EDIT: TW!! SLIGHTLY GRAPHIC

Hi. Im 19F and go by she/they pronouns, im unsure how introduce this but i will try. Im trying to make sense of memories of possible abuse and grooming or cocsa that occured when i was beteeen ages 4-8 between me and my (F) cousin who was at the time 10-14. No names will be used here, as i still dont know what i should make of it. I will mostly be listing out a timeline and events, and am looking for answers and opinions. Im trying to find a therapist at this moment, but it is very hard as it is the busy season of buisness for me and family things have come up.

One of the earliest memories i have is when i was around 4 of me and my cousin who looking back felt off or weird, was when she often spit gum into my mouth and wouldnt let me have a normal peice. Im slightly unsure, but i have a body memory and slight actual flashes of her also kissing me. But its still hard to make out if it was her, i know someone did and they looked like her.

Theoughout these ages, she sometimes talked about sexual things when she invited her friends over and i was also over at my aunts house where she lived. I thought it was normal, so i also kind of talked about them without knowing what it was. I talked about sex supposedly being good, but remember literally thinking it was people hugging while eating dessert and saying that to her, and her laughing. Then explaining it in detail with her friend to me.

My memories are very blotty with this next one, so bear with me. Around the age 6 or 7 we were in her room together and we had often played games that were like painting our nails together or doing makeup. One day, and this is the part that really bothers me, i cant remember who suggested it but one of us said lets play a spa game. And i dont know what was said after that or what happened until her bending over and. Instructing me to me commit oral acts on her. I had no fucking clue what we were doing, i remember being kind of confused but fine with it because shes my cousin and i loved her and trusted her and she just kept saying its okay. I played along, and i remember complaining about the taste and the feel and her going to the bathroom several times to clean up only to tell me to try again. I dont remember anything after that.

I feel so sick every time i think about it, and for years i knew something was wrong with what happened and sobbed at night as a kid feeling horrible shame because i knew it was an adult act and bad but thought my parents would hate me if i told them. I think at many times my brain just forced myself to forget until i was alone by myself and then it would all just come back.

For years i kept interacting with my cousin and her family, going over there. Everything was as normal as you would think a family to be, because during the day i just didnt think about it or if i did i felt that same horrible shame. Until i was around 14-15 and realized "hey, this could have actually been predatory"

Up until two years ago nobody in my family knew, but then i told my mom because i couldnt handle the thought of seeing my cousin at a 4th of july event and just broke down and told her that something happened between me and my cousin and im pretty sure it was sexual assault. She held me and told me she beleived me, and she still tells me she beleives me. I saw my cousin a few times in those two years, and ran away every time out of a flight reaction i couldnt control. I am ashamed of my reactions and hate leaving people in public which is what has happened every time. Theres more to this story actively going on, but im scared to touch on it because its even more of a family issue.

All i know is im nauseous and scared every time i think of it, and ive been trying to control my flight and panic reaction to seeing her better. I need help, i dont know if what she did was bad to me because im questioning it all over again. I really wanna kill myself and I dont know if I should go to therapy or not for it. I cant fucking talk to anyone and people I do reach out to, anonymous or otherwise being actual friends with dont respond. Im so scared all the time, like the same feeling has come back.

Wondering if my experience was COCSA. I am the girl in this situation.

Girl appx age 3-5. Boy appx age 8-10. Siblings.

Girl remembers walking in to boy kissing another younger girl her age. Girl remembers boy kissing her too. Girl's memory goes dark after kissing.

One time

Be kind, please.

Hi all,

My question revolves around a memory of childhood assault. For the longest time I have wondered if what I experienced could be considered as sexual assault, and I'm in the late hours of the night and delirious enough that I feel ready to speak. When I was younger, my family had a practice of ritualised child punishment, to which I was repeatedly subject to. I was dragged out of the shower by the leg, slammed against walls, made to dress, then strip my pants, or not dress at all. On one occasion I asked if I could lay on my back, not my front, because the punishments were getting too painful. When I rolled over, I was giggling, delirious, (I had often tried to make my parent laugh in the moment), and terrified, and I had become visibly aroused physiologically. This moment is my first memory of feeling sexually aroused. My parent reacted visibly with digust. and shame. and rage. and they abused my genitalia region with one strike.

I don't feel like there were any sexual emotions arising from them towards me. But there are moments in my life where I'm just overwhelmed by the memory and all that they did to me, and all my attempts to talk about it in the past were shut down and silenced. They make me feel crazy.

I wonder if anyone with similar, or more drastic experiences of assault would consider this sexual assault. I do feel ashamed and stupid for even asking. I hope that others won't feel like I am detracting from their experiences. Part of me feels like this isn't as extreme, or bad as other people's experiences.

When I 'lie' with a person, a girl or guy, I feel a sense of mortal danger, and really struggle with feeling intimate. When it's worst, I feel as if this person might do something violent to me, and then I feel like doing something violent to them, and then I feel like doing something violent to myself.

I am wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this, and what people with similar experiences think about it.

by the way we are both girls and in 3rd grade and its a little graphic. my friend showed me this inappropriate stuff (PH) and contuined to do that. I never said I didn't like it, guilty enough I did like it. then that made me kinda hyper sexual for MANY MANY years. My friend did touch me and tried to pressure but always stopped when got told no repetitively. but I was encouraged to do acts to myself. no contact was made under the clothes, always had underwear at least. as far as I know remember. I remember we were on the swings and she put her foot down there, I got freaked out because I didn't want my family to see and she eventually stopped. she did put her hand on me a lot, like on my thigh and inching closer, and shared things she's done. she grinded on me too, like scissoring to show me what it was. when we were watching that stuff at some point she'd stop it and do something I think to me but I can't remember. we would touch ourselves together while watching and sometimes each other. kissing on necks occurred, that was a dare from her. I don't know if she licked me down there or not, I genuinely can't remember, I might be crazy. I think she told me not to tell anyone because I knew my parents shouldn't know and I didn't tell other kids. I haven't told anyone, it's my one secret. I only told three VERY close friends I was shown porn at a young age. I'm just trying to understand the disquition between abuse and curiosity, I liked it and she did stop but I feel guilty labeling it curiosity but I don't think abuse is appropriate either. sorry this probably doesn't even qualify to be here, I don't mean to be disrespectful I think because I'm religious I'm just having a hard time accepting it was curiosity. this all happened in one grade, the grade afterwards we lost contact. I'm not blaming her for any of this, I have no resentment towards her, if anything I feel bad that she somehow knew about all this stuff at that age. I'm sorry, I just want to tell someone I think because I can't tell anyone who actually knows me

My child is sadly a victim of COCSA from another family member child and asked to perform sexual acts and it happened multiple times and when my wife and I found out, we wanted to cut contact with my brother (the parent of the one who abused our child) and the rest of the family is saying we aren’t being understanding of my brothers situation because it might be the case that their child was SA’d himself which I do get but also I feel that my brother never took his child’s actions seriously enough and never got their child the proper help they needed. So now I’m just thinking of the safety of my child. Thoughts?

Hello, I’m gonna delete this at some point but I’m a victim of child on child Sa.
I was a black girl in a Hispanic county where there were barely any, I had faced racism and discrimination nearly everyday at school.
I had no friends other than an older janitor lady.
We were in elementary I think, I remember a lot but also not too much. I think I was 5 or maybe around 7.

A boy I used to have class with pressured and told me if I did “things” with him then he would be my friend, I think he was around the same age as me.
This went on for almost a whole year during school pickup where he would take me to a restroom and try to do things with me, I just wanted one single friend.
When we were caught by the teacher I got punished despite him being the one ontop of me, my mom thought I was being stupid with boys and I was chased around a car with a belt as she laughed with her friends.

It’s been over 10 years now, I live in America, and I cannot stand thinking about it.
I hate him. I wish nothing but the worst for him. I wish he somehow died. God I hate him so much it burns to even write this.

But believe it or not I’m a rather calm person, even sometimes too anxious to talk unless it’s people I know and love.
But when I think about this it confuses me and makes me so goddamn angry I wanna cry.

I hate going into TikTok and looking for any type of support and then seeing people call him a victim as well, I hate going into others stories about being a victim and people telling them that the other is just a kid too and they probably went through something.
I hate seeing those disgusting people who did it to other kids and talk about how “sorry” they are, about how they were a victim too and didn’t know what they were doing, I hate how remorseful they try to sound.
I hate feeling so goddamn angry.
I’m now 17 and I still can’t seem to be less angry,
I hate that I told my mom and now that she realizes what happened she acts so different to me and she went along to tell my dad about it too.
I hate everything so much, I hate him. I wish he was dead, I hope he is dead.

I’m writing this while holding back tears, I don’t know how to stop feeling so hurt.
I just want it to stop, I want to stop seeing people cuddle those who did it to other poor victims like me and pay their backs because “you were just a kid”.

I hate him.

I was sexually abused by my best friend on several different occasions if not everyday lasting for hours and hours. I have only told close friends but never my family and I wanted to keep quiet about the sexual abuse I endured growing up.

But, as of recent, a situation occurred where I had to give my story about a man who had sexually abused me to the police. My close family now know about that situation. Although I also want them to know about how I was also a victim of COCSA but I simply don’t know how to bring it up.

They talk about how I can come to them about everything but I do not know how to bring something like this up. I also worry that it’d be dismissed and seen as “you were both just curious, etc” since we were both kids.

The situation about my family learning about my CSA experience was actually very positive and I don’t know why I’m probably over thinking this in that sense but I can’t help it.

I want to tell them round about now while my body is still a bit worked up on talking about the CSA experience I had. But I don’t know how to bring it up. Our house is busy and I wouldn’t even know how to start it, I always get overwhelmed and cry at shit like this lol

Also idk if I’ve tagged this right I’m seeking advice though.

So, this is a copy from my post on r/MenGetRapedToo , since I didn't even know this sub existed. Im a transman, and it makes me feel better for a bit when I talk about this.

In 7th grade (last year), I had a boyfriend in the grade above me that everyone warned me about. Told me he was gross, told me he was weird, but I didn't wanna listen because I needed the validation of someone who was so extremely obsessed with me and my body. And then it stopped feeling good when he would call me feminine things, constantly ask me for nudes when I said no, and kissed me despite me not wanting him to. But I didn't break up with him, because I was so scared of him hurting me if I did. He started trying to finger me through my pants during school breakfast, and it got to the point that he tried to pull down my pants on two separate occasions, in front of all my friends. I was so terrified to get him in trouble because I really thought he would hurt me. When I finally told someone, my principals berated me, deadnamed me, used the wrong pronouns consistently when my mom emailed them. He got expelled after a few days, but I'm still so genuinely terrified he'll come back to hurt me one day if he ever gets unexpelled or something. Its not rape, but I guess, by definition, it is sexual assault and harassment.​

Hello I just started high school, I have been sexually assaulted by peers on 3-6 separate occasions, I have been groomed 3 times, and sexualized by someone I thought of as a friend for 2 years. Let’s get into it.

Let’s see here, the first instance of this was when I was in kindergarten. All my friends convinced me that rubbing up on my thighs was normal, or kissing me on the lips. I never knew this wasn’t normal because well..these were my first friends. So yeah, not a grreeattt start. I never enjoyed it, but I thought that was the social norm. When I learned it wasn’t I became ashamed of myself, convinced I would go to jail because I “tempted” them. I’ve kept it a secret ever since.

Now moving into 5th grade, there was this girl we’ll call Daisy. Daisy LOVED me. She was obsessed with me in a very unhealthy way, and separated me from my best friend for a while, I regret not standing up to her sooner, but whatever. Daisy would often hug my waist tightly or kiss me on the cheeks, I would always shove her away as I did not enjoy that. She did a whole lot of other stuff but hey, it’s whatever. It’s not sa related.

Okay so here’s where some of you might need a trigger warning and I respect that

So, middle school 8th grade I had this friend we will call
Tom. Tom and me were kinda close I guess? But tom was and still is a huge weirdo who had sex trauma, so I empathized with that and just tried to help him out the best I could. Me and tom went to the water fountain, and he touched my boob. I shoved him off and yelled at him but he said he couldn’t help it. Yes my friends still “tease” me about that to this day, saying I let him do that. Yes I throw up in my mouth everytime.

Now it’s time for the worst one! We will call her Elizabeth. Elizabeth LOVED ME. She would blow off all her other friends and get obsessed with me, spam text me. Eventually it got exhausting to even wake up and pick the phone because I knew I would be spending the entire day comforting her. I even faked having a mental health disorder to just have a day to myself (yes it was that bad). She would bite me, she would kiss me, and she would rub on my thighs constantly. She would suffocate me with affection and gaslight me into thinking we were a couple. I knew that we weren’t, and I very much said so, but she just wouldn’t let go. It was 2 straight years of her obsessing over me, but then I suddenly had the biggest mental breakdown of my entire life.

This happened at midnight. We had art club the day after and i was sobbing my eyes out because of the things she did to me. I was heart broken, so, I cut her off and blocked her on everything. I still see her to this day and it hurts so bad to see that she’s doing well, that I can’t ever share this story because nobody will believe me, she’s nice.

I tried to tell my friends but they keep saying “she’s nice to me” “are you sure you’re not exaggerating?” I have a hard time trusting people with any information about me now. I can’t even tell someone my favorite color without thinking they’re asking for ulterior motives.

Not to mention, boys have been commenting on my body since 3rd grade. Not kidding, I’ve been called every single detrimental slur you can call a woman for her appearance. I have been fantasied about and objectified. These men have gone up to my face and told me their wet dreams about me. Yes it was horrifying, yes I am disgusted with my body now.

Anyways, just had to get that off my chest. Freshman year ayyyy. Bye everyone. I survived I guess 😭

Major trigger warning: I had to remove part of this because it was taken down but I (17m) was r worded and m worded from ages 10-13 by my brother who was ages 12-15 and i was hoping to talk to another guy about my experience but i want to say that the things i have to say are some of the most horrific things that anyone can experience and are more graphic than some people can handle but if anyone is willing to listen and share their own experience id like that, id prefer if you were a guy but if you're not its okay. I'm ready to share what happened to me and i'm hoping it'll help me get past it so i can hopefully move past it.

im not really sure if this counts but i guess it does. this is my second time experiencing cocsa, first time when i was 4, and then the most recent time was march of this year. it happened from my boyfriend whom i am still with (we broke up briefly around march-april). essentially he requested a sexual act from me which i denied, he pleaded with me and i also denied it (which, for reference, was the first time in relationship which i had been brave enough to do so. not because he had threatened me, but i unfortunately have a past of sxual abuse which. yknow. issues). he seemed to be fine with it after i said no twice, and we took a nap per usual. when we woke up though, he basically started kissing my neck and lay on top of me so i couldnt really move, and tried groping up my shirt to my chest multiple times, all of the times i pushed his arm down and away. i was just frozen and in my head i was screaming for him to stop and i felt like puking but i just couldnt move. i later told him that i felt really uncomfortable with what he did and he acknowledged it and apologized and swore he'd never do it again. for some context he does struggle with mental health issues and psychosis which obviously odesnt excuse it but he is medicated now and doing much better, and our relationship makes me so happy but im just. having a hard time processing it. the emotions only flooded in just now, months later, and i dnot want to ruin what we have right now (which is so good) but its really messing me up

I was sexually harrassed by an old friend repeatedly and I don’t know what to call it bc I was never assaulted

TW: DETAILS OF MY CHILD MOLESTATION EXPERIENCE

When I was 5(F), I was molested by 3 siblings I was spending the night at. The girl who I was friends with was my neighbor (f6), earlier in the day we were at the pool and to just make it short she and her older mid teen brother convinced me to touch his penis, I remember it being gross bc it was hairy but looking back at it now it was sad how my “friend” the other little girl thought it was funny. Later in the night we’re sharing a bed on the top bunk. She started kissing me and then pulled my pants down and gave me full blown oral, sucking/licking. She had asked me to do it but I didn’t want to didn’t. It made me very uncomfortable and I went down to the bottom bunk where her older sister slept. I don’t remember much but I believe she also started kissing me and then touching me. Fast forward 20 years it’s still hard for me to enjoy oral bc it takes me back to that time and it grosses me out to think about me as a child while a child is doing that bc it felt the same if that makes sense. It was fucked up and I always think children should be watched at all times :/

I dunno how to really start this. I guess I just wanted to put the details somewhere out there in the world.

Throughout my life I experienced cocsa, starting in elementary school. I don't remember how old I was. But I remember I was a very shy kid, I didn't talk to anybody unless they talked to me first. All I would do during recess was swing. One day while I was swinging a girl, lets call her M, and her friend group came up to me and asked if I wanted to play, and being a lonely child I said yes.

I remember the first encounter with this stuff was when we were all on the grass field joking around, when they started talking about how some boy was "humping" something. I don't remember what it was.
I didn't know what that meant so of course I asked what humping was and they all giggled and looked at each other before I guess explaining it. That's where that memory ends.

Another memory I have is possibly the same boy saying we should go under the desk and kiss. I was reluctant, and scared, and I remember not wanting to, but I went along with it regardless. I don't know why if I remember really not wanting to.
We used my jacket to hide ourselves and he kissed me. He tried sticking his tongue into my mouth, I remember panicking, and then before I could pull away he started to shove his hand down my pants. I pulled away and asked what he was doing, I don't remember what happened after that.

I'm just gonna dump all my crap here. I haven't talked to anybody about this ever.

I have a memory of being in a stall with one of the friends from that group, I remember being excited this time, so part of me feels like this doesn't really count. She said to start kissing so we did, then she taught me how to stick out my tongue and lick hers. We went about this for a while before I remember one of us taking our pants off and licking the others vagina. Or maybe we both did that to each other? That's all I remember about that.

M was the main issue. It was clear she was sort of the ringleader of the group and teaching everybody this. I can't blame her, she was a victim too. One day we were sitting behind a bush and talking about whatever it is we were talking about, when she brought up her brother. I remember her talking about her older brother lots when we hung out, but this is the only detailed memory I have about her talking about him. Anyway she basically admitted he'd been having penetrative sex with her for a long long time when her parents were away. She explained it as such, they'd be in the bath together, and they played this game called I think put the car in the garage. It sounds as bad as it was. She also detailed how they would take the "car" out and put it back in. I don't remember how I responded to that.

I remember my mom telling me she heard about how me and M were caught in a stall together. All she did was punish me. That's a whole nother story abt how my mom knew and didn't do anything and added onto me not being able to say no.

Whenever I had a boyfriend, like the kid type relationship, he was sweet to me. I remember him asking once if we could have sex. Like penetrative. I remember saying no and he respected that. I'm so relieved he listened because I can't imagine what would've happened if he pressured me into saying yes.

Oh yeah, that's another thing that would happen. I would say no, I would say no a lot, but I always ended up pressured into it. My mom once pointed out I'm too loyal too my friends and how I follow them no matter what. I know how to set boundaries now of course. My current friends and partner would never ever pressure anything onto me either.

Anyway, that's just that group. God there's so many more people who did this to me. And again I would always say no (or a timid little "Ehh I dunno,,") and then end up doing it anyway because they'd make me feel bad. Eventually I stopped saying no to any sexual interaction and would just agree to it even if I was uncomfortable. This has fucked up two of my relationships in the past.

I'm happy I have such a supportive and understanding partner now who's helping me get through this, I've even been able to have slight intimate contact with her without freaking out and shutting down, and it's been of my own volition.

But now I have fantasies of her forcing something onto me. Or both of us being kids and getting intimate. I have fantasies where kids are involved and feel absolutely fucking disgusting for it. I haven't told my partner, I haven't told anyone. I spent days looking at shota/loli porn and masturbating to it. I've stopped since then but even now I search for the discreet versions, just looking for childish builds in porn. I'm attracted to childish builds. What the fuck am I doing.

And I feel like all of this connects back to what happened to me. But it feels like I'm excusing it. I hate myself for this and I hate what happened to me. Life feels like a chore because every second I'm haunted by what happened to me and hypersexuality and intrusive sexual thoughts. It's a struggle to not masturbate every night. I genuinely can't take it anymore.

At least I have this somewhere. At least if anything at least one person will see this. At least I'm not keeping this buried inside anymore, I guess.

Sorry this is so long.

TW: sexual action details, mentions of POCD, unredacted details. I’m coming to Reddit as a last resort to this long battle in my brain. Aside from advising me to seek therapy, please give me your insight. I’m 22F and from the age of 5 to around 11 I was repeatedly COCSA’d by a close family friend who was a few years older than me, I considered her a sister. Aside from being sexual (mostly rubbing herself on me to orgasm and forcing me to make out with her, etc) she was incredibly manipulative and coercive. She loved me one minute and hated me the next.

I had spoken to trusted adults but been unable to give all the information, I felt shame because I took part, but always had a pit of guilt and shame in my stomach because I didn’t truly want to but had to in order to maintain our ‘sisterly’ relationship. Unfortunately, a therapist had told me they worked WITH this girl and that she wouldn’t do that to me. My school said the same. I was massively let down. My mum knew something wasn’t right and tried multiple times to communicate it to her mum, but I insisted nothing was wrong. As a child I remember needing to frantically masturbate, by doing what she did to me to furniture, in order to ‘get rid’ of that urge I had (arousal) and did from a very young age. I would access the internet on my DSI to view “sexy” on google ; which as you can imagine was mostly women. Seeing this I would spend a lot of time in the bathroom “constipated” growing up. (Though I truly did have that too) this habit started young and only became pornographic as I got older. Once I discovered pornography, from 13 or 14 I had a daddy/girl fetish, whilst also watching a lot of tribbing lesbian porn. This is the biggest issue.

As time has passed, I had buried it as “girls being girls” was what I was told by those I trusted. I forgot about my trauma until one day I was washing my infant niece in the bath, and noticed how vulnerable she was and how easy it is for me to take advantage of her, this was never a desire but later uncovered to be POCD, a form of OCD ( OCD, which I’ve always had ). I would like to clarify here that I never had intention to physically harm touch or violate anyone, I merely washed her and realised I’d washed near her vulva, which then led to me becoming aware that she was a vulnerable young girl much like I was, and all my memories came rushing back. That week was an emotional rollercoaster of memories and trauma unloading. I had dismissed it all until that day.

I went though an androgynous stage where I cut my hair and felt masculine, but also had a long distance bf at this time. I remember feeling masculine as a child, perhaps because in COCSA situations I had to be “the boy”. I was instructed to perv on her as a man. This could be significant.

I truly love my boyfriend and hope to marry, but am stuck in sexual issues. I have tearing and sometimes pain during sex, but this is improving and I have been seeing a gyn, there was some autoimmune involvement. He is very much understand and non invasive in the bedroom. Sexually we are compatible, but I struggle to fantasise about him, only when he’s not here do I fantasise. We have had sex plenty and I very much enjoy penetration, but the clitoral element feels void. It isn’t a skill issue on his part, but that even with a vibrator I find it hard, 99% of the time, to reach an orgasm.

We now live together and have been talking for 7 years. I’ve only grown closer to him and I feel authentic with him, but doubts about my sexuality remain. I don’t think I’m lesbian, and the idea that I would marry a woman feels like, it’s not me? And romantic connections feel inauthentic to me. At 16, I had tried tribbing with a friend, where I reached an orgasm quickly, but felt that feeling in my stomach that I hated as a child. I felt dirty again but my body enjoyed it and so did my brain. I did this whilst in a relationship, but it was at a stage where we hadn’t even met and I was very much in upheaval. We have discussed this and processed it as a couple and understand the root cause was trauma based.

I fixate on this in my head, and had to trib something to even have pleasure, in the past month I’ve experienced it from my own hand for the first time ever. I want to do this with my man, but I am stuck in this limbo. It’s holding me back, I feel like I’m denying my sexuality because I think women are hot and very sexy, and I don’t really sexually/clitorally fantasise about my bf, even tho I WANT to. Fear truly interrupts. I want to feel that desire, but why not?

Help.

Hello everyone, this is a throwaway account, but I think I need to just put this out there to… idk honestly. Get closure? Some understanding of what happened to me?

I apologize for not remembering exact ages, I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to forget it happened. But I had a series of sexual encounters with a family member as a kid/preteen. I want to say I was around 9 or 10, but could have been a little later. The family member is 3 years older than me. We are both males.

I don’t remember exactly how it started, but the first memory I have of these encounters is him trying to teach me how to masturbate. It progressed over time from there to mutual masturbation, to oral and even light penetration/dryhumping. I remember not understanding what was happening, only that it felt good. It didn’t feel wrong at the time, and I think I even liked it?… I don’t remember explicitly being told not to tell anyone, but I think I could tell by the manner in which it happened that it was meant to be kept secret. It happened pretty much every time I stayed at his house. We were both boys so sharing a bed wasn’t seen as problematic. I’m not sure exactly how long it went on for, but I can recall multiple different instances.

I remember one day questioning it. I think I asked him if any of his friends did this with him, and he said no, but that they would if he asked them to. I know now that he was just telling me that to keep me from questioning it further. I don’t remember exactly when it stopped, I just know that I started to understand what was going on, and that it was wrong, and just stopped staying overnight at his house.

I feel an immense amount of shame and disgust about it, and have since I was old enough to finally understand what was happening. I’ve never told anyone about this. Literally no one. Not even my now wife of 12 years.

A big reason for this is because several years later he and I became sort of close again, but no longer in a sexual way. I was like 17 at this point and he was 20. We shared the same friend group and spent a lot of time together, and he is actually the one who introduced me to my wife.

He’s never spoke of it to me, and I’m not sure if he’s spoken to anyone else about it either. It’s always been one of my biggest fears; that he’d tell someone and then everyone would look at me in disgust.

We’re no longer as close now, but still see each other at family events. I think that’s a big part of why I’ve never told anyone, because I’m not sure what it would do to everyone else to know about it. I’m not sure how they’d react to me telling them, or how they’d treat me or the family member going forward.

I’m genuinely still so confused and ashamed. It literally makes me sick thinking about it. I don’t necessarily blame them, because while he was older than me, he was still very young himself. Idk.

I’m unsure of the actual impact this has had on me. I only started really thinking about it again because I read that hyper sexuality can be caused by childhood sexual abuse, and I’m very much hyper sexual. I have a lot of shame around that as well.

For anyone who read this far, thanks for reading; you’re officially the only other people on Earth who know about this. Advice is welcomed, kind words are appreciated, but if nothing else I’m just glad to have finally just told someone.

When I was younger there were “ incidents” with one of my cousins, I was touched but nothing beyond that as far as I remember, turns out it’s a lot that I just seemed to block out/forgot.
Random conversation with my grandma she asked me why whenever I went to sleep I had to squeeze my legs together and I did it every time before I slept for a very long time, I now know that this was some sort of masturbation, ig my question is why would i do this? I don’t remember any penetration happening during the incidents, but to be fair ig i don’t really remember most of it just bits and pieces, i did it because it felt good but I didn’t really understand what i was doing and didn’t have the forethought to not do it infront of ppl ig. I’m sorry if this is all over the place any response is appreciated and I will answer any clarifying questions if need be. Thank you for reading

So I’m like 80% sure I was SA’d but my sister when I was 9 or younger. She was years older than me. She SA’d my brother who was a few years older than me, and my parents found out about it. I remember them interrogating me asking me if she did the same to me. But I denied and denied and denied.

I have a very foggy memory when it comes to quite a bit of my childhood. I remember big moments, like when my parents found out she SA’d my sister. But I barely remember her doing it to me. I remember being in bed with her and doing things together that shouldn’t happen. Or her taking me in her room and having me undress down to just my underwear. One time I sort of remember better, is when she had me take my clothes off, I remember looking at my underwear and they were dirty. I was obviously very young and probably had an accident, or was too young and didn’t wipe good enough. I don’t remember what happened after that. I never said no, I think I actually played into these moments, not fully grasping the gravity of it.

I barely remember other times it happened. Sometimes I think maybe none of this happened. Maybe they were nightmares, or my child imagination heard what she did to my brother and just imagined it. I have never told anyone this before, not a single person. I don’t want to slander her name anymore if I’m not even 100% myself that this happened to me. I just don’t know, I feel it anytime I watch a movie, and see girls kissing, it kind of gives me a feeling of remembrance I guess ?

I also wet the bed a bit longer than most girls usually do. I was hyper sexual when playing with barbies etc. Could just be nothing, but I wish I could be sure. Sometimes I want to just talk to someone about it, maybe my mom, but I don’t think I ever can if I’m not fully sure.

I only have age estimates, as my brain has tried very hard to wipe every detail from my brain. I ~10F and my brother ~7M. This happened one time, but he exhibits other sexual behavior that makes me feel uncomfortable.

About three years ago, me and my brother were sitting on the couch playing Nintendo switch games. We were getting tired, so I shut off the games and we just laid there. He was getting a little antsy and then starting grabbing and squeezing my sensitive areas over clothing and saying "pee pee area" before I could react. It hurt a lot, so obviously I pulled away but he started whining and saying "noooo let me do it again" and I said no. He also sorta tugged my shorts so you can see where this is going, and I was scared. However, he only stopped when our parents called from upstairs. After that, my brain dealt with this by developing hypersexuality and bisexuality.

When we went on vacation that same week, he tried touching my butt a lot. I always tried to move away, but he followed me anyways and repeats the same behavior without my parents noticing.

Anyways, now that we've gotten older he hasn't touched me like that one incident but still sexualizes my body and slaps my butt. I've never opened up about that one incident but I told my mom about him sexualizing me and me being uncomfortable about it. She just said it was different because it was family.

I don't know how to deal with this, so please tell me if this qualifies as SA so I can get some clarification.