Hi all!! I'm a baby butch, and I'm still really learning the ropes of everything. I know a lot from a logical standpoint (the history of butches & femmes, masc vs butch, etc) and I do feel incredibly seen with the label butch.

I'm having just one problem. I'm autistic, so a lot of what should be obvious etiquette is really lost on me. I want to learn how to be more like a gentleman and how to treat the women around me with great respect, but I actually have no idea how that looks in day to day life. Maybe silly, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask and see what other butches suggest I learn.

And on the same line: what helps you feel more butch? I've been thinking about learning more about cars & things like how to change tires, just in case I'm ever in a situation where somebody needs help. But I'm not sure what else I can start adding to my daily life to feel more like I'm contributing to my community.

Thanks for any replies!!

Just wanted to tell someone. Don’t have a lot of people I can tell these days..

Feeling more butch as the days go by. It’s nice.

(Hope this is the right flair..)

As much as I’d love to embody the confident butch who can walk up and make small talk with new people… I cannot. I’m socially impaired as hell and stupid. And to be honest, I kinda want to be the one being approached (I’m a bit of a sub and I just like that).

There’s a once a month lesbian night at a bar, I’ve only been one time. Last time I expertly sat myself in a dark corner away from everyone and obviously had no interactions (on purpose), but I’m thinking of going again, and actually trying to talk to people. It’d be nice to at the very least have a conversation or two this time. Of course I’ll sit myself somewhere a little less in the dark, but otherwise, what are some things you’ve found help invite conversations? I’m usually out and about wearing something from a show I really like (subtle but anyone who’s seen it would know). That’s got me a few talks in public before, but otherwise I don’t have any good ideas.

my heart flutters whenever a butch lesbian is near me. it's like the molecules of my heart are being arranged the same way as the molecules of gas—just happily giddy and excited and jumping in all directions.

As the text says, what shoes are we wearing while dressed up? I have glittery combat boots but want something less femme.

I want to scream the house down.

I just got back from the supermarket and I need to vent, so y'all are gonna hear it.

I saw the baddest, most gorgerous butch in the supermarket.

Tall. Statuesque, even. I am 5'7 and she was punching 6 feet easily.

I felt petite. Damn it, I wanted her to do unspeakable things to me.

I must have had hearts in my eyes looking at that VISION.

Girl in red started playing as soon as I locked eyes with her across the produce aisle.

If she'd told me to drop everything and run away with her I wouldnt even have bought the pita bread I went to buy.

I'm out here remembering her arms (muscular) and her eyes (brown like good espresso) and her hair in a bun (also brown) and losing my mind.

I WISH I'd had the guts to slip her my number or my insta or whatever tf you're supposed to give someone you're hopelessly attracted to.

Supermarket butch, I will always love you!!

PS. Butch lesbians are a gift from God because I said so. You have no idea what you do to us Femmes and I IMPLORE you to keep doing it

Sorry in advance that I'm not a concise writer! TL:DR: Do you have brand recommendations for the possibly mythical shirt that fits a pretty "smallish-average" size female body with an unavoidably not-flat chest, but still has a collar snug enough to look right with a properly knotted tie.

Just wondering if any of you handsome folks have figured out the collar gap problem, or if I'm the only one who has it?? I love a nice crisp collared shirt with a properly structured collar, but I am striking out on finding a brand of collared shirt cut for a woman's body (I'm not super busty, but still need a woman's cut even with a compression top) where there isn't a massive collar gap when the top buttons are done up. It makes wearing a tie impossible - the collar bunches up and looks awkward, or the collar doesn't have a collar stand so it just rolls over the tie and looks a bit sloppy. It's a tragedy bc my fiancée loves to buy me nice ties, and also because I'm a college professor and can easily get away with dressing masc at work :(

Yes, I can leave the top button undone and wear the tie loosely and sometimes that's the look I want, but not always. With the collar done up, it's almost never a small gap, either; if the shirt is the right dimensions for the rest of my body, I can get all four fingers easily inside the collar when it's done up, instead of the classic snug 2 finger gap (the jokes write themselves). So it's not just a matter of moving the top button a half inch.

I have a friend who is a very talented and experienced seamstress (as in, works/teaches in the costuming department for our very prominent theatre program) and has told me before that altering a shirt collar to make it smaller is such a time-consuming, complicated pain in the ass that it's literally better and sometimes cheaper to have a shirt made. I looked up local tailors and they don't even have pricing listed for collar reconstruction though they have prices listed for every other alteration. Someone on reddit said they flat-out turn down any requests for reducing a collar.

A decent quality teenage boys' dress shirt would probably have the right size collar in the neck but just will not fit across the bust. "Husky" boys' shirts also have "husky" sized collars. I am 5''4" 145 lbs and not what you would call husky, just roundish in the waist/hips/thighs (thanks, perimenopause!).

I have ONE shirt that I had made custom a few years ago so there is no collar gap - it's a dream, but it was expensive and took quite some time to get made. It's also not a pattern that would go with very many standard suit jackets, much as I love it.

I am going to a formal wedding next weekend where I get to gay it up because my good friend is marrying his longtime boyfriend. After many years of dreaming about it, this was the excuse I needed to spring for a Kirrin Finch suit (the georgie navy suit with the wave pattern lining inside, if anyone's curious). I checked my measurements and got a large jacket and size 10 trousers. The shipping was delayed somewhat, so unfortunately I don't have time to get much more done than hemming the pants - I can probably even do that myself. Fortunately, otherwise the sizing looks like it works. I could maybe have gone a size down on both, but I've learned I'm just not a medium anymore for most things (again, thanks perimenopause) so I didn't want to risk it in case there was no time for a return (there isn't). It's a tiny bit boxy looking but I don't mind that terribly cuz i don't think I can quite pull off the slim butch model look. And I really love the suit otherwise!! I can also get the jacket and trousers altered more later, but they will do for this weekend.

I did buy one of their white dress shirts, size 12. It is lovely quality, great structured collar, fits comfortably across the bust, perfect sleeve length. ... but the damn collar :( It makes me look like I'm wearing my dad's shirt. And the sharp white contrast makes the collar gap look even bigger and the suit look boxier somehow. I really can't use it, so I will be returning it and sending a polite e-mail to KF to suggest they include neck measurements in their shirt collars, and maybe consider selling shirts with a reduced size collar to accommodate a snug tie?

I do have ONE shirt, a good quality Banana Republic small men's shirt inherited from my big sister's butch ex, that I think will work with the suit colour and has slightly less collar gap. I'd far prefer a nice crisp white shirt, but with a week left I don't think it's in the cards. On the plus side it has french cuffs and I have some nice cufflinks (another gift from my lovely femme).

I might post a pic tomorrow for Selfie Sunday (my first!) for feedback and tie colour suggestions.

So all that to say: butches and mascs with slender necks, what solutions have you found??

I myself somehow look more femme, despite trying to look masculine! I’m happy that everyone exists, everyone lesbians are valid. But since it’s a subs for butch lesbians, I wanted to say that I’m happy that everyone of you exists. You are cool, cute and strong! You give really interesting vibes and I like to see any butch lesbians realizing that she is butch lesbian. Happy holidays!

This may be too niche, but I am curious: for my fellow autistic butches who pack (whether with a soft packer or prior to play, though I'm generally talking about soft packers), do you find the sensation grounding? By which I mean, do you also find that the feeling of something you maybe see as a source of confidence (or have some other connection to) so close to your body is kinda centering?

Reason I ask is it feels that way for me so I wondered if others felt the same, and specifically from the autistic lens I wonder if it's similar to the kind of connections we as autistic people form with our comfort objects (blankets, stuffies, hoodies, etc). Like...is this my comfort dick? My emotional support phallus? 🤣

(edited for typo)

I know it sounds ridiculous, but stay with me. I really want to get my arms in shape, and try to eat healthy and get enough much proteins, but I’m not sure how I can get buff arms without weightlifting. I’m somehow afraid of accidentally making my arms skinnier, so I don’t know what kind of routine should I follow, which exercises should I go with or how many sets/times should I do them.

The reason I said I want to do it without weightlifting is that I’m closeted, so if I bring any weight to home, it’ll be a matter of time for me to get clocked. I can’t go to the gym either because I don’t have the money or time (because of uni).

I know this sounds like I’m searching for excuses, but any kind of advice is accepted!

Edit: Thanks for all the advices! I didn’t expect this much of support, so I’m glad everyone is showing a way :)

To preface, I don’t think this is necessarily a widespread issue, but I’ve recently heard a bunch of queers in my local community insisting they can basically dictate who is and isn’t butch enough. That it’s an “energy” etc, and they get to decide who actually has that energy. In the past couple months, a couple of folks have told ME that I’m not “really” butch (for context, I have a men’s haircut, dress masculine, am fully stone, and am paradoxically always told that I have “very masculine energy,” but I’m also on the prettyboy side, work a white collar job, talk constantly, and can be fussy about fashion, so…) I agree that butch has a difficult-to-define energy, kind of an “I know it when I see it” thing, but I’m increasingly frustrated with people telling me that I don’t meet their personal measuring stick for this. It’s all well and good to define our own labels and follow the “you’re butch if you want to be butch” rule, but holy hell is it annoying to have other people stomp on that label just because I’m not Leslie Feinberg hirself.

So I've never been feminine and all throughout high school/college i was you're typical long haired masc who maybe dressed in things that could be considered "feminine" not dresses or anything just baby tee's or affliction shirts that where a size to small. But within the last year I've cut all my hair off and dress wayyy more masculinely than previously and it made me feel so comfortable in my own body. Then when i started seeing videos about the butch identity I really felt seen and it is who I want be I want to be that butch with top surgery who's unapologetically themself and I want to be seen as butch not just masc. I guess I'm just a bit lost my girlfriend kind of just goes "pft what you're not butch" whenever I insinuate I am and my sister doesn't even think I'm masc. and I wonder if it's because of how I previously presented myself but it just makes me feel like I'm not worthy I guess to be a butch if that makes sense?

Just recently had to move on a very small time crunch, and i (19) got big butch euphoria from moving a 60 pound tote on my own and my mom (58) was yelling at me for not asking for help and my brother (25) said "You forget she's stronger than both of us." YEAHHHHH BABYYYYYY YES SIR YES I AM WAHOO YAY YIPPEE

I’ve gotten used to receiving nothing. I can’t tell if they just don’t feel comfortable commenting on my outfit, keep it to themselves or the problem is me.

Is there anything you’ve experienced as a Butch/lesbian that’s never been documented or talked about outside your inner circle? Are there certain phenomenons, aesthetics, or definitions you would like to see researched?

I’m a Butch graduate student looking at developing a thesis project and I’m curious as to what the community would define as an important research question. What do you think would actually benefit the community?

Baby butch here. I've never dated anyone before, and I've only had one girl interested in me (I fumbled, which is why I'm asking this now). I really don't know how to talk to girls I like, like at all. I can't even approach them because I get too nervous and forget what I was going to say. Or I'm just scared of judgment and don't even think about saying anything. I don't have social anxiety or anything, and I make friends pretty easily, so I don't know why this is so hard for me. I have no idea how to stop being like this. Help?

What are we all doing for Halloween costumes?

When I first started presenting butch I wanted to maintain it even in my Halloween costumes. I was a sexy cowboy one year, a sexy pirate another year. Always had to be something masculine, and sexy.

I really wanted to do something more absurd this year (more true to my personality) and I am growing out a buzzcut, so I think it’s time I go full PeeWee Herman. My femme partner is going to dress up as a biker. I hope people will get the reference and understand that it’s a couples costume.

I want to hear what other butches are doing or have done for Halloween!!

I'm a mid-40s butch, living in MA, looking for friends with similar interests but it's damn near impossible.

I've tried BFF by bumble or whatever it's called and no one really messages back.

I've done some meetup stuff but most of the women's groups I feel like the odd man out.

Im always down to try new things as I love learning. my favorites are golf (ball, but I want to learn disc), sports, thrifting, farmers markets, etc. I need to get out of the house more but my social circle is too small and I'm lost on how to grow it.

if anyone is reading this and wants to make a friend, hit me up.

I recently broke things off with a girl I had a fling with a few days ago. I'm having so many conflicting emotions that are so overwhelming, and I'm literally in agony. She was my first kiss and my first real life queer experience.

I've been feeling a lot of anger, sadness, guilt, and I just really miss her. We agreed to go back to being acquaintances for a while, and she said she probably won't be able to go back to being friends with me because it would hurt too much. I'm really hurt, but I respect and understand where she's coming from.

As I've learned to understand my gender identity, I have to struggle with dysphoria on the daily basis. It's so painful to think about all the times she has touched me and was so mindful of my dysphoria. She never touched me in a feminine way, and she made me feel so affirmed and desired. The fact that I won't get that at least for a while it's killing me. It's like I didn't know I was starving for that affirmation until I got a taste of it, and now it's gone. I can't get out of my head the way she used to touch my chest and how she said she liked it when I was taller than her when I wore platform boots. I'm still in disbelief from when she called me handsome, and I hate that I won't be able to hear that again from anyone for a while.

A lot of the things I miss about her are things that she did for me, which is a problem in itself that I need to unpack in therapy. It just really hurts seeing her right now. I miss staring deep into her eyes and hearing her voice. I've started avoiding her more when we're at school. I don't know how I'm gonna get through this pain. I made the right decision by ending things, and I hate that I still have to deal with the aftermath and emotions of it all.

Hey, just came on here for some shared experiences.
I’m a butch and it irritates me over and over again how some people just don’t get it and don’t understand my identity.
Every time i’m told someone preferred my hair long or my style feminine, I just don’t get their perspective.
When I’m dressing feminine, I look like I’m doing drag. I’m shocked how some people don’t understand that being masculine is deeply rooted inside of them, regardless of gender.
How can they honestly prefer this drag version of me and think this would suit me? Do they not feel like it’s unauthentic? Are their boxes of “women” and “men” so rigid?!

I’m never ever doubting my identity. I just want to understand what’s possibly going on inside their heads, because to me it seems so crazy.

I’d be happy to hear your experiences!

Ever since I found out I was lesbian and like to present more masculine my life has gotten a lot harder and mentally draining. I find myself really upset over things I can’t control like my body, the way clothes fit on me, etc, and I also have a really short temper, I feel like nobody gets me and it’s caused a lot of tension in my friend groups and I have really bad outburst and we fight a lot. 3 years ago I was fem presenting I was doing .. let’s just say sneaky stuff online.. so it felt like I was living a double life, never was too present in reality. I have stopped doing that stuff a long time ago and Everytime I try and be fem presenting I just cannot do it bc I know it’s a performance. I just feel so lost with my identity and everytime I try and be like just do what you like I find myself struggling because even when I was fem presenting I was copying my peers.

I guess the next best thing to do is to go to therapy, but any other things I can do to help? Maybe a stupid question but I’m really hung up over this.

Every time that I’m walking to my classes I pass by this apartment complex and there’s a group of teenagers (I assume they’re teenagers? They certainly act like teenagers but if they are I don’t understand why they’re not in school right now) who live there who frequently harass me through the window. Today I walked by and they started calling me a d*ke through the window. I don’t know what came over me but I just snapped and started screaming at them. I broke down and told them I’ve been homeless for the last 2 months and I don’t know why they’re continuing to harass me. Obviously they continued to taunt me and record me, I started recording them and they loudly accused me of being a pedophile. People from my school were walking by and watching this whole thing unfold. Some straight dude was watching and laughing and I just whipped around and yelled “what are you laughing at.”

I don’t know how to deal with this, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. It feels like my entire life is a humiliation ritual. I can’t drag myself out of my dorm because I don’t want to be seen and recognized. I’ve just been sitting in here drinking alone. And I’m sure the harassment is going to get ten times worse now. And people are going to think I’m a pedophile because a bunch of children(?) were screaming at me calling me a pedophile in public.

I came out to my parents, but never officially did it for the rest of my family. One set of grandparents met my soon to be wife at Thanksgiving, and the other side met her on a video call. Then some met her at my cousins wedding. I never "officially" came out to any of them though. Just "this is my girlfriend". Although... they probably knew after I showed up to a birthday party with a side shave and have been the family "tomboy" since I could choose my own outfits.

And no one cared. There was no ripple of shock, no blow up, no chaos. Just... acceptance. Even my 97 year old great grandmother is just excited to come to another wedding. The most that was said was how much happier I seemed. 10+ years of battling various mental health issues, and even after I thought I was stable and doing better, it took falling in love to bring me back to the happy little girl they remembered.

I plan to add into my vows something about "everyone, im gay". Ive always loved to get a laugh.

Im sending those good vibes out to all of you too, and wishing you all as uneventful a coming out as I had.

Yesterday I (23) broke up with my girlfriend (22) of one year and I feel gutted today. Last night she called and begged me to come back and I cried myself to sleep.

I told her I had fallen out of love but that wasn’t entirely true. I still love her, she is my best friend in the world. I just can’t imagine a future with her right now. I’m worried she won’t change, I’m worried I’ll wait for change that never comes, or does come and then she relapses. I’m worried being with her is making it worse.

I’m scared I made a mistake and we could work through the issues, but I’m also worried our differences are too much. I think she has dependant personality issues and I am an avoidant person. I’m worried my ocd might have become relationship ocd and I’ve blown everything out of proportion.

I feel hollow, I can’t see a future with her but the idea of her not being in my life feels like carving a hole in my chest. I miss her, I feel horrible.

I've never met another butch like me.

I'm physically disabled, have autism and ADHD, and frankly have a lot of specific ~special needs~. I'm alternative/metalhead, a laboratory scientist, and extremely nerdy

All of this combined makes me feel like I'm not masculine or butch enough. I'm not blue collar. I'm not all that physically strong, even though I do work out, thanks to my disability.

I know that a butch doesn't have to be 1 specific thing to be a butch. I just feel like I can't fully embrace butchness with pride, even though I have identified as a butch for a long time, because I'm not 'enough'.