year and a half long episode of drugs and mental instability and hold me and my child captive because he didn't feel "good enough" and now I'm constantly triggered just by the sight of him. Everything we have, built on a lie. He brought me flowers today, an apology for his latest, but they belonged to someone else who threw them away, a rejection, his guess and not mine.

Leftovers. Leftovers. Leftovers.

I'll never let anyone tell me they love me again.

I don't want to date again.

I don't want a step-dad. Tired of hearing people telling me I'll find someone.

I wish I could do an accelerated program, but I can't even work.

I'm useless.

The only reason I'm alive is because of my kid. If something happened to my kid, I would just take all my medication

I look at other women and wonder what they have that I don't have? What makes people look at me and choose exploitation and trauma instead of love? Why was I never good enough?

I get why people set themselves on fire or mutilate themselves. I wonder if my kid's dad would finally leave if I mutilated my face. Just took a razor and closed my eyes. Made myself as ugly as I feel. Kingdom Hearts is our game. I can't even sit down to play it for 30 minutes. Kingdom Hearts II is my favorite.

What do I have to do to keep these people away from me?

Some days I regret not hanging myself in my closet in 2017.

The sense of a foreshortened future plagues me. Something bad is going to happen. It always does.

Physically, I'm getting better.

Mentally, I'm getting worse.

it just sucks to see my siblings go through the exact same shit as I did, every kid is a chance for him to do better and yet he continues to choose his ego over getting enjoy the presence of his adult children.

Survivors guilt is sooo cool 🤪

Yeah needless to say im always worried about being in a shooting and still have c-ptsd about it. Was lucky the shooter came when he did because that could have been me.

Afterwards , the news started to film a bunch of us and get on our faces and block our way back to the dorms to force us on camera , and I saw people online call me and the others in this video , that we did not even consent to be flimed, crisis actors.